notmuchzzz_890 Posted August 9, 2006 Share Posted August 9, 2006 Hi all as you can see this is my first post. I'm not into writing stories nor visting forums so I might not come back and I'll keep it as short of possible. I'm into a 6 year long term-relationship and from the start he knew very well I was not into marriage nor having kids. Everything's beeb going well for far but about 4 months ago he starts questioning if I had a girl or boy what would I name him/her. I assume he was joking and say that Paulo and Maritza are good name for puppies and quickly changed the subject. Another inidence is him telling me how would I react if he ever propose to me, which then I told him that in order for someone to propose people have to have talked and agree on it in advance and changed the sujbect once again. So I'm wondering why is he talking about it after 6 years knowing I'm not going to get married nor have kids. He was happy about it when we met now he seems to get a bit distant, esp. when I changed the subject. What's the big idea, isn't he happy being with me, why the need to marry, why the need for kids? Link to post Share on other sites
magda Posted August 9, 2006 Share Posted August 9, 2006 Perhaps he has had a change of heart. Or, he may have thought that you were all talk and that as time passed you'd decide that you want to marry and have children after all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author notmuchzzz_890 Posted August 9, 2006 Author Share Posted August 9, 2006 In which the answer is going to be "No". Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted August 9, 2006 Share Posted August 9, 2006 people change over time, I suppose. Some people feel the need to cement their committment with marriage, or maybe HIS biological clock is ticking. Have "the talk" again. Sometimes it does us good to have reminders from our partners about what their wants and needs are. He may want to re-evaluate his decision to stay childless. Some people do, over time. Change is normal. Link to post Share on other sites
Author notmuchzzz_890 Posted August 9, 2006 Author Share Posted August 9, 2006 I will have a talk with him again, but if he is confortable with me he should be ok with the idea that I'm not going marry and definately not interest in kids (not suitable for me). Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted August 9, 2006 Share Posted August 9, 2006 I will have a talk with him again, but if he is confortable with me he should be ok with the idea that I'm not going marry and definately not interest in kids (not suitable for me). Well, yeah, but he's also entitled to have his own desires and goals in life. If he does want to have children, that's not a personal insult against you. It's just a different path in life. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted August 9, 2006 Share Posted August 9, 2006 Why 'should' he? 6 years ago, he may have been ok with that, may have thought he'd never want to marry you or have kids with you, may not have even known if he'd want to be with you in 6 months. After 6 years, though, you have created something of a life together, he's grown up some, and his needs in a relationship may have changed. You can't tell him what he 'should' or 'shouldn't' feel. Be prepared for him to decided he isn't comfortable in your relationship anymore, and break up with you. He might want the family that he didn't want 6 years ago, and if you're not open to that, he may decide he's better off seeking it elsewhere. Link to post Share on other sites
SoCalCatman72 Posted August 9, 2006 Share Posted August 9, 2006 So I'm wondering why is he talking about it after 6 years knowing I'm not going to get married nor have kids. He was happy about it when we met now he seems to get a bit distant, esp. when I changed the subject. What's the big idea, isn't he happy being with me, why the need to marry, why the need for kids? From a guy's point of view; Time brings with it lessons. Lessons, when taken to heart bring experience. Experience brings wisdom. Wisdom brings change. (taking off the Yoda ears now) People change over time and six years is a long time. When I look back at the person I was six years ago, I can't believe I was so ignorant and silly. I thought I knew it all, and in reality I barely knew anything about even myself (I'm 33 now). Men do mature more slowly than women. Some men never truly mature (unfortunate but true). And men do in fact have a biological clock, (scientifically proven) based upon the half life DNA (something to do with telemorase or something which controls replication of the DNA), which is targeted at roughly 40-44 yrs. Even though men never "run out" of sperm, the genetic material used to "program" those sperm begins to break down, which causes the DNA to begin replicating with abnormalities. So a man's best chance of producing a genetically ideal child is before his mid forties. Humans are biologically driven to reproduce. Quite frankly, sex was originally designed to increase the populace. Until we got all scientific and started creating stuff like contraceptives, the practical result of sex was generally procreation. Men historically have wanted sons to "carry on the family name", which is the societal manifestiation of an inherent biological drive to see their genetic material propogate in the gene pool. I'm sure he's happy being with you, in fact I'll be willing to bet that he's so happy being with you that he doesn't want to be with anyone else as long as you are around. That my dear is called wanting to get married. We are complex creatures from Mars. Though we act tough on the outside, trying to fulfill our designated role as protector and provider, we are all deep down inside, fragile little boys. As we age, and find that we can't quite run as far, or think as fast, or lift as much as we once could, we begin to realize that someday our strength will leave us, and we will be old, withered, feeble and lonely, with no wife or children to care for us. We also know deep in our hearts, that when the equipment stops functioning (despite the miracles of modern medicine), the one we want to be with will love us for the only things we have left. Our mind and our soul, which hopefully will have grown stronger as our bodies fail. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BeFree Posted August 10, 2006 Share Posted August 10, 2006 Why 'should' he? 6 years ago, he may have been ok with that, may have thought he'd never want to marry you or have kids with you, may not have even known if he'd want to be with you in 6 months. After 6 years, though, you have created something of a life together, he's grown up some, and his needs in a relationship may have changed. You can't tell him what he 'should' or 'shouldn't' feel. Be prepared for him to decided he isn't comfortable in your relationship anymore, and break up with you. He might want the family that he didn't want 6 years ago, and if you're not open to that, he may decide he's better off seeking it elsewhere. Exactly what I was going to say..good post Nora. But I want to know OP, why are you so against marriage? You have spent six years with him. You must love him, care about him, trust him and want to be with him. Do you fear marriage? Do you fear divorce? Will your fears cause you to lose the person you love? I have a feeling he really wants to get married now and may have to walk away from you, if you can not move forward. Once a man decides he wants to get married,there is no stopping them. If you won't marry him someone else will. Link to post Share on other sites
penkitten Posted August 11, 2006 Share Posted August 11, 2006 perhaps its something he yearned for all along. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted August 11, 2006 Share Posted August 11, 2006 Any particular reasons for such severe anti-family mindset? How old are you, if no secret? Link to post Share on other sites
Author notmuchzzz_890 Posted August 11, 2006 Author Share Posted August 11, 2006 why are you so against marriage? You have spent six years with him. You must love him, care about him, trust him and want to be with him. Do you fear marriage? Do you fear divorce? Will your fears cause you to lose the person you love? Off course I love, care for him and trust him. Not that I'm against marriage just that I don't want to, never had any desires to marry nor have kids. That was my chose from a long time starting at the age of 15 and my mind's stable on it. I'm just happy being with him and the intimacy is great, well that is till now, he's becoming kinda distant while I seem to want more sex than him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author notmuchzzz_890 Posted August 11, 2006 Author Share Posted August 11, 2006 Any particular reasons for such severe anti-family mindset? How old are you, if no secret? Woah I'm not saying having a family is terrible nor did I say I'm against it. I only say that I have no desire for marriage and kids aren't suitable for me. I'm fine with only babysiting my 3 year-old niece once in a while. As for the age I'm about to turn 25 and he's 28. Link to post Share on other sites
BeFree Posted August 11, 2006 Share Posted August 11, 2006 Off course I love, care for him and trust him. Not that I'm against marriage just that I don't want to, never had any desires to marry nor have kids. That was my chose from a long time starting at the age of 15 and my mind's stable on it. I'm just happy being with him and the intimacy is great, well that is till now, he's becoming kinda distant while I seem to want more sex than him. He is being distant with you becuase he knows you don't want the same things anymore. He is preparing himself to walk away. Just the way women do when they realize their bf is never going to marry them. So, you made up your mind at 15??? Wow, if I did everything I said I was going to do at 15 I would be famous broadway actress married to a male model! Things change. Link to post Share on other sites
niko1999 Posted August 12, 2006 Share Posted August 12, 2006 Believe it or not, your mindset may still change. 24, nowadays, is still rather young to be thinking about marriage and children. When I was 15, there was no way I wanted kids. When I was 22, I didnt want kids, hated them. A few years later, my mind has changed. Still dont LOVE kids, but I do want a couple of my own. But if your boyfriend is distancing himself, he's probably got a LOT going on in his head right now, and deciding whether or not that not getting married and not having kids is something he can deal with. He was 22 when you started dating, a lot of guys DONT want kids or to get married at that age, but they change as they grow up. I suggest sitting down and talking to him and seeing what his perspectives are. And if he wants kids and marriage, and you still dont, well, unforutnalty that is something that isnt usually compromised upon. Link to post Share on other sites
silentcharon Posted August 12, 2006 Share Posted August 12, 2006 [ Exactly what I was going to say..good post Nora. But I want to know OP, why are you so against marriage? You have spent six years with him. You must love him, care about him, trust him and want to be with him. Do you fear marriage? Do you fear divorce? Will your fears cause you to lose the person you love? I have a feeling he really wants to get married now and may have to walk away from you, if you can not move forward. Once a man decides he wants to get married,there is no stopping them. If you won't marry him someone else will./QUOTE] No, I don't think she fears marriage. I too, don't believe in marriage. It isn't because I fear marriage or divorce, it's just, not that important to me. His love was good enough for me, and I chose to accept that. I felt that I didn't need to marry him to validate our commitment. I think that's the angle she's looking from at the marriage issue. If he ends up walking away from her, so be it. It wasn't meant to be. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted August 29, 2006 Share Posted August 29, 2006 People want what they can't have... its simple... but oh so true Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted September 14, 2006 Share Posted September 14, 2006 i think u r being a bitch about it atleast grow up and have a commitment atleast he loves you that much to want to b with u forever Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts