soap opera finale

[midori]

It's been a while since I've posted anything about the relationship that prompted me to visit this site in the first place. But it's been an astounding month and anyone who wants to be entertained by an outrageous & bizarre tale, read on ...

 

My ex lives overseas, travels a lot & works under frequently dangerous conditions. We'd been together for a year when he moved overseas for work (three years ago), and we had been trying to figure out if there was a future for us. Last Jan. he thought he'd realized he wanted to marry me, but by March had changed his mind again and abruptly broke up with me. He couldn't give me a reason and was very emotional about breaking up with me, eventually insisting that we cease communicating at all because it was so painful for him. I tried to get in touch with him a few times but he rebuffed me throughout the spring & summer. We were in contact for about a week in September but he pulled some very insensitve and rather cruel crap so I cut him off.

 

He had quite a (life-threatening) scare at the end of November, and he & I started communicating again via email. He was very reluctant to own up to the pain he'd caused me in September (he's a tricky guy with a lot of issues and a lot of defense mechanisms, not the least of which is a remarkable ability to view things as is convenient and favorable for him, no matter how warped that view is). He eventually did face up to what he'd done and we put that behind us. He's got tons of people he calls friends but very few real confidants, so we were emailing a lot. I knew I still loved him but was not at all sure he felt the same.

 

He had to come to New York in December and I was going to be there too (used to live there but moved to go to grad school) at the same time to visit my friends. This was the week before xmas. We met up one day and within half an hour he was sobbing on the street as I held him. He was overwhelmed to see me (it had been nine months). He admitted that indeed he did still love me. But was adamant that he didn't want to be in a relationship with me. Could give no reasons. I had a lot to say to him (having had nine months to think about things & try to figure out what the hell was going on), and I said them, most often being met with only a blank stare. E.g. I said, "It was the distance, wasn't it, that made you break up with me? Once I got into the doctoral program and therefore wouldn't be able to join you abroad you couldn't take the distance, and you're not willing to compromise your own career for anything, not even love. So you had to end it with me." No reply, not to confirm or deny. We spent the whole day & night together, and most of the next day. Romantic dinner on him, xmas gifts, wonderful tenderness, passion, the works. He said he hadn't felt so good in a long time. Insisted that he didn't want to hear about my love life since him. In fact his jealousy was so strong that he resisted going to the restaurant I'd suggested because he thought I'd been there before on a date with someone else (not true and only a jealously paranoid mind would have jumped to that conclusion). Rather hypocritical of him since he's been with other people since breaking up with me. But I thought it also indicated that clearly he was still in love with me. Nevertheless as we were parting he still insisted that there could be nothing between us. As ever, he could give no reasons.

 

Barely heard from him over xmas. He was visiting his family in Britain, I was at my parents' place. I emailed him several times, in some of which I expressed my bewilderment at how easily he walked away from his own heart. No reply to that. No happy new year's greeting. Whatever he felt, he was determined to suppress it. Nothing I could do about that ...

 

Yesterday I finally got an email from him. He's back at work and about to head off into danger again. Told me he didn't know what to say about my emails about us. He'd made his mind up in March, and while seeing me in New York was lovely, his feelings hadn't changed. I replied that he'd never told me what those feelings were -- never ever, he'd just left me to guess. He then told me, simply, that he didn't feel strongly enough about me for it to work.

 

Oh. Well. No arguing with that. A lot of his behavior in the past year (the jealousy, the refusal to communicate because it was so painful) seemed to contradict that. But if that's how he feels, there's nothing more for me to say. He said that knowing fully that I still love him immensely, am interested & concerned & supportive of him. No one person in his adult life has given him as much as I have. If that's not enough for him, well obviously there's no point in trying further. And frankly, I realized (and my friends have been telling me for a very long time) he's just not worthy of my love. Which is not to say that he's not deserving of happiness (he is, of course, as are we all). But if he doesn't appreciate and treasure what someone has to give him then he doesn't deserve to have it.

