Seeking but not finding...

[katriel]

Hello all,

 

this is my first time asking a question on here, but

I want to say that, having looked at the forum, I really

appreciate the honesty and thoughtfulness that I've noticed

in peoples replies. Now, about me... I'm a guy in my late

twenties who has never been particularly successful in the

romantic arena. In part, it's due to a lack of confidence that

results from my having been seriously overweight most of my

life, but I've been on a serious diet and excercise regiment

which has helped me to lose about 80 pounds and keep it off

for the past year. I've come to realize that much of my

difficulty is self-imposed, as I am someone that has a very

particular standard for the type of woman that I'm looking for.

I'm not talking about the way she looks, more about other less

tangible aspects. I want to meet someone that shares certain

qualities I have that are somewhat rare. My standard isn't

something that I arbitrarily impose, it's more that I find I don't

connect with many of the people I meet(not just women)

because they don't share certain things in common with me.

Anyway, as a result, I find it very difficult to meet women that

I would really like to date. I have pursued various avenues from

looking online to joining groups that share similar interests, but

my efforts have not yet bore fruit. In the past, on other boards,

I've been given answers about expanding my criteria, but this

isn't about conscious pickiness, it's about what sincerely attracts

me to another person, and I have always been willing to get to

know people, even when my first impressions suggest otherwise;

I've been pleasantly surprised by what I find on more than one

occasion, and have learnt to look past the surface and give myself

the opportunity to get know a person without being judgemental.

Still, I am tired of being alone and want the opportunity to meet a

woman that I find truly intriguing and attractive. I am curious if

anyone has any suggestions,

 

thanks,

 

Katriel

[Mary3]

You haven't quite said what those unique qualities are and how realistic you are being....

[Charliegone]

You haven't quite said what those unique qualities are and how realistic you are being....

 

True. We kind of need more info to help you out..if you want my advice. Don't look for someone you have too much in common with...it gets boring after a while (well, I do anyways.)

[Mary3]

Hello all,

 

this is my first time asking a question on here, but

I want to say that, having looked at the forum, I really

appreciate the honesty and thoughtfulness that I've noticed

in peoples replies. Now, about me... I'm a guy in my late

twenties who has never been particularly successful in the

romantic arena. In part, it's due to a lack of confidence that

results from my having been seriously overweight most of my

life, but I've been on a serious diet and excercise regiment

which has helped me to lose about 80 pounds and keep it off

for the past year. I've come to realize that much of my

difficulty is self-imposed, as I am someone that has a very

particular standard for the type of woman that I'm looking for.

I'm not talking about the way she looks, more about other less

tangible aspects. I want to meet someone that shares certain

qualities I have that are somewhat rare. My standard isn't

something that I arbitrarily impose, it's more that I find I don't

connect with many of the people I meet(not just women)

because they don't share certain things in common with me.

Anyway, as a result, I find it very difficult to meet women that

I would really like to date. I have pursued various avenues from

looking online to joining groups that share similar interests, but

my efforts have not yet bore fruit. In the past, on other boards,

I've been given answers about expanding my criteria, but this

isn't about conscious pickiness, it's about what sincerely attracts

me to another person, and I have always been willing to get to

know people, even when my first impressions suggest otherwise;

I've been pleasantly surprised by what I find on more than one

occasion, and have learnt to look past the surface and give myself

the opportunity to get know a person without being judgemental.

Still, I am tired of being alone and want the opportunity to meet a

woman that I find truly intriguing and attractive. I am curious if

anyone has any suggestions,

 

thanks,

 

Katriel

 

 

So, I gather you are looking for a brilliant well educated unique woman ... ?

