2.5 months - at the top and then at the bottom

[johnnytable]

I'm coming up on about 2.5 months of my relationship ending. To summarize, we were in love and together 1.5 years. She has children from a previous marriage and in school. During our relationship, she did not have a healthy relationship with the father of her children. Our plans was to eventually marry and have children of our own together.

 

She was suffering from depression related to a childhood incident. This depression was a bit contageous and I was feeling it as well.

 

About 4-5 months before the relationship ended, she started to pull back and began moving her ex-husband in with her (he would come over more and more and more) to the point that they were living together by the time we broke up.

 

The breakup came as no surprise. I have not contacted her since, but I have responded to contacts from her. You can read more about those here if you want:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t92754/

 

Its been about 3 weeks since I've heard from her and I don't expect to hear anything more. She wanted to be friends but that clearly isn't happening. I do not know if she wanted to get back together with me.

 

So over the weekend I was feeling incredible. I no longer cared about what had happened. I was truly enjoying myself and my life. I was so happy to be beyond things!

 

Then today I sank down, way down. This is so frustrating. Why was I so happy and now so sad? Why am I yearning for somebody that treated me so poorly as to move their ex-husband in while still in a relationship with me? She flipped from wanting my child to wanting me gone rather quickly. She couldn't make up her mind.

 

I think that part of it is because I lost my self respect and have not gained it back. Sitting around while she strung me along and moved in with her ex did not show that I have much respect for myself. I knew what was going on, so I should have stood my ground and sacrificed the relationship if necessary to be treated in a respectful way. Or perhaps I was in denial.

 

I know that she did love me at some point during the relationship, but perhaps I was just helping her get over her ex-husband (she told him once that I was his replacement). She clearly had unresolved issues with him.

 

Since the breakup she unloaded on me a few times, clearly not showing compassion for the situation or respect for how I must be feeling. I didn't respond to this. Honestly I think that I did pretty good post-breakup, as I didn't initiate contact, try to get her back, or attack her in any way. I am just trying to move on with my life.

 

So on days like today, I sit around feeling horrible and thinking that she is great and moved on. Well, if she is great then it was a quick recovery as she was so angry with me 3 weeks ago... but I guess that people can change quickly But I know that she is not upset like I am. These depressive states are paralyzing and it takes a lot for me to pull out. When I do it lasts for a few days and then I'm back in them.

 

So if I saw a post like this, I could give my own advice:

-She does not matter

-She is not good for you. I know that you loved each other, but that changed and things got a bit ugly at the end.

-You will feel better with time

 

But for some reason talking to myself isn't helping! I feel like I am wasting a lot of time thinking about her, but maybe this just takes awhile... more than 2.5 months of breakup and 3 weeks of 100% NC.

[johnnytable]

I might also add that when I feel my depression, also I feel her depression. I end up thinking about how much pain she was in.

 

Trust me, being in a relationship with an unhealthy person can really mess you up!

[riobikini]

re:

 

JohnnyT: " I might also add that when I feel my depression, also I feel her depression.

 

....being in a relationship with an unhealthy person can really mess you up!"

 

Agreed.

 

And no matter how much you love them, want them to get well, or want to live some sort of 'normal' life it probably won't ever happen, unless they seek help for the depression (or whatever illness or problems they have.)

 

I might add that when someone you love suffers from depression, of course, it 'rubs off' on the partner (or even the entire family) -but then, JT, you already *know* that from experience.

 

How do *I* know?

 

(Smile) I was married to someone with Bipolar illness for over three years. The illness and the behavior stemming from it caused a serious decline in the marriage. He was one of those who believed he was miraculously 'healed' after taking his medication just long enough to feel better. -so of course, he secretly stopped taking it and there we'd go again.

 

It was always just a short time before I knew.

 

With your ex-partner -and whether she's getting treatment for her depression or not- I imagine that her illness has played a good deal of a role in the type of partner she chooses. A good 'for instance' would be that she might choose stable, solid partners on whom she can rely in a traditional sense as well as lean heavily with the issues and problems stemming from her depression that she knows -inevitably-will appear at some point future.

 

Or -depending on the type of depression, how serious it is, and if she is getting treatment- she may seek companions who 'understand' her illness in the sense that they may also have serious issues and similar problems.

 

For some (in some cases) doing this releases them from the *responsibility* of properly treating their illness; for others, they simply do not realize *why* they choose the partner whose behavior and personality they lean towards.

 

As for a partner's depression 'rubbing off' on you; it happens all the time.

 

It takes an especially strong person -one who takes the intitiative and does his own research about their partner's illness- who can withstand the heat of such a common problem, and act as a 'monitor' looking for changes in behavior and attitude, etc. in order to remain in the relationship.

 

The more serious the illness, the stronger (and sharper) the partner should be.

