I Said Goodbye and Need Some Support

[9Lives]

Because he is married and married people do things together. The wife doesn't know, he doesn't want her to know. The A is over. It might be kind to BTDT to not bring his wife, but it would be decidedly unkind to his wife. His wife needs to be his highest priority now if he is trying to make his marriage work and resolve the issues in it.

 

Yeah but he does not have to rub it in her face. He knows what is up regardless of him being married. HE knows. I am not saying the wife did anything wrong but he would not have like her doing that to him if the shoe was on the other foot. He wasnt acting alll married and caring about her before so dont give me that bs/hit. He still should respect regardless. She did not have an a by herself so

[BenThereDunThat]

Once the A started he did not bring her around. The only time I met her was the one time when they were going to something downtown so she came to work to meet him. He actually had the nerve to tell her to wait in the lobby of the building!! Our offices are on the 20th floor. I felt awful for her. When she came to the reception desk (where I just so happened to be standing) she said 'hi, I'm so-and-so's wife, well, I'm not just his wife I do have a name! He told me to wait downstairs but....'

 

We were completely NC at the time that happened. It was right at the beginning, when I finally made up my mind that this is no good, wrong, unhealthy, etc. I was so devastated by the surprise meeting (on top of the heartbreak of letting go) I hardly got out of bed the next day. It's a good thing it happened though, if we weren't over by that time, that for sure would have done it. Now she's actually a human being. Not just some nameless, faceless 'thing.'

 

We've never discussed their marriage in any detail but in those couple of minutes I got the impression that her entire self is consumed by him. She has moved with him from city to city as he goes after one job or another. I don't know that she has any outside interests or friends.

 

Can you imagine how the poor woman would feel if she knew all the things he's said to me?

 

So now, lucky me, he's considerate in that he'll tell me in advance if he's going to something. And if it's something I'm not willing to give up, he'll make up an excuse not to go.

[BenThereDunThat]

Unfortunately, because they were never as involved in the relationship as they wanted you to believe.

 

You are so right about that. Isn't it funny when you're on the outside looking in you can totally see it, but man, once you're 'in' it you'll buy anything they sell you.

[lovernotafighter]

Quote:

Originally Posted by silktricks Unfortunately, because they were never as involved in the relationship as they wanted you to believe.

 

 

You are so right about that. Isn't it funny when you're on the outside looking in you can totally see it, but man, once you're 'in' it you'll buy anything they sell you.

 

wrong wrong wrong...I think you both are wrong. I went NC before and recently tried to break up with MM and he's using this friendship thing on me to keep his hooks in me.. I know this because I agreed and and he is spinning a web around me...involving me in all kinds of things in life..he's my boss because he asked to be..he is getting me in this football league of his and is even trying to figure out how I can meet his family.

 

my MM is a mystery make no mistake about that..even just recently he sent me a love letter and when I tried to talk to him about he said we can talk about it later??

 

but I don't believe the just friends thing doesn't mean he's not involved it be just the opposite

[Brokenheart17]

Good Bye Strong Woman, Hello Weak Little Crying Baby Girl.

 

Not only did I text, but I E-mailed and called. NOTHING--he's cut off all ties with me! I can't believe it. We have never gone a whole week. Granted, I told him no contact, but I've totally changed my mind. (oh come on, you Ladies have all done that). I need you guys really bad now.

 

All I can think about it those final moments together when he wouldn't even hug me because I told him I thought having sex with him was wrong if he wasn't willing to proceed with his divorce. He told me not to touch him, because obviously he made me feel dirty. Well, that's not how I wanted to leave things. Not at all. We had plans. I adore him.

 

I'm sure this is some sort of grieving stage and in the end, it's best that he's keeping his word to not contact me, but I can't be strong.

 

I did delete all his phone numbers from my phone after my last begging text that I'm totally ashamed of. That was a good thing, don't you think?

 

I need to get my head on straight and enjoy SOMETHING. Anything. That's what my therapist said yesterday. He said that I need to get my mind off of my MM and onto a project. Like, taking up knitting or joining a bowling league will replace the promises of a lifetime of love.

 

OK. Give it to me. I'm weak. I hope he's suffering too.

[PoshPrincess]

Good Bye Strong Woman, Hello Weak Little Crying Baby Girl.

 

Not only did I text, but I E-mailed and called. NOTHING--he's cut off all ties with me! I can't believe it. We have never gone a whole week. Granted, I told him no contact, but I've totally changed my mind. (oh come on, you Ladies have all done that). I need you guys really bad now.