 

So I was pretty reconciled to this, not feeling like there was anything further for me to do except to move on. If in fact the truth is that deep down he really does love me intensely but is so afraid of love that he denies it even to himself, there's nothing I can do about that (he's got a torn-up family & lots of scars where love & relationships are concerned). This is what I was thinking this morning. I was maybe about 75% convinced that I really would move on this time. I'd met a guy last month at a dinner party who emailed me at xmas and we've got plans to get together after my papers are finished next week. I was taking steps butI was afraid that my resolve would waver, that I'd second-guess myself and talk myself into hanging onto my hopes for my ex to finally see the light and embrace his love for me. Cause it seemed pretty obvious that his feelings for me were quite strong, that he was deluding himself still.

 

He emailed me this morning suggesting that, while we both want to keep in touch, we might want to de-escalate the intensity & frequency of our communications. I agreed, and told him that they'd been a bit one-sided since November anyway, all about what was going on in his life and very little about what's going on in mine. He agreed and I thought we were all set: I have papers to write and he has work to do, and we'll slowly fade down to mere friends. And, I was thinking, perhaps eventually fade away entirely. Made me a bit sad, but such things are inevitable.

 

An hour later he emails me to say "I'll give no preamble. I've met someone and I'm serious about her. I didn't

 

tell you in earlier emails because I don't see the two issues - things between you and me and my meeting someone new - as connected. I wanted to clarify, finally, the former before bring up the latter. And I also didn't bring it up partly because I only met her just before Christmas in London , so it's a very new thing. And of course, it might come to nothing. If you want to know more, I'll tell. But I will leave it at this. I'm sure you'll be angry with me."

 

I told him that I wasn't angry actually. I'd lost nothing since I had nothing from him to begin with. He told me more about his new love interest (they've spent at most a couple of days together, they knew each other from high school but hadn't spoken in 14 years until they bumped into each other while he was home. She too works overseas -- in a different part of the world from where my ex is). What a bizarre man. One week he's overcome with emotion at seeing me and the next week he's head over heels about someone he's spent very little time with and will not be seeing much at all. The road between his brain and his heart must be an unpaved, twisting trail that drops off unexpectedly, because communication between the two is clearly not good.

 

After thinking about it I realized that I want nothing more to do with him. He's just too wrapped up in himself, too unstable, too lacking in self-awareness. He's not a good friend to me, he drains my energy and diverts my attention from things that are more important (like my schoolwork!). I realize that he's troubled and I don't even blame him for it. He's had a rough time in many ways. But enough is enough. I told him just that, that I was too tired of his hot-cold contradictions and how it was always about him. He would have accused me of being dreadfully insensitive if I'd told him about the guy from the dinner party. But he tells me about someone he's spent two or three days with -- talk about insensitive. I don't expect him to change and I just want to be left in peace, so I can focus on my stuff without being tormented by an emotionally clueless moron.

 

So there you go. I am, obviously, quite stupid. My ex is, without a doubt, a complete jackass. There are all kinds of lessons & morals to be drawn from this but I will leave that to someone else. I have work to do. 2002 is going to be a great year. I just needed to get rid of some loose threads (a loose screw?) that was carrying over from 2001 and before.

[raven]

Hi Midori,

 

I was pretty overwhelmed reading your story. If you have seen any of my threads, though my situation much more ridiculous, it has some similar elements. I applaud you in your decision to move on, it took 3 heartbreaks for me to finally do it. And your friends are right, hes not worthy of your love, you seem to be a very intelligent, compassionate, GIVING woman who needs the same. This man

 

has been completely selfish. I wish all the happiness in the world to you, and give the local guy a shot, hey, if nothing else, its someone you can pal around with in your own zipcode!

 

Much love,

 

Raven

It's been a while since I've posted anything about the relationship that prompted me to visit this site in the first place. But it's been an astounding month and anyone who wants to be entertained by an outrageous & bizarre tale, read on ...

