I Said Goodbye and Need Some Support

[sarabobara]

Just wanted to commiserate with you, Brokenheart. My MM always had his wife cut his hair. He only trusted HER to do it because his hair "would get weird" otherwise. It bothered me a lot, when he kept telling me it repulsed him to have her touching him, yet how could he ONLY let HER cut his hair?

 

It's a silly thing to get upset about, but it is just one of the many. All those little reasons are why we are doing this, right?

 

Did you have any luck in not crying today?

[Brokenheart17]

I teared up a bit at my therapist's office, but really just talked about 100 MPH and had spent all day making lists about Contact v. No Contact. Then I made a list of all the things I DON'T like about my MM (he's kinda sloppy and short) That list really just made me sound shallow, because I was reaching and there really isn't anything I DON'T like about him . . . except one . . . THE LITTLE MRS. I really don't like her.

 

Then I threw the list away.

 

I had dinner with my best friend, and that helped. She's going through a similar situation and is kind enough to listen to me although I think I grate on her nerves sometimes.

 

How did you guys do?

 

I'm itching for contact. He should contact me. It would be alot easier to not contact him, if he makes initial contact. Any thoughts on this?

[lovernotafighter]

When you get "fed up", you will do it. It will take that to get the nc to stick.

 

I want to but he's my boss and I work like 10 feet from him..believe me he did a lil hat trick to pull this one off..he was never suppose to be my boss till he felt me slipping away.

 

today he seen me, called and e-mailed me and told me how much he loves me..it's killing me..I can't escape

[9Lives]

I want to but he's my boss and I work like 10 feet from him..believe me he did a lil hat trick to pull this one off..he was never suppose to be my boss till he felt me slipping away.

 

today he seen me, called and e-mailed me and told me how much he loves me..it's killing me..I can't escape

 

That is much harder to deal with. I dont think you can avoid your boss but so much. Then again if he fu/cks with you you can scream sexual harrassment and prove it by his emails. Of course you are not going to do that but the point is that he does have to be careful about being with you at work. I used to work with my mm and I dont think i could have avoided him at work because I saw him all the time.

[PoshPrincess]

I teared up a bit at my therapist's office, but really just talked about 100 MPH and had spent all day making lists about Contact v. No Contact. Then I made a list of all the things I DON'T like about my MM (he's kinda sloppy and short) That list really just made me sound shallow, because I was reaching and there really isn't anything I DON'T like about him . . . except one . . . THE LITTLE MRS. I really don't like her.

 

Then I threw the list away.

 

I had dinner with my best friend, and that helped. She's going through a similar situation and is kind enough to listen to me although I think I grate on her nerves sometimes.

 

How did you guys do?

 

I'm itching for contact. He should contact me. It would be alot easier to not contact him, if he makes initial contact. Any thoughts on this?

 

Your last comment about it being easier not to contact him if he makes initial contact is so how it is with me and my MM. All the time I kept ending things and he wouldn't leave me alone it made it much easier to ignore him. Now that he doesn't contact me much I feel a lot worse. A power thing again, I think.

 

Sounds good that you have your best friend to talk to. I have a close friend who is on the verge of starting a relationship with an attached man and I feel myself getting so angry with her as I don't want her to feel as awful as I feel at the moment (and have felt, especially for the last five months). Still, she has to make her own mistakes as I did. I just know from experience that it's unlikely any good will come of it. I have got a friend who's MM left his wife for her and they have now been happily married for nearly 10 years. Mind you, she started seeing him at 16 and it was at least 6 years (more I think) till he left. I feel with me being 35 and my MM nearly 40 we don't have time to waste.

 

I had a bad night last night. Thought I could cope better with the 'friends' thing but last night was hard as it's the one night I know that he's out and could make contact with me if he wanted to. If he hadn't tried phoning me Friday night I would've been ok but that makes me think that he only called then because he was bored and last night he had better things to do (ie drinking with his mates) and didn't need any entertainment. I don't begrudge him that as it's the only night he gets to go out and even then he's home by 9pm at the latest.

 

I'm still holding on to the hope that we will get together for a drink. He has even offered to drive me to the airport when I go on holiday in three weeks time but it all remains to be seen whether it will even happen.

 

How do you feel your therapy is going? I have my first session tonight and I'm a bit nervous but desperate for some help somewhere!

[9Lives]

Your last comment about it being easier not to contact him if he makes initial contact is so how it is with me and my MM. All the time I kept ending things and he wouldn't leave me alone it made it much easier to ignore him. Now that he doesn't contact me much I feel a lot worse. A power thing again, I think.

