What'd I do???

[Stuck]

Hi all,

 

I wrote in a few weeks ago about this super nice guy I'd met who'd just broken up with his longterm girlfriend a couple of months ago.

 

All was going swimmingly. We hung out a lot, even did one long road trip during a blizzard that he had to do for work. Went ice skating. Saw movies. Cooked dinner. Had some laughs, spent the night together a couple of times (but just snuggled). He constantly initiated contact. Never spoke of the ex except for once or twice, and it was just in the context of stories of things that had happened in the past. He never once pulled the old "my ex would have done..." bla bla bla. Total gentleman - door opener, paid the bill unless I insisted, left me sweet messages on my phone when I wasn't home, even helped me do some stuff around my apartment that require a guy's help. I was on cloud nine - no, I was beyond that - cloud ten, if not eleven! He told me he really liked me; I didn't say anything. I'm not the most talented at verbal communication, plus I was terribly worried that I was just the rebound girl. Also I think if I had started talking I would have said something the equivalent of "you are the greatest thing since sliced bread" and he'd have headed for the hills.

 

Anyway, I dunno what on earth happened. New Year's was fun, nothing special, and he seemed a bit depressed the day after. He had said he wasn't looking forward to New Year's eve, but he bought us tickets to some event that his friends were going to. I had fun enough - I had low expectations anyway. Afterwards we met up with some of my friends at a different party, and I thought it was a good night.

 

Anyway, new year's day we were kind of sitting around and I put one of my few movies into the VCR, since it has a new year's theme - when harry met sally. He didn't know the movie, and he seemed to really like it.

 

Well, we parted company a couple of hours later and I haven't heard a word from him since. I have no idea what I did wrong. I assume nothing, but I'm a bit upset about this and probably analyzing too much (which is where my true talent lies) - I dunno, did he read too much into the film? Is he just sick of me? He certainly didn't seem to be!! My girfriends laughed in horror when I told them I showed him that movie and said I scared him off. I didn't mean anything by it, I just think it's a funny film! My guy friends say he's just scared in general because things moved too fast, but geesh, I wasn't the one initiating it. Another guy friend has some work with him and says he's really busy at work...but last week I was hearing from him 3 times a day anyway. So obviously he just doesn't want to talk to me. But why?

 

I'm not into games - I sent him a message last night asking him how he is and I just got back some dismissive message that he's fine and watching tv.

 

I hate trying to strategise this, I'd rather just call him up and ask him what's going on, but EVERYONE has told me to just play it cool and not contact him AT ALL.

 

This is so childish, isn't it? I'm not asking anyone to try to guess why he's avoiding me, but I'm not sure how to handle it. Should I just leave him alone? I have other fish in the sea, but I really did like this one...

[raven]

Well,

 

It doesnt appear you did anything. I have seen situations like this before. It appears that he has had a change of plans. Maybe he is taking a few days to himself to reflect on 2001, hell, maybe hes just changed his mind, but I dont blame you for being overly analytical. Men confuse me all the time, for example, why go through all the motions of wooing a woman when you have no long term intentions???

 

MOST men (not all) seem to be very gun shy when it comes to a relationship, but I wouldnt call, if you have other fish floating around, I would go for one of them. Im sorry your going through this, but I can totally relate to how you feel........

 

Raven

Hi all, I wrote in a few weeks ago about this super nice guy I'd met who'd just broken up with his longterm girlfriend a couple of months ago. All was going swimmingly. We hung out a lot, even did one long road trip during a blizzard that he had to do for work. Went ice skating. Saw movies. Cooked dinner. Had some laughs, spent the night together a couple of times (but just snuggled). He constantly initiated contact. Never spoke of the ex except for once or twice, and it was just in the context of stories of things that had happened in the past. He never once pulled the old "my ex would have done..." bla bla bla. Total gentleman - door opener, paid the bill unless I insisted, left me sweet messages on my phone when I wasn't home, even helped me do some stuff around my apartment that require a guy's help. I was on cloud nine - no, I was beyond that - cloud ten, if not eleven! He told me he really liked me; I didn't say anything. I'm not the most talented at verbal communication, plus I was terribly worried that I was just the rebound girl. Also I think if I had started talking I would have said something the equivalent of "you are the greatest thing since sliced bread" and he'd have headed for the hills.