 

My ex lives overseas, travels a lot & works under frequently dangerous conditions. We'd been together for a year when he moved overseas for work (three years ago), and we had been trying to figure out if there was a future for us. Last Jan. he thought he'd realized he wanted to marry me, but by March had changed his mind again and abruptly broke up with me. He couldn't give me a reason and was very emotional about breaking up with me, eventually insisting that we cease communicating at all because it was so painful for him. I tried to get in touch with him a few times but he rebuffed me throughout the spring & summer. We were in contact for about a week in September but he pulled some very insensitve and rather cruel crap so I cut him off. He had quite a (life-threatening) scare at the end of November, and he & I started communicating again via email. He was very reluctant to own up to the pain he'd caused me in September (he's a tricky guy with a lot of issues and a lot of defense mechanisms, not the least of which is a remarkable ability to view things as is convenient and favorable for him, no matter how warped that view is). He eventually did face up to what he'd done and we put that behind us. He's got tons of people he calls friends but very few real confidants, so we were emailing a lot. I knew I still loved him but was not at all sure he felt the same.

 

He had to come to New York in December and I was going to be there too (used to live there but moved to go to grad school) at the same time to visit my friends. This was the week before xmas. We met up one day and within half an hour he was sobbing on the street as I held him. He was overwhelmed to see me (it had been nine months). He admitted that indeed he did still love me. But was adamant that he didn't want to be in a relationship with me. Could give no reasons. I had a lot to say to him (having had nine months to think about things & try to figure out what the hell was going on), and I said them, most often being met with only a blank stare. E.g. I said, "It was the distance, wasn't it, that made you break up with me? Once I got into the doctoral program and therefore wouldn't be able to join you abroad you couldn't take the distance, and you're not willing to compromise your own career for anything, not even love. So you had to end it with me." No reply, not to confirm or deny. We spent the whole day & night together, and most of the next day. Romantic dinner on him, xmas gifts, wonderful tenderness, passion, the works. He said he hadn't felt so good in a long time. Insisted that he didn't want to hear about my love life since him. In fact his jealousy was so strong that he resisted going to the restaurant I'd suggested because he thought I'd been there before on a date with someone else (not true and only a jealously paranoid mind would have jumped to that conclusion). Rather hypocritical of him since he's been with other people since breaking up with me. But I thought it also indicated that clearly he was still in love with me. Nevertheless as we were parting he still insisted that there could be nothing between us. As ever, he could give no reasons. Barely heard from him over xmas. He was visiting his family in Britain, I was at my parents' place. I emailed him several times, in some of which I expressed my bewilderment at how easily he walked away from his own heart. No reply to that. No happy new year's greeting. Whatever he felt, he was determined to suppress it. Nothing I could do about that ... Yesterday I finally got an email from him. He's back at work and about to head off into danger again. Told me he didn't know what to say about my emails about us. He'd made his mind up in March, and while seeing me in New York was lovely, his feelings hadn't changed. I replied that he'd never told me what those feelings were -- never ever, he'd just left me to guess. He then told me, simply, that he didn't feel strongly enough about me for it to work. Oh. Well. No arguing with that. A lot of his behavior in the past year (the jealousy, the refusal to communicate because it was so painful) seemed to contradict that. But if that's how he feels, there's nothing more for me to say. He said that knowing fully that I still love him immensely, am interested & concerned & supportive of him. No one person in his adult life has given him as much as I have. If that's not enough for him, well obviously there's no point in trying further. And frankly, I realized (and my friends have been telling me for a very long time) he's just not worthy of my love. Which is not to say that he's not deserving of happiness (he is, of course, as are we all). But if he doesn't appreciate and treasure what someone has to give him then he doesn't deserve to have it. So I was pretty reconciled to this, not feeling like there was anything further for me to do except to move on. If in fact the truth is that deep down he really does love me intensely but is so afraid of love that he denies it even to himself, there's nothing I can do about that (he's got a torn-up family & lots of scars where love & relationships are concerned). This is what I was thinking this morning. I was maybe about 75% convinced that I really would move on this time. I'd met a guy last month at a dinner party who emailed me at xmas and we've got plans to get together after my papers are finished next week. I was taking steps butI was afraid that my resolve would waver, that I'd second-guess myself and talk myself into hanging onto my hopes for my ex to finally see the light and embrace his love for me. Cause it seemed pretty obvious that his feelings for me were quite strong, that he was deluding himself still. He emailed me this morning suggesting that, while we both want to keep in touch, we might want to de-escalate the intensity & frequency of our communications. I agreed, and told him that they'd been a bit one-sided since November anyway, all about what was going on in his life and very little about what's going on in mine. He agreed and I thought we were all set: I have papers to write and he has work to do, and we'll slowly fade down to mere friends. And, I was thinking, perhaps eventually fade away entirely. Made me a bit sad, but such things are inevitable. An hour later he emails me to say "I'll give no preamble. I've met someone and I'm serious about her. I didn't tell you in earlier emails because I don't see the two issues - things between you and me and my meeting someone new - as connected. I wanted to clarify, finally, the former before bring up the latter. And I also didn't bring it up partly because I only met her just before Christmas in London , so it's a very new thing. And of course, it might come to nothing. If you want to know more, I'll tell. But I will leave it at this. I'm sure you'll be angry with me." I told him that I wasn't angry actually. I'd lost nothing since I had nothing from him to begin with. He told me more about his new love interest (they've spent at most a couple of days together, they knew each other from high school but hadn't spoken in 14 years until they bumped into each other while he was home. She too works overseas -- in a different part of the world from where my ex is). What a bizarre man. One week he's overcome with emotion at seeing me and the next week he's head over heels about someone he's spent very little time with and will not be seeing much at all. The road between his brain and his heart must be an unpaved, twisting trail that drops off unexpectedly, because communication between the two is clearly not good. After thinking about it I realized that I want nothing more to do with him. He's just too wrapped up in himself, too unstable, too lacking in self-awareness. He's not a good friend to me, he drains my energy and diverts my attention from things that are more important (like my schoolwork!). I realize that he's troubled and I don't even blame him for it. He's had a rough time in many ways. But enough is enough. I told him just that, that I was too tired of his hot-cold contradictions and how it was always about him. He would have accused me of being dreadfully insensitive if I'd told him about the guy from the dinner party. But he tells me about someone he's spent two or three days with -- talk about insensitive. I don't expect him to change and I just want to be left in peace, so I can focus on my stuff without being tormented by an emotionally clueless moron. So there you go. I am, obviously, quite stupid. My ex is, without a doubt, a complete jackass. There are all kinds of lessons & morals to be drawn from this but I will leave that to someone else. I have work to do. 2002 is going to be a great year. I just needed to get rid of some loose threads (a loose screw?) that was carrying over from 2001 and before.