 

All I can think about it those final moments together when he wouldn't even hug me because I told him I thought having sex with him was wrong if he wasn't willing to proceed with his divorce. He told me not to touch him, because obviously he made me feel dirty. Well, that's not how I wanted to leave things. Not at all. We had plans. I adore him.

 

I'm sure this is some sort of grieving stage and in the end, it's best that he's keeping his word to not contact me, but I can't be strong.

 

I did delete all his phone numbers from my phone after my last begging text that I'm totally ashamed of. That was a good thing, don't you think?

 

I need to get my head on straight and enjoy SOMETHING. Anything. That's what my therapist said yesterday. He said that I need to get my mind off of my MM and onto a project. Like, taking up knitting or joining a bowling league will replace the promises of a lifetime of love.

 

OK. Give it to me. I'm weak. I hope he's suffering too.

 

BH17, sounds like you're having SUCH a hard time. I had all that from my MM. I would text him, then regret it because he ignored me. I would delete his number from my phone. Like BTDT, the amount of times I have added his number, then deleted again so as not to contact him, is unbelievable. Luckily now he has a new number that I don't know by heart but I still texted him this morning (as I have it written down at home!) My MM managed to ignore me for quite a while but is back again (as 'friends'! haha) and yours may well be too although I don't want to build your hopes up. Think of it this way, the longer there is NC hopefully the easier it will get (think I'm trying to convince myself by saying that!!!)

 

I think it's the range of emotions we all go through that are the hardest. All of a sudden you get contact from them and feel on top of the world then the next minute, nothing, and you couldn't possibly feel any worse. It's just good to get all this support from everyone. Not sure about taking up a hobby to get your mind off things. Of course, that IS right nd I don't know about you but the way I feel I can't put my mind to ANYTHING! I used to love reading but havne't read a book all the way through for months. In fact, when I have been to a book shop I find myself looking for novels that have a similar story to mine. In hope of a happy ending maybe? not sure about that.

 

BH17, you're not the only crying baby girl - you're not weak either. I know what you're saying, that's how I think of myself too but we just happen to have fallen in love with the wrong person, or the right person in the wrong situation - and it's tough beyond belief. Most of the time I feel total despair. Like I so badly want to get rid of the pain but don't know how. My MM called this morning but couldn't really talk so said he would phone back. Of course, at the moment I have that excited anticipation feeling but in a few hours that will turn to an anxious feeling if I have't heard anything and then tonight I will be in bits.

 

Why do we do this to ourselves?

[Brokenheart17]

Thank you Posh for yor support and I totally hear you about being on top fo the world when you hear from your MM and then at rock bottom when you don't. So, I'll eat ice cream for breakfast, put on my happy face and go to work. The the girls in the office will say, "How was your evening?" I will say, "Fine, how was yours?" They will say "Fine" and then another day of checking my phone 100 times will begin. Folks will look at me and see the same person that has sat in that chair for the past nine years and not know that my heart is broken and if they look at me wrong I will cry. Funny how life is. I wonder what hell they may be going through.

 

I can't wait to hear from him, but I can see where he would be afraid to contact me. Our breakup was pretty bad. I have to give him credit for being as strong as he is.

 

It's been over a week and I have a new dread--I know some of you have this too--SCHOOL. We have the new school clothes and school supplies, but I KNOW I'm going to run into the MM or at least the Little Mrs. and children at some function. I can't exactly NOT go to concerts and things. Plus, our kids are in the same scouting group of which we were both leaders last year. Great. That's going to be hard, but I have three more weeks to gather some strength for that.

 

By the way, how many of us are married too?

[inarut]

Good morning fellow OW -

Well, I didn't see my MM last night but I did get an earful. At this point I think I have been fooling myselft that he even cared about me the slightest. My cousin (my MM's friend) didn't really know the entire story of 'us' so I thought I would fill him in. He was surprised at how many times we've met. MM made is sound like it was a 1 time thing and now I've become 'obsessed'. I asked why do you think he is acting like he is and I got the 'if he gets caught, his wife will leave him and he can't risk losing his kids'. I totally get that but what I don't get is that I am in the same boat and he knows that. I am not going to leave my H for the same reasons. Me and MM even talked about it. Unlike many other OW out there, I don't want my MM to leave his wife. Like I've stated before, we where more like FWB. Am I asking too much of him? Do men think differently when it's just FWB? I JUST WANT HIM TO CALL AFTER WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER!! My cousin said he will probably call when he's drunk and lonely. AAHHH!!!

[Brokenheart17]

Hi inarut. . . are you afraid your husband will find out? I mean how many people have you told about your relationship with your MM? I'm afraid to tell ANYONE.

