"friend zone" im convo... any hope?

[forkedpath]

Ok I could really do with an outside perspective on this, as i'm a terrible one for seeing nothing but silver linings...

So following the breakup discussed in my last topic, i entered a rebound phase... amongst the girls i met during that time, was ana. I liked her character too much to get into anything physical knowing full well i'd ruin things anyway and so i made no moves and we became very good friends...

 

Between then and now she began a one month relationship with someone who has now left the country and who she sees for a few days every month or so... she says they never discuss commitment (i know that SHE's not doing anything) or whether or not they are even IN any kind of actual relationship... and although i know she likes this guy a lot more than she's willing to admit (she's a VERY self-sufficient lone-wolf person), she now declares to be single... but as far as i can see, she is emotionally involved and so, unavailable.

 

I had no problem with this until the first time she decided to visit him for a few days and then i suddenly felt jealous... i spent the next 2 months trying to decide what to do whilst simultaneously falling more and more for her, and eventually explained my position to her a few days ago without drawing out the subject too much...

And then today we made plans to go to the cinema:

(p.s. her english is fascinatingly strange, a point i am always teasing her on, this is probably the most coherent it's ever been)

 

 

.....

ME says:

on friday

ME says:

would it be what one would consider a date?

SHE says:

not sure about exact definition

SHE says:

but i am inclined to answer no

ME says:

i see

ME says:

well then i am inclined to regretfully say that i would rather not attend

ME says:

and i thank you for the modicum of clarity

SHE says:

although don't agree....i respect your decision

ME says:

hahaha

ME says:

i am enjoying our objective terminology

SHE says:

ahahhah...

ME says:

pray tell why you would not agree?

SHE says:

sorry but i have to go back to my obscure way of writing

ME says:

and that is why you would not agree?

ME says:

because of your dedication to obscurity?

SHE says:

wait...just making an attention note

SHE says:

f.....hell.....is not easy to write, specially for someone that has problems in expressing herself

SHE says:

not an excuse

ME says:

i understand

ME says:

and i appreciate the effort

SHE says:

ok here it goes

SHE says:

you may consider this selfish, but i really like you and you're one of my best friends and i don't want to loose that

SHE says:

and for good sake...you know the horrible person i am

ME says:

well i won't try to convince you otherwise

ME says:

and i share your perspective

ME says:

at least i did until quite recently

ME says:

but you cannot tell me in good faith that it is healthy to be close to someone you have feelings for

ME says:

and i have begun to feel more and more uncomfortable about this

ME says:

although i doubt you have noticed as i am also a bit of an actor myself

SHE says:

in that you're absolutely right

SHE says:

and although i don't want you to kind of disappear thats why i respect your decision

ME says:

well thank you

ME says:

although i wish you wouldn't respect my decision quite so much

ME says:

 

ME says:

wait, there's no way you'll understand that....

SHE says:

i thought i understood....now not so sure

SHE says:

hihi

ME says:

haha ok well it doesn't really matter it was half joke anyway

SHE says:

anyways...if you change your mind, please let me know

ME says:

but this is what i'm saying

ME says:

i feel as if in some way i've put myself in the position of replacement boyfriend for the one who is absent

ME says:

i take you to the concerts

ME says:

we go to the movies together

ME says:

we get food together

ME says:

we talk all the time about everything

ME says:

etc etc etc

ME says:

and...

ME says:

aaaargh

ME says:

do you understand?

SHE says:

 

ME says:

basically as a friend i was very happy to do these things

SHE says:

ahhh..better now

ME says:

but i don't feel like i can do that honestly now

ME says:

and it pains me, it actually pains me

ME says:

because i do really enjoy your company and i look forward to every strange encounter

ME says:

and i have to give that up

ME says:

or... watch it go wrong

SHE says:

you know...i think the more time you spend with me ..the more you'll realise yek...shes disgusting

SHE says:

honestly

ME says:

hahahahahaha

ME says:

nice try ana

ME says:

very nice

ME says:

but it's been quite the opposite

SHE says:

really....all the relationships that i can actually consider in my memories cause they last enough time...it worked cause we're in different places

SHE says:

time was limited

ME says:

ana shut up

ME says:

i don't care

SHE says:

ok

ME says:

i like nearly everything about you now

ME says:

you can't stop me

ME says:

just deal with it, you're great

ME says:

clap clap

ME says:

be happy

ME says:

and i had to know where i stood in relation to you before i started to like EVERYTHING about you

ME says:

ok?