 

Anyway, I dunno what on earth happened. New Year's was fun, nothing special, and he seemed a bit depressed the day after. He had said he wasn't looking forward to New Year's eve, but he bought us tickets to some event that his friends were going to. I had fun enough - I had low expectations anyway. Afterwards we met up with some of my friends at a different party, and I thought it was a good night. Anyway, new year's day we were kind of sitting around and I put one of my few movies into the VCR, since it has a new year's theme - when harry met sally. He didn't know the movie, and he seemed to really like it. Well, we parted company a couple of hours later and I haven't heard a word from him since. I have no idea what I did wrong. I assume nothing, but I'm a bit upset about this and probably analyzing too much (which is where my true talent lies) - I dunno, did he read too much into the film? Is he just sick of me? He certainly didn't seem to be!! My girfriends laughed in horror when I told them I showed him that movie and said I scared him off. I didn't mean anything by it, I just think it's a funny film! My guy friends say he's just scared in general because things moved too fast, but geesh, I wasn't the one initiating it. Another guy friend has some work with him and says he's really busy at work...but last week I was hearing from him 3 times a day anyway. So obviously he just doesn't want to talk to me. But why? I'm not into games - I sent him a message last night asking him how he is and I just got back some dismissive message that he's fine and watching tv. I hate trying to strategise this, I'd rather just call him up and ask him what's going on, but EVERYONE has told me to just play it cool and not contact him AT ALL. This is so childish, isn't it? I'm not asking anyone to try to guess why he's avoiding me, but I'm not sure how to handle it. Should I just leave him alone? I have other fish in the sea, but I really did like this one...

[taty]

I could not say what to do because I over analyze as well. But I think I would keep it cool. Maybe he is scared because he did just get out of another relationaship. Everybody needs time and he may not be ready. Think that over.

Hi all, I wrote in a few weeks ago about this super nice guy I'd met who'd just broken up with his longterm girlfriend a couple of months ago. All was going swimmingly. We hung out a lot, even did one long road trip during a blizzard that he had to do for work. Went ice skating. Saw movies. Cooked dinner. Had some laughs, spent the night together a couple of times (but just snuggled). He constantly initiated contact. Never spoke of the ex except for once or twice, and it was just in the context of stories of things that had happened in the past. He never once pulled the old "my ex would have done..." bla bla bla. Total gentleman - door opener, paid the bill unless I insisted, left me sweet messages on my phone when I wasn't home, even helped me do some stuff around my apartment that require a guy's help. I was on cloud nine - no, I was beyond that - cloud ten, if not eleven! He told me he really liked me; I didn't say anything. I'm not the most talented at verbal communication, plus I was terribly worried that I was just the rebound girl. Also I think if I had started talking I would have said something the equivalent of "you are the greatest thing since sliced bread" and he'd have headed for the hills.

 

Anyway, I dunno what on earth happened. New Year's was fun, nothing special, and he seemed a bit depressed the day after. He had said he wasn't looking forward to New Year's eve, but he bought us tickets to some event that his friends were going to. I had fun enough - I had low expectations anyway. Afterwards we met up with some of my friends at a different party, and I thought it was a good night. Anyway, new year's day we were kind of sitting around and I put one of my few movies into the VCR, since it has a new year's theme - when harry met sally. He didn't know the movie, and he seemed to really like it. Well, we parted company a couple of hours later and I haven't heard a word from him since. I have no idea what I did wrong. I assume nothing, but I'm a bit upset about this and probably analyzing too much (which is where my true talent lies) - I dunno, did he read too much into the film? Is he just sick of me? He certainly didn't seem to be!! My girfriends laughed in horror when I told them I showed him that movie and said I scared him off. I didn't mean anything by it, I just think it's a funny film! My guy friends say he's just scared in general because things moved too fast, but geesh, I wasn't the one initiating it. Another guy friend has some work with him and says he's really busy at work...but last week I was hearing from him 3 times a day anyway. So obviously he just doesn't want to talk to me. But why? I'm not into games - I sent him a message last night asking him how he is and I just got back some dismissive message that he's fine and watching tv. I hate trying to strategise this, I'd rather just call him up and ask him what's going on, but EVERYONE has told me to just play it cool and not contact him AT ALL. This is so childish, isn't it? I'm not asking anyone to try to guess why he's avoiding me, but I'm not sure how to handle it. Should I just leave him alone? I have other fish in the sea, but I really did like this one...

[yes]

Hey!

 

I'd say - play it cool. U contacted him once - nuff, now his turn ... dont think about it too much, the relnship is new so ... just go about yr life ... date some other fish, why not. This guy is very new, he's not worth a total focus yet...

 

Just my opinion!

 

PS Im in a similar situation of a guy cooling off suddenly, ive thought about it quite a bit, and decided to just take it easy. hell knows why he needs time. just let it flow, ya know? if it's meant to be, it will...

 

Best of luck.

