Obsessed with my husband's ex and don't know why!!! (long)

[MLH 77]

I'm sorry amaysngrace, are you a bitter baby's mother? I've just decided to ignore your comments as I feel you're completely off base and no it's NOT b/c you 'sided' (as you like to put it) with the ex. You're makig huge leaps in your assumptions. I think you're taking some of your personal issues out on me. Secondly, you can't begin to know the consideration I have given her.

 

I never said that any of my recent behavior was right. If i thought that I would've never posted here in the first place.

 

Brittjean06, OMG I was beginning to feel regret for even typing on this forum b/c of the responses I was getting but after reading your reply I don't regret it anymore. It's good to know not everyone around here has a holier-than-though/shame-on-you attitude when people like me display imperfect HUMAN emotions. Someone asked earlier if I had issues with obsession in the past. I left home for a few hours and when I was out I thought about that and realized I DO!!! Kinda hard to admit but after analyzing some other situations that have NOTHING to do with Ex-girlfriend/baby mother, I realize I do have issues with obsession. As soon as I log off here I'm gonna do as much research as I can on the topic.

 

 

blind_otter,

I would first like to apologize for you losses. I could NEVER in a million years imagine loosing any of my children and would never wish such a harrowing experience on ANY ONE...EVER!! Secondly, I think you are COMPLETELY on point when you referenced the 'peace-treaty' that's EXACTLY how I feel and not knowing WHY she changed suddenly is bugging me.

 

I do agree with Hotgurl that's its become to important in my life and I need to drop it.

[Mz. Pixie]

I still don't agree with the car thing. I presume not many of you have a spouse who has a child by someone else so I can see how you wouldn't see her asking to borrow his car as a big deal.

 

How would you like to happen see your spouses ex driving his car while you're seperated. I think everyone would be singing a different tune.

 

 

It's kind of wierd that you come here for help- we are trying to help you- but you're being defensive of your actions instead of listening to the different perspectives that make LS what it is. Which is great!

 

The thing that I see with this situation is that you're going back and forth.

 

First of all, she has come to your house and played with your child and you guys have hugged etc- but then the fact that she asked to borrow your H's car pisses you off? Your feelings are hurt because she's acting wierd towards you but you wouldn't allow her the courtesy of using his car when hers wasn't working or whatever?? You indicate you are hurt because you thought she would have respected boundaries with your H while you were separated but then you say "We are not friends and never were" So, basically which is it?? You must have thought you were friends or it wouldn't be bothering you this much. That being said, if you were really friends and you trusted both her and your H then the car wouldn't have been that big of a deal. I'm having trouble understanding exactly what the issue is.

 

To me, it smacks of you believing she asked to borrow the car to screw around with your H.

 

Second of all, yes, I am married to a man with a child. I also have children with my exhusband. I would never ask my exH to borrow his car but we don't get along like you do with his ex. I don't hug her when we see each other and I don't play with her kids nor would I ever. I am respectful of her when I see her in public but that's it.

 

The lines are blurred between you two as of what is appropriate and not. I wouldn't put myself in that position. I can see how it would be confusing as to what to do and what not to do.

 

I wouldn't worry so much about her and instead I'd just focus on being with your H and work that out.

[Mz. Pixie]

I'm sorry amaysngrace, are you a bitter baby's mother? You're makig huge leaps in your assumptions. I think you're taking some of your personal issues out on me. Secondly, you can't begin to know the consideration I have given her.

 

 

I don't see the ex's actions as what you've described here as bitter. Besides' she is married again- what makes you think she's bitter about him being married to you?? My exh is remarried and I'm not the least bit bitter- as a matter of fact, I think my "wife in law" needs a sympathy card for having to put up with him.

 

As far as giving her consideration- that's what has to be done. She is the child's mother. You have to do what's best for the child, not the adults involved.

 

She should also be respectful of you as her ex's wife. What would really help in this situation is if your H handled all the issues with her instead of you. That keeps you out of the loop.

[MLH 77]

Also Blind Otter,

Given the example you shared about your guy and his exW I presume you know EXACTLY how sneaky and inappropriate they can be. LIke having a child with someone gives them carte blanche to do WHATEVER they want. It's just the little subtle things that really get under your skin because you as a woman KNOW exactly what they're doing.

[norajane]

Someone asked earlier if I had issues with obsession in the past. I left home for a few hours and when I was out I thought about that and realized I DO!!! Kinda hard to admit but after analyzing some other situations that have NOTHING to do with Ex-girlfriend/baby mother, I realize I do have issues with obsession. As soon as I log off here I'm gonna do as much research as I can on the topic.

