Me, again ... Wife looking for a male from the past

[AManWithTroubles]

Don't know if anyone remembers me, but to catch you all up, I thought our marriage was doing great. We are talking, having fun. We sometimes even have stayed up all night talking. The sex is good.

 

Then, I'm away at a conference, come back, and find out that the wife has been looking really hard for someone, a male, from her past. This male is someone she has told me before that might have been the only other person she might have loved. We have been through this twice before and both times I have told her that I am really not happy with her looking for him.

 

So, I write this off as a curiosity, but even with me back at home, she is still looking for this guy. So I get upset. I confront her, and try to get her to admit it. I lead her to the point where she has to answer the question, but she doesn't.

 

Then I call her on it, and she only defends herself. She says that she wasn't looking for anything to happen, so I ask why look at all? Especially if she realizes how upset it makes me. I'm probably over-reacting, but if it weren't for everything I've been through this year, then I wouldn't react as strongly. But it is what it is now, and I'm very upset. Now I added tension back into the relationship when were getting along so well. But it was bothering me too much. I kept thinking about it, so I had to let her know that I knew.

 

The worst part is when she told me why. She said something about her past, and trying to prove that maybe she meant something to someone from her past. So I'm thinking, "What happens?" Does she finally find him and say, "Hey, did I mean anything to you?" I tell her that she means the world to me and our children and ask why that isn't enough? If she didn't mean anything to me, I wouldn't care about it.

 

Sorry for the ramble. I probably don't even really need answers, maybe I'm just looking for clarity. I don't know. I already confronted her, so it's not like I can take it back and hold it in. But I thought part of our "new" relationship was to share everything. But someone's still keeping secrets.

[stillafool]

Gosh your wife sounds like me. I have been happily married for 9 years. I woke up in Jan '06 thinking about my ex from long ago. I'm talking about 20 years ago. I was thinking about him everyday until it was driving me crazy. I felt very guilty to be thinking about another man with my husband around as this is so unfair. I started searching for my ex on line and finally found him. I like your wife wanted to know if he had ever loved me the way I loved him. We had never spoke of love during our 3-1/2 year relationship. I finally called him at work and we spoke for about an hour. He was so excited to hear from me and I suppose it was a bit of an ego boost for him that I had searched the world to find him.

 

Well he is married with 3 teenagers and told me has has been an unfaithful husband all these years. Bascially he isn't half the man my husband is. He's very successful financially but is a horrible husband. I told him that I had been in love with him back then and all he said to me was he had cared a great deal about me. Nothing about love. He also said the passion was the greatest with me than anyone he had ever been with.

 

I have to be honest with you I had fantansized about him so much that if

he hadn't come off as such a "playa" and had told me he had been in love with me too I may have fallen into an affair with him. This is a dangerous game your wife is playing. It is best to let sleeping dogs ly. However, once she does find him she may appreciate you so much more.

[AManWithTroubles]

...However, once she does find him she may appreciate you so much more.

Or she could find out that he is everything that I am not.

 

Why should anyone even put themself in such a situation to find out? I have never once searched for women from my past. Not that I'm putting myself on a pedestal, I'm just saying. I don't see where it would be at all neccessary to pursue someone of that caliber. Old friends, yeah; old flings, no.

 

But, we talked about it. She woke me up at about 5 this morning to apologize to me. I think that's all I wanted. For her to acknowledge that I have toes that can be stepped on. That her pursuit for whatever it is that she is looking for can hurt me. We had really good make-up sex and talked for about an hour or so. So, the tension seems to be cleared up already. I just hope that he is out of her mind for now.

[whichwayisup]

No good can come of this.

 

Ask your wife how she would feel if you looked up an ex girlfriend of yours. That you just wanted to know if the ex loved you...That she'd been on your mind and you wanted to say hello etc...I'm betting your wife would FLIP out with jealously and wonder why contact someone you've not seen/heard from in years...

 

Again, no good can come of this.

[StayClose]

Interesting timing. This week I discovered someone on a social networking site (NOT MySpace but a similar one) from my past.

 

She's not exactly an ex. We were romantic together for a couple days as teens, but did not had sex (we're both past 40 now). She lived in a different city but I did visit her a few times while in my 20s, then completely lost track of her for some 15 years. We didn't connect romantically during the subsequent visits as she always had a boyfriend when I visited her city.

 

Anyhow, earlier I did a Internet search this weeks and located her on a social networking site. I sent her a massege, followed by several messages back and forth and a phone call.

 

I feel a little bad withholding this from my wife, but because I was romantically interested in this woman for a long time, this would trigger her jealousy and insecurity, even though she lives 600 miles away and we have no plans to visit that part of the country in the near future.

 

The result would be that I'd be secretly communicating with this old flame against her explicit request, or I'd be resenting her for dictating to me whom I can and cannot communicate with online.

 

If the situation were reversed? If she were emailing an old friend with whom was breifly romantic with who lived 600 miles away, I'd prefer to know about it and have an understanding of what the current relationship with him is and is not. But if it wasn't an emotional affair thing I wouldn't have a problem with it.

 

So am I doing a bad thing or not?

[Lennox]

I had an ex boyfriend look me up under somewhat similar circumstances. This guy was from high school and we did nothing more than one simple peck. I was crushed when he broke up with me, but I moved on. He got married sort of young, had children and now he has a grandbaby. He's also disabled now and is miserable. He did seek me out to tell me that he wishes he didn't dump me back then and how he thought his life would be so much better had he kept me and married me. Yes, I can see how HIS life would have been better, but I certainly can't see where it would have made MY life better! Anyway, I don't hate the guy and I really feel for his wife.

 

I told him that he needed to concentrate on his relationship with his wife. I reminded him that he married her, not me so therefore, he was really in love with her, and he wasn't with me. I told him that it would have been a severe mistake on his part to stay with me for any reasons other than pure love and devotion.

 

I hope the guy your wife is reaching out to has the sense enough to tell her the same thing.