how should i act? am i being too easy?

[yes]

Hey Tony! just a lil mroe advice, if u dont mind??

 

Im asking u personally cuz i hope u remember the story - ive been asking bout it, and u told me to keep dating the guy whether or not i see him at new year's, etc.

 

Well - the QN this ... he has left to college ... we talk thru instant messenger every other day or so ... i have no idea when's the next time he's gonna be in town ... but lately, i feel like i'm the one initiating contact more often than him, etc, even thought he totally welcomes my initiative of all sorts. However, i've been brought up to think that it's the man who should do the pursuing, and girls just accept him, lil by lil, or dont accept... SO i feel kinda weird ...

 

how should i act? am i being too easy? if not for the above stereotype (?) ive been taught, i'd be comfortable, cuz he's very welcoming, always replies to me, always acts available when i wanna see him (i ended up asking him about what he's doing for new year's eve, and it turned out he had a big party w/ his friends on the 30th, but was open to going out w/ me on the 31st - i went out w/ friends, however - but it was nice that he sounded like he'd get together w/ me that night if i asked...) ...

 

Any comments, aside from me thinking too much about this?

 

PS It's still stayed in a very shaky stage - Ive posted about his not rlly paying the bill when we're out, etc., but like u said, it's been going very slowly, so i wanted to give it more time n see how it goes ... Which is why im asking how to act meanwhile

 

Thanks!

[Tony T]

This guy is away from you and no longer good dating material. If you had a very long history with him it would be one thing but the two of you hadn't been seeing each other that long.

 

Continue talking to him online now and then but you really should make yourself available for other social activities with guys right there in your own town.

 

It's not a good feeling when one person is taking most of the initiative and especially not fun for a lady. You are correct, as a man he should be pursuing you. Even though he seems to be happy when he's talking to you, there is no way to tell just how many other IMs he has going at the time.

 

In my opinion, you are wasting your time thinking about a guy who will be away for some months. Keep an open mind, see other people, and when this guy returns for good...if you are still available...further explore the relationship with him but ONLY if he shows great interest in doing so. You will be a very lonely lady doing all the work yourself.

 

I have a suspicion that there's somebody right there nearby who would love to go out with you and be good for you. Start circulating around social circles in your town. Long distance relationships are not where it's at.

[yes]

You're right - I am planning to make myself available - in fact, there's at least 2 guys at my college about who im curious ... u'r right that there's guys who are curious about me as well - a couple have asked my friends if im taken or not...

 

but this guy tho - first of all, his college is only an hour away (and he's in town for 4 months, then college for 4 months, alternating for the next 2-3 yrs), so im thinking if he wanted to see me nuff, he'd come back every weekend, no? The reason it's hard to let go of the idea of dating him is cuz i've been liking him for a good while, then he finally asked me out ... egh - i dunna. I know he's not THE ONE for me or anything ... but i have a lotta fun with him. I get very happy when he contacts me, and kind of =( when i dont hear from him for a week - he has this kinda power over me ... basically, it drives me nuts that he has asked me out, but isn't interested enough to pursue it actively ... and i keep thinking it's cuz he's inexperienced, etc. ... wrong i guess?? its simply cuz he doesnt like me enough?? or he doesnt know how to pursue a girl?? (is that even possible?)

 

so i guess i'll stop contacting him... do you think i should get together with him when comes back to town? (i know he will in a couple weeks) I know i'll start thinking bout him again cuz ill have fun w/ him ... Should i spare myself or simply go with the flow, based on HIS initiative ONLY? You can tell i got a thing for him - im asking cuz i dont think i can think straight when deciding how to act with him.

 

(EG i kissed him first - never in my right mind would i kiss a guy first ... but with him - i just went for it... )

 

I'll take your advice & be active at my college though

 

Thanks Tony!!!

This guy is away from you and no longer good dating material. If you had a very long history with him it would be one thing but the two of you hadn't been seeing each other that long. Continue talking to him online now and then but you really should make yourself available for other social activities with guys right there in your own town. It's not a good feeling when one person is taking most of the initiative and especially not fun for a lady. You are correct, as a man he should be pursuing you. Even though he seems to be happy when he's talking to you, there is no way to tell just how many other IMs he has going at the time.