 

Yeah, I feel the same way. My mm would stop me and this time he did not. I mean he did not just say okay but he has decided that I was right about alot of things. I am doing nc and it really sucks to be honest with you. I mean I know that I am doing what is right but I miss him every day and I wish he would call or email me even though I told him not to. He has to make changes to be with me and he know that. I am not going to accept the ow role. He knows that. So that is why we are not talking to each other. They say it gets easier not talking to him but for me it is not easier at all. I love that man and I want him back so bad. However I wont change my mind about wanting a better future, a better life. I just cant do it. I just hope he comes back

[Brokenheart17]

Tonight (actually tomorrow at 1:40 a.m) will be one week. One week since I told my MM to not contact me; that I wasn't going to be his whore; that I needed him 100% or not at all; that I was ready to face the world by his side, not hidden away; that I was READY to start that life we had talked about. That I loved him too much to let him drag his feet and waste anymore time when we could be together.

 

No contact. I THINK.

 

I'm weak. I texted him last night--just a short one. I know I'm suppose to be strong. I know all those reasonable reasons, but I still did it. And you know what? HE DIDN'T CONTACT ME BACK.

 

I can't believe it. He's usually right there. Damn him for listening to me. Our roles have switched apparently. He used to be the one chasing me, now I'm chasing him.

 

No I feel very ashamed for texting him. I'm not the only weak one out there, am I?

[PoshPrincess]

BH17, you're definitely not the only one to do that. And that's the worse thing - when you contact them because you feel like s**t, then they ignore you. It has happened to me SO many times, after I've asked for NC. And then I've hated myself for being so weak and for giving in. I really feel for you so badly - and 9Lives too. We are all going through it and all desperately want our MMs back - but not at ANY cost! I've gone through all the phases, from wanting NC, to just wanting to be friends, to wanting to be the OW again, rather than nothing at all and back to so called 'friends' again when all I really want, all any of us want is for them to leave W and be with us.

 

I realised today that I haven't contacted MM for a week now even though he has contacted me twice (we've spoken once, 6 days ago). I suppose this is a bit of a step in the right direction but it has been SOOOOO hard and I too miss him more than anything. Luckily for me he has a new mobile phone number that I don't know by heart so I don't have it logged in my phone so can't text/phone him during the day. I do have the number written down at home but can't contact him during the evening as he will be at home. Too risky.

 

What are we gonna do eh? I sometimes wish I'd never met him.

 

BH17, don't beat yourself up about what you've done though. Just learn from it. That is why I try my hardest not to text MM. I know I will feel even worse if he doesn't reply so it's just not worth it. Although deep down I don't think he will ever leave, I still sit indoors hoping he will turn up and tell me he's leaving, that he loves me and can't live without me..................

[inarut]

Hi PP & BH17 - Well I'm still INARUT and trying everyday to come out of it. Not sure if you've seen my latest posts but you would think that I would never want to hear from my MM/FWB again but it's not that easy. I too am constantly wanting to call him or hoping he will miss me enough to call me. I am constantly going through senarios in my mind of what I am going to say when I talk/see him. First it's all anger then it's "I can't wait to be with you again". I just keep wondering to myself 'his wife is so terrible to him, why isn't he wanting to be with me knowing that there is no pressure'. I just don't get it. Oh well, it's been 10 days with no contact and I've survived and I will continue to survive. I was watching Oprah yesterday about people who have endoured (sp) major tragedy in their lives and I was like what am I sulking about. I've got a good home, 2 beautiful children and a husband who loves me (even though we've definitely have our problems). Hang in their girls. Remember, there is ALWAYS someone out there worse off then us. HUGS TO ALL!!!

[happiness]

I hate to be the one to say this, but...if he's still married, there's no "Us." There's only "them".

 

Just my opinion, and something I learned through experience.

 

 

The quote above just sums it up. There really is nothing that u have lost in this case. U shudnt be someone's fall back option. If its meant to be he would have taken the initiative to be only with u.

 

You did the right thing by breaking off from this draining relation.

[BenThereDunThat]

I don't get the whole "Friends" thing! What is the deal? It seems a lot of our MM's all said the same thing. Mine, throughout the A, kept stressing how important it was that above all else we were friends.

 

Well, that was fine until I fell in love with him! Is it wrong that I can't be just friends with him? He seems to be genuinely hurt that I can't. I'm hurt that he could still be friends after telling me how much he loved me. He has a 'it's better than nothing' attitude, while I feel like it's a constant reminder of someone I can't ever have. So why put yourself through it?

 

And oh yes, I know all about the anxiety of NC, after telling him to stay away, don't contact me, I STILL check my emails first thing in the morning, hoping he sent me something.

 

I guess I just want to hear him say he misses me, or for him to take a stand and say he can't be without me.

