I Said Goodbye and Need Some Support

[Brokenheart17]

It's now been 27 hours and NC with my MM.

 

I told him it was over and I meant it . . . 27 hours ago.

 

I want to be his best friend and life's partner, but what I don't want to be is his whore, inconvenience or "dirty little secret". I want to walk hand in hand in the town we live in, not the town we vacation in hours and hours away where no one knows us. I got tired of being told that he was going to leave her and we would start our life together then only to have deadlines be replaced with his excuses.

 

I'm not a fighter and I found myself fighting with everyone and having these terrible crying anxiety attacks. Not good for me (or those around me).

 

So 27 hours ago, I ended it and I'm feeling pretty lousing and miserable and of course, can only think of those moments of fun, tenderness and love. I'm trying to replace those thoughts of those moments of lies and deception, but that doesn't always work.

 

I still check my phone and computer for messages every few minutes for contact. Respectfully, I guess, he's not contacting me. I feel like my heart's been torn out and I'm pretty miserable. I am almost 40 years old, and life has handed me my fair share of heartache, but I don't think I have ever felt this hurt.

 

My doctor has given me a healthy prescription of Xanax to help me get through the next few weeks, but some words of wisdom would be most appreciated.

 

I know I did the right thing for ME; but I know, I did not do the right thing for US.

 

Thank you.

[superconductor]

Any experience of loss like this is accompanied by a feeling of grief. That's to be expected, it's perfectly normal and healthy.

 

It also hurts, and that's reality.

 

There's no shortcut to the process. Just keep driving, and soon enough the fog will lift and the road ahead will be much clearer.

 

We're all here to help.

[inarut]

I think we are living the same life. I too am constantly checking my phone hoping that this is the day he calls me. It's soooooooo hard but we need to move on. Before my MM I was a strong, confident woman and now I feel like an insecure little girl. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I too feel like his whore and it's just not fair (especially because his wife is such a b***h). Why should she get the best part of him. I deserve so much better. I am going to concentrate on my family, friends and getting my life back on track. We are here for you so just keep on posting!

[Fluffyllama]

I hate to be the one to say this, but...if he's still married, there's no "Us." There's only "them".

 

Just my opinion, and something I learned through experience.

[PoshPrincess]

It's now been 27 hours and NC with my MM.

 

I told him it was over and I meant it . . . 27 hours ago.

 

I want to be his best friend and life's partner, but what I don't want to be is his whore, inconvenience or "dirty little secret". I want to walk hand in hand in the town we live in, not the town we vacation in hours and hours away where no one knows us. I got tired of being told that he was going to leave her and we would start our life together then only to have deadlines be replaced with his excuses.

 

I'm not a fighter and I found myself fighting with everyone and having these terrible crying anxiety attacks. Not good for me (or those around me).

 

So 27 hours ago, I ended it and I'm feeling pretty lousing and miserable and of course, can only think of those moments of fun, tenderness and love. I'm trying to replace those thoughts of those moments of lies and deception, but that doesn't always work.

 

I still check my phone and computer for messages every few minutes for contact. Respectfully, I guess, he's not contacting me. I feel like my heart's been torn out and I'm pretty miserable. I am almost 40 years old, and life has handed me my fair share of heartache, but I don't think I have ever felt this hurt.

 

My doctor has given me a healthy prescription of Xanax to help me get through the next few weeks, but some words of wisdom would be most appreciated.

 

I know I did the right thing for ME; but I know, I did not do the right thing for US.

 

Thank you.

 