Hi all, I wrote in a few weeks ago about this super nice guy I'd met who'd just broken up with his longterm girlfriend a couple of months ago. All was going swimmingly. We hung out a lot, even did one long road trip during a blizzard that he had to do for work. Went ice skating. Saw movies. Cooked dinner. Had some laughs, spent the night together a couple of times (but just snuggled). He constantly initiated contact. Never spoke of the ex except for once or twice, and it was just in the context of stories of things that had happened in the past. He never once pulled the old "my ex would have done..." bla bla bla. Total gentleman - door opener, paid the bill unless I insisted, left me sweet messages on my phone when I wasn't home, even helped me do some stuff around my apartment that require a guy's help. I was on cloud nine - no, I was beyond that - cloud ten, if not eleven! He told me he really liked me; I didn't say anything. I'm not the most talented at verbal communication, plus I was terribly worried that I was just the rebound girl. Also I think if I had started talking I would have said something the equivalent of "you are the greatest thing since sliced bread" and he'd have headed for the hills.

 

Anyway, I dunno what on earth happened. New Year's was fun, nothing special, and he seemed a bit depressed the day after. He had said he wasn't looking forward to New Year's eve, but he bought us tickets to some event that his friends were going to. I had fun enough - I had low expectations anyway. Afterwards we met up with some of my friends at a different party, and I thought it was a good night. Anyway, new year's day we were kind of sitting around and I put one of my few movies into the VCR, since it has a new year's theme - when harry met sally. He didn't know the movie, and he seemed to really like it. Well, we parted company a couple of hours later and I haven't heard a word from him since. I have no idea what I did wrong. I assume nothing, but I'm a bit upset about this and probably analyzing too much (which is where my true talent lies) - I dunno, did he read too much into the film? Is he just sick of me? He certainly didn't seem to be!! My girfriends laughed in horror when I told them I showed him that movie and said I scared him off. I didn't mean anything by it, I just think it's a funny film! My guy friends say he's just scared in general because things moved too fast, but geesh, I wasn't the one initiating it. Another guy friend has some work with him and says he's really busy at work...but last week I was hearing from him 3 times a day anyway. So obviously he just doesn't want to talk to me. But why? I'm not into games - I sent him a message last night asking him how he is and I just got back some dismissive message that he's fine and watching tv. I hate trying to strategise this, I'd rather just call him up and ask him what's going on, but EVERYONE has told me to just play it cool and not contact him AT ALL. This is so childish, isn't it? I'm not asking anyone to try to guess why he's avoiding me, but I'm not sure how to handle it. Should I just leave him alone? I have other fish in the sea, but I really did like this one...

[BeenThere]

Since you have already taken the initiative to contact him and received a "dismissive" response, I wouldn't push the issue any further. If you don't like head-games, than don't play them. Sometimes the "need-to-know-why" can drive us to push things further than we ever would if we standing outside our own situation and thinking rationally. Needing to have someone ELSE put closure on the relationship rather than finding the strength to do it yourself, will only lead to actions that will make you seem foolish, desparate and needy. SURE...you deserve some kind of explanation, but demanding one...or making a nusiance of yourself until he breaks down and gives you one...will certainly do nothing for your self esteem.

 

You said it yourself: "I didn't do anything wrong." And I agree with you that. Obviously this guy has his reasons...his doubts...his fears, however unjustified. Maybe if given the space and time to sort through all of this, he will come to the conclusion that he's being irrational. Than, if he DOES decide to contact you again, I would advise you aire on the side of **caution**.

 

Is this flighty individual really someone you want to be involved in a relationship with????? Sounds like a whole lot of work to me...

 

Hi all, I wrote in a few weeks ago about this super nice guy I'd met who'd just broken up with his longterm girlfriend a couple of months ago. All was going swimmingly. We hung out a lot, even did one long road trip during a blizzard that he had to do for work. Went ice skating. Saw movies. Cooked dinner. Had some laughs, spent the night together a couple of times (but just snuggled). He constantly initiated contact. Never spoke of the ex except for once or twice, and it was just in the context of stories of things that had happened in the past. He never once pulled the old "my ex would have done..." bla bla bla. Total gentleman - door opener, paid the bill unless I insisted, left me sweet messages on my phone when I wasn't home, even helped me do some stuff around my apartment that require a guy's help. I was on cloud nine - no, I was beyond that - cloud ten, if not eleven! He told me he really liked me; I didn't say anything. I'm not the most talented at verbal communication, plus I was terribly worried that I was just the rebound girl. Also I think if I had started talking I would have said something the equivalent of "you are the greatest thing since sliced bread" and he'd have headed for the hills.