 

Suffering from clinical depression doesn't limit how deeply you can love someone; it certainly doesn't keep those who love you from loving you, despite the illness, -but it *can* test a relationship to its very end, if both partners aren't intelligently seeking help, answers, and support for the problems encountered.

 

And if the relationship fails, it's probably not an appropriate response to blame anyone. It's an illness, -a treatable one- but one that just doesn't go away and some partners learn they are simply not strong enough to deal with it (especially, if it's extremely serious, if the person with the depression does not maintain a his treatment, or other issues come into the picture to complicate the relationship).

 

As for your 'highs and lows' that you are experiencing now -that's par for the course. (Smile)

 

Sorry, but it is.

 

You'll probably experience a few more of those episodes before it's truly over. Note: Let those hormones developed and fostered during the relationship disperse (they'll do it without your permission, anyway) -and give them *enough time* to leave. You can choose to keep them (your emotions) stirred by continuing contact (either the direct or the indirect kind) but you wind up only prolonging your recovery from the breakup.

 

I am a true believer in the freeing powers of 'No Contact' in most cases.

 

But do what is *right* for *you*.

 

No one knows what you are feeling better than you; no one knows how deeply you loved your ex more than you do; no one can truly say that -for you- final contact is the best means of closure.

 

Keep in mind that the ex husband has already been there once, in regards to her illness and subsequent behavior, and is probably even more familiar with it than you are. If he asks for another dose of it he should be more than welcome. I only wish I could hand you a silver platter to send you to load him onto so that you could hand him over to her in the manner most appropriate for the situation. (Smile)

 

Concentrate on yourself, JohnnyT. Take this all in stride -take those baby steps; work through the days, the weeks, then the months- and let them roll on by.

 

I promise you that, in a few months, you'll see much more out of all this than you do now.

 

And you may be very humbled -and thankful- you had the experience.

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[bendit]

You are not dealing with a mature person here. You are dealing with a selfish, needy person, one who thinks only of herself. You are dealing with a troubled person, a depressed person. You got "fleas" from her. Fleas are what you get when what they have rubs off on you. They will go away.

 

Your X did something immature and selfish. She kept a relationship intact with you, while she was also taking steps to get back with her X and actually move him back in.

 

She did not do the mature thing and END one relationship and begin another. Instead she let the dramatic "events" of her life manage her, and didn't have the strength nor maturity nor empathy to tell you that she was done with you. After the denouement, she also injected you with hope and empty promises that she would be your friend. Unfortunately, like many trusting loving people, you "fell" for this ploy.

 

What she is doing with this strategy of keeping you at arms length, is solidifying her "supply", the emotional support you gave her over 1.5 years. She needed your supply until her "new / old" supply, X H, was intact and ready to rock n roll. When he became ready, she kicked you further to the back of her "line" of supply givers. She has many. If her relationship with XH hits the skids, she WILL seek you out to try and suck out of you whatever supply you have left to give her. You may think she is through with you; but she probably isn't.

 

But I am more concerned about you and your role in your own current feelings. As for you I would take some Alone time and really examine what is going on here. Who was the honest one in all this? Who was straightforward and above board? Who was mature? Who was selfish? Who was demeaning?

 

Other questions to ask: What can she give you in friendship? Remember what SHE DID to you. Think about this. Do you want a person as a friend, who would devalue you like this ? What do you "owe" this person? Is there any guilt on your part? Is there any manipulation on her part, making you feel you owe her for something? Does she play the "victim" well, and seek your rescue from her misery?

 

What you are feeling is 100% normal for someone who broke up the way you did in this devaluing fashion. It was a walk through hell in slow motion, with her painstakingly moving her X in over four months, while maintaining the charade of a relationship with you.

 

You are LUCKY. Lucky that she has left you alone for three weeks. I say this because I don't hear YOU saying YOU are going NC. I hear you being in NC because she did not follow through and call and talk and befriend you.

 

In you, I hear a person who is not in charge of their recovery. I hear a person whose mental health is subject to the whimsy and emotions of an immature, selfish, troubled, X.

 

Take CONTROL and become responsible for your own healing. Go NC with this person. Why do you want to be friends with this person who did this to you? You don't NEED that. Rebuild a life with new friends and look for a partner who won't ever do that to you. You didn't deserve this.

 

Please study up on what it means to be NC. Get the facts. Study how it heals you. You feel awful because you have continued to stay in contact with someone you know deep down in your bones, devalued you in the worst possible way.

 

She moved her X back in, slept with him, and pretended that you two still had a "relationship." Then, as if nothing happened, she had the audacity to contact you to tell you she wants to have you as a "friend." And then she didn't follow through even on that. She is one disappointment after another.

 

Please take pen and paper in hand and write. Write write write about what happened and be honest about HER. Take HER off the pedestal, and see her as she IS.