 

And yes, I've not been entirely good at not contacting him. Just last night I added him back into my contacts so I could IM him. We chatted for a bit and then I promptly removed him again.

 

We'll all get there, ladies. We just have to be strong and let the fact that we're doing the right thing comfort us.

[inarut]

BTDT I hear you. The thing that stinks about my situation is that we've known each other since we where 10 and 14 and now I don't think I could even look at him. He is a family friend so there is no way around seeing him. If I just knew that he was thinking about me and wants me to contact him just as much as I want to contact him I would feel better (I think). Let's try and hold on!

[BenThereDunThat]

Rut - I thought it was bad having to work with mine. That sucks that yours is a family friend.

 

No sooner did I hit send on my last post did I get an email from him.

 

He just wanted to inform me of which after-work functions he would attend and which he would not. Of course I was overly sensitive about it and made a smart a** comment. To which he replied 'why must you turn everything I say to you around and use it against me?'

 

Is it me? Would a better person be able to get over this a lot quicker? I told him I was sorry but that in my defense, I've been through a lot and am still sore. Not as bad as I was but still not ready to hang out and be chummy with him.

 

How is it they can do that??

[inarut]

Well, I am really nervous that I am going to see my MM tonight. Part of me prays that I see him but the other part prays he is not there. I am going to an event in which there is a possibility he will be there. If I do see him, how do I act? What do I say? Like I said before, part of me wants to tell him off, part of me wants to just forget anything between us every happened and chalk it up to bad judgement but the biggest part of me wants him to say let's meet later. I guarantee that if I do see him, he will act like it's no big deal that we have not talked in 11 days. WHY CAN'T WE BE UNEMOTIONAL JERKS LIKE MEN???

I've been getting ready for a couple hours now just thinking that I need to look just right in case he's there. How could he turn me down when I look so damn good, right. HA HA! My MM has turned me into an insecure child when prior to starting anything with him I was a secure, well-adjusted woman.

Hopefully I will have good new to report tomorrow and I DON'T SEE HIM!!

[BenThereDunThat]

You are so right about the insecurity!! This has turned me into a quivering mess. I'm not nearly as bad as I was a couple weeks ago though.

 

About tonight, I would be doing/thinking all the same things you are! I hope, for your sake, he is not there. And if he is, I'll keep my fingers crossed that you are able to act non-chalant (even if inside you're feeling like hell) and unaffected by his presense.

 

I wish I never would have let my exMM see how angry I was. It just fueled his ego even more. But on the other hand, you can't help but want to let them know they can't just go around messing with people's heads like that!

 

Good luck and definitely let us know how it goes!

[inarut]

BTDT - I am going to do exactly that - act like 'MM-who'???. I don't want him to see what he's done to me. He's not worth it but I am!

Thanks for your encouraging words.

[9Lives]

Tonight (actually tomorrow at 1:40 a.m) will be one week. One week since I told my MM to not contact me; that I wasn't going to be his whore; that I needed him 100% or not at all; that I was ready to face the world by his side, not hidden away; that I was READY to start that life we had talked about. That I loved him too much to let him drag his feet and waste anymore time when we could be together.

 

No contact. I THINK.

 

I'm weak. I texted him last night--just a short one. I know I'm suppose to be strong. I know all those reasonable reasons, but I still did it. And you know what? HE DIDN'T CONTACT ME BACK.

 

I can't believe it. He's usually right there. Damn him for listening to me. Our roles have switched apparently. He used to be the one chasing me, now I'm chasing him.

 

No I feel very ashamed for texting him. I'm not the only weak one out there, am I?

 

You should have waited until he contacted you first. I suggest you just relax like I had to do and let it come to you. He knows what you want and he know what he has to do. I am speaking from experience here and help from others on this site.

 

Today he texted me saying "thinking of you" .....I was so happy to get that and I was glad I did not contact him first because yesterday i was sooooo tempted.

 

It is better that he contact you....it keeps you in the drivers seat. So find the strength you need to not contact him. My closest friends on LS and in my life keep me in check. THANK THE LORD!!!

[9Lives]

And oh yes, I know all about the anxiety of NC, after telling him to stay away, don't contact me, I STILL check my emails first thing in the morning, hoping he sent me something.

 

I guess I just want to hear him say he misses me, or for him to take a stand and say he can't be without me.

 

 

It is good to know i am not the only one running to my email first thing in the morning looking for that email loaded with what I want to hear. I have done this almost everyday and it kinda starts my day out bad. This is so funny to me.....Anyway I decided to stop checking my email cause it throws my whole focus off. But HE DID TEXT ME....I am so happy. But I only responded back about 3 hours later....i said "Thank you...love, daddy's girl"..then I left it like that.

