The physical attraction is gone

[michaelk]

My question, in brief, is what can/should a married man do when he no longer finds his wife physically attractive?

 

I've been married for 12 years, and we've been together for 18. My wife was never a great beauty by conventional definitions, but I thought she was pretty - at least, she was attractive to me. As we got older and both started gaining weight, it didn't really affect my desire for her. We're in our 40's now, we have two kids, and we're both in poor shape. The only time this becomes an issue is when it comes to sex.

 

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not pointing fingers or placing blame. I fully admit that I don't look so good anymore myself. And it's very possible that she doesn't find me terribly attractive either - although she says she does. But that's beside the point.

 

It's just that I don't know what to do. It's gotten to the point where on those few occasions when we can get time away from the kids, I find that I have difficulty getting aroused.

 

I'm open to any suggestions. Well, except for the possibility of becoming celibate. (The idea that sex shouldn't be important to our marriage is not an acceptable point of view, for me.)

[Ladyjane14]

Is it possible that you're having a medical problem in conjuction with the 'visual' one?

[michaelk]

Is it possible that you're having a medical problem in conjuction with the 'visual' one?

 

 

Hmmm... I'm not sure. I don't think so. I don't have a problem masturbating. On the other hand, I was just diagnosed with hypertension. Maybe that is a factor?

[Ladyjane14]

HTN can definitely be a factor. You might want to talk to your doctor about it.

 

Not all cases of ED result in the inability to reach erection or completion. Masturbation stacks the deck in your favor. You don't have to depend on stimulation from uncontrolled sources.

 

You and your wife might both want to take a proactive approach to getting in shape, for the benefit of your health as well as your sex life. So, you might want to talk to your doctor about that as well.

[burning 4 revenge]

HTN can definitely be a factor. You might want to talk to your doctor about it.

 

Not all cases of ED result in the inability to reach erection or completion. Masturbation stacks the deck in your favor. You don't have to depend on stimulation from uncontrolled sources.

 

You and your wife might both want to take a proactive approach to getting in shape, for the benefit of your health as well as your sex life. So, you might want to talk to your doctor about that as well.

Yeah, I second what Ladyjane says. I have physician diagnosed ED and I have no problem masturbating, but I do lose it without vigorous stimulation i.e. hand, or mouth. I almost always lose it during penetration if I don't take cialis.

 

The gold standard for diagnosing ED is called the doppler ultrasound. It will measure the amount of blood coming into the penis and your ability to keep it there.

 

I would consult a urologist and ask for the penis doppler. He will then be in a position to give you excellent advice.

 

Mark

[michaelk]

Great! Thank you for the suggestions. I never thought there might be a medical component to this but if there is, I certainly want to fix that. It can't help but make things better.

 

Of course, there's still the issue of the 'visual' problem, as LadyJane called it. I mean, I never had to resort to mental visualization during sex before, but now... I feel sad and even guilty having to resort to that kind of thing.

[Outcast]

How is your relationship? Do you feel as close to her as you used to? If not, why not?

[burning 4 revenge]

How is your relationship? Do you feel as close to her as you used to? If not, why not?

Did'nt he say she gained a lot of weight?

[michaelk]

Outcast, I would say no our relationship is not as close as it once was. We've got a lot of responsibilities these days, and often don't find the time to talk for more than a few minutes during the course of a day. We've got two young children, and they take up most of her time. I work a fair distance from home, and often long hours. It's not ideal, from a relationship standpoint.

 

Burning, I did say that she had gained a lot of weight, but I also pointed out that for a long time this didn't bother me. Aging, childbirth, and years of being overweight all take their toll, though.

 

One other comment. On the issue of ED and hypertension which was raised earlier, I've been doing some reading and the drug my doctor prescribed (an ace inhibitor) is supposed to lower blood pressure without itself causing ED. (Apparently this was a problem with other hypertension pills, that they would solve the blood pressure problem but not the ED.) So let's see what happens once I've been on the drug for a while. That alone might answer the ED question one way or the other.

[whichwayisup]

Why not take this as an opportunity to make time for eachother. Not sure how little your kids are, but get the grandparents involved. Get them over for a sleepover or something, so you and your wife can go out and have fun. Dinner, shoot some pool or see a movie. Reconnect again. It's really important for a husband and wife to keep the flame going ...

 

Bring her home flowers, or something nice. I think if you start doing that, she will feel good, which will make you feel good.

 

Start cuddling and kissing her. Get intimate too, without having sex. I'm sure she's tired too, so that bit of extra attention will help both of you as well.

[michaelk]

Why not take this as an opportunity to make time for eachother. Not sure how little your kids are, but get the grandparents involved. Get them over for a sleepover or something, so you and your wife can go out and have fun. Dinner, shoot some pool or see a movie. Reconnect again. It's really important for a husband and wife to keep the flame going ...

 

Bring her home flowers, or something nice. I think if you start doing that, she will feel good, which will make you feel good.

 

Start cuddling and kissing her. Get intimate too, without having sex. I'm sure she's tired too, so that bit of extra attention will help both of you as well.

 

I think that all of these are great suggestions for the relationship. But I also think (without trying to be sexist) that this is a very feminine perspective on the attraction/arousal issue I originally raised. I understand that for most women, attraction is based largely on the emotional bond they have with a man, and not so much on looks. For men it seems to be reversed. The 'visual' is more important, and the emotional bond is a lesser (but still important) component.

 

So the dilemma I find myself with is that even if our relationship were in better shape than it is, I suspect I would still find myself less physically attracted to my wife than I once was.

 

Any guys out there have any insights based on what happened in their own marriages when faced with this issue?

[burning 4 revenge]

I understand that for most women, attraction is based largely on the emotional bond they have with a man, and not so much on looks.

:lmao::lmao::lmao:

[StayClose]

Is it really just about looks for men?

 

How much of it has to do with the way a woman ACTS? in bed?

 

After years of marraige, sex can get routime and boring. If she was more aggressive and willing to do things she did when you first hooked up - oral, different positions, different rooms, etc, do you think you might respond better?

[michaelk]

Is it really just about looks for men?

 

No, it's not. As I said, the visual aspect is "more important". Not the only factor.

 

How much of it has to do with the way a woman ACTS? in bed?

 

After years of marraige, sex can get routime and boring. If she was more aggressive and willing to do things she did when you first hooked up - oral, different positions, different rooms, etc, do you think you might respond better?

Yes, of course you're right. It's appealing for a woman to be sexually open. And not just that, but to enjoy doing different things. I myself have never found it sexy to have my wife do something just because I want it. Her enthusaism and enjoyment is an important part of mine.

 

But back to your point, we definitely don't do all the things we once did. And my wife's never been really adventurous anyway. So now it's pretty plain vanilla and repetitive. She just doesn't seem to have the energy/interest in doing anything else these days.