[midori]

Thanks Raven. I've read your postings and they resonated with me, as have some others. That's partly why I posted my story here because part of what has helped me see the way things are is to read about similar situations that didn't involve me directly. Very easy to recognize patterns in someone else's situation, harder to see them in my own.

 

Have a happy new year! I fully intend to.

[Alex]

Hi MIdori,

 

Coming from a Man's point of view, he is a jack ass. So I hope you are doing okay because this is a very hard situation, especially during the holidays which makes it worst. There's plenty of guys out there for you, but make sure you are ready before you get yourself into something serious..take care...Alex

It's been a while since I've posted anything about the relationship that prompted me to visit this site in the first place. But it's been an astounding month and anyone who wants to be entertained by an outrageous & bizarre tale, read on ...

 

My ex lives overseas, travels a lot & works under frequently dangerous conditions. We'd been together for a year when he moved overseas for work (three years ago), and we had been trying to figure out if there was a future for us. Last Jan. he thought he'd realized he wanted to marry me, but by March had changed his mind again and abruptly broke up with me. He couldn't give me a reason and was very emotional about breaking up with me, eventually insisting that we cease communicating at all because it was so painful for him. I tried to get in touch with him a few times but he rebuffed me throughout the spring & summer. We were in contact for about a week in September but he pulled some very insensitve and rather cruel crap so I cut him off. He had quite a (life-threatening) scare at the end of November, and he & I started communicating again via email. He was very reluctant to own up to the pain he'd caused me in September (he's a tricky guy with a lot of issues and a lot of defense mechanisms, not the least of which is a remarkable ability to view things as is convenient and favorable for him, no matter how warped that view is). He eventually did face up to what he'd done and we put that behind us. He's got tons of people he calls friends but very few real confidants, so we were emailing a lot. I knew I still loved him but was not at all sure he felt the same.

 

He had to come to New York in December and I was going to be there too (used to live there but moved to go to grad school) at the same time to visit my friends. This was the week before xmas. We met up one day and within half an hour he was sobbing on the street as I held him. He was overwhelmed to see me (it had been nine months). He admitted that indeed he did still love me. But was adamant that he didn't want to be in a relationship with me. Could give no reasons. I had a lot to say to him (having had nine months to think about things & try to figure out what the hell was going on), and I said them, most often being met with only a blank stare. E.g. I said, "It was the distance, wasn't it, that made you break up with me? Once I got into the doctoral program and therefore wouldn't be able to join you abroad you couldn't take the distance, and you're not willing to compromise your own career for anything, not even love. So you had to end it with me." No reply, not to confirm or deny. We spent the whole day & night together, and most of the next day. Romantic dinner on him, xmas gifts, wonderful tenderness, passion, the works. He said he hadn't felt so good in a long time. Insisted that he didn't want to hear about my love life since him. In fact his jealousy was so strong that he resisted going to the restaurant I'd suggested because he thought I'd been there before on a date with someone else (not true and only a jealously paranoid mind would have jumped to that conclusion). Rather hypocritical of him since he's been with other people since breaking up with me. But I thought it also indicated that clearly he was still in love with me. Nevertheless as we were parting he still insisted that there could be nothing between us. As ever, he could give no reasons. Barely heard from him over xmas. He was visiting his family in Britain, I was at my parents' place. I emailed him several times, in some of which I expressed my bewilderment at how easily he walked away from his own heart. No reply to that. No happy new year's greeting. Whatever he felt, he was determined to suppress it. Nothing I could do about that ... Yesterday I finally got an email from him. He's back at work and about to head off into danger again. Told me he didn't know what to say about my emails about us. He'd made his mind up in March, and while seeing me in New York was lovely, his feelings hadn't changed. I replied that he'd never told me what those feelings were -- never ever, he'd just left me to guess. He then told me, simply, that