blind_otter Posted August 10, 2006 Share Posted August 10, 2006 maybe you should contemplate a career change? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ariadne Posted August 10, 2006 Author Share Posted August 10, 2006 Hi, You can always come to LS for help if you need to vent or to ask for support, but I hope you do call one of the lines and talk to someone, too. You guys have been amazing. I sure didn't expect this much support. I appreciate it. I'm feeling calmer this morning and even thinking that going back to work might not be "such" an ugly scary thing after all. Ariadne __________________ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ariadne Posted August 10, 2006 Author Share Posted August 10, 2006 Hey, My advice: get a job for a few months, save up some money, move out of LA. Certain parts of that city are complete, soulless ****holes. Move to a more rural area. Being a loner, you should love the scenery. This is another crazy idea of mine. I'd like to live in the forest in a hut. Kind of like the unibomber. And eat berries and stuff. Even with the money that I have left I could buy some shack in my country of origin (in So Am) but the problem is that my son doesn't want to move anywhere. He wants to live here in LA where his friends are, and I have to respect that. His roots are here sort of. I'm not too crazy about LA either, Ariadne __________________ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ariadne Posted August 10, 2006 Author Share Posted August 10, 2006 Hi, I am so sorry that you are feeling so down. I have felt this same way over the past year. But the one thing that keeps me here is my kids. I couldn't do that to them. I don't know if I'm feeling down or what. I'd even say that I feel happy. Is just that I don't know what to do. I'm kind of lost and I can't think of reasons for existing. Other than being there for my son. My sister-in-law committed suicide 2 years ago and it breaks my heart to see what it did to her son - he was 18 at the time. I'm so sorry. For now focus on your son and know that things will get better. Take care. Thank you so much for your words, Ariadne __________________ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ariadne Posted August 10, 2006 Author Share Posted August 10, 2006 Hey, maybe you should contemplate a career change? I though about that quite a lot, but I don't have too many interests. I'm not interested in anything. Can you believe that? Ariadne __________________ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted August 10, 2006 Share Posted August 10, 2006 Hey, maybe you should contemplate a career change? I though about that quite a lot, but I don't have too many interests. I'm not interested in anything. Can you believe that? Ariadne __________________ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ Yes, I can believe that. You are depressed. You lose interst in everything when you are depressed. I've been there. IMO depression is an essentially selfish emotion. It tricks you into focusing solely on your suffering. There are seeds within all of us. Seeds of anger, depression, sadness, grief. There are also seeds of happiness and compassion. Many times because of life we learn to water only the negative seeds within us, and it's hard to practice watering the good parts as well. It takes a lot more effort when the negative seeds are all overgrown, from being watered by us or by others around us. But as Renoir said, the pain passes, and the beauty remains. Find that for yourself. You have to seek it out like that is your life's quest. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ariadne Posted August 10, 2006 Author Share Posted August 10, 2006 Hi, You are depressed. You lose interst in everything when you are depressed. I don't know. All my life I was not interested in anything. I guess love has been my life-long interest if anything. But say people like hiking, model-airplanes, pharmacy, dancing lessons, sports, I don't care for any of that. I find that boring and a pest. (?) Edit: I'd like to play the piano, yeah, that'd be cool Ariadne Link to post Share on other sites
KittenMoon Posted August 10, 2006 Share Posted August 10, 2006 Hi, You are depressed. You lose interst in everything when you are depressed. I don't know. All my life I was not interested in anything. I guess love has been my life-long interest if anything. But say people like hiking, model-airplanes, pharmacy, dancing lessons, sports, I don't care for any of that. I find that boring and a pest. (?) Edit: I'd like to play the piano, yeah, that'd be cool Ariadne Learn to play the piano and get a job playing in a dept store. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ariadne Posted August 10, 2006 Author Share Posted August 10, 2006 Hey, Learn to play the piano and get a job playing in a dept store. Hahaha (But then I'd get nervous I'll forget the piece or some... lol nevermind ) Ariadne __________________ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ Link to post Share on other sites
bluetuesday Posted August 10, 2006 Share Posted August 10, 2006 i was asleep when you posted all this so i kind of missed it but in addition to all the advice you've been given here, i want to say this: when you talk about love, you seem to be talking about romantic love. and you seem to be talking about the love you GET, not the love you GIVE. that's just an observation. you seem to want someone to love you. you seem to think that would make your life happy and worth living. yet happiness is not about what happens to you. it is about how you react to what happens to you. true love is not about what you get from a person. it is what you give to that person. as blind_otter said, the capacity to love is within you - it doesn't arrive with the right man. you have a son who needs you to love him. it would be the worst thing you could ever do to him, to leave him. but more than that, it is not enough for you to put aside the feelings you now have with the aim of thinking about suicide when he is older, as you seem to be implying you will do. you need to overcome the desire to end your life. support and help can get you there. please take it. there's lots available. since you believe in reincarnation, let me add this. a belief in reincarnation tells me you think you have a soul that survives the death of the body and that can be reborn in another body. what you believe happens to be true. and so you will also realise that killing