 

Anyway, I dunno what on earth happened. New Year's was fun, nothing special, and he seemed a bit depressed the day after. He had said he wasn't looking forward to New Year's eve, but he bought us tickets to some event that his friends were going to. I had fun enough - I had low expectations anyway. Afterwards we met up with some of my friends at a different party, and I thought it was a good night. Anyway, new year's day we were kind of sitting around and I put one of my few movies into the VCR, since it has a new year's theme - when harry met sally. He didn't know the movie, and he seemed to really like it. Well, we parted company a couple of hours later and I haven't heard a word from him since. I have no idea what I did wrong. I assume nothing, but I'm a bit upset about this and probably analyzing too much (which is where my true talent lies) - I dunno, did he read too much into the film? Is he just sick of me? He certainly didn't seem to be!! My girfriends laughed in horror when I told them I showed him that movie and said I scared him off. I didn't mean anything by it, I just think it's a funny film! My guy friends say he's just scared in general because things moved too fast, but geesh, I wasn't the one initiating it. Another guy friend has some work with him and says he's really busy at work...but last week I was hearing from him 3 times a day anyway. So obviously he just doesn't want to talk to me. But why? I'm not into games - I sent him a message last night asking him how he is and I just got back some dismissive message that he's fine and watching tv. I hate trying to strategise this, I'd rather just call him up and ask him what's going on, but EVERYONE has told me to just play it cool and not contact him AT ALL. This is so childish, isn't it? I'm not asking anyone to try to guess why he's avoiding me, but I'm not sure how to handle it. Should I just leave him alone? I have other fish in the sea, but I really did like this one...

[Alex]

Stuck,

 

Looks like all of your responses are coming from women, well here is my point of view. If this is the first new years hes spending without his ex it's pretty difficult specially if he's not a very strong person. I've lost my girlfriend of 6 years, 5 years ago and every girl I've dated I seem to always step back. Give him some time and dont pressure him at all, or this would cause a lot of problems, what he needs is someone who could understand him right now and soon you'll notice he'll be opening up to you. But I know it's hard on your part to be doing all the work but if this guy is the nicest guy in the world it would be very good for you. Good luck and stay strong...Alex

Hi all, I wrote in a few weeks ago about this super nice guy I'd met who'd just broken up with his longterm girlfriend a couple of months ago. All was going swimmingly. We hung out a lot, even did one long road trip during a blizzard that he had to do for work. Went ice skating. Saw movies. Cooked dinner. Had some laughs, spent the night together a couple of times (but just snuggled). He constantly initiated contact. Never spoke of the ex except for once or twice, and it was just in the context of stories of things that had happened in the past. He never once pulled the old "my ex would have done..." bla bla bla. Total gentleman - door opener, paid the bill unless I insisted, left me sweet messages on my phone when I wasn't home, even helped me do some stuff around my apartment that require a guy's help. I was on cloud nine - no, I was beyond that - cloud ten, if not eleven! He told me he really liked me; I didn't say anything. I'm not the most talented at verbal communication, plus I was terribly worried that I was just the rebound girl. Also I think if I had started talking I would have said something the equivalent of "you are the greatest thing since sliced bread" and he'd have headed for the hills.

 

Anyway, I dunno what on earth happened. New Year's was fun, nothing special, and he seemed a bit depressed the day after. He had said he wasn't looking forward to New Year's eve, but he bought us tickets to some event that his friends were going to. I had fun enough - I had low expectations anyway. Afterwards we met up with some of my friends at a different party, and I thought it was a good night. Anyway, new year's day we were kind of sitting around and I put one of my few movies into the VCR, since it has a new year's theme - when harry met sally. He didn't know the movie, and he seemed to really like it. Well, we parted company a couple of hours later and I haven't heard a word from him since. I have no idea what I did wrong. I assume nothing, but I'm a bit upset about this and probably analyzing too much (which is where my true talent lies) - I dunno, did he read too much into the film? Is he just sick of me? He certainly didn't seem to be!! My girfriends laughed in horror when I told them I showed him that movie and said I scared him off. I didn't mean anything by it, I just think it's a funny film! My guy friends say he's just scared in general because things moved too fast, but geesh, I wasn't the one initiating it. Another guy friend has some work with him and says he's really busy at work...but last week I was hearing from him 3 times a day anyway. So obviously he just doesn't want to talk to me. But why? I'm not into games - I sent him a message last night asking him how he is and I just got back some dismissive message that he's fine and watching tv. I hate trying to strategise this, I'd rather just call him up and ask him what's going on, but EVERYONE has told me to just play it cool and not contact him AT ALL. This is so childish, isn't it? I'm not asking anyone to try to guess why he's avoiding me, but I'm not sure how to handle it. Should I just leave him alone? I have other fish in the sea, but I really did like this one...

