Not happy with life and struggling to cope

[Ariadne]

Hey!

 

My girl!

 

I know what you are feeling. And maybe I should have written this in a private letter to you, but you need to find a good hospital and go there now! I know because I have been there.

 

Nah, those hospitals fuc you up even more.

 

My first suicide attempt was at age 20 via an overdose while I was in tech school in the AF. I spent 2 weeks in the mental health facility on base. Everything in my life was going wrong and when my boyfriend left me, that was the last straw. i wanted to die. I still have the suicide letter because it is in my diary. I cry every time I read it.

 

Wow...

 

I was kicked out of the AF, something I will always always regret. I still dream about that day and what I could have done differently.

 

Well, I have nothing to be kicked out of really.

 

PLEASE DO THIS FOR YOURSELF. Giving up solves nothing. You owe it to yourself and your son to TRY ANYTHING you can.

 

Sigh... but I really think that death is "no big deal"

 

I don't know you very well but if you ever want to talk, I will send you my phone number and you can call me because I know how desperate it gets.

 

Thank you so much {{{Mollyanna}}}

 

Ariadne

[HopefulOne]

Hi,

 

that he was powerless to do anything, or that you didn't love him enough to stick around.

 

That is one big truth

 

And he will never, ever be able to hug you again, or talk with you again, and he will most definitely feel that loss. He will never be able to share the beautiful moments of his life with you - love, marriage, children...he will never be able to share the hard moments in life with you either. He will feel your absence for the rest of his life.

 

Oh, you are making me cry...

 

And he likely will end up in therapy for a long time in trying to deal with his feelings of guilt, loss, hurt, betrayal.

 

Oh, no betrayal...

 

Don't take this lightly - you would be hurting him irreparably and affecting his relationships with women for the rest of his life. He might fear intimacy and abandonment by anyone he became involved with.

 

 

Thank you so much, I guess this post helped a lot. I figure my son is old but maybe not old enough. (But the weird thing is that I know he'll understand me).

 

Ariadne

 

Ps: But life sure sucks!!!

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Okay, first and foremost I am a suicide survivor and you have no idea what this will do to your son. My father killed himself when I was 31 and it doesn't matter how old you are, and no he won't understand. I will never understand ( I went to therapy ) and I will never have answers. Yes, I have a huge hole in my heart, I always will and there are still days that I wonder why, what, what was wrong with me. Now, I realize that was his choice, it was a selfish choice. He should have reached out, which you appear to be doing. I cannot describe in words the pain and hurt that one carries around with them, trust me on this. I know the pain, the heartache, the guilt. If only I had been there more, if I only I had done this. It never goes away because you never have any answers. Yes, life is hard sometimes but you must reach out and let people help you. Go talk to a therapist, someone, a hotline. Your son needs you, believe me on this. You do have love in your life and that is him. Try to be strong. A man is not going to make you complete, you need to do something for yourself, I believe in you and I am sure if you look around you, there are many people reaching out to help. Let them.

 

I know you are feeling hopeless and in despair but it can and will get better. It broke my heart to read this thread and it breaks my heart that you feel the way you do. Put you love and energy into your son, he needs you. Do something for you! You sound like a very giving person, I have read many of your threads and responses. Take care of you, get some help, reach out, talk, scream if you have to.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

But you are listening. You wouldnt have posted this on here if you didnt want help in the first place.

 

Well, they say that people that suicide tell first. So I guess I'd tell.

 

I think "The One" is a pre-defined image of a person that only exists in our minds. I think in order for us to truely love and be loved, we need to learn to accept others for who they really are, and let go of who we want them to be.

 

Nah, I think you just need to find the mirror of you.

 

I understand your hurting. Im hurting too. All of us on here are hurting or we wouldnt be here. You apparently do have friends here so you are not alone.

 

Well, this is not so much about hurting but more of I've had it and I'm not that afraid really.

 

But who knows,

 

Ariadne

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

My father killed himself when I was 31 and it doesn't matter how old you are, and no he won't understand. I will never understand

 

I'm so sorry.

 

I cannot describe in words the pain and hurt that one carries around with them, trust me on this. I know the pain, the heartache, the guilt. If only I had been there more, if I only I had done this.

 

Thank you.

 

Your son needs you, believe me on this. You do have love in your life and that is him. Try to be strong.

 

Thanks.

 

I know you are feeling hopeless and in despair but it can and will get better. It broke my heart to read this thread and it breaks my heart that you feel the way you do.

