Not happy with life and struggling to cope

[Ariadne]

Hi guys,

 

I know this may sound crazy to most of you, but I have been thinking about it a lot.

 

Life sucks.

 

And I don't want to grow to be old, ugly, sick, decrepit, and lonely.

 

Plus, I have nothing to do here, and the things that are for me to do here, suck too.

 

I can't think of anything that I can to to make life worth living, unless it's for the heck of it. Nothing.

 

So I've been planning this.

 

Here's the deal:

 

I'm going to put my car on my son's name and take whatever little money I have left in the bank and put it in an envelope for him.

 

Then I'm going to write a goodbye note to my parents and son, and head to the hospital.

 

In my purse I'm going to have a gun and the ID card that says that I donate all of my organs. (I wonder if they'll detect the gun there, but I can show them the goodbye notes etc). And a list of all the people to call with the numbers and a pre-paid phone card.

 

Before I head to the hospital I'm going to take a bunch of tranquilizers and sleeping pills so that I'm all oozie.

 

Then I go to the emergency room bathroom, and shoot myself in the mouth.

 

There. I don't think that death is all that bad as they make it to be, and then I'd do some good deed at the end by giving away all of my organs so the hospital people don't waste time, while at the same time my son is not going to have to find me.

 

My son, btw, has a father who loves him dearly that lives in Las Vegas with a wonderful family because he got remarried (the new wife is really nice to him too), has a beautiful big house, and my son even has a half-brother and a step-brother and a dog.

 

(I don't even have a job and we live in a one bedroom apartment).

 

I already called my mom and told her I was going to do that, I think, well, then I got a few phone calls from her therapist and my brother trying to wake me up of sorts.

 

But it didn't work. Life still sucks.

 

I'm not sure if I'm going to go through with it or not, because I agree, it is kind of spooky, but if I'm doped out maybe it'll all feel like a dream and not scary.

 

What do you guy think? Am I the only one having these thoughts?

 

Or, can you give me some ideas that would make life worth living without love?

 

Ariadne

[TheSilentType]

Are you despondent because you don't have a job or because you are feeling lonely and don't have anyone in your life?

 

Are you feeling down because your ex-husband has moved on and you feel you are stagnating?

 

Sorry for these questions when you are looking for help. But it would help if I understood what would drive you to want to end your life.

 

At the very least, you should speak personally with someone. Not your mother, but a professional or a counselor. Maybe even call a suicide hotline. I would look up a number and post for you, but I'm not sure if I'm allowed to do that on here.

[LaraV]

can you give me some ideas that would make life worth living without love?

 

Ariadne

 

Yep: Your son.

[KittenMoon]

Or, can you give me some ideas that would make life worth living without love?

 

If you are going to toss your life away so casually, why not devote yourself to something that helps others. Join a convent, for example, and help the poor. Or join the Peace Corp. Or the Red Cross. Or volunteer in a homeless shelter.

 

And please realize, no matter what else your son has, having a mother who kills herself will leave a completely unfillable hole in his life.

 

From reading your posts, you may also want to consider some sort of in-patient mental health treatment center. At least exhaust all avenues before you do something that cannot be reversed.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

Are you despondent because you don't have a job or because you are feeling lonely and don't have anyone in your life?

 

I don't have a job, I'm out of money, I don't want to work, work is slavery, I have no family and no friends since my family lives in another country and I am not the friend type. Friends basically bore me after five minutes, I'm the loner type.

 

Are you feeling down because your ex-husband has moved on and you feel you are stagnating?

 

My ex husband and I divorced 13 years ago (I'm 38) and the reason I mentioned him is because he'd be able to provide my son with a better life than I can, since he has a nice family, home etc. Plus the half-brother that my son loves.

 

Thanks,

 

Ariadne

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[Tony T]

So you think life should be easy and if everything doesn't go exactly your way you can just check out, right? Well, you're right about the part where you can check out if you want. But life doesn't always happen the way you want and that's the beauty of it. Life is a great challenge. If it was easy, it would be boring and hardly worth the effort.

 

I certainly don't think you are without love in your life...but even if you were it's certainly not an essential ingredient. What love IS an essential ingredient is the love you have for yourself. If you don't love yourself, others will be hard pressed to find it in themselves to love you. If you think so little of yourself that you would want to kill yourself, then obviously you have no love for yourself and therein lies the answer why people aren't beating down your door to love you.

 

Yes, suicide is certainly an option. But, hey, you only get one shot at this very brief look at wonderful consciousness and the ability to do with it what you want. The vast majority of sperms and eggs never unite and meet to form a being who will, like you, see all the beauty the world has to offer. If you want to waste the gift you have received, you have a free will and you can end it no matter what we say.