 

In my opinion, you are wasting your time thinking about a guy who will be away for some months. Keep an open mind, see other people, and when this guy returns for good...if you are still available...further explore the relationship with him but ONLY if he shows great interest in doing so. You will be a very lonely lady doing all the work yourself. I have a suspicion that there's somebody right there nearby who would love to go out with you and be good for you. Start circulating around social circles in your town. Long distance relationships are not where it's at.

[yes]

Also, a similar thing happened in october or so, i was wondering why he wasnt even remotely pursuing anything, and i talked to him, and it turned out he thought i rejected him - which was weird, maybe an excuse, but things got better later on. Then he wanted to know what i want from this relationship, and i said i dont wanna give it any labels or explanations, just go with it. He was cool with that. Hugs & kisses started after that ...

 

I guess i keep thinking that maybe he is thinking i dont like him very much ... and im thinking the same thing about him ... see what im afraid of happening?

 

Thanks. I just wanted to mention these details.

You're right - I am planning to make myself available - in fact, there's at least 2 guys at my college about who im curious ... u'r right that there's guys who are curious about me as well - a couple have asked my friends if im taken or not... but this guy tho - first of all, his college is only an hour away (and he's in town for 4 months, then college for 4 months, alternating for the next 2-3 yrs), so im thinking if he wanted to see me nuff, he'd come back every weekend, no? The reason it's hard to let go of the idea of dating him is cuz i've been liking him for a good while, then he finally asked me out ... egh - i dunna. I know he's not THE ONE for me or anything ... but i have a lotta fun with him. I get very happy when he contacts me, and kind of =( when i dont hear from him for a week - he has this kinda power over me ... basically, it drives me nuts that he has asked me out, but isn't interested enough to pursue it actively ... and i keep thinking it's cuz he's inexperienced, etc. ... wrong i guess?? its simply cuz he doesnt like me enough?? or he doesnt know how to pursue a girl?? (is that even possible?) so i guess i'll stop contacting him... do you think i should get together with him when comes back to town? (i know he will in a couple weeks) I know i'll start thinking bout him again cuz ill have fun w/ him ... Should i spare myself or simply go with the flow, based on HIS initiative ONLY? You can tell i got a thing for him - im asking cuz i dont think i can think straight when deciding how to act with him. (EG i kissed him first - never in my right mind would i kiss a guy first ... but with him - i just went for it... ) I'll take your advice & be active at my college though Thanks Tony!!!

[Tony T]

See my post to sweetgirl above and get the message.

 

YOU ASK:

 

1. "and i keep thinking it's cuz he's inexperienced, etc. ... wrong i guess??"

 

Hey, this guy is only an hour away. If he wanted to see you and didn't have a car, he could take a greyhound bus or get one of his friends to drive him. He doesn't care to do that.

 

He was just a guy you went out with, not any major deal and don't make it to be. You've got to break yourself from his spell and move on.

 

2. "its simply cuz he doesnt like me enough??"

 

He doesn't like you enough to want to drive an hour to see you in the evenings or weekends. Maybe that could happen in the future when he knows you better but don't plan on it. It's a lot more convenient for him to date girls right there around his school.

 

3. "or he doesnt know how to pursue a girl??"

 

Maybe he doesn't. Let's give him the benefit of the doubt. But that doesn't make things any better for you. And why would you want a guy who doesn't have the instinct or the brains to go for what he wants.

 

4. "so i guess i'll stop contacting him... do you think i should get together with him when comes back to town?"

 

Why would you want to get together with him when he comes back to town. I should think you would have plans with some guy who really likes you.

 

If you do get together with him, don't read anything into it. He's going to be back at school again after four months. Do you think you are being nice to yourself to get attached to a guy who's going to leave you after four months every four months?

 

If you see him, just have fun but don't take it so seriously because there's nothing serious going on here now. Maybe in time if you've got the patience.

 

But don't sit around at home on Saturday nights waiting around for this dude in four months while he's out with the beauties at school for four months.

[yes]

Got it, Tony. I know u'r right. It's just hard to know that somebody who knows u very well doesn't like you ... but i guess ##### happens!

 

Thanks for your advice. It's saved me lotta further waiting & guessing.