 

But yeah I am just continuing with the plan and dealing with the pain. I rather be on this side than the other side. At least I have some thing to look forward to ....a better future instead of just settling for something that may not happen and not being able to have a chance with someone else.

[9Lives]

Rut - I thought it was bad having to work with mine. That sucks that yours is a family friend.

 

No sooner did I hit send on my last post did I get an email from him.

 

He just wanted to inform me of which after-work functions he would attend and which he would not. Of course I was overly sensitive about it and made a smart a** comment. To which he replied 'why must you turn everything I say to you around and use it against me?'

 

Is it me? Would a better person be able to get over this a lot quicker? I told him I was sorry but that in my defense, I've been through a lot and am still sore. Not as bad as I was but still not ready to hang out and be chummy with him.

 

How is it they can do that??

 

Hell I dont think you did anything wrong. You dont want to hear that bull. I would have been salty too.

[9Lives]

Well, I am really nervous that I am going to see my MM tonight. Part of me prays that I see him but the other part prays he is not there. I am going to an event in which there is a possibility he will be there. If I do see him, how do I act? What do I say? Like I said before, part of me wants to tell him off, part of me wants to just forget anything between us every happened and chalk it up to bad judgement but the biggest part of me wants him to say let's meet later. I guarantee that if I do see him, he will act like it's no big deal that we have not talked in 11 days. WHY CAN'T WE BE UNEMOTIONAL JERKS LIKE MEN???

I've been getting ready for a couple hours now just thinking that I need to look just right in case he's there. How could he turn me down when I look so damn good, right. HA HA! My MM has turned me into an insecure child when prior to starting anything with him I was a secure, well-adjusted woman.

Hopefully I will have good new to report tomorrow and I DON'T SEE HIM!!

 

I was in a similar situation. If I see him, I am going to give him a big hug and act like nothings wrong too. He needs to see that I am doing fine and I am not bitter. Though I miss his as/s I am not bitter. We was gambling and I know it. We have a great relationship. Regardless of he leaves or not, I will always love him. I perfer he leaves if that what is in HIS heart and at HIS own time. So in the meantime, I miss him like crazy and hope he comes back but at the same time there is a chance I will meet someone else too. So thats what's up

[BenThereDunThat]

I was in a similar situation. If I see him, I am going to give him a big hug and act like nothings wrong too. He needs to see that I am doing fine and I am not bitter. Though I miss his as/s I am not bitter. We was gambling and I know it. We have a great relationship. Regardless of he leaves or not, I will always love him. I perfer he leaves if that what is in HIS heart and at HIS own time. So in the meantime, I miss him like crazy and hope he comes back but at the same time there is a chance I will meet someone else too. So thats what's up

 

I am so jealous of you! I'm not as bitter as I was but I definitely can't say we have a great relationship, mostly because of how bitter I was when it ended.

 

Seeing him at work everyday just stretches the pain out. And I work for a company that plans a lot of social events and a lot of us are friends outside of work. So there's always something I have to either flat out say no to, or tell him it's something I really want to attend and could he please not go. Because he brings his wife to everything. In fact, I got the pleasure of bumping into her in our lobby and an unknowing receptionist chearfully introduced us. That really sucked.

[silktricks]

How is it they can do that??

 

Unfortunately, because they were never as involved in the relationship as they wanted you to believe.

[9Lives]

Seeing him at work everyday just stretches the pain out. And I work for a company that plans a lot of social events and a lot of us are friends outside of work. So there's always something I have to either flat out say no to, or tell him it's something I really want to attend and could he please not go. Because he brings his wife to everything. In fact, I got the pleasure of bumping into her in our lobby and an unknowing receptionist chearfully introduced us. That really sucked.

 

 

THAT IS FU/CKED UP!!!!! Man, I would definately make sure i dont attend events he attends until I am over it or has a man to bring with me. I feel for you cause that is ugly. I have to think about this cause I would have a hard time with this as well.

 

Why does he bring her? Does he know that hurts you? What is up with that? I would lose my tempter.

[silktricks]

Why does he bring her? Does he know that hurts you? What is up with that? I would lose my tempter.

 

Because he is married and married people do things together. The wife doesn't know, he doesn't want her to know. The A is over. It might be kind to BTDT to not bring his wife, but it would be decidedly unkind to his wife. His wife needs to be his highest priority now if he is trying to make his marriage work and resolve the issues in it.

[stillhere]

If my MM and i are going to be at the same "get together", he will ask me if it is ok that he's going to have her with. If i tell him no, he makes an excuse so that they don't go.

 

I have been to many functions with her and him, and i deal with it. He was hers long before i was in the picture. But he does try to protect me.