[Noah]

Sorry to be the one to break this to you but it sounds to me like he is still not over his ex and doesn't want to hurt you. He is probably comparing you to her in his mind and while on the surface all is great, inside he is probably still torn up about the ex. I realize this is probably not what you want to hear but you are best doing one of two things. The way I see it, you really have nothing to loose so you could either call him and try to reason it out with him in a rational way without getting defensive or judgemental or you could just move on and hope he realizes what he is missing out on. He is probably damaged goods at this point...we romantic types have a really hard time getting over past loves. I hope this helps.

[Lilly]

Goes back to that unconcious stuff happening Stuck... thinks he's ready logically but emotionally he isn't, not by a long shot, that's coming out now. You really deserve better than to be his rebound girl.

 

Best wishes

[Stuck]

Thank you, everyone, for your responses. It seems the more time goes by, the worse I feel about this. When I talk to my friends about this, and tell them all the things we did and stuff he said to me, they say it went wayyyy too fast. Now I just feel kind of sad. I understand that he threw me into the position of his girlfriend just in order to not be alone for the holidays. Of course I ate it up, who wouldn't? It was heavenly. But all the while, he was just avoiding dealing with the pain of his break up.

 

I'm going about my business as usual, but my mind is fixated on this. I am sitting here right now trying to work up the nerve to call him and just say, 'Hey, I've noticed you haven't been in contact, is everything ok?' In fact, I'm even sort of in the mood to tell him I had a lovely Christmas with him, and just leave it at that. I'm not angry, and I certainly would not be aggresive on the phone. I also realise I haven't done anything wrong (some of my guy friends are convinced I should have slept with him - but blech - if that's the only reason he'd be with me then I don't need him). I'd just really like to know what's up. I'm so nonconfrontational though that it's difficult for me to even pick up the phone to do this.

[Stuck]

Hi everyone!

 

When last I wrote, I was trying to work up the nerve to call the guy (who may be on the rebound) who had woo-ed me non-stop for over two weeks and then vanished from the radar screen for several days.

 

I took a deep breath and dialled. He answered and sounded delighted to hear from me. We talked for 10 minutes or so, and he filled me in on what he'd been up to and asked me all about stuff that he remembered had been going on in my life since the last time we'd spoken. He suggested we meet up this week and said he'd give me a call. I wanted to ask him why he'd been so silent, but since he seemed so "normal" when I called that I let it go. I also didn't want to seem pushy or possessive.

 

The very next day, I got a job interview for a fairly interesting position. The personnel woman emailed me the job description - and I realised from it that I would be in charge of exactly this guy. Not directly, but he does some contract work for this place, and I'd be responsible for him.

 

Well, at this point I just laughed out loud and sent him an email telling him the obvious perk of this job would be that I'd be his new boss (obvious jovial tone, I think). He wrote back "no offense, but I don't like that very much!". I wrote back: Ok. You're fired!

 

Hm. Well, I meant it like a joke - but I haven't heard from him since.

 

Now I've just gotten invited to a party on Friday night that he's very likely going to be attending as well...this is so ridiculous. A guy friend invited me to the party knowing that this guy is probably going to be there. I don't feel comfortable with this as it's like I'm stalking him.

 

This has become like a wound I can't stop picking at. I store it at the back of my mind and when I have time, I just think and think about it. When I do finally see him again, I'll probably do something frightening because I've been pondering this so much. I just want to know what on earth happened. Or is his silence all the answer I need?

 

I'm not usually so focused on one person after such a short time, but I was really intensely happy for that brief time. I'm also going out of the country soon so I won't be able to do any damage for a few weeks. Any suggestions? Should I skip the party? Go and be friendly? Go and blow him off? Confront him and make him 'fess up about why he's silent?

[Tony T]

Email him again and let him know you were joking about him being fired. I have learned from experience there are lots of people on the Internet either with NO sense of humor at all...or they are just too feeble minded to understand another's sense of humor.

 

Use the words "your fired" very, very sparingly in your life's journey. If in your new position you have to terminate someone, do it in such a way that they are delighted to leave. Consult the personnel department for pointers on this.

 

The words "your fired" are very much feared among homo sapiens. I think hearing that is a deep fear of many people so only the very secure and rational people would get any humorous meaning out of that or react in a positive way. Being the very secure and rational person (as well as humble) that I am, I found your email to him very funny.

 

Send the mail, go to the party, be nice to him...if he ignores you, don't feel bad...just move about as if he wasn't there. If he is so closed minded that he can't accept your explanation, then you ought to just FIRE HIM for real. He sounds like a real dud.

 

Glad you had a great time with him but aren't you lucky that you may have found out how inflexible he is so soon and avoided a year or two of courting to find it out.

 

You're a lucky lady!!!