[katriel]

Well, yes, in part it is about intelligence/education. I'm a young guy, but I already have a terminal degree and spent time working as a college professor the year after I graduated, so I would like to meet someone that enjoys thinking and conversing on that level. This does not mean someone with a high level of formal education(one of my best friends is a college drop-out), but certainly someone intelligent and well-read. On top of being very intellectual, I'm a writer(my degree is in poetry), and have found that many people do not really accept the idea of someone that is trying to make there living in the arts. Many people seem to view the idea of being a professional writer as unrealistic. The last woman that I dated, back when I was a grad student, wanted me to try to get a more traditional type of job, meaning I would have to put my creative work on hold. At first she seemed excited by the idea of being with someone who is passionately artistic, but she began to imagine that I would wind up pursuing this until it led me into poverty. Certainly, I'm dedicated to my work, but I am realistic enough that I know I need to make a living. While I am no longer teaching, I'm not poverty stricken by any means: I work as a freelance writer, have a book of poetry due out in the next few months, and am in contract negotions about a TV program that I helped develop a few years back which may be going into production soon, so it's not as if I don't have economic opportunities and support for my work. I also find that I connect best with others who are seriously artistic. I always have trouble connecting with non-artistic people, we just don't see eye to eye, and while I respect people that have artistic interests as a sideline or hobby, I find that there attitude is very different from that of people who are dedicated to there work in a more professional capacity. I've gotten involved in writing groups and usually find that the people I meet are not in the same place as I am. To them, I can come across as overly harsh and, perhaps, cruelly critical(a result of having been around some very talented, brutally honest writers and editors), while they often seem to me to be amateurish. Often I get the sense that they come to the group for support and an ego boost, while I am there to receive and offer serious criticism so that I can develop my skill. Realize, I am not judging them, just acknowledging that we have different intentions and attitudes.

 

Of course, there are other things as well, but I would not say that I am entirely aware of all of them(and besides this post is already long winded enough). I just know that even when I was in graduate school with other people that shared the same level of artistic interest and dedication, I did not meet many women that I found truly intriguing. Ultimately, I want someone who will encourage me and not try to change me, but who will also stretch me to grow, intellectually, artistically, and personally, just as I hope to be that person in there life. I hope this provides some clarity and look forward to whatever advice you'ld care to offer,

 

thanks again,

 

K.

[bluechocolate]

hmm.... I don't know, but I think maybe you need a ying to your yang.

[Sand&Water]

Katriel,

 

I think I know what you're trying to convey. In my opinion, I think you should try to shift a few blocks down the lane. Meaning, you should firstly try to work on improving yourself -not just physically but also verbally and psychologically. How is the technique you use to approach women working for you? Success rate? Are you open enough to allow women into your life, or do you hold a certain personal barrier that would limit your interaction?

 

Plainly sketched, the type of women you are describing aren't going to be spotted as easily as you would like to think. You'll have to engage in conversation, and introduce yourself to many women in your city. Start with local coffee shops, functions, conferences, etc. You won't find them in a local bar, or strip club (~very low turn out rate). They have their places, and sometimes it can be intimidating because of the chance of encountering one. Keep in mind: Patience, patience, patience!

[katriel]

I tend to think of myself as a fairly outgoing person. I recently moved, so I don't have many friends where I am(yet), but I don't have a problem going out alone and generally have little trouble engaging people in conversations. My friends have always commented that I'm the first one in our group to introduce myself to a woman I find attractive, and my efforts are generally well received. So, I'm not too worried about that aspect. I figure that if I say hello to someone and they respond rudely, it's not my loss. I know that I won't necessarily recognize the kind of woman I want to meet at first sight, so I tend to be open to most of the women I meet. I do wish that I could find better places to hang out, as I've had enough of the bar/club scene. In part, I'm sure my difficulty of meeting people comes from life-style as well. Most folks my age seem to either spend time in a social circle that they have been part of for many years, or they meet people through work, but as I just moved to the area where I currently live, and work at home, neither of those options is available to me. I'm involved in a couple of arts based organizations that I thought would draw like minded individuals, but that has not proved true. Anyone have suggestions on places to go that might be worth checking out for someone in my situation?

[Green]

Do you happen to live in a big north eastern city cause if so u might be in luck we could be wings for eachother, you with your poetry, me with my boldness we would knock the ladies off their feet litter Ally... I like women with big brains to... get it... got it.. good

[katriel]

KMT, thanks for the offer. I'm from NYC originally, but alas I'm living down south right now... Never know when I might head up North though, my family is still there, and I am a New Yorker at heart.