I don't understand

[Michele]

I have been seeing this guy for 14 months. Things have not been going well since I mentioned the l word(love) then I also said to him. Do you ever think you will get remarried again? After that, we saw each other last week, he never called me for New Years, and I haven't heard from him in a week. I think I scared him off, even though I tried telling him afterwards that I wasn't ready to get married......

 

I'm am really hurt he didn;t call me in a week. He never even gave me a birthday present, christmas present.

 

I suppose it's over???????

[Tony T]

I can't tell you whether it's over or not but it does look that way. If you don't hear from him again, you are much better off.

 

You don't need a guy who runs into a cave and disappears because you express your feelings or desire to communicate your ideas and express your feelings about the relationship...after 14 MONTHS...that's a long time.

 

It's much better to find out now that this guy isn't a candidate for your heart. It sounds like either he is scared or he may just not be the right guy for you. In any case, if he is so sensitive and closed-minded that he would rather run than discuss what I consider to be an important topic with you, then he isn't worth your time.

 

It's too bad you didn't bring up love and marriage six months ago. You could have been well on your way now to finding true love.

 

Even if you hear from this guy, what will you say to him? There's nothing much to resolve of his rudeness and insensitivity. What would there be to patch up? You brought up a subject he didn't want to talk about and he ran. If you hear from him, let him know just how sorry you are that he's obviously the wrong guy for you...or maybe the right guy at the wrong time.

 

I'm very glad you talked to him and were able to find out exactly where you stand in this long-standing relationship. I know it hurts but it does get better.

[Michele]

I wrote yesterday regarding my relationship of 14 months. I thank you for the advice. Yes, what can he possibly say about his rudeness. Perhaps I should have picked up a dog manual at the pet shop from the beginning of this tormented, emotional roller coaster ride. The obsession of this relationship almost drove me nuts. In the interim, about 2months I encountered a friend. Only a friend. Perhaps I should have realized something was wrong, we would chat on the phone. However, he never invited me out for dinner. He was divorced. Seemed like a nice person. We met for coffee a few times. It was on Jan2, that I saw him at work, and out of the blue he said. I met someone!!!!!!

 

I realize we were just friends , however I feel he led me on. This dog actually, had a few females after him and used me to get one off his back. In other words he accidently met with a woman he had mentioned that liked him, and made sure she saw as together. Leading her to believe we were an item. I said. You used me. He said...that was the only way to get her off my back........ Are there any nice guys out there??? The people involved are late 30's early forties................AAAAAh, the games that people play........It was bad enough, that I was involved in a relationship with such an insensitive, heartless human being..... than I meet a friend,only a friend and uses me...........I give up............

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "Are there any nice guys out there???"

 

Yes, and your job is to take cold showers every morning, keep a clear head, and find one for yourself.

 

People use people all the time. Even friends use friends. If you have a friendship where both of you are benefiting equally from the friendship, then it's a good one where there is value for value. Altruistic friendship, that is, where one or the other or both aren't there to get anything whatsoever, is almost non existant. Even mother Theresa befriended people because they met her need to be needed.

 

So get this grandiose idea out of your mind that people won't sometimes use people. Even in a marriage, there is mutual agreement on how each other will be used...oh, you can call it something else if you like. But people don't marry others unless they are getting something out of the deal...sex, love, companionship, a trophy, money, a big house, sperm, etc. etc. That's just plain reality.

 

I can't feel bad for you. Getting used by someone just to get back at someone else is coming out pretty easy. He never told you he loved you, he didn't borrow money from you...there's a lot of really mean and serious ways he could have used you. You got off light. I think you should have struck a deal with him...and made it OK if he used you for that in return for a gourmet meal at a nice restaurant. That seems a fair exchange.