[Stuck]

Oh, hang on, I think my message was misleading. I don't have the job yet; I haven't even had the interview yet, and he knows that. So my email was totally just a joke. The point is not that he's ignoring me since I joked about firing him, it's that he's ignoring me in general since New Year's day, although he was friendly the one time I initiated contact last week.

 

Actually, though, Tony, it didn't even cross my mind that he would take that email seriously....my reaction to his silence is that he's just unhappy about potentially having a cool chick he's just dicked over as his employer.

 

However, since the message was in English and we're not in an English speaking country, maybe I do need to make sure he knew I was joking, although we hadn't had a clash of senses of humor or language issues in the past. But honestly I'm already tired of initiating all the contact here.

 

And I don't feel like much of a lucky lady.

 

=(

[midori]

Dear Stuck,

 

This guy sounds a whole lot like my ex boyfriend! You're not by any chance British are you? And he? Just kidding.

 

Seriously, I'm sure it's not my ex who's got you hooked but he sounds similar: hot and cold. Very nice, gentlemanly, considerate, and he gives every sign of being interested but then, mysteriously, disappears. Polite and sounding happy to hear from you when you initiate contact, but not doing so himself. Ah yes, that's very familiar territory for me.

 

I read your earlier post and I think you've got the analysis right: you were a nice distraction for the holidays. Whatever his issues are (not over his ex, not wanting a relationship at the moment, secret CIA operative) he's letting them come before whatever he feels for you. There is nothing you can do about this, and this is nothing you should have to bother with anyway. You sound like a lovely person with a lot going for her. This guy knows how great you are and if he can't get his act together to pursue you like a normal person, then he doesn't deserve your time & attention. He doesn't deserve it. No matter what his issues are. No matter how sincere he seems when he's interacting with you. He's messing up. If he wants to recover, it's alllll up to him.

 

Besides, would you want to date some guy who couldn't accept you having professional authority over him? Who the heck is he to tell you he "doesn't like that very much" -- as if that's something you ought to bear in mind? If your line about firing him was a mistake, his comment was doubly so. New job or him? I'd take the new job (if it's offered. And good luck by the way).

 

Apologize if you like but realize that this guy already owes you a couple of apologies. Don't forget that by making excuses for him. Why should you?

 

Go to the party. Speak to him or not as it pleases you but don't let him get away with bad behavior that you wouldn't tolerate from someone you aren't attracted to.

[Stuck]

Dear Midori,

 

Thanks for your response, I enjoy reading your posts. I think I'm not even going to bother to clarify my little missive about firing him. Earlier, he'd have written back immediately to find out himself if I was joking or not. Now he's just not responding. Where is it going to end? First I'll write to say it was just a joke, then after he doesn't respond I'll write again to ask if he got the message?

 

Anyhow, I just had some friends over to my place, and one guy stuck around late (very late, actually, as it's 3:30)(FYI, a Brit). I am still trying to understand where this came from, but we ended up standing in the hallway kissing just before he left. This was someone I was interested in vaguely before I met the Christmas guy (FYI eastern european, so hopefully not CIA). And do you know what? As I was standing there smootching the Brit, I was thinking about the one who just jerked me around.

 

My God, now *I'm* on the rebound!!! I should be delighted about this, and instead I think the Brit left wondering if I liked him or not, which, in theory, I do. It's good I'm leaving the country for a bit. I need a break.

 

G'night, and thanks again.

 

Dear Stuck, This guy sounds a whole lot like my ex boyfriend! You're not by any chance British are you? And he? Just kidding. Seriously, I'm sure it's not my ex who's got you hooked but he sounds similar: hot and cold. Very nice, gentlemanly, considerate, and he gives every sign of being interested but then, mysteriously, disappears. Polite and sounding happy to hear from you when you initiate contact, but not doing so himself. Ah yes, that's very familiar territory for me. I read your earlier post and I think you've got the analysis right: you were a nice distraction for the holidays. Whatever his issues are (not over his ex, not wanting a relationship at the moment, secret CIA operative) he's letting them come before whatever he feels for you. There is nothing you can do about this, and this is nothing you should have to bother with anyway. You sound like a lovely person with a lot going for her. This guy knows how great you are and if he can't get his act together to pursue you like a normal person, then he doesn't deserve your time & attention. He doesn't deserve it. No matter what his issues are. No matter how sincere he seems when he's interacting with you. He's messing up. If he wants to recover, it's alllll up to him.