 

Thank you.

 

I appreciate your response, Hopeful,

 

Ariadne

[Mollyanna]

Nah, those hospitals fuc you up even more.

 

Have you been to one? I have been to 5 of them. (i'm not ashamed of that anymore, not matter what you guys may think of me.) 2 were ineffective but not bad. it's not necessarily the doctors and nurses that make a difference. Find somewhere that doesn't just push medication, but also education. And TALK to the other patients. There is a comradarie not unlike what you see here at LS. One hospital, I cried over the people we all cried when people left because we became very close to one another.

 

Don't pay attention to what you see on TV. Mental Health facilities have different wards. They do not put you in with the sociopaths. They do not chain you to your bed. You are in no danger. It is a quiet, safe environment where you can rest and take care of yourself. (you just aren't allowed to keep your shoelaces or shave your legs). We did crafts, movies, 1:1 therapy, group therapy, free time, educational seminars about depression, coping, and other topics, and one place I went swimming and played tennis every single day. We even did a confidence course where I got to propel across a metal wire as high as a telephone line.

 

And some hospitals have outpatient. The fact that you have a plan scares me. That is one of the major warning signs that you are serious. Check out some facilities please. Some are almost like a Club-Med. They can't keep the people from coming back again and again!

[fireflywy]

I have nothing profound to say... nor the words to assuage how you feel...

 

I have simply this....

 

Please don't do it.

 

You sound like a wonderful person. I'm sure there are so many things that you bring to this world, a light that you may not clearly see.

 

A book I once read, said "In the end, all stars burn out and night falls, however, it only takes one candle to hold back the night."

 

Sometimes in our rougher moments, its hard to see our light from a distance. We may look upon ourselves and what we have as nothing more than a candle, but for so many, we burn brighter than stars.

 

I'm sure that for your son, and many others, you're a guiding light.

 

Don't extinguish it.

 

Make it burn brighter and you'll see yourself through this time.

[Mollyanna]

Something to keep in mind...

I was having suicidal thoughts 2 weeks ago. Couldn't find a single thing to live for.

 

Today I am happy, getting stronger every day. Was actually dancing in the living room this morning. The days get brighter. If you stick around, you will see that. If you don't, you have no idea what kind of happiness you could have experienced if you had just waited around to find out. And you might have cheated someone out of knowing you - like your grandkids perhaps some day... or the love of your life who is out there desperately searching for you right now. How could you desert him??

[climbergirl]

<You do this> and your son will go from extreme sadness to intense anger (and back and forth between the two.) ---for many, many years. And when he has kids I think his emotions will kick into high gear.

 

He'll never, ever get over this.

 

And I don't think you want to put him through that.

[HokeyReligions]

Hi. I'm 16. My dad just came to pick me up - we've been packing my things. I don't want to move. Well, sometimes I do - but that's typical of a teenager with divorced parents isn't it? We always *think* life would be easier with the other parent - but that's just teen-think. I know it won't. I know there are more things to learn and do and that I really don't know everything. I get mad at my mom sometimes but I know she does the things she does because she loves me and wants what is best for me. My question is this - why did she kill herself then? She MUST have known that it would be the worst thing she could do for me - or more realisticly TO me.

 

I know she hurt inside sometimes and I know she was down and didn't feel like she had anything to look forward to, but I still NEED her. I love her - even when I don't always show it. I need her to argue with me and to sometimes let me make a mistake and then say "I told you so" when my choice didn't pan out. And right after the I told you so I know that she still loves me and will be there for me. Or at least she used to be there for me.

 

I'm heading into adulthood and I will need her more than ever - even when it seems I won't. I want my independence, but without her as my anchor how will I guide my life? My dad is great - but he's not MOM. How could she do this? What did I do or not do right? How am I going to trust anyone again? She was my strength because I saw her pull herself up even when faced with bitter heartbreak and disappointment. When I'm married and have my own children and they ask me where their other grandma is - what do I tell them? How will I hide the devastation that will come out to haunt me the rest of my life?

 

I want to help her, but I don't know how -- I'm only 16. I'm going to be spending some years in counseling now. Why didn't she pick up the phone and call a crisis center? That's what they tell us to do in school, certainly an adult - a PARENT would know to do this? How can I ever realize my own value as a person when my mother could't realize hers? Now I have to leave my home and, no matter what kind of house or family my dad has - its not going to really be my home - this will be. This is where I was loved by my mother. This is where she taught me right from wrong. This is where we argued and tested each other. It's not this building that makes it home - it's MOM. I'm mad at her and I'm mad at me for BEING mad at her and it just plain hurts worse than anything I've known.

