Leaving my husband

[julip]

Married for three years to a very decent, good man with whom I have a 2 year old. We started drifting apart several months ago (I was working and going to school and staying up late at night to catch up on school work) and ended up having an emotional affair (didn't get physical) with a co-worker.

 

Prior to spending less and less free time with one another, we were having some problems as the birth of our child had led us to neglect our relationship and focus too much on her rather than each other. Add in all the usual resentment for being the primary caregiver and biological destiny of males vs. females (eternally sleep deprived and nursing the baby up until recently) plus not living near any immediate family or friends (we moved for to a small town his job and we both disliked this small, rural town immensely) and I see now why the breeding ground was ripe for discontent.

 

Anyway, the emotional affair is over (although I continue to work with this person peacefully) and I do not want to pursue that at this point. I also do not want to seek marriage counselling because I do not in my heart feel that I want to reconcile with my husband. I care for him deeply but I simply don't want to try anymore (which is utterly confusing and hurtful to my husband), and I'm not sure why I don't/can't try.

 

He wants me to seek therapy (an idea to which I am open; under all the relationship stress and moving once again, I had slashed my wrists several weeks ago) but I feel that he thinks my going to therapy would somehow deliver me back to him. I would like to go to therapy to deal with a eating disorder (which I only revealed to him recently) that I've struggled with for more than 10 years and some sexual abuse that happened when I was a child.

 

Also, I adopted my husband's religion when we met and at the time I felt it was truly because it felt right to me and not because I wanted to be a more desirable mate for him. However, since things have been falling apart, I feel as if God has completely abandoned me. I have prayed intensely for God to open my heart to my husband and restore our marriage, but nothing has happened. The end result seems to be that I simply no longer want to live the rest of my life with him. I cannot bring myself to go to church anymore - it does not provide me any solace.

 

One thing that has comforted me is returning to my home state. I have had the occasion to visit there and being someplace familiar makes me feel safe from the chaos of late. I would very much like to move back to my home state, however, I have no idea how to bring this up to him. At this point, he has so much to deal with already, that I feel that this might anger him.

 

I guess I'm posting here because I would like to find anyone who has advice or experience with a gentle, amicable separation/divorce. I will always respect and care for him and would like to spare him as much hurt as possible. While he has done nothing "wrong", he cannot "win" me back. I feel that the fault lies entirely with me, but I don't believe that counselling will work, especially if I don't want it to.

 

Any advice or comments are appreciated. Thanks for your time.

[amaysngrace]

Whew..you are in such a bad place right now. I'm sorry for what you're going through. I agree with your husband about therapy. I don't know if he's looking for you to be delivered to him, or hoping for you to be delivered to yourself. Eating disorders are so hard to deal with. I would suggest a psychotherapist/nutritionist.

 

It's really hard to know what you want really because this thing has become such a part of who you are. And it's hard to give that up once you've lived with it for so long. But it can be done.

 

If I were you I wouldn't make any major decisions until you address and receive help with the ED. It can really change your whole perspective on things. No matter what changes you make, maritally or geographically, happiness isn't going to be found until you take care of this first.

[Reckless]

I would agree with grace - you really are not in a position to make any major decisions at the moment.

 

Re-read your post - really take stock of how much you're carrying.. the desire to put some of it down must be overwhelming but recognise too that the easiest thing to drop may not be the thing that is really weighing you down; it may just be the easiest thing/person to off load. Like emptying your water bottle in the desert because your arms are hurting when the heat is on we don't always think clearly...

 

You need to slowly try and get rid of the weights that will kill ya, get the help you need (definitely professional help) for YOU not necessarily for your marriage, get some support find some help, do not go under.

 

Talk to your husband, if he's your friend as well as your partner he will understand that your priorities have to be to be sound in body and mind and he'll give you the time (and it will take time) that you need; only then can you really look and see if your partner is someone you need to leave or if he is someone that can share the burden.

 

As it is, if he is kind and patient and gives you the support you need stay where you are at least for a while....

[Chinook]

I would like to add to the posts above that I've been where you are. I didn't have ED but I did have a very significant critical illness. Following it I became clinically depressed - was diagnosed and treated. I think if you visit your Doctor and talk to him about it, you will find that maybe you're fighting clinical depression - it may even be late post-partum depression (I'm not sure about that) or it could be due to the trauma of moving. But some of the symptoms you describe, lack of interest in things, slashng your wrists and feeling a low sense of self worth - these are all symptoms that mentally you are stressed beyond what you can cope with. It is nothing to be ashamed about. If your heart couldn't cope with how much exercise you asked it to do, it would fail. If your lungs couldn't cope with how much air you needed to shift due to the exercise, again your lungs would fail. The brain is no different. If your brain is asked to cope with too much, it will make it's own defense mechanisms and feeling emotionally shut down and closed off from yur husband is a classic sign that this is happening. I know this because it happened to me. I'm not saying that you will magically switch your feelings towards your husband back on - but of you tried therapy and saw your Doctor for treatment... I'm betting that is what would happen.

 

Please listen to me. I did what you are doing now. I pushed my partner away because of the things we went through. I made him pay for the distance we had both created and I was angry with him for not doing what I thought he should when I was sick. I was angry. Yes of course I was. But did I stop loving him...? If you had asked me at the time, I would have said "yes" but no one asked and I didn't question myself. With therapy and Prozac (doesn't work for everyone but it did for me) I discovered that all my feelings and where I was... had been masked. My brain had simply shut down to protect me from the amount of stress I was under.

 

The problem was... because I had pushed my partner away... by the time I stopped being angry and stopped hurting and started really thinking about what I wanted and needed... he had moved on and is now with someone else. I was simply too late. The sad thing is too, that he loved me like no other - says he still does. But there is no going back and he's on another path now.

 

Please just talk with your Doctor and get help for you to help you figure this out. Don't walk away from your husband just yet... it may well be a mistake.