he didn't feel strongly enough about me for it to work. Oh. Well. No arguing with that. A lot of his behavior in the past year (the jealousy, the refusal to communicate because it was so painful) seemed to contradict that. But if that's how he feels, there's nothing more for me to say. He said that knowing fully that I still love him immensely, am interested & concerned & supportive of him. No one person in his adult life has given him as much as I have. If that's not enough for him, well obviously there's no point in trying further. And frankly, I realized (and my friends have been telling me for a very long time) he's just not worthy of my love. Which is not to say that he's not deserving of happiness (he is, of course, as are we all). But if he doesn't appreciate and treasure what someone has to give him then he doesn't deserve to have it. So I was pretty reconciled to this, not feeling like there was anything further for me to do except to move on. If in fact the truth is that deep down he really does love me intensely but is so afraid of love that he denies it even to himself, there's nothing I can do about that (he's got a torn-up family & lots of scars where love & relationships are concerned). This is what I was thinking this morning. I was maybe about 75% convinced that I really would move on this time. I'd met a guy last month at a dinner party who emailed me at xmas and we've got plans to get together after my papers are finished next week. I was taking steps butI was afraid that my resolve would waver, that I'd second-guess myself and talk myself into hanging onto my hopes for my ex to finally see the light and embrace his love for me. Cause it seemed pretty obvious that his feelings for me were quite strong, that he was deluding himself still. He emailed me this morning suggesting that, while we both want to keep in touch, we might want to de-escalate the intensity & frequency of our communications. I agreed, and told him that they'd been a bit one-sided since November anyway, all about what was going on in his life and very little about what's going on in mine. He agreed and I thought we were all set: I have papers to write and he has work to do, and we'll slowly fade down to mere friends. And, I was thinking, perhaps eventually fade away entirely. Made me a bit sad, but such things are inevitable. An hour later he emails me to say "I'll give no preamble. I've met someone and I'm serious about her. I didn't tell you in earlier emails because I don't see the two issues - things between you and me and my meeting someone new - as connected. I wanted to clarify, finally, the former before bring up the latter. And I also didn't bring it up partly because I only met her just before Christmas in London , so it's a very new thing. And of course, it might come to nothing. If you want to know more, I'll tell. But I will leave it at this. I'm sure you'll be angry with me." I told him that I wasn't angry actually. I'd lost nothing since I had nothing from him to begin with. He told me more about his new love interest (they've spent at most a couple of days together, they knew each other from high school but hadn't spoken in 14 years until they bumped into each other while he was home. She too works overseas -- in a different part of the world from where my ex is). What a bizarre man. One week he's overcome with emotion at seeing me and the next week he's head over heels about someone he's spent very little time with and will not be seeing much at all. The road between his brain and his heart must be an unpaved, twisting trail that drops off unexpectedly, because communication between the two is clearly not good. After thinking about it I realized that I want nothing more to do with him. He's just too wrapped up in himself, too unstable, too lacking in self-awareness. He's not a good friend to me, he drains my energy and diverts my attention from things that are more important (like my schoolwork!). I realize that he's troubled and I don't even blame him for it. He's had a rough time in many ways. But enough is enough. I told him just that, that I was too tired of his hot-cold contradictions and how it was always about him. He would have accused me of being dreadfully insensitive if I'd told him about the guy from the dinner party. But he tells me about someone he's spent two or three days with -- talk about insensitive. I don't expect him to change and I just want to be left in peace, so I can focus on my stuff without being tormented by an emotionally clueless moron. So there you go. I am, obviously, quite stupid. My ex is, without a doubt, a complete jackass. There are all kinds of lessons & morals to be drawn from this but I will leave that to someone else. I have work to do. 2002 is going to be a great year. I just needed to get rid of some loose threads (a loose screw?) that was carrying over from 2001 and before.