 

I had asked about that - if it strikes a chord do look into it. You can train yourself to replace your obssessive thoughts through Cognitive Behavior Therapy.

 

This also struck me from your first post:

 

He has a 10 year old son by someone he dated in highschool but toward the end of their relationship he was sorta seeing both of us until he decided to settle down (with me).

Is it possible that you have some insecurities about her and your H because he started his relationship with you while cheating on her? I'm assuming she didn't know he was seeing both of you. If she did know, then I can see how you might be competitive with her now.

[MLH 77]

It's kind of wierd that you come here for help- we are trying to help you- but you're being defensive of your actions instead of listening to the different perspectives that make LS what it is. Which is great!

 

The thing that I see with this situation is that you're going back and forth.

 

First of all, she has come to your house and played with your child and you guys have hugged etc- but then the fact that she asked to borrow your H's car pisses you off?

 

Okay, lemme explain. I never said she CAME TO MY HOUSE and played with my son. When my step son was in a summer basketball league we would all be there and she would play with my son and I with hers. It wasn't like she was coming over to visit, sitting down watching television and sipping lemonade. All this is pretty much just when we would see each other. We didn't set up play dates, we didn't make it a point to hang out. Just like when we embraced, which I think was only once. She reached out and I obliged. It wasn't like seeing a long lost friend after years of being apart. It was really just a simple "hi" embrace.

 

 

I'm pissed about the car thing b/c she would have NEVER asked him that if I was there....NEVER. As a matter of fact, I feel the way I feel about the car situatuion, she had no business asking him, IMO, and I'm done explaining that.

 

 

You indicate you are hurt because you thought she would have respected boundaries with your H while you were separated but then you say "We are not friends and never were" So, basically which is it?? You must have thought you were friends or it wouldn't be bothering you this much.

 

Go read Blind_otters post about the peace-treaty.

 

That being said, if you were really friends and you trusted both her and your H then the car wouldn't have been that big of a deal. I'm having trouble understanding exactly what the issue is.

 

To me, it smacks of you believing she asked to borrow the car to screw around with your H.

 

I NEVER said she wanted to borrow his car to mess around.

 

Second of all, yes, I am married to a man with a child. I also have children with my exhusband. I would never ask my exH to borrow his car but we don't get along like you do with his ex. I don't hug her when we see each other and I don't play with her kids nor would I ever. I am respectful of her when I see her in public but that's it.

 

The lines are blurred between you two as of what is appropriate and not. I wouldn't put myself in that position. I can see how it would be confusing as to what to do and what not to do.

 

I wouldn't worry so much about her and instead I'd just focus on being with your H and work that out.

 

It's great to know that you, your H and his wife are all mature about your situation.

[MLH 77]

I had asked about that - if it strikes a chord do look into it. You can train yourself to replace your obssessive thoughts through Cognitive Behavior Therapy.

 

This also struck me from your first post:

 

 

Is it possible that you have some insecurities about her and your H because he started his relationship with you while cheating on her? I'm assuming she didn't know he was seeing both of you. If she did know, then I can see how you might be competitive with her now.

 

 

yes, she knew and yes I think that does play apart in the way I feel. I think things would be different if that history between the three of us wasn't there.

 

 

I'm willing to admit my flaws to people who aren't being judgemental toward me. If I needed that I would've confessed in a church.

[amaysngrace]

I'm sorry amaysngrace, are you a bitter baby's mother? I've just decided to ignore your comments as I feel you're completely off base and no it's NOT b/c you 'sided' (as you like to put it) with the ex. You're makig huge leaps in your assumptions. I think you're taking some of your personal issues out on me. Secondly, you can't begin to know the consideration I have given her.

 

 

Nope, not a bitter baby's mother, my kids are sweet! Like their mom.

 

You say I can't begin to know the consideration you gave the ex...well, like what? Trying to flaunt your 7 month pregnant body off to a woman who's grieving? Wishing to bump into her...oh yeah, that's kind.

 

I have no reason to be bitter towards anyone. It's just not who I am. I only get mildly irked when people make stupid choices and then get angry at those who try to hold them accountable...but I get over it real quick.

 

No, I'm not one to let things brew. You won't find me starting a thread with my story of the past six years. I think if I were to do that I may find I forget things and need to contradict myself quite often when challenged. Who'd want to be bothered doing that?

[MLH 77]

Nope, not a bitter baby's mother, my kids are sweet! Like their mom.

 

You say I can't begin to know the consideration you gave the ex...well, like what? Trying to flaunt your 7 month pregnant body off to a woman who's grieving? Wishing to bump into her...oh yeah, that's kind.

 

I have no reason to be bitter towards anyone. It's just not who I am. I only get mildly irked when people make stupid choices and then get angry at those who try to hold them accountable...but I get over it real quick.