the body will not overcome the feelings you have, since those feelings don't reside in your physical body. killing your body will do nothing to take those feelings away. all you will do is take those feelings with you. physical death is not an end to consciousness. therefore death of the body is not a way out of the problems you now have. it is a way out of your physical circumstances but in truth, it is NOT the circumstances that have caused this state of depression. it is the way you have reacted to those circumstances. and the state of consciousness which has led to that reaction will stay with you when you die and you will reincarnate with the same state of consciousness and have to face your problems all over again. the ONLY way out of this cycle is to overcome the state of mind that has led you to this place - to overcome the desire for suicide because you realise that suicide is not a way out. you have a choice, ariadne. you can seek help, you can seek to focus on the love you have to give, you can focus on loving your son and being there for him... or you can be selfish. you can go through with suicide and then have to face the same problems in your next life because you have not faced and overcome the level of consciousness that caused them in this one. and as an aside, your organs would probably be useless. organs for transplant need optimally to be taken from a body that is technically still alive - albeit brain dead - to be much use. hospitals prefer to transplant organs immediately from the donor body on life support, to the host, giving little or no time for necrosis to set in. it IS possible for an organ to be placed on ice and transported but this has to be done immediately after death to keep the organ in a fresh enough state to be useful. i'm afraid if they found your body on the washroom floor this wouldn't be the case. good luck, ariadne. you face some tough choices. just know they ARE choices. there is never only one course of action. suicide is never your only option. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted August 10, 2006 Share Posted August 10, 2006 Yes, I can believe that. You are depressed. You lose interst in everything when you are depressed. I've been there. IMO depression is an essentially selfish emotion. It tricks you into focusing solely on your suffering. There are seeds within all of us. Seeds of anger, depression, sadness, grief. There are also seeds of happiness and compassion. Many times because of life we learn to water only the negative seeds within us, and it's hard to practice watering the good parts as well. It takes a lot more effort when the negative seeds are all overgrown, from being watered by us or by others around us. But as Renoir said, the pain passes, and the beauty remains. Find that for yourself. You have to seek it out like that is your life's quest. Wow...this is beautiful! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ariadne Posted August 10, 2006 Author Share Posted August 10, 2006 Wow, Such a long post to me, I feel honored. yet happiness is not about what happens to you. it is about how you react to what happens to you. Yeah, I guess so. But what if you don't know what to do with your life? I've been happy trying to figure that out, just that now I'm running out of money. Plus I lost my love which doesn't help much. you have a son who needs you to love him. it would be the worst thing you could ever do to him, to leave him. Yeah, I got that point already. I have a wonderful relationship with him actually and we get along great. physical death is not an end to consciousness. therefore death of the body is not a way out of the problems you now have. That another concern. I was wondering how it would affect a soul to depart like that. But I'm not thinking about it so much today, thanks for the thoughs, Ariadne __________________ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ Link to post Share on other sites
Chinook Posted August 10, 2006 Share Posted August 10, 2006 Ariadne, I was very upset to see this today. I think, in writing this post may come across as harsh, it is not meant to be like that. I have been through many things in my life. Many, many bad things. Things which no 36 year old should have to HAVE packed into one life time which is hardly done with. Rape, molestation, physical violence following a spouse's alcohol abuse, divorce, deaths of several family members, divorce of parents, cancer, loss of a 10 year relationship, miscarriage of my first child, possible reoccurrence of cancer at some point, depression, anxiety. On and On and On the list goes. You know which physical person was there to support me through EVERYTHING I ever went through...? My mother. When I had cancer, she stood in front of the Oncologist and REFUSED to allow him to admit me to hospital because she knew that my immune system and white cells were SO BADLY DAMAGED by the chemotherapy that I would die in there from a hospital acquired infection. She sat by my side day in and day out for 6 months. She stroked my bald head when I was tired and couldn't even lift my head from the pillow. She held me straight as I was bent like an old lady trying to go to the bathroom. She cleaned up my vomit and wiped away my tears. She gave me my pain killers, she dressed the radiation burns which ravaged my body, she helped me bathe and dress every single day I was ill. Not my Dad. My Mom ...and I have to be honest, I'm not especially close to her at all. I am one child of four... but she has ALWAYS WITHOUT FAIL been there for me and I have no doubt that I would have died without her to care for me and protect me when I could not do so for myself. Ariadne, what if your son needs you at some point in the future..? What if something as dire as what has happened to you in your life befalls him...? Who will he have to turn to..? Yes his Dad loves him and yes, he loves his Dad but as Hokey says... sometimes, there is no substitute for Mom. Please don't do this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ariadne Posted August 10, 2006 Author Share Posted August 10, 2006 I'm out of words... Thank you so much, Ariadne __________________ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ Link to post Share on other sites