Reading your post is just like reading about myself although I have been pretty rubbish at NC and we are still in touch. You have done brilliantly to last for 27 hours but please stick with it. The longest I have gone with NC with my my MM is two weeks (twice) and they were two weeks of pure torture. The second time he was on holiday with his family so that was really hard to take and I think that was kind of the end. I also constantly check my phone for messages; if there are no messages on my home for I check to see who the last caller was, just in case he called and didn't leave a message. In fact, last week he called while I was there, I didn't answer as I couldn't get to the phone and I heard him listen to my whole voice message before hanging up which of course, I totally analyse thinking, he must still love me, he still has to phone just to listen to my voice. Still, whether he still loves me or not is not really an issue. He doesn't love me enough to leave her and be with me, does he? That's the way you have to look at it too. You deserve better; we all do. As for the anti-ds you got from the docs, I went to see mine and asked for some too. Haven't gone down that road yet but am starting counselling next week and I know that I am drinking and smoking too much. I even shouted at my son last week even though he hadn't done anything terribly wrong. I was missing MM and taking it out on him which I truly regret. Thing is, we are letting them do this to us. We all know it should stop and we should have more self-respect but it ain't easy! I don't know about you but I think to myself, "If he really loves me, then why hasn't he contacted me?" even though I've told him not to. Some of them ARE trying to do the right thing and don't want to **** with our heads. Bit late for that though, huh? What you said about feeling like your heart has been ripped out - I'm totally with you; that's exaclty how I feel. Just want to do something to make the pain go away.

[yesmaybe]

You have done the right thing for BOTH "me" and "us." Although I advise you concentrate on the "me" more.

 

I did NC for 2 weeks, during which I started dating some awesome guys.

 

When MM contacted me again (he was nervous at how long I was totally silent, I said (much more nicely than this, but you get the point): "I'm dating a wonderful single guy who wants to be my boyfriend. Why the hell would I give him up?"

 

That was the moment of truth. MM knew, if he wanted to keep having me, that he had to get a divorce in the very near future. This was in March of this year.

 

It's been 6 months since then. My journey isn't over, but it's very close. No doubt that NC + dating was the best thing to do.

[kymberann]

Broken, please hang in there! You will have your ups and downs. That's to be expected. You are a fighter in your own way and fighting for you! That's what counts.

You must have been ready in one way or another to make this decision, that shows you are strong, although you may not see it now. If you want feel free to email or if you have windows messenger add me, we can chat IRT. [email protected]

Best!

[Brokenheart17]

OK. This is how bad it is. . . (for you mother's out there, you may want to get out the Kleenex or turn me in to the authorities). My sweet 7 year old lost his front tooth and although we went through all the steps, I was so wrapped up in my pathetic self absorbed self, that the Tooth Fairy forgot to come. I put him to bed with the best of intentions, and then layed in my bed and cried for the duration of the night for the loss of my MM.

 

All I've done all day is think about what his day is like, that he must be getting up now, going to work now, getting to work now, etc.

 

Still NC though. I guess that's good, but I hope he's suffering as much as I am.

[lizad]

read my post "for those of you........"

hang in there, I am a mom and I can remember being so caught up in the affair and put it as my first priority.........

NOT WORTH IT and ge certaintly is not putting you first. you deserve so much more from someone......

as far as the deadlines and excuses.....they just keep on coming.

try to focus on the positive things in your life......and NCCCCCCC

[stillhere]

OK. This is how bad it is. . . (for you mother's out there, you may want to get out the Kleenex or turn me in to the authorities). My sweet 7 year old lost his front tooth and although we went through all the steps, I was so wrapped up in my pathetic self absorbed self, that the Tooth Fairy forgot to come. I put him to bed with the best of intentions, and then layed in my bed and cried for the duration of the night for the loss of my MM.

 

All I've done all day is think about what his day is like, that he must be getting up now, going to work now, getting to work now, etc.

 

Still NC though. I guess that's good, but I hope he's suffering as much as I am.

 

Hang in there, it can only get better right? NC is the best way to go, you either have him run back to you single, or realize that this would have never ended and you'd still be in bed crying at night, but it would be because he wasn't there with you.

 

As for your son, the tooth fairy should apologize with a $5 or a $10 bill, just to say how truely sorry she was.

 

I give you so much credit for going NC, that proves how strong you really are and that you want something more out of your life. Keep it up!

[Guest]

fluffy- that is out of line to say there is only 'them'- however dysfunctional- there was a relationship that she deserves to, has to, and has the right to grieve.

 

 

as for being in an affair and putting it above being a mom- isn't that ironic??? I did it too- thoughts of I could leave them with a sitter during day (if I unexpectedly got time off work and normally would have rushed to get the kids early) to have an hour of MM's time----but the one major reason I convinced myself/justified involvement with a MM to begin with is so that I wouldn't have to leave the kids at night as much as some single guys demanded!