[inarut]

BH17 - Of course I would hate it if my H found out but I don't think that would ever happen (never say never though, right?). Only 2 people know about our 'relationship'. I trust them totally. One is my best friend and the other is his best friend who happens to be my cousin. We always meet late and I am already out with either my friends or some other function.

My relationship with my husband has been strained for about a year and my MM/FWB's wife (from what I hear) is a total b***ch. We are basically each other's escape. The thing that I can't control is now I've developed feelings for him. I wish I hadn't but I am human and sh*t like that happens.

[9Lives]

I think it's the range of emotions we all go through that are the hardest. All of a sudden you get contact from them and feel on top of the world then the next minute, nothing, and you couldn't possibly feel any worse. It's just good to get all this support from everyone. Not sure about taking up a hobby to get your mind off things. Of course, that IS right nd I don't know about you but the way I feel I can't put my mind to ANYTHING! I used to love reading but havne't read a book all the way through for months. In fact, when I have been to a book shop I find myself looking for novels that have a similar story to mine. In hope of a happy ending maybe? not sure about that.

 

Read this book called "why men love b/itches" ....that will help you figure out alot of things about men. it is very good

[9Lives]

BH17 - Of course I would hate it if my H found out but I don't think that would ever happen (never say never though, right?). Only 2 people know about our 'relationship'. I trust them totally. One is my best friend and the other is his best friend who happens to be my cousin. We always meet late and I am already out with either my friends or some other function.

My relationship with my husband has been strained for about a year and my MM/FWB's wife (from what I hear) is a total b***ch. We are basically each other's escape. The thing that I can't control is now I've developed feelings for him. I wish I hadn't but I am human and sh*t like that happens.

 

What do you want from him? Just asking?

[9Lives]

Good Bye Strong Woman, Hello Weak Little Crying Baby Girl.

 

Not only did I text, but I E-mailed and called. NOTHING--he's cut off all ties with me! I can't believe it. We have never gone a whole week. Granted, I told him no contact, but I've totally changed my mind. (oh come on, you Ladies have all done that). I need you guys really bad now.

 

All I can think about it those final moments together when he wouldn't even hug me because I told him I thought having sex with him was wrong if he wasn't willing to proceed with his divorce. He told me not to touch him, because obviously he made me feel dirty. Well, that's not how I wanted to leave things. Not at all. We had plans. I adore him.

 

I'm sure this is some sort of grieving stage and in the end, it's best that he's keeping his word to not contact me, but I can't be strong.

 

I did delete all his phone numbers from my phone after my last begging text that I'm totally ashamed of. That was a good thing, don't you think?

 

I need to get my head on straight and enjoy SOMETHING. Anything. That's what my therapist said yesterday. He said that I need to get my mind off of my MM and onto a project. Like, taking up knitting or joining a bowling league will replace the promises of a lifetime of love.

 

OK. Give it to me. I'm weak. I hope he's suffering too.

 

wow, my heart is bleeding for you.

 

The only thing I can say is leave him alone period and do every single thing in your power to try to be happy and not think about him. You have to do something!!! You cant keep doing this....your killing yourself.

 

I am struggling too but my strength is that we had a great time and now I have to move on to a better future. I have no regrets. I miss him dearly but this is about my life now. Think about it? Do you want to be doing this same old stuff a year from now? YOU HAVE TO CHANGE!!! Not him. YOU CHANGE.

 

Make yourself stop doing certain things. I am under the same practice. I use to get up and run straight to the computer to see if he sent me a msge. I dont do that anymore. I know he is not going to call. He did text me yesterday but that is out of character for him so that was a surprise.

 

Me personally, I did not want to lose him but I CANT be in this situation anymore.....It is very draining and too consuming and I couldnt get nothing done. I wont put myself thru it anymore. I am missing him alot and he sent me a text but I am constantly working on being stronger for my future. Yes in my heart there is still a lot of hope but I have to put me first now.

 

So try your hardest to not contact him....he is losing more and more respect for you and that is the last thing you want. BE COOOOOL. Get this book called why men love bitches. You will learn a thing or to.

 

I will be here for you....just keep ls going. we are here for you. you can get back to yourself....you are still there

[inarut]

9lives - Honestly, I don't want anything from him except maybe a call after we've been together saying, hey how ya doing. when can we meet. I don't want to be the one ALWAYS calling which is the case now. Is that weird? Just reading this back to myself I think it sounds weird.

[9Lives]

9lives - Honestly, I don't want anything from him except maybe a call after we've been together saying, hey how ya doing. when can we meet. I don't want to be the one ALWAYS calling which is the case now. Is that weird? Just reading this back to myself I think it sounds weird.

