marriedwithtwo Posted August 10, 2006 Share Posted August 10, 2006 I hear the phrase written here on this forum often that communication is the key "communicate, communicate, communicate". The problem I have with this is that I'm afraid I will "talk" my wife into submission just so she won't have to talk to me anymore about an issue. Already she is frustrated when we have yet "another" sex talk. If I bring up further "communication" she's likely to get pissed off and shut down. I think we need to get to the point where we are both willing to just listen to the other (no matter what they say or for how long) and then really absorb what was said, then come back the next day to talk about what was said. I might try that. So what are your thoughts on this. Have you ever communicated too much with your spouse and it just makes things worse? Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted August 10, 2006 Share Posted August 10, 2006 So what are your thoughts on this. Have you ever communicated too much with your spouse and it just makes things worse? You can call that paralysis through anaysis. I think we need to get to the point where we are both willing to just listen to the other (no matter what they say or for how long) and then really absorb what was said, then come back the next day to talk about what was said. I might try that. Perhaps it is time to try marriage counselling? Link to post Share on other sites
superconductor Posted August 10, 2006 Share Posted August 10, 2006 OP makes a good observation: At what point does a couple stop talking and actually start doing? BC calls it analysis paralysis, and that's very astute. Communication is half the battle, but of course it's only half. Once the feelings between yourself and your SO are clear, the it's time for action. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marriedwithtwo Posted August 10, 2006 Author Share Posted August 10, 2006 I SOOOOO just want a very open relationship where we can feel free to share and talk. Things aren't bad, it's just she's not a talker about these things. I on the other hand, like to talk regularly about what makes us happy, what's going on, how your feeling, how's the sex, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
superconductor Posted August 10, 2006 Share Posted August 10, 2006 Try this: Shuddup. No, really. If she's not a talker, then she's not a talker. Fair enough. (Often it's the other way around, when the guy is quiet and the woman is the loquacious one, but general rules arent generally accurate for every situation.) Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted August 10, 2006 Share Posted August 10, 2006 So what are your thoughts on this. Have you ever communicated too much with your spouse and it just makes things worse? Thich Naht Hanh, my favorite vietnamese buddhist monk, has recommendations in this regard. It is not enough to just talk and listen. We must cultivate compassion while we are listening. Let the other person speak and hear them without judgement with the only goal being to ease their suffering. Of course the key here is that the partner should also try to practice mindful compassion while listening to YOU. Ideally both people, when there is anger, have the goal of easing the suffering of their partner, and practice engaging their own anger with mindfulness while extending compassion towards their partner. But it is so difficult to admit that you are very often the cause of your own suffering through faulty perceptions and misunderstanding and false interpretation. Maybe you both need a marriage counselor to point out the problems with communication. Talking isn't the solution. It's important to know HOW to communicate. Those skills are definately not innate. Link to post Share on other sites
StayClose Posted August 10, 2006 Share Posted August 10, 2006 My difficulty with communication is that if I'm not careful with what I say to my wife, I might say something that is interpreted as a criticism or insult, or share some other thought she doesn't approve of, and she's pissed off at me. She says I have a "problem" communicating, but the problem is that free and open communication is dangerious because of her anger and judgemntal attitudes. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted August 10, 2006 Share Posted August 10, 2006 My difficulty with communication is that if I'm not careful with what I say to my wife, I might say something that is interpreted as a criticism or insult, or share some other thought she doesn't approve of, and she's pissed off at me. She says I have a "problem" communicating, but the problem is that free and open communication is dangerious because of her anger and judgemntal attitudes. Well it's important when you share to be mindful of what words you choose. We do this with employers and co workers because we know that we must maintain a certain level of professionality to interact and maintain a working relationhip. It's similar with a marital partnership. You do have to be mindful - at all times - when communicating with ANYONE else, family or friend. Words can be our biggest enemy sometimes, because of association and connotation. Link to post Share on other sites
superconductor Posted August 10, 2006 Share Posted August 10, 2006 My difficulty with communication is that if I'm not careful with what I say to my wife, I might say something that is interpreted as a criticism or insult, or share some other thought she doesn't approve of, and she's pissed off at me. She says I have a "problem" communicating, but the problem is that free and open communication is dangerious because of her anger and judgemntal attitudes. Welcome to the world of men in relationships. He: Honey, you look nice in that outfit. Her: What do you mean? He: (puzzled) uh, I mean, you look nice. Her: What? You didn't think I looked nice yesterday? He: Yes, you looked good yesterday too. Her: Well then, why didn't you say anything? He: (beginning to sweat) I just didn't think about it, I guess. Sorry. Her: SORRY?? All you can say is you're SORRY? Him: Look, I just wanted to say that you look nice in that. Her: But don't I always look nice to you? He: Yes, of course. I just don't always say it. Her: Why not?? Is there something wrong with our relationship that you don't say things that are on your mind? He: No, of course not. I just said you looked nice, that's all. Just take the compliment with a smile. Her: Don't you DARE tell me what to do or what to think!! He: OK, never mind. I should have just not said anything. Her: Not said anything? Am I that low on your scale of priorities that if I look nice you won't even tell me? He: No, that's not what I meant at all. Can we just drop it? Her: No way!! You always do that!! Everytime we get into an argument, you just want to drop it! He: That's not true. Her: It most certainly is!! Remember the time in 1997 when we had a big argument about the refrigerator? He: Uh... well, actually, no I don't. Her: YOU DON'T REMEMBER THAT??? HOW CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER THAT??? IT WAS IMPORTANT TO ME!!! He: Look, that was a long time ago... Her: But you ALWAYS DO THAT!!!! ... etc... etc... Link to post Share on other sites
nicki Posted August 10, 2006 Share Posted August 10, 2006 Superconductor, are you hinting that's what I'M like? Is that what YOU think of ME? I can't believe this crap. (Sniff Sniff) I always thought you liked my posts..... :laugh: Oh, you are funny....so true, too (at least I've been a bit guilty of it!) Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted August 11, 2006 Share Posted August 11, 2006 I think we need to get to the point where we are both willing to just listen to the other (no matter what they say or for how long) and then really absorb what was said That's really what communication really is. Unfortunately people in our society always think about the talking part of communicating, and assume that is what is meant by the word. Talking is only half of communicating. Listening and hearing and understanding is the other half. Link to post Share on other sites
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