SHE says:

ko

ME says:

hahahaha

ME says:

even now you still make me laugh

ME says:

ok ana i have to go now

ME says:

bye bye

SHE says:

 

SHE says:

meanwhile...if you change ideas, just let me know

ME says:

same goes to you

ME says:

have fun on the berma

SHE says:

you know that i always do my best

 

 

PLEASE someone let me know if there's hope for this, should i try and return to a friendship, should i cut loose?????

This girl is the most wonderful human being i have ever met, in fact she is only the SECOND girl i've ever had any feelings towards that i didn't instantly think was a complete MESS!!!

I desperately want to keep her in my life, but is it worth my sanity...?

[Yamaha]

No.

 

As much as you want to be friends, it is the beginning of what you want from her and it is all she wants from you. Can you live with that? I know I could not but you must make your own decision.

[Pink Amulet]

Wise words from Sex and the City She's "just not that into you".

 

I can see myself in her... it is a very uncomfortable position. She is probably just not attracted to you. Move on.

[stoopid_guy]

Wise words from Sex and the City She's "just not that into you".

 

I can see myself in her... it is a very uncomfortable position. She is probably just not attracted to you. Move on.

 

Yup. "but i really like you and you're one of my best friends and i don't want to loose that" is female for "I like you, but there's just no chemistry and I need that."

 

Forkedpath, have you ever know a girl who you felt no attraction for, but she was still a good friend? Now, imagine if she asked you out. How awkward would you feel? You wouldn't want to hurt her feelings, so you'd be as gentle as possible, but it would still be best to "nip it in the bud" before her hopes got too high. That's what's happening here.

[forkedpath]

i wish girls would be able to simply say "I'm sorry but i'm just not attracted to you" because that would "nip it in the bud nicely" and i wouldn't even consider having to cut her off as a friend... in fact it wouldn't bother me much, as i find it perfectly understandable...

 

it's the whole "i see you as a friend" thing that destroys everything, it really is... it tells you "you failed as a male" , "you've been too nice" , "i don't see you as a threat to my girly parts" ...

I can understand why girls say it, because i'm sure the last thing THEY want to hear is "i'm just not attracted to you" but for us of the more hairy variety it's a far more plausible explanation then:

"Yeah, so basically we get along really well and have so much in common and that's really not what i'm looking for in a relationship... oh and not only that but i wouldn't want to lose our friendship, even though i realize that you may never speak to me again because of what i've just said forcing you to recoil in horror at the thought of our friendship ruining any future developments"

 

Stoopid_guy: yes i have, absolutely, been in this position myself and i give the girl a chance, even when the attraction wasn't very high, or the attraction was there but the person was in the friends zone for character reasons... it's never worked out but i always let that be proved on it's own without some confusing speech from me about why it probably wouldn't work.

There was also an incident with a close friend of mine whom i had no idea had feelings for me, who pinned me down and kissed me completely out of the blue, which actually made me realize i liked her too even though i'd never really thought about it...

 

what i need help with isn't so much the hope part of this problem, it's more the "should i cut her off like an ex NC style... or what?" part...

[TJettman]

it's the whole "i see you as a friend" thing that destroys everything, it really is... it tells you "you failed as a male" , "you've been too nice" , "i don't see you as a threat to my girly parts" ...

I can understand why girls say it, because i'm sure the last thing THEY want to hear is "i'm just not attracted to you" but for us of the more hairy variety it's a far more plausible explanation then:

"Yeah, so basically we get along really well and have so much in common and that's really not what i'm looking for in a relationship... oh and not only that but i wouldn't want to lose our friendship, even though i realize that you may never speak to me again because of what i've just said forcing you to recoil in horror at the thought of our friendship ruining any future developments"

 

You've got a better grasp on it than some of the others on here.

[forkedpath]

hahaha thanks, "i don't want to lose our friendship" really has to be the dumbest thing i've ever heard, and I'd never dare say it... if there are further feelings involved, there simply IS NO FRIENDSHIP

 

oh and Tjettman: that is the best sig line i've ever read, i've just seen a picture of an ex buttnaked at a party grinding some dude... and it shocked me a bit, but that line puts it in context very nicely

[TJettman]

Tell me about it. Friendship's ass. The only reason I'll even let myself open up that much to a woman is because I want more than a friendship. I gained inspiration for that tagline from my soon to be ex-wife. I saw a shirt in the mall that had the saying and just had to have it. She didn't like it too much. She's gone but the shirt remains.