 

Well it does not sound wierd to me. I just asked because I wasnt sure. I dont know, I mean sometimes it is easier to just let it be. I dont know for sure. I told my mm not to contact me anymore and he has one time...it did make me feel good but I dont need him calling me regularly because it keeps me yearning for his love. I needed the space to get my mind right. I love him so much that is hard for me to be hearing his voice but not talking about OUR LIVES together. I guess a call here or there is okay but I dont know.

I just hope I will be with him again when he or if he becomes single or I meet someone and it wont matter. Hold your head up girlfriend. I would not call him. Just let it be at this time. Dont push it. He is not ready to talk I guess. I know that is easier said than done but just work towards it for your own good. We cant make them talk if they dont want to.

[BenThereDunThat]

 

Well it does not sound wierd to me. I just asked because I wasnt sure. I dont know, I mean sometimes it is easier to just let it be. I dont know for sure. I told my mm not to contact me anymore and he has one time...it did make me feel good but I dont need him calling me regularly because it keeps me yearning for his love. I needed the space to get my mind right. I love him so much that is hard for me to be hearing his voice but not talking about OUR LIVES together. I guess a call here or there is okay but I dont know.

I just hope I will be with him again when he or if he becomes single or I meet someone and it wont matter. Hold your head up girlfriend. I would not call him. Just let it be at this time. Dont push it. He is not ready to talk I guess. I know that is easier said than done but just work towards it for your own good. We cant make them talk if they dont want to.

 

Hi 9Lives - just a quick note to say you're posts are great. You have such a grounded outlook. You're absolutely right. "Don't push it." "We can't make them talk if they don't want to."

 

And also, I agree. Why would I want to talk to him if we're not talking about having a life together? Just for torture's sake? No thank you!

 

Keep up the good fight....

[9Lives]

Hi 9Lives - just a quick note to say you're posts are great. You have such a grounded outlook. You're absolutely right. "Don't push it." "We can't make them talk if they don't want to."

 

And also, I agree. Why would I want to talk to him if we're not talking about having a life together? Just for torture's sake? No thank you!

 

Keep up the good fight....

 

Hey thanks! Yeah I like being there for you guys cause yall have been there for me when I was struggling with my mm. My attitude is that he was good to me but I look forward to the freedom of what a normal relationship has. No hiding....family gatherings.....trips together....talking about future...spending the night with each other......just being out in the open. I feel bad when I see couples out and about having a good time. I cant really do that with him. We did go out together, we went out of town together, i met his best friends and parents and kids...he did alot of nice things for me but I told him from the beginning that I was not going to be sideline long. I did it because he was sooooooooo sweet and he did not make me feel 2nd. But after 1 year and he started to drag his feet....i lost all patience and other stuff too started slipping away....like my self control and self respect and stuff like that. I knew if I kept dealing, something bad was going to happen. I was crying alot and not taking care of myself. So it came to a point where enough was enough.

 

I was taught by someone on this site that you have to make your own choices and not wait on someone to do what you know is best for you. I had to learn that. This is HIS marriage....HIS life changing decision....he has to do it in HIS time..not mine. So all I can do is get out of the situation cause I cant wait any longer even though I am still waiting kinda. I am still working on keeping my strength...everyday is a struggle and a battle but I do it. I dont feel better but I dont feel like I use to feel anymore either. I just feel empty most of the time but not those other feeling I felt when I was with him. It is better this way even though I want him back.

 

So keep working on it. Everyday. Let the pain and disappointment keep you strong. Think of what you did not like for real and focus on that. There was some things I just hated so I get this pissed off feeling inside of me that makes me say....get your **** together or leave me the hell alone. I dont need this ****.

[PoshPrincess]

Hey thanks! Yeah I like being there for you guys cause yall have been there for me when I was struggling with my mm. My attitude is that he was good to me but I look forward to the freedom of what a normal relationship has. No hiding....family gatherings.....trips together....talking about future...spending the night with each other......just being out in the open. I feel bad when I see couples out and about having a good time. I cant really do that with him. We did go out together, we went out of town together, i met his best friends and parents and kids...he did alot of nice things for me but I told him from the beginning that I was not going to be sideline long. I did it because he was sooooooooo sweet and he did not make me feel 2nd. But after 1 year and he started to drag his feet....i lost all patience and other stuff too started slipping away....like my self control and self respect and stuff like that. I knew if I kept dealing, something bad was going to happen. I was crying alot and not taking care of myself. So it came to a point where enough was enough.

