Cocaine addiction: How can we aid our friend?

[Nicholas]

In a few weeks, my class is leaving for college.

We're going to different places, many (myself included) out of state.

 

Meanwhile, we're all discovering just how bad our dear friend's cocaine addiction is. We knew she did it sometimes, and we didn't like it, but we had no idea it was this bad.

 

She has stolen from people she has known since before she could walk. Small stuff, like twenty dollars. When confronted with proof, she denies it. One of her friends now doesn't speak to her, and she simply reinvented her life without her existence.

 

She's also had a seizure on coke before and pretty much everyone in her family has the heart of Dick Cheney. I know it's only a matter of time before her heart stops.

 

Her parents are not the type to care about this thing and it's not like they could do much as she is both independently wealthy [though not for long] and 18.

 

She has self esteem problems including an eating disorder and she likes cocaine as an appetite suppressant as well as for the psychological comfort. She is at a point where she only loves herself when she is high.

 

Last week, I had her on the phone and we talked for several hours. She was crying and it felt like I broke through to her, but she quickly brought up things about my past and tried to get defensive/accusatory. I tried to direct the conversation back to her, but she got angry and hung up on me. She left the house without her phone, and I had no way of getting in contact with her. I was pretty scared and I was worried that she would kill herself. I felt like I had been too harsh.

 

When she got back, she was back in denial mode and I didn't really believe her when she promised never to touch cocaine again. I have since found out that she has not honored that promise.

 

We just want our friend back. We just feel so powerless because we're all leaving for college anyway, it's quite possible that cocaine is a better friend than us.

 

This week is the anniversary of her mentor's death and she has not been quiet about her plans to do a lot of hard drugs to "deal with the pain." If it's not one thing, it's another. She's not honest when I confront her, and we're very close.

 

What can I do? She sometimes says she'll straighten up when she goes to college. It won't be hard to find dealers where she's going. I think she should defer admission for a year and enter a residential drug treatment program. She thinks that's crazy, of course, because her drug use isn't a problem to her.

 

I don't know what to do. I have a lot of ideas, but I don't want to make anything worse. Though her real friends all are disgusted with her and what the drug has done to her, the reality is she has plenty of other friends who are happy to do it with her, sell it to her, and otherwise encourage her habit.

[alphamale]

there is nothing anyone can do until she comes to you on her hands and knees seriously requesting assistance....

 

sorry but thats just the way it is.

[superconductor]

How old is she?

[blind_otter]

Hi dude, as you may know I am a recovering addict. Cocaine was my most recent drug of choice. There is nothing that you can do.

 

She has to want to get sober. She has to hit rock bottom. Cliche, I know, but it's God's honest truth. No one ever feels motivated to change their behavior patterns until the consequences are so severe that the alternative is too distasetful to contemplate. I think you are completely aware of this, N.

 

It's painful to witness such behavior. The only thing that bystanders can do, IME, when they are not directly involved with the addict (family, guardian), is to put a mirror up to their face, gently. Show them how they are hurting themselves with honest communication. She may see through your eyes and become more aware of her own dysfunction. But she may allow herself to sink in a sea of denial. She is entirely the one in control of this outcome.

[alphamale]

There is nothing that you can do.

I believe I already stated this...

[Nicholas]

How old is she?

18.

She is entirely the one in control of this outcome.

If only she were.

[EnigmaXOXO]

The most difficult part of an addiction is not the emotional and physical withdrawal … but breaking through that impenetrable wall of denial. As any counselor will tell you, unless they first accept that they have a problem and WANT the help, there isn't a darn thing you can do to hurry that process along. Some people, for whatever reason, are just hard-wired to self destruct and it's an agonizing thing to have to watch. Sometimes hitting rock bottom isn't even enough. All the love and support in the world isn't enough until they're good and ready.

 

You're doing what any good friend would do. Your doing all you CAN do. Continue to remind her that you care about her. Continue to encourage her to seek help. But whatever you do, don't feel guilty or that you somehow failed her as a friend if you don't manage to break through. And don't beat yourself up if eventually you have to save your own sanity by putting some distance between yourself and someone else's inner demons.

[bluetuesday]

You're doing what any good friend would do. Your doing all you CAN do. Continue to remind her that you care about her. Continue to encourage her to seek help. But whatever you do, don't feel guilty or that you somehow failed her as a friend if you don't manage to break through. And don't beat yourself up if eventually you have to save your own sanity by putting some distance between yourself and someone else's inner demons.

 

i echo this, nick. you cannot force someone to see what you can see. it's tortuous, i know. but she needs to learn this lesson herself in her own time. and you need to let her. it will most likely get worse first, i'm afraid. i don't mean you should accept the addiction and not challenge her - quite the opposite - but she won't quit for you or for anyone else. there isn't a way you can put it. she hears you, she just can't stop yet. she's not learned why she needs to.

 

you are doing a great job of being her friend. stick with it. i don't think you could realistically make anything worse. if you annoy her and she cuts off all contact with you would it actually be worse for her? she ignores your pleas anyway.