 

No, I'm not one to let things brew. You won't find me starting a thread with my story of the past six years. I think if I were to do that I may find I forget things and need to contradict myself quite often when challenged. Who'd want to be bothered doing that?

 

Okay Mothere Theresa, maybe you can give me the road map to your perfect little world.

[amaysngrace]

Okay Mothere Theresa, maybe you can give me the road map to your perfect little world.

 

 

That's really sad you see my world as perfect. It's really not...just normal.

[blind_otter]

It doesn't do any good to vent your frustrations toward other people, and really it does no good to keep focusing on this situation. Things are still touch and go between you and your husband? Are you seeing a marriage counselor to work on the issues that you had when you separated?

 

I think a lot of your concerns would be alleviated if you had a more open line of communication between you and H?

[Ladyjane14]

There are a myriad of reasons why a person can become obsessional about a particular person, place, or thing. Most of them are psychological, a few are physiological. If you want a professional opinion... you can pay for one and get a professional answer.

 

IME, I've observed most often that a person becomes obsessional due to insecurity or low self-esteem. Often that same person can become combative too.

 

 

I'm sorry amaysngrace, are you a bitter baby's mother? I've just decided to ignore your comments as I feel you're completely off base and no it's NOT b/c you 'sided' (as you like to put it) with the ex. You're makig huge leaps in your assumptions. I think you're taking some of your personal issues out on me. Secondly, you can't begin to know the consideration I have given her.

 

Alot of nice people have taken a bit of their personal time to offer you a thought or opinion. I've read quite a few of Amaysngrace's posts and have never noticed her to be a "bitter" individual. Time is a precious commodity, and she spent a little of hers on YOU.

 

The fact that you bit her head off instead of thanking her for her time ought to tell you something about your stress level. Your best bet, IMHO, would be to address that first. If you're stressed out to the point of biting the heads off of well-meaning strangers on the internet... maybe that sense of stress is slopping off into your personal life and causing tension in your interpersonal relationships.

 

You might consider beginning with some relaxation techniques like meditation, prayer, or deep breathing, followed up with maybe some yoga or tai chi to work out the muscles.

[Mz. Pixie]

Okay, lemme explain. I never said she CAME TO MY HOUSE and played with my son. When my step son was in a summer basketball league we would all be there and she would play with my son and I with hers. It wasn't like she was coming over to visit, sitting down watching television and sipping lemonade. All this is pretty much just when we would see each other. We didn't set up play dates, we didn't make it a point to hang out. Just like when we embraced, which I think was only once. She reached out and I obliged. It wasn't like seeing a long lost friend after years of being apart. It was really just a simple "hi" embrace.

 

 

When you do not fully explain the situation in your post then people can only go by the information provided when giving you their time and advice.

 

I still cannot see why you would be hurt by her actions. You just have to keep in mind, she's not your friend. My husband's ex is always sugary sweet to me when he's around- but won't even speak to me when he's not. I am always nice to her when he's around and she's nice to me. But if she ignores me, I ignore her.

 

I do not nor would I ever consider her my friend. I know the way she is and I would never trust her. Not because she's after my husband or I even think along those lines because I do not believe she is- nor could she get him even if she wanted him. It's because she's sneaky and manipulative.

[blind_otter]

Maybe this has to do with boundary setting. Most peopel don't know how to do that, nor do they take the time to understand what boundaries should be erected with whom. It's totally understandeable. this is not some kind of innate information that you are born with.

 

It is important that both you and your H understand what kind of boundaries should be drawn with ex's. Yes, they must associate because of the shared parenting responsibility but beyond that there need to be clearly defined lines drawn between you guys so that this kind of weird confusion doesn't occur so much.

[RecordProducer]

MLH, this is a very interesting case. It's not tragic, not sad, not funny, just interesting.

 

You indeed sound obsessed and admit it. The question is why and how to get over it.

 

The reasons could be various; perhaps you don't want to accept that your husband had a past with another woman (a son together) or you simply feel that she has been after you all this time and now you want to prove her that you're happy. It can be jealousy (maybe she's prettier than you) or she might just annoy you with her presence in your lives.

 

How to get over it? You're obviously not busy enough. Engage yourself in things that will occupy your mind. You're thinking about her while cooking or doing the dishes. You need to get a life - as simple as that.

 

Our minds wander in fuzzy places when they don't see the light at the end of tunnel. Think of the people who live their lives 300 mph, who wake up early, go to work, to the gym, play golf or tennis, travel, go out, invest money in stocks, help others, raise children... all in the same week.

 

There's no other reason why you're obsessed with this insignificant woman but because you have no better things to do.