 

I was taught by someone on this site that you have to make your own choices and not wait on someone to do what you know is best for you. I had to learn that. This is HIS marriage....HIS life changing decision....he has to do it in HIS time..not mine. So all I can do is get out of the situation cause I cant wait any longer even though I am still waiting kinda. I am still working on keeping my strength...everyday is a struggle and a battle but I do it. I dont feel better but I dont feel like I use to feel anymore either. I just feel empty most of the time but not those other feeling I felt when I was with him. It is better this way even though I want him back.

 

So keep working on it. Everyday. Let the pain and disappointment keep you strong. Think of what you did not like for real and focus on that. There was some things I just hated so I get this pissed off feeling inside of me that makes me say....get your **** together or leave me the hell alone. I dont need this ****.

 

9Lives, your advice certainly is brilliant and you are doing so well. I just hope I can be where you are soon. At the moment I am still having contact because that's the only way I can cope. Have been a little better with the 'friends' thing as NC was pure hell and I was falling apart big time. Hopefully though, before long, I will just think 'enough's enough' and have the strength to walk away. I am still at the stage where I can't face the thought of life without him and am hanging onto that little bit of hope. Thanks though, your posts are really helping. I know I am screwing my life up by sitting, waiting and hoping that one day we will be together but the thought of being without him mkes me feel sick to the stomach.

[9Lives]

9Lives, your advice certainly is brilliant and you are doing so well. I just hope I can be where you are soon. At the moment I am still having contact because that's the only way I can cope. Have been a little better with the 'friends' thing as NC was pure hell and I was falling apart big time. Hopefully though, before long, I will just think 'enough's enough' and have the strength to walk away. I am still at the stage where I can't face the thought of life without him and am hanging onto that little bit of hope. Thanks though, your posts are really helping. I know I am screwing my life up by sitting, waiting and hoping that one day we will be together but the thought of being without him mkes me feel sick to the stomach.

I understand what you are saying. You get there when YOU get there. It took me a long time to make this decision and I suffered and still feel it. You will do it when you are ready. It is hard. I know the feeling. Keep working on it. I will be there for you and so will others on this site.

 

Today is one of my off days....I want to just scream. But I dont care. I am going to make it. Let him scream and wonder why. I just cant do it.

[inarut]

Hang in there 9lives. You've been there for us and we will be here for you.

[inarut]

Question for you 9Lives - If (and that's a big if) I do finally hear from my MM/FWB, do I act like nothings wrong? I mean do I have the right to be angry with him? My best friend says no because nothing is expected from each other. The longest we've gone with NC was 3 weeks and of course I am the one who called him.

[PoshPrincess]

I understand what you are saying. You get there when YOU get there. It took me a long time to make this decision and I suffered and still feel it. You will do it when you are ready. It is hard. I know the feeling. Keep working on it. I will be there for you and so will others on this site.

 

Today is one of my off days....I want to just scream. But I dont care. I am going to make it. Let him scream and wonder why. I just cant do it.

 

9Lives, you are SO strong, I really admire you. Scream as much as you like though but don't give in because it will be such a step back for you. Hopefully when you wake up tomorrow it will be a good day again. I started off by having all bad days, then the odd good day, now I reckon I'm on 50/50 so things are definitely looking better.

[9Lives]

Question for you 9Lives - If (and that's a big if) I do finally hear from my MM/FWB, do I act like nothings wrong? I mean do I have the right to be angry with him? My best friend says no because nothing is expected from each other. The longest we've gone with NC was 3 weeks and of course I am the one who called him.

 

I am with your best friend. You shouldnt be angry. For what? Did he lie to you or mistreat you or did it just not work out.

 

If it did not work out? Then no. Just be cool and nice. I wouldnt get into anything deep. It did what it did.

[9Lives]

9Lives, you are SO strong, I really admire you. Scream as much as you like though but don't give in because it will be such a step back for you. Hopefully when you wake up tomorrow it will be a good day again. I started off by having all bad days, then the odd gooad day, now I reckon I'm on 50/50 so things are definitely looking better.

 

Thanks LS sisters!!!!

Well it shower time for me. I will talk to you guy soon.

[inarut]

I am with your best friend. You shouldnt be angry. For what? Did he lie to you or mistreat you or did it just not work out.

 

If it did not work out? Then no. Just be cool and nice. I wouldnt get into anything deep. It did what it did.

 

9Lives -

You are right. I should just play it cool. I am sure if I acted any other way, he would think I was nuts or something. I guess I knew for the start what our 'relationship' was going to be but I guess it hurts that he does not call to set things up. It's been 12 days since I saw him last but with NC since then at all, it feels like forever!