Move in with him??

[Guest]

Hi All... Thanks so much in advance for taking the time to plow through my story and think about it!!

 

Adam and I have been dating for nearly three years now. We met in NYC in a little cafe not too far from my little apt., and we hit it off. He approached me and we spent the next few hours together, just talking. One thing led to another, and we are now in a serious relationship. He is an angel. He is very English, and thus calm about things. I am more Eastern European, and thus...well...not so calm. We complement each other extremely well. Not to sound too corny, but...we understand each other...I love him nearly more than I love myself. He is my soul mate....and I know I am his. Aside from being in a love relationship, he is also a really good friend. My best friend. About six months into the relationship, we found out that a company in Dallas was really willing to hire him. He is a very talented scientist, and one invention really attracted the company. In a nutshell...the offer they were making him was just not refusable...and I did NOT want him to refuse it for us. I mean, yes, we really hit it off...but six months into was just not serious enough to give up an offer like that. So...ten months into our relationship, he moved to Dallas. This was two years ago.

 

While not 100% certain, we did agree to try and make it work. I was a full time student, and thus not too stellar with the money, but he was always extremely understanding and somehow we made it work so we could see each other every three weeks or so. And I must admit, this whole long distance thing has actually brought us together. We had to work through some issues very hard...His mother is not too happy about us...never was about any of his relationships. My parents are not too fond of me in a relationship while in gradschool...So there are definitely problems that keep us grounded.

 

So I am now done with school and all that, and I am not sure as to where to go. I am 24...and I have the opportunity to go anywhere I'd like. There's one catch, however...and that's my folks. We immigrated to the US nine years ago, and I am very close to them...aka...a move to the South would not make them happy. Adam wants me to move down to Dallas to be with him while we figure out where we will be situated for good...We are serious about starting a family and a future together. He knows I am not fond of the Dallas area, so while his contract with the company is running out, I could definitely be with him.

 

I told my parents about the plans, and things have been tough ever since. They do not want me to go...and they are afraid of their daughter moving for another man...They think it is a blow to my ego...and that I am sacrificing a lot for the guy that initially left me to follow his dreams. That is a good point, but I am just not sure what to do.

 

Adam is a gem, and I know he will understand either way...but I'd like to spend time with him, while at the same time...not upset my family too much.

 

Any thoughts? Thanks so much!!

[allina]

I think that if it will make you happy and you can see a future with him you should at least strongly consider moving. If you do just make sure you aren't in a position where you give up everything you have for him, moving far from home with nothing and being completely dependant on your SO can be very damaging for a relationship. I can relate to how your family is feeling, my Eastern European family would react the same way, and state that HE should be the one that comes to ME, but family doesn't always know what's best.

[Volverte_a_ver]

Personally, I would move in with him. From what you've said, you seem to be making a level-headed decision about this and not just rushing into things. Most parents these days don't want their daughter to follow a man, because of the way things can turn out. But sounds like you already have your education, and you are going to ultimately live somewhere you both agree on... sounds to me like things are pretty well worked out.

 

I guess the thing you have to consider is,worst-case scenarios: which would you rather. It fail with Adam and have to go back and admit defeat to your family, or being apart from Adam while appeasing your family?

 

Personally, I would choose the first option.. but it really matters what's important to YOU.

 

Good luck & hope everything works out!

[norajane]

If you can find a job in Dallas, then consider moving. Do not move in with him, however. You'd end up being dependent on him too much, especially with no friends and no life of your own down there yet. You haven't been in the same place for a long time, so it might be worth getting your own place and then moving in with him later depending on how things go. Besides, there's nothing like being around for every burp and fart to kill the romance in a relationship.

[Guest]

Thank you all so much for replying.

 

I am still very undecided as to what to do. While talking to him about it a few days ago, he said something that really pushed me away and somehow made another point very clear to me.

 

I was told to "think very hard about what I want and what I am willing to pay for it." I feel like he was not supposed to say that. While it is implied that I am sacrificing a good relationship with my parents, he should not throw it in my face like that.

 

Also, I feel like, unlike myself, he would not be losing anything by my move, and how am I supposed to know that he would ever do the same for me... especially after he left to pursue his dream in the first place.

 

Thanks so much.

[sao2]

I think you should consider how much this would really damage your

relationship with your parents. In my experience parents are often

more understanding then they get credit for.

 

I really don't think the issue is your parents, excuse me for being harsh, but I think the issue is with Dallas. You have already stated your feelings about Dallas

 

As for following dreams, yes he did leave to follow his dreams, but like you said, that was 6 months into the relationship. If you had a path to follow I would say you should follow it, but there comes a time when people have to give the relationship priority.

 

On the other hand, I don't think he should just be asking you to move across the country for him without a commitment. In my humble opinion that sort of life-changing decision should only be done for someone that you are married to. It would be different if there was something else for you in Dallas, but there isn't.

[norajane]

Also, I feel like, unlike myself, he would not be losing anything by my move, and how am I supposed to know that he would ever do the same for me... especially after he left to pursue his dream in the first place.

 

Thanks so much.

 

How long does he have left on his contract? If it's only another year or so, it might be best to stay in NYC where you do have your family, friends, and an apartment. Once you find a job, you'll have money to visit him, and, of course, he can visit you as well. You're young...it won't be the worst thing in the world to spend another year apart if you can see each other more frequently. And then, he can move back to NYC to be with you. Lots of jobs in NY.

 

But then, I loathe Dallas, so take my advice with a grain of salt.

[brightskies]

How long does he have left on his contract? If it's only another year or so, it might be best to stay in NYC where you do have your family, friends, and an apartment. Once you find a job, you'll have money to visit him, and, of course, he can visit you as well. You're young...it won't be the worst thing in the world to spend another year apart if you can see each other more frequently. And then, he can move back to NYC to be with you. Lots of jobs in NY.

 

But then, I loathe Dallas, so take my advice with a grain of salt.

 

NoraJ,

Dallas can't be half as bad as Houston. If anyone here's from Houston, sorry. But I did live there for a while and let's just say I don't ever want to go back.

 

OP/Guest,

Where is your bf planning to settle after his contract ends? And how much longer will it be? Would he be willing to move back to the northeast area? If the contract is 1 year or less, you might consider staying put in the meantime. If the contract is 1 year or more, it would depend on how serious you both are about the relationship. If you think this is the guy you're going to grow old with, then maybe moving to be near him isn't such a bad idea. But like NoraJ said, don't move in with him and don't move unless you can find a job over there first.

 

As for his comment, "Think about what you want and what you're willing to pay for it," I agree it sounds rather cold, but he simply might've been trying to help you clarify things. He's a scientist. The "extra logical" men that I've dated inadvertently sounded cold sometimes. But if you tell him how his comment affected you he'll probably be more careful about his choice of words.