Is It too far gone?

[Guest]

Ok... Ive been lurking in here ever since this all began and it has helped me so much. This story is kinda long but I'll try to keep it short.

My H and I have been together 8 years, we did long distance for 2 of those years and lived together for 5. About half way through I started to get major hormonal problems which doctors said was stress (I was in school at the time). I started to act like someone else and the bad part was I couild see it too. I really put him through a lot emotionally cause I was paranoid that he was cheating and I unloaded most of my stress on him! After years of this and many doctors things started turning around for me and I was finally heading back to being myself. Now he's a trooper as he stood by me through it all. But the damage was done!

We got married last year and all was well but we had a lot of ups and downs both in our relationship and in life but the worst was yet to come. We stared getting distant he was upstairs on the computer and I was downstairs watching TV we only really saw each other for dinner and a kiss goodnight. This should have been my warning sign but I was so wrapped up in my job that I was bringing work home with me and stressing about it. He told me a few times about it but I didnt listen.

Then we find out we were having a baby and this caused him to flip out mentally. He didnt want the baby he wasn't ready we weren't happy and now we would be stuck!!!! He decided to go to therapy to help him get over this feeling but it was hard to have your husband tell you he doesnt want our baby. A friends daughter asked him if he wanted a boy or girl and he replied NONE! It was a very emotional time in which he spent most of it ignoring me. At 8 weeks I had complications and had to go to the ER where they did an ultrasound and he saw the baby for the first time and it changed his mind. That would have been great but the baby was ectopic and we lost the baby and almost loost me!

We are both trying but it seems like we fight all the time cause we dont know how to communicate now that we are both so damaged! We are both in therapy seperately nut not together cause he said hes not ready for that yet as he imagines we will come home and fight about everything said in there!

I don't know what to do even the smallest fights turn into large ones at this point and neither one of us wants to give up cause we love each other so much!!! Anyone have any advice on how to take the next step?

[silktricks]

Marriage Counseling, NOW!! The whole idea of marriage counseling is for exactly what you two are going through. Issues building up until you are both in meltdown. Individual counseling is good, is excellent, in fact, but that doesn't do away with the need for counseling together.

 

Your husband's fear that you'll fight over what is said during the counseling sessions is not a realistic fear if you have a good counselor. What counseling is for is to resolve issues, not create them. Try really hard to get him to go.

 

Also visit marriagebuilders.com, there are some excellent books out about dealing with marital issues, but unfortunately, I can't remember any of them of the top of my head.

 

The number one thing is communicate, communicate, communicate. If your husband is on the computer, be up there with him, not watching TV in another room. Make it clear to him that he is important to you. That you value his company. If he doesn't make special plans to be with you, then you make special plans to be with him.

 

Health issues can destroy a marriage. When a person is ill, really ill, they become totally consumed with themselves. It's the only way to get through the day. It's important to realize, though, now you are getting better that all of your energy, and most of your husband's energy has been focused on you. He may very well be feeling like he's unimportant to you and has no real place in your life. Also, now that you are feeling better, it can be that he feels not as necessary in your life. So, he may be glad that you are well, but angry that he's not as useful. At the same time he may be angry that when you were sick you got all the attention and he felt neglected. Those can be excrutiatingly confusing emotions, as they point in different directions.

 

He can also be feeling guilty about you losing the baby, as it was something he wanted to have happen. Then when it did happen, he felt terribly guilty about it, like his wanting no child (for most of the time) caused the death of the baby. Those are also very normal feelings to have.

 

Talk to each other about your concerns. Talk to your husband about your worries regarding HIM. Focus on him.

 

Good luck to you.

[Guest]

Thank you Silk!!! We have been talking about the guilt surrounding the baby but he says he doesn't feel guilty because when he saw the baby on the ultrasound everything changed. The majority of our relarionship has focused on me because he moved800 miles to be with me while I was in school and again when I got a job another 800 miles away and he has always been my Rock but I think he's sick of it and thats all I know. I've asked him a few times if he wants to get a divorce and each time he says it never crossed his mind. I just want to get back to a point that we are not afraid of talking to each other so we don't get into another fight. I know I've hurt him repeatedly and I dont know how to make it up to him. Currently he's getting me back I think and he doesn't even know he's doing it. We had a talk a week ago about it and everything has been good until I say or do something that he thinks is more than it is and gets very defensive and mad.

It's been one month since I lost the baby this week and Im very emotional especially since one of my good friends got pregnant 5 days after me and I see her 2-3 times a week. Its just a reminder of where I should be and this week I didn't handle it well. I definitely was WRONG but I came home and took it out on him and now he doesnt want to talk or see me. His AOL away message is calloused,rigid, and empty...... because of You!!!!

I think Ive finally ruined something I cant be without