 

A lot of people got blown to bits in Iraq and other places around the world today. You are in one piece. You have a lot to be thankful about.

 

You sound very organized in your plans to end your life. Why not use that same passion to make your life better. If it's love you want, spend time falling in love with yourself. Then use your computer, friends or whatever to find just ONE person who will love you. They are out there and they are plentiful.

[Ariadne]

Thanks Lara,

 

Yep: Your son.

 

Well, that "is" my great dilemma.

 

But then I figured that he'd have a better life with his father, and that I have already brought him up (16), so he got the whatever learning and nurturing that he needs from a family.

 

But yes, that is the touchy point.

 

Ariadne

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[KittenMoon]

Ariadne- think about this.

 

There are literally an infinite number of combinations of things you can do to fix, enjoy, or enhance Life.

 

For Death, there are none.

[burning 4 revenge]

Why do you think no man will ever love you again?

[Sand&Water]

My ex husband and I divorced 13 years ago (I'm 38) and the reason I mentioned him is because he'd be able to provide my son with a better life than I can, since he has a nice family, home etc. Plus the half-brother that my son loves.

 

Are you absolutely sure that your ex husband would want to take in another child? Suppose he doesn't agree, what would you do?

 

You are making this very tough for your son. Please think of him and his future, but most importantly yourself. You are setting up a life of misery for your son, by going through with your plan. Talk to someone you confide in, and seek help from professionals and family.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

If you are going to toss your life away so casually, why not devote yourself to something that helps others. Join a convent, for example, and help the poor. Or join the Peace Corp. Or the Red Cross. Or volunteer in a homeless shelter.

 

Well, I figured that donating my organs that are all working fine and young would be a good contribution

 

Ariadne

__________________

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[KittenMoon]

Well, I figured that donating my organs that are all working fine and young would be a good contribution

 

The next 40 yrs of your life would be better. For you and everyone else.

 

Why not volunteer for and organ donation service?

[TheSilentType]

Thanks for answering my questions.

 

You sound pretty isolated. Apart from your son, you don't have many people in your life. Maybe that's why you have become so focused on yourself and are now obsessing with negative thoughts.

 

I really think you should speak with your psychologist or a psychiatrist. You sound like you are depressed and don't have a lot of motivation to work or be around others. I mean, lots of people hate their jobs and their bosses, but they still get up in the morning because they know that's what they have to do to survive.

 

Why do you hate working? What kind of work do you do that makes you feel like a slave? I know you said you're a loner, but why do you easily tire of others? You have to explore these issues with someone to make sure the problem does not lie within you and not necessarily your work or friends

 

At the very least, speak with some type of counselor so that you can just get everything off your chest. Sometimes, it just helps to spill out everything to someone.

 

By the way, its noble of you to want to donate your organs. But I'm not sure if the hospital can ethically accept it under such a tragic situation.

[lindya]

Or, can you give me some ideas that would make life worth living without love?

 

Ariadne

 

Are you on anti-depressants? If not, you need to make an appointment with your doctor ASAP and tell him/her that you're having these thoughts. Look on getting better as being your primary project just now, and if you're not already on welfare benefits check that out too. From what you're saying, you're not well just now - and it could be that you will be entitled to some financial assistance. Maybe someone else from the US can advise you a bit more on that?

 

Once you start feeling better - and you will, provided you tackle this in a strategic and determined manner, the idea of work might not seem so depressing and restrictive. Nowadays, a 9 to 5pm grind isn't always necessary either. There are opportunities for freelance work in all sorts of areas. As long as you're suffering from depression, though, you're not going to be motivated to look into any of it.

 

You also need to make an appointment with that therapist your mother put you in touch with. Hitting rock bottom like this (and that's what formulating a suicide plan amounts to) is very often the start of a turning point. Good counselling will help you to get through this and start making the improvements/setting the goals that you need in order to make your life feel worthwhile. It'll happen. Many, many people before you have gone through these feelings and gone on to have happy and fulfilling lives. You will too, provided you take the advice people give you.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

Thanks for your thoughtful response.

 

So you think life should be easy and if everything doesn't go exactly your way you can just check out, right?

 

I have lived for almost 40 years and nothing has been easy, and the moments of heartbreak and despair out weight by far the whatever little good I have encountered.

 

What love IS an essential ingredient is the love you have for yourself. If you don't love yourself, others will be hard pressed to find it in themselves to love you.

 

I do love myself. But for what? What do I do with that? I have a lot of love to give, and share. And every time I feel like I'm at the doors of paradise with the man I love and want to spend the rest of my life with, those doors shut down right on my face. Leaving me confused and even more hopeless.

 

And it repeats over and over and over and over again...

 

A lot of people got blown to bits in Iraq and other places around the world today. You are in one piece. You have a lot to be thankful about.

