Guest Posted August 10, 2006 Share Posted August 10, 2006 My SO is pressuring me to make a decision. He has asked me to marry him and I am dragging my feet with the answer. I do want to be with him but don’t ‘want to get engaged at this time until I sort some things out. First of all my grandmother is in the hospital basically dying from pneumonia, suffering from ALtheimers and a bedsore. So I’m not in the greatest emotional shape the last few weeks. My SO proposed to me about two months ago and I haven’t given him an answer yet. Just said I needed time to think, HE wants to get engaged now but not married for another two years or so. He said there is no way he will get married right away (we’ve been dating for 2 years) becusae he “wants to make sure it will work out”. So I don’t’ see the rush to get engaged and tell everyone if we wont’ even get married for another two years. I’ve asked him why he’s in such a rush to get engaged and he says neither of us is getting any younger- he is 30 with a 7 yr old boy. I am 27. Yeah real old huh! I keep putting him off. Its not that I want to be with someone else its just I’m not ready for an engagement. I take it seriously and think it’s a waste of time if you are not even going to think about getting married for 2 years!! When I do get engaged I want to be engaged for maybe six months to a year before the wedding. That’s it. I was engaged to another SO for 3 years and we never got married. So maybe that has something to do with it. Also while I treasure my SO he is not the most responsible guy on the planet. He lives with his mom and dad and they pay his bills (food, tv, electric, heat etc) he just pays for his car insurance and car payment and to go out and party once in awhile. I think if we lived together he would expect me to be like his ‘mommy and daddy” and pay the bills. He says no and he gets mad when I suggest this and says he cant’ imagine why I would think this. Right now I do a lot for his little boy, buy him clothes, take him out places because my SO can’t really afford it. He has a decent job just never saves any money. He lives paycheck to paycheck. I know someone ‘s net worth shouldn’t’ be a factor in getting married but its really his irresponsibility that irritates me. Also the fact that he is pressuring me with this stupid thing right as I am in the middle of a family crisis. Its like his needs always come before MY feelings and just last night after I visited my grandmother at the hospital (and was very upset) he starts up on this engagement thing and tells me that he’s not sticking around forever and that I need to be serious and make my mind up. Its not like our relationship would change if we got engaged so I don’t know what the big deal is! I’m more upset that he is demanding an answer and basically giving me an ultimatum. First am I ok to feel this way or am I over reacting? And 2nd why is he doing this! I read about guys who wont’ commit and now mine is driving my crazy because he’s trying to force ME to commit. Its like he has this “ME ME ME" attitude. Link to post Share on other sites
john1776 Posted August 10, 2006 Share Posted August 10, 2006 I think alot of women would be happy in your position because this guy is eager to commit to you. There's too many women in the "getting married" section posting the opposite problem. That is their boyfriends have not proposed. You need to find a man who is not so eager to get engaged anytime soon and there's lots of them out there. I am one of them. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted August 11, 2006 Share Posted August 11, 2006 I'm guessing he's insecure, which is why he wants to 'lock down' your decision. He might be sensing that you have been getting irritated with him lately, and that could be making him feel as though you might leave him. I think you're perfectly right to tell him you need more time to decide. If I were you, I'd take a good looong, realistic look at who he is, because he's not likely to change in the future. People rarely make fundamental changes in who they are. If you can already see what your future might be like - you playing the caretaker role and with maybe constant disagreements about finances and other responsibilities - it won't get any easier when you're married and have goals...a home, children of your own. Link to post Share on other sites
john1776 Posted August 11, 2006 Share Posted August 11, 2006 I'm guessing he's insecure, which is why he wants to 'lock down' your decision. He might be sensing that you have been getting irritated with him lately, and that could be making him feel as though you might leave him. I think you're perfectly right to tell him you need more time to decide. If I were you, I'd take a good looong, realistic look at who he is, because he's not likely to change in the future. People rarely make fundamental changes in who they are. If you can already see what your future might be like - you playing the caretaker role and with maybe constant disagreements about finances and other responsibilities - it won't get any easier when you're married and have goals...a home, children of your own. I sense a double standard here. If the woman was acting the same way this man was and being persistant about marriage nobody would think that she's being insecure. Link to post Share on other sites
kbah Posted August 11, 2006 Share Posted August 11, 2006 But she's not acting the same way as him...so there is no double standard. SOoo who cares? Let's not bring up random issues. Let's help HER out. I can foresee this being me in a year! My bf talks about getting married a lot and I am just not ready to commit to ANYTHING like that. He says he's "saving for the future" but then buys thousands of dollars in music equipment for himself and other things. He also lives with his parents and relies on them A LOT (as do I on my parents) but I'M not the one saying that I am ready to get married. Some people are more likely to jump into commitments. Those are the ones that seem unable to stick to these promises. Marriage is not a "on-a-whim" decision and I think you have an excellent outlook on the situation and seem to be handling this (your family stuff/ the relationship) well beside the point. Let me ask you this: If it was not for your ill grandmother, would you have said yes??? It sounds to me like maybe you COULD marry him but you are just not ready yet and you think he is not either. That is fine. Maybe tell him "Um, try again next time." haha no im kidding. But maybe tell him to chill a bit and let the relationship roll and take some time apart/together to reflect. How old is he, by the way???? L Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted August 11, 2006 Share Posted August 11, 2006 I sense a double standard here. If the woman was acting the same way this man was and being persistant about marriage nobody would think that she's being insecure. This: HE wants to get engaged now but not married for another two years or so. He said there is no way he will get married right away (we’ve been dating for 2 years) becusae he “wants to make sure it will work out” and this: just last night after I visited my grandmother at the hospital (and was very upset) he starts up on this engagement thing is what makes me think he is insecure...so insecure that he can't even be sensitive to her stress while her grandmother is ill to leave her alone aobut this right now. Link to post Share on other sites
john1776 Posted August 11, 2006 Share Posted August 11, 2006 I live on my own and even I'm not ready to get married. Now some would call me a commitmentphobe. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted August 11, 2006 Share Posted August 11, 2006 I live on my own and even I'm not ready to get married. Now some would call me a commitmentphobe. Well, this thread isn't about you, is it? Link to post Share on other sites
john1776 Posted August 11, 2006 Share Posted August 11, 2006 Well, this thread isn't about you, is it? withdrew post Link to post Share on other sites
kbah Posted August 11, 2006 Share Posted August 11, 2006 HA! nice catch, Norajane. Where's the OP?! Link to post Share on other sites
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