 

Besides, would you want to date some guy who couldn't accept you having professional authority over him? Who the heck is he to tell you he "doesn't like that very much" -- as if that's something you ought to bear in mind? If your line about firing him was a mistake, his comment was doubly so. New job or him? I'd take the new job (if it's offered. And good luck by the way). Apologize if you like but realize that this guy already owes you a couple of apologies. Don't forget that by making excuses for him. Why should you? Go to the party. Speak to him or not as it pleases you but don't let him get away with bad behavior that you wouldn't tolerate from someone you aren't attracted to.

[Stuck]

The guy who had swept me off my feet continued to ignore me. I ran into him last night. He was on a date.

 

He came over and talked to me. I was friendly, but not overly so. He said, "Are you angry?"

 

I said, "Confused, I think."

 

He walked away.

 

A moment later he came back and said, "Sorry." I said, "Would you care to explain?" He said, "I'm weird, that's all. I'm sorry."

 

Later he handed me some photos from New Years.

 

I left there with my friends, and ended up running into him again much later in the evening at a different place. I was no longer being particularly friendly - his little date was sitting on his lap and they were making out from time to time. Other people who had seen us together in previous weeks kept asking me "What on earth is this all about?"

 

Hm. Anyway, eventually his date left and he came over to me and said "Can we sit down and talk?" I started off by saying thank you for a wonderful two weeks, which I think took him by surprise. Anyway, he said, "I can't give you what you need, I'm sorry."

 

I said, and I don't even know where this came from, "Why? Are you gay?" and his answer still has me reeling. "Well, 30%, yes."

 

???? He would not elaborate.

 

Anyway, we talked for a good while and finally the truth came out. He's in love with some woman who lives in Spain he met several years ago at a conference. They have kept in touch over email; she is 7 years older than he. He visited her this fall, came home and broke up with his girfriend of 5 years, and then, I suppose started going out with me. He said she no longer wants to write to him because she doesn't think it can work out, but he's terribly in love with her.

 

Oh dear. So he gave up on two "real" people for an almost-imaginary relationship with a woman who is on the other side of Europe. He begged me not to talk about it with anyone (so of course I'm now putting it on the internet) and asked if we could forget "everything" that happened and be friends.

 

I said no.

 

Sometimes I think I'm trapped in a soap opera.

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "Sometimes I think I'm trapped in a soap opera."

 

We all are, babe!

 

I'm sorry this happened to you but you got out of it rather quickly. Your lesson here is not to get caught up in a relationship too quickly. I hope you have learned.

 

Consider yourself fortunate. He will find other victims who may last longer in his life and their hearts will be broken much worse than yours. As a matter of fact, if your heart has more than just a hairline fracture over this bum, you may need counselling for falling for guys so quickly.

[BeenThere]

Stuck,

 

Since I had responded to your first post, I almost refrained from responding to the others that followed. But curiosity has gotten the best of me...

 

I had initially warned you about being consumed with "the-need-to-know-why" and suggested that you refrain from contacting this man any further since you received what you described as a "dismissive response" during your last attempt to communicate with him. And obviously, human nature prevailed and you finally obtained your answer. Congradualations!

 

But what I would like to know now, in retrospect, is...was it worth it? I mean, do you feel any better about the situation? Has it left you angry, resentful, critical and bitter? Has this done anything for your self-esteem? Has getting your answer finally laid the issue to rest for you? Did it give you what you needed to move on?...Or are you still bothered and consumed by it all?

 

Of course, it is your perogative to answer. I just thought it might help others if you could give a little more insight about the events that followed. If you could go back to that last phone call and do it all over again, would you have just left the matter alone as originally advised by others?...Or, are you SINCERELY satisfied with the aftermath?

 

Just curious...???

The guy who had swept me off my feet continued to ignore me. I ran into him last night. He was on a date. He came over and talked to me. I was friendly, but not overly so. He said, "Are you angry?"

 

I said, "Confused, I think." He walked away. A moment later he came back and said, "Sorry." I said, "Would you care to explain?" He said, "I'm weird, that's all. I'm sorry."

 

Later he handed me some photos from New Years.

 

I left there with my friends, and ended up running into him again much later in the evening at a different place. I was no longer being particularly friendly - his little date was sitting on his lap and they were making out from time to time. Other people who had seen us together in previous weeks kept asking me "What on earth is this all about?" Hm. Anyway, eventually his date left and he came over to me and said "Can we sit down and talk?" I started off by saying thank you for a wonderful two weeks, which I think took him by surprise. Anyway, he said, "I can't give you what you need, I'm sorry." I said, and I don't even know where this came from, "Why? Are you gay?" and his answer still has me reeling. "Well, 30%, yes." ???? He would not elaborate. Anyway, we talked for a good while and finally the truth came out. He's in love with some woman who lives in Spain he met several years ago at a conference. They have kept in touch over email; she is 7 years older than he. He visited her this fall, came home and broke up with his girfriend of 5 years, and then, I suppose started going out with me. He said she no longer wants to write to him because she doesn't think it can work out, but he's terribly in love with her. Oh dear. So he gave up on two "real" people for an almost-imaginary relationship with a woman who is on the other side of Europe. He begged me not to talk about it with anyone (so of course I'm now putting it on the internet) and asked if we could forget "everything" that happened and be friends. I said no. Sometimes I think I'm trapped in a soap opera.