 

Your healing is your responsibility and yours ALONE. You are depressed and broken now but you will heal quickly if you do what I say. Start to take your power back by refusing to be in contact with this selfish person.

 

You owe her nothing and you owe yourself everything. Please take charge of your healing and don't allow contact of any kind with this person who made you depressed and sad by devaluing you as a man and a human being.

 

regards

[johnnytable]

Wow, thanks. I can respond in more detail later, but need to go to the office

 

However there is one point of confusion here, in that when she wanted to be my friend I refused her. I told her that I was not interested and that hanging out with her was not an option. Its not like she wanted to be my friend and then didn't follow up on it. I simply cut it off and let her know about it.

 

I forgot to mention that at one point she did "break up" with me (months before we actually split up) and then changed her mind like 5 minutes later, wanting to see how things would go, after I started hugging her. I think this is when it all started... she didn't want to lose the supply until it was replaced by somebody else. I was too weak to recognize this and realize what was going on.

 

You are correct that I have not done 100% NC. All I have done is not contact her directly, yet I was still replying to her when she would contact me.

[johnnytable]

She did not do the mature thing and END one relationship and begin another. Instead she let the dramatic "events" of her life manage her, and didn't have the strength nor maturity nor empathy to tell you that she was done with you.

 

Ya she would express her doubts, but she would lead me along saying that it was because of school, or stress, or that she couldn't handle it right now etc. I honestly think she was trying to get me to break up with her so that she wouldn't have to feel the guilt.

[johnnytable]

You ask about guilt.

 

I do sometimes feel guilty for thinking these "bad" things about her because I also know many of the really good things about her and how she was hurting herself. I was with her for many reasons, so I know that there is a good part of her. I was very happy the first year or so, but I think that I had blinders on as well.

 

But I'm changing such that I can see her for how she is both good and bad. I think that this is the removing of the pedastal.

[johnnytable]

One thing that I have been struggling with is the mutual friends aspect. I have told my friends that I don't want to be around her, so if they invite her to something then they should not invite me as well.

 

The problem is that I feel like a wuss doing this, but I don't really see any other choice given the circumstances.

[bendit]

jt, start putting your own needs first for a change. I know as a "nice guy" you put other's needs ahead of you. that "bit" you here. there is a book called no more mr nice guy by Glover. it was written for You. We have told you how you are going to get through this. its two voices of experience and you should be pleased that two experienced posters have been there and can light the way for you. execute the strategy we have laid out and you will get through this and be better for it. Don't mess around with your recovery. get THROUGH it. Get the book and read it carefully twice.

 

regards

 

ps: pm me anytime. I can relate to much of your story even some SPECIFICS. take care...

[johnnytable]

jt, start putting your own needs first for a change. I know as a "nice guy" you put other's needs ahead of you. that "bit" you here. there is a book called no more mr nice guy by Glover. it was written for You. We have told you how you are going to get through this. its two voices of experience and you should be pleased that two experienced posters have been there and can light the way for you. execute the strategy we have laid out and you will get through this and be better for it. Don't mess around with your recovery. get THROUGH it. Get the book and read it carefully twice.

 

regards

 

ps: pm me anytime. I can relate to much of your story even some SPECIFICS. take care...

 

Thanks man. I have actually read the book (three months ago) but I need to read it again and do the exercises. I also went to some of his classes and had a private session with him before (although so far your advice has been more helpful than the session was)

 

I must say that the advice you have been giving is invaluable. I truely feel different and feel that I have a path through this. Both of you are absolute gems.

[riobikini]

re:

 

JT: " Thanks man. I have actually read the book (three months ago) but I need to read it again and do the exercises. I also went to some of his classes and had a private session with him before (although so far your advice has been more helpful than the session was)

 

I must say that the advice you have been giving is invaluable. I truely feel different and feel that I have a path through this. Both of you are absolute gems."

 

Bendit is an excellent advice-giver -that is- if you are *seriously* looking for a real-life answer for your problem. Some of the ladies take offense now and then with his approach (they think he's being harsh with them) but the guys understand his language *perfectly*. It's concise, no-frills, and exactly what they need. (The ladies like it put in flowery terms).

 

I agree with you, JT, Bendit has a way of making a point that directs you back on track.

 

If you listen and follow what he says you'll likely emerge from all the garbage of your breakup quicker, -and overall -better.

 

*Keep up the good work Bendit.

 

And all take care.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[johnnytable]

Not to jinx myself, I just wanted to give a shout out and let you know how much better I have been doing since this thread started. I can't believe that I was feeling the way I did ten days ago compared to how I have been feeling the last ten days.

 

Thank you for your kind, forceful, and direct advice. It has honestly propelled my recovery. You two are phenominal.