 

No, I think the world is crazy.

 

Then use your computer, friends or whatever to find just ONE person who will love you. They are out there and they are plentiful.

 

Oh, I have no problem finding people to love me. I married two of those, the problem is I don't love them back. I seem to love men that break my heart only.

 

Ariadne

__________________

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[norajane]

Thanks Lara,

 

Yep: Your son.

 

Well, that "is" my great dilemma.

 

But then I figured that he'd have a better life with his father, and that I have already brought him up (16), so he got the whatever learning and nurturing that he needs from a family.

 

But yes, that is the touchy point.

 

Ariadne

__________________

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Your son would bear the burden of feeling like he's at fault the rest of his life. No matter what you said in a note, he's going to feel like it's his fault, or that he was powerless to do anything, or that you didn't love him enough to stick around.

 

And he will never, ever be able to hug you again, or talk with you again, and he will most definitely feel that loss. He will never be able to share the beautiful moments of his life with you - love, marriage, children...he will never be able to share the hard moments in life with you either. He will feel your absence for the rest of his life.

 

And he likely will end up in therapy for a long time in trying to deal with his feelings of guilt, loss, hurt, betrayal. Don't take this lightly - you would be hurting him irreparably and affecting his relationships with women for the rest of his life. He might fear intimacy and abandonment by anyone he became involved with.

 

Instead, why don't you talk to a therapist. Your depression could be a chemical imbalance...maybe medication would help you feel less hopeless.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

Why do you think no man will ever love you again?

 

Well, what I'm looking for is for a soulmate type of love. A love of that kind.

 

And the moment I thought I had found it, it all crumbled down.

 

I don't want just any guy to love me, I want "the one".

 

Ariadne

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[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

Are you absolutely sure that your ex husband would want to take in another child? Suppose he doesn't agree, what would you do?

 

Pretty much. He adores my son, he was his first son and suffers from being away from him (although he goes there for vacations etc). He is also a very nice guy and so is the wife and the little kid loves him too.

 

You are making this very tough for your son. Please think of him and his future, but most importantly yourself. You are setting up a life of misery for your son, by going through with your plan.

 

Yeah, I know that's the icky part.

 

Thanks,

 

Ariadne

__________________

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[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

Why do you hate working? What kind of work do you do that makes you feel like a slave?

 

I'm a programmer and I worked from 8 to 6 more or less in a cubicle typing code for a secret project (dep of defense) where I didn't know if it was day or night.

 

I know you said you're a loner, but why do you easily tire of others?

 

I don't know, I guess I don't have the patience. I'm very instrospective.

 

Ariadne

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[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

Are you on anti-depressants? If not, you need to make an appointment with your doctor ASAP and tell him/her that you're having these thoughts.

 

No, I don't want to take them.

 

From what you're saying, you're not well just now - and it could be that you will be entitled to some financial assistance.

 

Well, I was on unemployment for some time but that run out pretty fast. So now I'm living of of savings but they are running out "fast"

 

There are opportunities for freelance work in all sorts of areas. As long as you're suffering from depression, though, you're not going to be motivated to look into any of it.

 

I don't know if I'm suffering from depression or I just had it with all this nonsense. But maybe I'm in the wrong field of work being a programmer, I don't know, maybe tending gardens would be nicer. I'm so confused!

 

You also need to make an appointment with that therapist your mother put you in touch with.

 

Well, he also called from the country my mom lives in, I'm friends with him too but he's too far.

 

Hitting rock bottom like this (and that's what formulating a suicide plan amounts to) is very often the start of a turning point.

 

I don't know, but what it scares me is how much I think about it, and the more I do, it doesn't even sound so bad.

 

Good counseling will help you to get through this and start making the improvements/setting the goals that you need in order to make your life feel worthwhile. It'll happen.

 

The problem I have is I'm stubborn and I don't listen to anyone.

 

Thanks so much Lindya,

 

Ariadne

__________________

♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥

[Sup]

Hi guys,

 

I know this may sound crazy to most of you, but I have been thinking about it a lot.

 

Life sucks.

 

And I don't want to grow to be old, ugly, sick, decrepit, and lonely.

 

Plus, I have nothing to do here, and the things that are for me to do here, suck too.

 

I can't think of anything that I can to to make life worth living, unless it's for the heck of it. Nothing.

 

So I've been planning this.

 

Here's the deal:

 

I'm going to put my car on my son's name and take whatever little money I have left in the bank and put it in an envelope for him.

 

Then I'm going to write a goodbye note to my parents and son, and head to the hospital.

 

In my purse I'm going to have a gun and the ID card that says that I donate all of my organs. (I wonder if they'll detect the gun there, but I can show them the goodbye notes etc). And a list of all the people to call with the numbers and a pre-paid phone card.