[mistaken.2006]

Hang in there Brokenheart17!!

It just goes to show. I really thought I was all alone. I am so glad that I found this message board. It has been a God send! It has been one week tomorrow with NC from MM. I must say that I have a hard time concentrating on anything but him but I am still determined to stay without him. I constantly look at my phone i.d. and my pager as well just to see if he cares enough. But I did tell him NC and that has been it. I guess I just want him to hurt as much as I am. Who knows.. My prayers are with you and please keep me in yours.

 

Kristen

[Fluffyllama]

I never said anything about her right to grieve. That's something personal. However, the idea of "them" versus "us" is one for another thread-not this one.

I will agree to disagree.

[9Lives]

Reading your post is just like reading about myself although I have been pretty rubbish at NC and we are still in touch. You have done brilliantly to last for 27 hours but please stick with it. The longest I have gone with NC with my my MM is two weeks (twice) and they were two weeks of pure torture. The second time he was on holiday with his family so that was really hard to take and I think that was kind of the end. I also constantly check my phone for messages; if there are no messages on my home for I check to see who the last caller was, just in case he called and didn't leave a message. In fact, last week he called while I was there, I didn't answer as I couldn't get to the phone and I heard him listen to my whole voice message before hanging up which of course, I totally analyse thinking, he must still love me, he still has to phone just to listen to my voice. Still, whether he still loves me or not is not really an issue. He doesn't love me enough to leave her and be with me, does he? That's the way you have to look at it too. You deserve better; we all do. As for the anti-ds you got from the docs, I went to see mine and asked for some too. Haven't gone down that road yet but am starting counselling next week and I know that I am drinking and smoking too much. I even shouted at my son last week even though he hadn't done anything terribly wrong. I was missing MM and taking it out on him which I truly regret. Thing is, we are letting them do this to us. We all know it should stop and we should have more self-respect but it ain't easy! I don't know about you but I think to myself, "If he really loves me, then why hasn't he contacted me?" even though I've told him not to. Some of them ARE trying to do the right thing and don't want to **** with our heads. Bit late for that though, huh? What you said about feeling like your heart has been ripped out - I'm totally with you; that's exaclty how I feel. Just want to do something to make the pain go away.

 

 

We must be twins to a certain degree. I am also in the middle of nc with my mm and yes it hurts but at the same time I feel better. I dont have to spend weekends and week nights alone if I dont want to. There is so much more to have then to put up with less than you deserve. I was with my mm for a year and 6 months. I was not willing to put up with any more than that. I told him that I want to be on the same playing field as my man and you know that I got involved in the first place cause you said you was going to leave. He has not lied to me in the sense that he is trying to get out but HE IS DRAGGING HIS FEET. My time in that situation was up. I decided to let him deal with all that stuff. My life was getting messed up. I could hardly think of anything else. I have children, family, friends, and myself. I stop taking care of myself the way I know how. It was bring me down. Now though I miss him, I am my own woman again.

 

I hope he comes back to me everyday. I check my emails everyday. I sign and yearn everyday.....but at the end of the day....I have a glass of wine and thank goodness I dont have to put up with the lifestyle of the affair. He will respect me in the end more than me staying there being his crutch. If I have to be strong.....let me see how strong he is too.

 

I dont doubt my mm loves me. I know he does. He just have to work out his problems to get my love. If he does I will be his lady again....or we will try to see if we want that again.

 

Good talking to you. Be strong. You will look back and thank yourself later.

Yes he misses you. He cant help but to miss you. He just know you are not down for the Affair anymore and he cant fix it right now or may not have the strength to make the decision or whatever.

[Brokenheart17]

Words cann't describe how much I appreciate all your support, my Heartbroken Sisters!

 

It sounds like I am certainly not alone, and reading all these stories of women, like me, who believed that a man (even though they "officially" belonged to someone else) would keep their "pillow talk" promises and sweep us away into a beautiful life full of love and wonderfulness means there might not be anything wrong with ME and this horrible situation is not unique.