 

PS some guy just started calling me n taking me out recently - i think he likes me ... =)

See my post to sweetgirl above and get the message. YOU ASK: 1. "and i keep thinking it's cuz he's inexperienced, etc. ... wrong i guess??"

 

Hey, this guy is only an hour away. If he wanted to see you and didn't have a car, he could take a greyhound bus or get one of his friends to drive him. He doesn't care to do that. He was just a guy you went out with, not any major deal and don't make it to be. You've got to break yourself from his spell and move on. 2. "its simply cuz he doesnt like me enough??" He doesn't like you enough to want to drive an hour to see you in the evenings or weekends. Maybe that could happen in the future when he knows you better but don't plan on it. It's a lot more convenient for him to date girls right there around his school. 3. "or he doesnt know how to pursue a girl??" Maybe he doesn't. Let's give him the benefit of the doubt. But that doesn't make things any better for you. And why would you want a guy who doesn't have the instinct or the brains to go for what he wants. 4. "so i guess i'll stop contacting him... do you think i should get together with him when comes back to town?" Why would you want to get together with him when he comes back to town. I should think you would have plans with some guy who really likes you. If you do get together with him, don't read anything into it. He's going to be back at school again after four months. Do you think you are being nice to yourself to get attached to a guy who's going to leave you after four months every four months? If you see him, just have fun but don't take it so seriously because there's nothing serious going on here now. Maybe in time if you've got the patience. But don't sit around at home on Saturday nights waiting around for this dude in four months while he's out with the beauties at school for four months.

[yes]

hi again

 

while it makes total sense to forget this guy for now, im still wonderign why he acted the way he did

 

what was the point of asking me out, sticking around while he thought i rejected him, dating me for a month or two, and then pulling away right when it was becoming a relnship?

 

i'm pretty sure he's quite inexperienced (only 1 gf)

 

he said he liked me for 3-4 months before asking me out

 

he's known me for like 2 n a half years

 

why do all this?

 

ive never encountered this before ... ive had guys not like me, had guys like me, but never had someone know me well, go out w/ me for a bit, and then pull away. i've heard of guys acting like this after they sleep w/ a gal - but hey, i only kissed him, it's nothing.

 

my guy-friend told me that if he knew me that long, and liked me that long, no way he was just looking for a fling ... i dunna... he has ranted about how he hates high-maintenance women, etc. he's BIG on independence and space b/c his ex (only ex he has) was very clingy and dependent, which is why he broke up w/ her ...

 

if nothing else, id like to know if i could've somehow caused this to happen, so i dont repeat my mistake ...

 

Thanks!

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "what was the point of asking me out, sticking around while he thought i rejected him, dating me for a month or two, and then pulling away right when it was becoming a relnship?"

 

You don't give up easy, do you?

 

Well, the point is a pretty easy one. He went out with you while he was living close to you. He basically used you as a convenient date while he was at home. When he went off to college, which isn't all that far away (but he must really be cheap not to want to spend money on gas for his car, or cab, bus, to train fare to se you), it was no longer convenient to date you. He was around lots of other honeys he could choose from then.

 

Why do you want to dwell on this and wallow in the pain? If you ask something about this again, I will recommend that you see a counsellor. This is pretty tough stuff to take but you need to let go and move on. I have already stated things very plainly for you to understand. Why do you want to keep yourself upset and in pain?

[yes]

Oh, I dont give up easy at all... I dont let ppl hurt my pride n get away w/ it ... this guy is in for some punishment when he comes back ... and i will enjoy it!

 

Thanks for your replies, Tony.

YOU ASK: "what was the point of asking me out, sticking around while he thought i rejected him, dating me for a month or two, and then pulling away right when it was becoming a relnship?"

 

You don't give up easy, do you? Well, the point is a pretty easy one. He went out with you while he was living close to you. He basically used you as a convenient date while he was at home. When he went off to college, which isn't all that far away (but he must really be cheap not to want to spend money on gas for his car, or cab, bus, to train fare to se you), it was no longer convenient to date you. He was around lots of other honeys he could choose from then. Why do you want to dwell on this and wallow in the pain? If you ask something about this again, I will recommend that you see a counsellor. This is pretty tough stuff to take but you need to let go and move on. I have already stated things very plainly for you to understand. Why do you want to keep yourself upset and in pain?