 

Death is not the answer - not now. She's not even that old and she made herself imagine the worst things that could happen in order to justify this - but she didn't know what the future would hold for her. Hasn't she said that to me before? I wish I had called a crisis hot line myself - for her. I wish she would have done that. The future could be bright - but it doesn't seem that way to me now. If suicide was right for mom - maybe it is for me too.

 

Suicide Hot Lines: 1-800-SUICIDE / 1-800-784-2433. 1-800-273-TALK / 1-800-273-8255.

[Outcast]

Two of my friends had parents who died - one by suicide - when they were both older than your son. They NEVER got over it. NEVER. And they're past 30 now. Your son may 'understand' but it will never, ever, EVER take the pain away.

 

You are depressed. Depression is a liar and a deceiver. It gave you the whole script you wrote today - how you'll never be loved, etc. That's it's job. It draws a black hood over your eyes so you can't see any sun or happiness now or ever in your future. It makes you think that precious you is disposable.

 

You are NOT!!! It's just that Depression wants you to believe it.

 

The good news is that Depression is just a bunch of your body's chemicals that have gotten screwed up. It thinks it's a big bully, but science has uncovered its sneaky little secret. And you can beat it! You can make it run and hide and cower like the snivelling little coward it is.

 

How dare it make somebody's mother think of absenting herself from that boy's life forever!!!!! How could he marry happily, knowing there's someone missing from the congregation?? How can he celebrate the birth of any child without his own mom beside him to smile on the new life, too?

 

You will break that boy's heart.

 

Oh. And two of the brothers of the person I know whose mother committed suicide both killed themselves. Before they were 30.

 

NOBODY gets over losing their mother by suicide. Ever.

 

So please do not do this for that boy's sake. Go to a doctor, get the meds, and beat Depression back down into the little hole where it belongs.

 

Check http://www.metanoia.org if you don't want to call a hotline.

 

I beg you, for your son's sake, do not go.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

Have you been to one? I have been to 5 of them. (i'm not ashamed of that anymore, not matter what you guys may think of me.)

 

Yes, I went to one where they tricked me that it was going to be a resting place (like club-med), full of peace yadda yadda, where they locked me up and gave me electric shocks. I'm scared to death of those places.

 

We did crafts, movies, 1:1 therapy, group therapy, free time, educational seminars about depression, coping, and other topics, and one place I went swimming and played tennis every single day. We even did a confidence course where I got to propel across a metal wire as high as a telephone line.

 

Yeah, that one you went didn't sound so bad. But still, not a place I want to be in.

 

Thanks again,

 

Ariadne

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[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

Sometimes in our rougher moments, its hard to see our light from a distance. We may look upon ourselves and what we have as nothing more than a candle, but for so many, we burn brighter than stars.

 

Thanks for your words.

 

Maybe this is just another night of the soul or some. It sure seems like it's never going to end but maybe I just have to hang in there.

 

Ariadne

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[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

Hi. I'm 16... . My question is this - why did she kill herself then? She MUST have known that it would be the worst thing she could do for me

 

Awww... I'm so sorry.

 

This by far was the most touching post to me. You made me cry a river.

 

Thank you sweetie,

 

Ariadne

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[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

You will break that boy's heart.

 

Oh. And two of the brothers of the person I know whose mother committed suicide both killed themselves. Before they were 30.

 

NOBODY gets over losing their mother by suicide. Ever.

 

Thanks.

 

I guess I just have to think of my son.

 

I was trying to justify myself that he'd have a better life with his father, but he is very bonded to me and I guess you are right. Living in the fancy house with the father and the half-brother may not cut it.

 

Ariadne

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[HopefulOne]

Don't guess he needs you, he does need you.... Material things mean nothing, a parent's love cannot be replaced nor can they. Stay strong, stay focused, it will get better, if you should need someone to talk to, please let me know, I will give you my number.

[fireflywy]

Hi,

 

Sometimes in our rougher moments, its hard to see our light from a distance. We may look upon ourselves and what we have as nothing more than a candle, but for so many, we burn brighter than stars.

 

Thanks for your words.

 

Maybe this is just another night of the soul or some. It sure seems like it's never going to end but maybe I just have to hang in there.