[midori]

Thanks a lot Alex. I feel much better about things having made the decision to eliminate this guy from my life entirely.

Hi MIdori, Coming from a Man's point of view, he is a jack ass. So I hope you are doing okay because this is a very hard situation, especially during the holidays which makes it worst. There's plenty of guys out there for you, but make sure you are ready before you get yourself into something serious..take care...Alex

[Dragonflys]

Midori

 

I can't believe you put up with his crap for so long!.

 

He will NEVER be anything for you...maybe if he commits to straightening himself out he might be OK in ten years, but this guy has serious problems and will make your life miserable.

 

PLEASE find a normal guy!

 

Oliver

[midori]

Thanks Oliver. And it just doesn't end! He keeps emailing me, demanding I retract the "insulting" things I said (I told him I thought his behavior was juvenile and warped, and apparently I said something that he interpreted as suggesting that he's career obsessed ... ooo what an insult!), lamenting the "bitterness" he thinks I feel. I've tried to explain that I harbor no ill-will, that I don't feel bitter & that I just want to be left in peace. I'm just going to stop replying altogether. Apparently the only way he can process this is to villify me, turn me into a sour & embittered wretch. Whatever.

 

Alas, he's coming to the States again next month. Fortunately he'll be in New York most of the time but business will bring him at some point to Boston (where I am now). In the past he has pulled stunts like showing up on my doorstep in the middle of the night. I'm pretty sure I'll be able to resist him but I'm hoping he'll just keep away.