 

just don't stop trying to reach her. she needs someone who is willing to show they care enough to be honest with her and not quit on her. especially since those closest to her (her parents) don't seem to care.

 

and while you're at it, pray for her. she's in the grip of some pretty powerful forces. it can't hurt to ask for her to be released.

[Nicholas]

Thanks for the advice and support, everyone.

 

During the first break-through, I told her that if she ever did coke again, I wouldn't speak to her or any of our mutual friends. I told her I didn't want to be her friend if she still did it, because if she overdosed and died, I'd rather not find out.

 

It sent her into a panic, but the wrong kind. First she asked my best friend if I was serious, and he told her that I was. Now whenever she does coke, she takes extreme measures to make sure I don't find out.

 

But when we talk she makes it seem like she's trying hard to stop, but wants to do it again this Friday on the anniversary of her mentor's death, because she just can't deal with it.

 

The thing is, I know even if she *is* trying hard to stop that she still does it all the time. She does it with people I know and begs them not to tell me. Also, she does it for fun with people. A week ago she did it with an acquaintance of mine [she didn't know we were acquainted] and they both just did one line. That's not an addict needing a fix, that's just someone having a fun.

 

I know it's hard on her, sure, but she's being disingenuous by pretending she's trying hard to stop, and she's not being honest about the last time she did it.

 

She used to have an obsession with me and has always liked me, though I've been clear that I don't want a relationship with her. She now considers me one of her best friends. The idea of never talking to me is distressing to her, which is why I even tried that. I feel like I made it much worse, because now she is trying really hard (though not very adeptly) to hide it from me, and she's clearly lying to me.

 

Should I tell her I know? Should I tell her that I know she has stolen from me and that she continues to lie to me on a daily basis? I don't want my money back by the way. I wouldn't be comfortable with anything she did to get it.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Some ugly facts about addictions:

 

Addicts steal … even from people who care about them. Especially from those who are more likely to forgive them. Tell her you are aware that she's stolen from you and (sick or not) you don't appreciate her lack of respect towards you as her friend. She may not have much willpower when it comes to drugs … but she is not brain-dead and therefore is in full control of her actions towards you. Don't allow the addiction to become her (and your) excuse. To do otherwise, makes you an enabler.

 

Addicts survive by the lye. Even if they're fortunate enough to recover, it has become so ingrained that it often continues even long after their recovery. When she's lying to your face, and you know it beyond a shadow of a doubt … call her on it. Again, allowing her addiction to become her free pass to forgiveness makes you an enabler.

 

Addicts will never get clean so long as they're surrounded by enablers and co-dependants. If she were seeing a professional, one of the first things they would require her to do is distance herself from her "user" friends and remove herself from social situations where she might be tempted to use. No such thing as an addict "cutting back" or controlling their use to "just on occasion". Once an addict, always an addict. And it's one of points they stress many, many times to those in recovery … because one of the biggest mistakes a recovering addict makes is eventually convincing themselves that: "this time, I can control it." This is inevitable the kind of thinking that leads 90% of recovering addicts to relapse time and time again.

 

And lastly … never, ever deliver ultimatums to an addict without following through. If you don't keep your word, they won't have any reason to either. Again, to do otherwise makes you an enabler.

 

The idea of never talking to me is distressing to her, which is why I even tried that. I feel like I made it much worse, because now she is trying really hard (though not very adeptly) to hide it from me, and she's clearly lying to me.

 

The first thing I learned in support counseling is that you should never, ever accept blame for someone's addiction. Addicts get worse with or without help. It's the nature of the beast. Worst of all, a part of the denial process is to externalize blame … to point a finger at everyone and everything they imagine is making them miserable enough to use. The more you pressure them to get help, the more they'll blame you, the world, their family and the whole entire universe for their problems. It's a Cop Out. Plain and simple. So see it for what it is and challenge it head on, and as BT already said, if your concern for her pisses her off enough that she cuts you out … then she's only shooting her own foot. If and when she ever recovers, she'll come out of her fog and realize who her true friends really were and THANK you for it. Making "amends" is also a part of their recovery process. And if they're fortuneate enough to reach that point, they always do.

[Nicholas]

Tell her you are aware that she's stolen from you and (sick or not) you don't appreciate her lack of respect towards you as her friend. She may not have much willpower when it comes to drugs … but she is not brain-dead and therefore is in full control of her actions towards you.

 

Though she has directly stolen money from other people, she has not done so with me. A friend of hers was selling his acoustic guitar for two hundred dollars. I gave her the money to purchase it for me. This friend has been creatively detained in Nigerian fashion for eight months. She has gone through very many theatrics in order to maintain this. I'm confident if I confronted her about the money, she will continue to deny the theft, and it will only strain our relationship.

 

And lastly … never, ever deliver ultimatums to an addict without following through. If you don't keep your word, they won't have any reason to either. Again, to do otherwise makes you an enabler.