 

Before I head to the hospital I'm going to take a bunch of tranquilizers and sleeping pills so that I'm all oozie.

 

Then I go to the emergency room bathroom, and shoot myself in the mouth.

 

There. I don't think that death is all that bad as they make it to be, and then I'd do some good deed at the end by giving away all of my organs so the hospital people don't waste time, while at the same time my son is not going to have to find me.

 

My son, btw, has a father who loves him dearly that lives in Las Vegas with a wonderful family because he got remarried (the new wife is really nice to him too), has a beautiful big house, and my son even has a half-brother and a step-brother and a dog.

 

(I don't even have a job and we live in a one bedroom apartment).

 

I already called my mom and told her I was going to do that, I think, well, then I got a few phone calls from her therapist and my brother trying to wake me up of sorts.

 

But it didn't work. Life still sucks.

 

I'm not sure if I'm going to go through with it or not, because I agree, it is kind of spooky, but if I'm doped out maybe it'll all feel like a dream and not scary.

 

What do you guy think? Am I the only one having these thoughts?

 

Or, can you give me some ideas that would make life worth living without love?

 

Ariadne

 

Hell is a LOT WORSE than ANY bad life, DON'T kill yourself, do you go to a church? Besides I'm sure there is someone out there for you, in the mean time just enjoy the freedom of being single, no responsibilities, etc. well at least when your kids are not with you at the time. But you get the idea.

[Diver012]

But you are listening. You wouldnt have posted this on here if you didnt want help in the first place.

 

I have spent most of my life looking for "The One" Thought I finially found it. She told me she found it in me. This was supposed to be the big one. But I ignored all the classic commitment hpobic warning signs. I even ignored her telling me she had a fear of commitment. Sometimes we see and hear what we want to. We meet someone, and instead of seing them for how they really are, we make them into something they are not.

 

I think "The One" is a pre-defined image of a person that only exists in our minds. I think in order for us to truely love and be loved, we need to learn to accept others for who they really are, and let go of who we want them to be.

 

I understand your hurting. Im hurting too. All of us on here are hurting or we wouldnt be here. You apparently do have friends here so you are not alone.

[Mollyanna]

I know what you are feeling. And maybe I should have written this in a private letter to you, but you need to find a good hospital and go there now! I know because I have been there.

 

My first suicide attempt was at age 20 via an overdose while I was in tech school in the AF. I spent 2 weeks in the mental health facility on base. Everything in my life was going wrong and when my boyfriend left me, that was the last straw. i wanted to die. I still have the suicide letter because it is in my diary. I cry everytime I read it.

 

My family and friends grieved desperately over what I tried to do. They were so angry and said I had no idea what that would have done to their lives. To this day, i still regret that decision to kill myself because it only made my life worse. I was kicked out of the AF, something I will always always regret. I still dream about that day and what I could have done differently.

 

In the last 13 years, I have had 1 other attempt and a couple of close calls. But each time in the hospital, I met others just like me who had the same thoughts and I learned many coping methods to deal with my stress and anxiety and hopelessness. PLEASE DO THIS FOR YOURSELF. Giving up solves nothing. You owe it to yourself and your son to TRY ANYTHING you can.

 

I don't know you very well but if you ever want to talk, I will send you my phone number and you can call me because I know how desperate it gets.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

that he was powerless to do anything, or that you didn't love him enough to stick around.

 

That is one big truth

 

And he will never, ever be able to hug you again, or talk with you again, and he will most definitely feel that loss. He will never be able to share the beautiful moments of his life with you - love, marriage, children...he will never be able to share the hard moments in life with you either. He will feel your absence for the rest of his life.

 

Oh, you are making me cry...

 

And he likely will end up in therapy for a long time in trying to deal with his feelings of guilt, loss, hurt, betrayal.

 

Oh, no betrayal...

 

Don't take this lightly - you would be hurting him irreparably and affecting his relationships with women for the rest of his life. He might fear intimacy and abandonment by anyone he became involved with.

 

 

Thank you so much, I guess this post helped a lot. I figure my son is old but maybe not old enough. (But the weird thing is that I know he'll understand me).

 

Ariadne

 

Ps: But life sure sucks!!!

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[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

Hell is a LOT WORSE than ANY bad life, DON'T kill yourself, do you go to a church?

 

No, I belive in reincarnation of some sort. And I don't go to any church. I'm more into Zen and that type of spiritual stuff.

 

in the mean time just enjoy the freedom of being single, no responsibilities, etc.

 

Sigh... yeah, I've been going to the gym, the park, seeing the ducks, the beach, etc etc... but nothing changes that life sucks.

 

Ariadne

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