Chinook Posted August 10, 2006 Share Posted August 10, 2006 I'm out of words... Thank you so much I know. You are welcome. I cannot post on this thread again... that post cost me alot to write and it is painful to recall those things. But if it helped, it was worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ariadne Posted August 10, 2006 Author Share Posted August 10, 2006 Hi that post cost me alot to write and it is painful to recall those things. But if it helped, it was worth it. Aww... {{{Chinook}}} Of course it did. You guys have been so wonderful! Ariadne __________________ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ Link to post Share on other sites
pricillia Posted August 10, 2006 Share Posted August 10, 2006 Hi, Are you despondent because you don't have a job or because you are feeling lonely and don't have anyone in your life? I don't have a job, I'm out of money, I don't want to work, work is slavery, I have no family and no friends since my family lives in another country and I am not the friend type. Friends basically bore me after five minutes, I'm the loner type. Are you feeling down because your ex-husband has moved on and you feel you are stagnating? My ex husband and I divorced 13 years ago (I'm 38) and the reason I mentioned him is because he'd be able to provide my son with a better life than I can, since he has a nice family, home etc. Plus the half-brother that my son loves. Thanks, Ariadne __________________ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ Hi I think that you should try as hard as it may be to change your attitude towards life. Friends and Family make it so much more bearable. You can't be by yourself all of the time. I know that you said that you are a loner but you have to allow some people in. As far as working well that is just one of the things that you need to do to make money. It is not slavery if it is something that you like to do. There are great things that happen everyday. It may take some time to build a support system for yourself but if you are there for others they will be there for you as well. You have your son and yourslelf to care for and if your family is far away then maybe you should be closer to them. One can not live without any support or friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ariadne Posted August 10, 2006 Author Share Posted August 10, 2006 Hi, You can't be by yourself all of the time. I know that you said that you are a loner but you have to allow some people in. Well, I guess not working has isolated me more from people, because then I used to have a few friends or comrades at the workplace. Now I also have this fwb guy that is really nice to me, but to be cynical about it, it is kind of like that volleyball Tom Hanks had in the Castaway movie. As far as working well that is just one of the things that you need to do to make money. It is not slavery if it is something that you like to do. I know, I know. I was just looking up to be a Zen monk online, but I don't know if that is an actual job or what. Either that or cross my fingers someone would want me as a programmer. You have your son and yourself to care for and if your family is far away then maybe you should be closer to them. One can not live without any support or friends. Well, I talk to my mom on the phone very often. That I do. Is just that she gets mad about my romantic problems, so that limits what I can talk to her a bit. Thanks, Ariadne __________________ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ Link to post Share on other sites
pricillia Posted August 10, 2006 Share Posted August 10, 2006 Well you are definately alone in this at all, just reach out to people like you are doing now. All of us have things that they would like to improve and there is someone always worse off then we are. Please don't give up and go through with your plan to end it all. Link to post Share on other sites
climbergirl Posted August 10, 2006 Share Posted August 10, 2006 Wow...this is beautiful! I agree. Excellent post. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ariadne Posted August 11, 2006 Author Share Posted August 11, 2006 Well! I made an appt with a therapist. Finally. For next Thursday at a Community Clinic (for 15 dollars a session since I don't have medical insurance). It was hard because I really didn't want to go that road, and I'm very skeptical. But, I don't see what other choices I have. Is like I know that I have to take charge of my life, but I'm like paralized. I don't know why, and I've been like this for a while. So we'll see what she has to say, I'll keep you posted on any progress. Ariadne __________________ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ Link to post Share on other sites
climbergirl Posted August 11, 2006 Share Posted August 11, 2006 Well! I made an appt with a therapist. Finally. For next Thursday at a Community Clinic (for 15 dollars a session since I don't have medical insurance). It was hard because I really didn't want to go that road, and I'm very skeptical. But, I don't see what other choices I have. Is like I know that I have to take charge of my life, but I'm like paralized. I don't know why, and I've been like this for a while. So we'll see what she has to say, I'll keep you posted on any progress. Ariadne __________________ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ I am so glad to read this!! It's definately a step forward that many don't take. I wish you the best. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ariadne Posted August 11, 2006 Author Share Posted August 11, 2006 Thank you! Ariadne __________________ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ Link to post Share on other sites
fireflywy Posted August 11, 2006 Share Posted August 11, 2006 You go Adriane!!! Keep us informed! Link to post Share on other sites
Sand&Water Posted August 11, 2006 Share Posted August 11, 2006 Well! I made an appt with a therapist. Finally. For next Thursday at a Community Clinic (for 15 dollars a session since I don't have medical insurance). It was hard because I really didn't want to go that road, and I'm very skeptical. But, I don't see what other choices I have. Is like I know that I have to take charge of my life, but I'm like paralized. I don't know why, and I've been like this for a while. So we'll see what she has to say, I'll keep you posted on any progress. Ariadne __________________ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ I'm so thrilled to hear the good news, Ariadne. I know exactly how you feel about feeling paralized. I hope your first session goes well. Link to post Share on other sites
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