 

She doesn't know that I know she's lying. She doesn't know that I'm not following through with my ultimatim. When I tell her, she will be genuinely shocked. She thinks she's really good at lying.

 

Do you really feel like I should break off all contact with her as I said I would?

[burning 4 revenge]

Heroin. I can't begin to list all the rock stars it got off cocaine

[Pink Amulet]

Blind_otter- I am so glad to hear you made it through the addiction. Your words about rock bottom though are unfortunately not enough in most cases. Most addicts hit rock bottom and start digging.

 

It really is such wonderful advice given by all. I wish I had been exposed to this wisdom in the begginning. Unfortunately, Alpha's post is the one that rings true.

 

Advised my medical practitioners after my best friends meth induced stoke, her family and I are now giving her money so she can afford to buy cocaine instead of methamphetamine.

 

...It is amazing how low you will sink to sleep better at night.

[Nicholas]

Heroin. I can't begin to list all the rock stars it got off cocaine

 

**** you, you're never funny, and I hope something hits you so that you end up dead.

 

You don't have to say something in each thread. No one clicks on threads like these wondering what funny comment you have on them.

[Nicholas]

If she wants to seek help, what can I do?

[Ladywithafan]

If she wants to seek help, what can I do?

 

Hold up a mirror and let her watch herself doing her drug of choice. It's never a pretty sight...actually why a lot of people like to do drugs alone.

[EnigmaXOXO]

There are several options, depending on how much time and energy you are willing to invest … and IF you are willing to risk your friendship and look like the bad guy for her sake.

 

You mentioned you had several friends who were concerned, so an intervention is the first thing that comes to mind.

 

I was fortunate enough to have family members and two friends who were willing to gather together and we all sat down and talked to my husband as a "group." It was the only thing that finally moved him enough to agree to treatment. But we had leverage … since my husband worked for his father, he was told he could not return to work until he had successfully completed a 30-day program. And I told him that I was tired of feeling like a single parent, and unless he sought treatment, I was prepared to leave with our baby daughter. Both my parents and his parents backed me on that.

 

My husband's drug of choice was both cocaine and alcohol. We were $25K in dept because he had an $800 a week habit. When he came out of recovery, he never touched alcohol or drugs again.

 

The same strategy worked for my daughter when she was eighteen and we could not legally have her committed to a treatment facility without her consent. She didn't handle it as well as her father. She became infuriated at her friends for "tattling" on her and had all three of them in tears. But once she completed her program, she made amends and "thanked" them for saving her life. Unfortunately, my daughters drug of choice was Heroine, and she continued to relapse several times until they placed her on the Methadone program. It's likely she'll be on it for the rest of her life.

 

So you see … sometimes recovery works, and sometimes it doesn't. To support someone's sobriety can often be an exhausting life-long process. The love a parent has for a child is where I find the strength, motivation and intestinal fortitude … but I could honestly no longer muster the stamina if she were just an acquaintance, friend, or one of the teens I mentored.

 

Here's some info about interventions:

 

Difficulty: Hard

Time Required: weeks

 

Here's How:

 

1. Contact a alcohol and drug treatment professional with a established track record of successful interventions.

 

2. Make a list of key family members, friends, co-workers and employers to take part in the planning and intervention.

 

3. Meet with professional counselor to discuss and evaluate the situation honestly.

 

4. Discuss barriers and difficulties that have been a hindrance to seeking help in the past.

 

5. Plan the actual intervention, rehearsing what each person in the group will say to the alcoholic/addict.

 

6. Schedule the actual intervention at a time when the addicted family member will be available and hopefully sober.

 

7. Confront the alcoholic in a loving but honest manner, letting him know that his drinking is effecting more than just himself.

 

Tips:

 

1. Interventions can back-fire and cause more problems than they provide solutions. Don't attempt one without advice from a trained professional.

 

If this seems like over-kill, or you're not willing to risk her becoming angry at you, then perhaps you can have a heart-to-heart discussion with her. Tell her that (as her friend) you can not stand by and painfully watch as she sabotages herself. That you would be willing to take her to a treatment program and offer her your support if she needed it. But, if she continues to spiral downwards, you'll have to distance yourself because you can not bare to be an accomplice to her slow suicide. And if that doesn't get her attention, then stick to your resolve and follow through … OR surrender to the fact that you are powerless to change her and love her as your friend, addict or not.

[sexyLMC]

coming from a person who has done all that..

i got to the point i was spending £200 a wk on cocain..

getting into dept im still payin off now..

its a really bad drug to get into and its to hard to get over aswel..

the side affects it has on u..

u wudnt believe..

if she does get off it you really need to help her.. she'll hit rock bottom for abit and i mean the bottom.. then one day.. she'll wake upand feel like the world is the best place in the world..

if she does it alot like i did..

the depression only lasted about 7days with me then i felt great..

but she'll get all paronoid as if every1s watching her e.c.t

you can always tell if someone has a probablem when that starts..

just keep a close eye on her..

you wont be able to get her off it.. but knowing that your there will help her alot.. xx