 

Ariadne

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This may sound dumb, but do you remember that letter I wrote to my ex a while back? The one that was such a release for me? I'll be honest, you were one of the posters I listened to. Out of everyone here who was preaching NC, you were the one who said "Well Done."

 

You also said one other thing....

 

"Well,

 

The "truth" is...

 

That nobody knows what's going to happen in the future.

 

Ariadne

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This is just a rough spot. You don't know what the future holds. The only way to find out is to move beyond the past, live for yourself in the present, and be there for the future to unfold tommorrow. There are so many brighter days that await all of us. There are brighter days ahead for you too.

 

Be there to experience and share them. We'd all love to hear about them and share them with you too.

[Sup]

Hi,

 

Hell is a LOT WORSE than ANY bad life, DON'T kill yourself, do you go to a church?

 

No, I belive in reincarnation of some sort. And I don't go to any church. I'm more into Zen and that type of spiritual stuff.

 

in the mean time just enjoy the freedom of being single, no responsibilities, etc.

 

Sigh... yeah, I've been going to the gym, the park, seeing the ducks, the beach, etc etc... but nothing changes that life sucks.

 

Ariadne

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It is written in Gods word: It is appointed unto man to die once, and then the judgement. But still even if you don't believe, are you willing to take that kind of eternal risk? People who end up there NEVER get out of it. If I were you I would at least look much more into what you are saying about hurting yourself, like consequences for that action, and I'm NOT being judgemental, just stating fact.

[Mollyanna]

We all have an impact in this life whether we are aware of it or not. I can think of at least 5 children who wouldn't have born if I hadn't directly introduced their parents to each other. I can think of some people happy in their careers because of suggestions I made. I can think of countless tears NOT shed because I was there for my friends when they needed me. Think about the choices you have made in life and they are not ALL bad.

 

You have such an impact on all of us here at LS that we are better off for having known you. Imagine what the rest of the world will gain! Even a smile from you on the street could make someone else's day so much that they don't take out their anger on their family at home and a child does not cry himself to sleep.

 

Yes, I love the Butterfly Effect. I think of it constantly. We all have a destiny here.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

Thank you guys for all the support.

 

I sure didn't expect all this.

 

Ariadne

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

your son will go from extreme sadness to intense anger (and back and forth between the two.) ---for many, many years. And when he has kids I think his emotions will kick into high gear. He'll never, ever get over this.

 

Thanks.

 

I just asked him, what would you do if mom suicides?

 

He said, don't say things like that, I'd be very very depressed... and looked at me scared.

 

And I don't think you want to put him through that.

 

I guess I'll have to put this off or to the back of my mind,

 

Ariadne

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[amaysngrace]

 

He said, don't say things like that, I'd be very very depressed... and looked at me scared.

 

 

I think if one of my parents killed themselves when I was sixteen, I'd view it as

"I wasn't worth hanging around for".

 

Even if you decide to put it in the back of your head for now, you should still call the hotline Hokey gave you. They may be able to help you with meeting a counselor. And like Lindya said, you may qualify for some programs to help make your life a little less stressful right now.

 

I'm glad you changed your mind. And I hope you feel better soon.

[Outcast]

If ever the urge comes back, remember the look in your boy's eyes when you suggested it to him. No fine house or new things can make up for the absence of a mom.

 

You can always come to LS for help if you need to vent or to ask for support, but I hope you do call one of the lines and talk to someone, too.

 

Take care!

[MrPot]

My advice: get a job for a few months, save up some money, move out of LA. Certain parts of that city are complete, soulless ****holes. Move to a more rural area. Being a loner, you should love the scenery.

[Guest]

I am so sorry that you are feeling so downl. I have felt this same way over the past year. But the one thing that keeps me here is my kids. I couldn't do that to them. My sister-in-law committed suicide 2 years ago and it breaks my heart to see what it did to her son - he was 18 at the time. The damage that you would do to your son would be with him his whole lifetime. Please find someone to talk to. As bad as life gets at times, killing yourself is not the answer. I have ups and downs all the time and figure if not for the downs, I would not have the ups. I have had a very rough year and have finally started seeing a counsellor. It helps to have someone to talk to. For now focus on your son and know that things will get better. Take care.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

And like Lindya said, you may qualify for some programs to help make your life a little less stressful right now.

 

I feel kind of silly about this thread this morning.

 

Anyway, I guess I am stressed about my life situation too. I feel like I don't know what to do or where to start. I feel alone.

 

Going back to the working force can also be scary, especially after being fired and not working for so long.

 

Thanks,

 

Ariadne

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