 

It's been 54 hours now. We've never gone this long. He's on my mind all the time, but I did take a nice walk last night and managed to actually sleep. Historically, Fridays are very busy at my work, somy mind should be occupied today. This weekend will be hard, but I'll take my son out of town and we'll do something fun--I certainly owe him some attention. That will keep me from working on the quilt I was making for my MM's birthday--his divorce should have been final by then and it was going to be a wonderful surprise. Of course, he never actually filed for a divorce--big surprise, hu, Sisters?

 

I'm waiting for the mad stage. Aren't I suppose to be mad at him soon?

 

I do have to stop comparing myself to the Little Mrs. (which ain't so little). Why does she have him, but she treats him so horribly (I've seen this with my own eyes)? She has a very dirty house, doesn't care for her children, doesn't have any friends and makes no effort to even make herself look good. She has something that's keeping him from me though. I just can't figure out what it is. He SAYS it's ok that he'll loose alot of money to her when (and if) they divorce, but I wonder if that's it.

 

I don't know. The good news is that it's now 6:30 a.m. and I haven't cried yet.

 

How are you Ladies feeling today?

[9Lives]

Words cann't describe how much I appreciate all your support, my Heartbroken Sisters!

 

Just for the record my heart is not broken. Alot of the women on this panel are feeling emotional pain of not being with their man. My mm did not break my heart. I may have broke his.

 

 

It sounds like I am certainly not alone, and reading all these stories of women, like me, who believed that a man (even though they "officially" belonged to someone else) would keep their "pillow talk" promises and sweep us away into a beautiful life full of love and wonderfulness means there might not be anything wrong with ME and this horrible situation is not unique.

 

It's been 54 hours now. We've never gone this long. He's on my mind all the time, but I did take a nice walk last night and managed to actually sleep. Historically, Fridays are very busy at my work, somy mind should be occupied today. This weekend will be hard, but I'll take my son out of town and we'll do something fun--I certainly owe him some attention. That will keep me from working on the quilt I was making for my MM's birthday--his divorce should have been final by then and it was going to be a wonderful surprise. Of course, he never actually filed for a divorce--big surprise, hu, Sisters?

 

Well I am glad that you are feeling better. I am happy for you. It is good that you are trying to enjoy your life. You need that.

 

 

I'm waiting for the mad stage. Aren't I suppose to be mad at him soon?

 

I do have to stop comparing myself to the Little Mrs. (which ain't so little). Why does she have him, but she treats him so horribly (I've seen this with my own eyes)? She has a very dirty house, doesn't care for her children, doesn't have any friends and makes no effort to even make herself look good. She has something that's keeping him from me though. I just can't figure out what it is. He SAYS it's ok that he'll loose alot of money to her when (and if) they divorce, but I wonder if that's it.

 

I don't know. The good news is that it's now 6:30 a.m. and I haven't cried yet.

 

How are you Ladies feeling today?

 

I have now gone 4 days with out my mm and today is hard. I miss him like crazy today but I am not going to change my mind. I have a feeling he will be back one day with some good news. If he doesnt, then I am still in a win-win situation right now. He will be back.

[inarut]

Brokenheart17, I am so there with you. I am going on 6 days of NC with my MM and I am going nuts. This is one of the hardest thing I've ever gone through. If it were not for LS, I would feel horrible. Reading all these posts makes me feel so much better. I know I am not the only one with these problems.

I feel like the thoughts of my MM just won't leave my mind. I keep asking myself 'what's wrong with me, why isn't he callling?' I've come to realsize that my situation is more of a friends-with-benefits but for me it went a little deeper. It's 9am and all I keep thinking is 'am I going to see him out tonight?' 'What should I wear to make sure if he does see me he is going to want me'. It's nuts and I just can't take it anymore. I am so much better than that. Let's hang in there and keep telling ourselves they are not worthy of us!!!! Have a good weekend with your son.

Funny - my daughters first tooth fell out last night too!!

[mistaken.2006]

I am doing better today. It has officially been a week! I actually thought I was going to die last Friday!!! I feel my mind is garbled and I have prozac and valium to help me through this situation but I can honestly say, even though I Love Him Dearly, I am less tempted each day! Lets Stay Strong Ladies! Try to keep busy and preoccupy our minds with other things!

Kristen

[mistaken.2006]

By the way, if anyone wants to e-mail me so we can support each other my e-mail is [email protected]. I need the support! and other similar situations can help us through!

[Fluffyllama]

I'm going on....let's see....3 months of NC with him, and I think it is one of the best things i've done to help myself move on. It isn't always easy, but it is very necessary. Congrats on getting through the first week!

[consternation]

This sux eh. Heard from MM... texted back I don't want to talk to him... he replied that whether I talk to him or not, his marriage isnt going to last...

 

Had to reply coz my daughter is 7, and her tooth also fell out last night! She has gone to her dads parents tonight (her dad passed away) so unfortunately I will be home alone to obsess...

[sarabobara]

I know how you are feeling, Brokenheart. Yesterday would have been a week of NC for me and my MM, but I was weak and ended up sending him a not very nice email to show him how much pain I was in. Pretty stupid and selfish of me, but I wanted him to know how much his decision has hurt me.

 

Not that it would change anything... but I still can't stop myself from hoping he will come through the door with his bags.

 

I am waiting for the anger stage, as well. Hang in there, hopefully it will come.

[Brokenheart17]

It sounds like we all need to meet somewhere and commiserate together. This morning at work was very busy and I was happy to see lunchtime come. Then this afternoon, my supervisor found a small error that I made about 100 years ago on the computer and pointed it out. I fell apart and couldn't stop crying. Of course, she felt horrible, and I couldn't tell her what was REALLY wrong, but she deserved it for all her past wrongdoings, so I'm not going to loose sleep over that.

 

Then I went to Costco and my card fell into the conveyor belt and I turned around to the guy behind me and demanded that give me his card so I can get my crap and leave. He laughed and said only if I would go out and have a drink with him. Normally, I would have been flattered, but this, of course, made me cry too. That's what I need, another man in my life. There's only one that I want.

 

I'm not doing very well tonight. We have NEVER gone this long without talking to each other.

 

I believed with ALL MY HEART that this would work out. We had talked about our wedding and raising our children together (his two and my one) and where we would live and all that. He's just dragging his feet so much and it's obvious that he's quite the talker. I mean, if he really told her he was divorcing her, would she still be living there, sleeping in the same bed? No, she told me he was buying her a new car next week. But, he was suppose to be paying a lawyer or getting a new place to live . . . just didn't add up. The last time we got together for an overnighter, he was 2 1/2 hour late! Considering we hadn't SEEN each other in over a week, this was significant. We had, what I thought was a good, bonding talk and I felt stronger than ever by the time our adventure was over. That was just two weeks ago.

 

I truly feel like my heart has been ripped out. How can people survive heartache like this? I have that constant headache at the nape of my neck, my waterproof mascara just isn't holding up and we won't even talk about the lower intestines. Seems like a great many of my organs have been affected.

 

Shall I go on with all our fun adventures though antique malls and romantic walks? Nope, I don't think I can.

 

Thanks for listening to me. Anyone else talk that marriage thing? Anyone else believe it?

[sarabobara]

I believed the talk of marriage, just as you did Brokenheart. He even took me out to be sized for a ring. We talked of what our kids would look like and potential names for them. We made all kinds of plans for the future, which is really what hurts the worst, because since I actually BELIEVED it would happen, now that they are gone I have to try to find a new future all on my own. That is what is killing me.

 

The pain must lessen eventually to let us move on. I guess we just need to hang on as best we can until that happens? I'm here for you, chica, and there are lots others on this board too. We'll help each other, because men totally suck.

[owcanbhppy]

hi broken,

 

your last post shows significant progress by comparison to your 1st. you WILL be ok. better than ok. you know what you want, what you wont accept and there is everything right about that.

 

im a little bothered by the almost 40 statement. just because it sounds like a deadend thought. im pushing 40 and in so many ways, its just getting started. of course there are disapointments behind me, but thats just what they are, behind me. they will be for you to.

 

keep that chin up & pat yourself on the back for making strong choices for yourself. those choices always pay off.