 

[Stuck]

Hi.

 

Yes, I did consider your advice. In the end it seemed stranger NOT to call than to call, and I also just wanted to say hi. I don't regret it.

 

Of course I'm not sincerely satisfied with anything. I have no idea what to do with the information I got last night. 'Thirty percent gay' is still ringing in my ears!

 

But as far as being bitter, angry and resentful - no, not at all. It didn't affect my self-esteem negatively - heck, I had a seemingly awesome guy who appeared to be mad about me for a few weeks - it was great! As Tony said, it was far too brief an encounter to really warrant strong emotions after it ended. Like I wrote, and as I told the guy, I had a wonderful time with him. As it turns out, he misrepresented himself in a huge way. I still don't fully know why he bothered to go through the motions of winning my affections when he really didn't want them, but I just have to accept it.

 

It's hard to put the brakes on when you think you've found something special. All I can do is be more careful next time.

[BeenThere]

So, will you still be seeking revenge?

 

Will you still be airing this man's personal business over the internet as discribed above? And if so, will you feel finally vindicated? And if you do land a job working for the same company as this man, how will it effect your working relationship? (Yes, I've followed all of your posts)

 

Sometimes the raft of unrequainted love can snowball way out of control if we allow our emotions to control our actions. I know you feel scorned, but I sincerely hope that you consider what's at risk here -- not only your pride, but more importantly your professional reputation and self-respect. I'd hate to see something like this come back around and bite you on the butt. Hardly worth it for a two-week fling. And like you said, it never became "intimate" so you really haven't lost all that much except a little of your valuable time. And at least, if I understood your posts correctly, you enjoyed the holidays with some very good company.

 

Good Luck, Stuck. And I hope you soon find some piece of mind...

Hi. Yes, I did consider your advice. In the end it seemed stranger NOT to call than to call, and I also just wanted to say hi. I don't regret it.

 

Of course I'm not sincerely satisfied with anything. I have no idea what to do with the information I got last night. 'Thirty percent gay' is still ringing in my ears! But as far as being bitter, angry and resentful - no, not at all. It didn't affect my self-esteem negatively - heck, I had a seemingly awesome guy who appeared to be mad about me for a few weeks - it was great! As Tony said, it was far too brief an encounter to really warrant strong emotions after it ended. Like I wrote, and as I told the guy, I had a wonderful time with him. As it turns out, he misrepresented himself in a huge way. I still don't fully know why he bothered to go through the motions of winning my affections when he really didn't want them, but I just have to accept it. It's hard to put the brakes on when you think you've found something special. All I can do is be more careful next time.

[Stuck]

Dear Been there,

 

Revenge? No way. When I said I was airing it over the internet, I meant here, on this site. I was joking. That's why I came here for advice/venting, I don't want to spread this stuff all over the city so I kept it anonymous. I'm certainly not going to start telling people that the guy admits he's sort of gay, it would spread around like wildfire and would not go over well. He was a bit drunk when he told me that.

 

As far as the job is concerned, if I do take it, we discussed it and I assured him it would be fine. He actually said he would quit, but my goodness, that's insane. He does some contract work for the office - I'd have to deal with him on the professional level *maybe* once a month. I will see him far more often than that on the weekends because we happen to run in the same social circles, which is how I met him in the first place.

 

With time and distance it will all be totally fine. I'll be out of the country till the end of the month. I'm sure by the time I get back this will be a non-issue.

 

Thanks again.

[grammar freak]

So, will you still be seeking revenge? Will you still be airing this man's personal business over the internet as discribed above? And if so, will you feel finally vindicated? And if you do land a job working for the same company as this man, how will it effect your working relationship? (Yes, I've followed all of your posts) Sometimes the raft of unrequainted love can snowball way out of control if we allow our emotions to control our actions. I know you feel scorned, but I sincerely hope that you consider what's at risk here -- not only your pride, but more importantly your professional reputation and self-respect. I'd hate to see something like this come back around and bite you on the butt. Hardly worth it for a two-week fling. And like you said, it never became "intimate" so you really haven't lost all that much except a little of your valuable time. And at least, if I understood your posts correctly, you enjoyed the holidays with some very good company. Good Luck, Stuck. And I hope you soon find some piece of mind...