The Best of: Winning Someone Back

[thekhris]

Do you want him/her back?

OK...stop your tears...I compile this for you...

[thekhris]

If you're reading this, you've probably already tried the begging, pleading, and emotional cries for mercy - and been soundly rejected. So some of your friendly moderators and royal members have gotten together to try to compile a "now where do I go from here, and why won't he/she listen to me?" tips and advice - with explanations as to WHY you're being advised to take these steps. Hopefully it'll give some of you a better handle on what your exes might be thinking and feeling - and why what you've tried simply hasn't worked.

Important: This is assuming there's no third party waiting in the wings and you've heard the "I need space," "I think maybe we should date other people," or "I don't know if this is going to work out," or other "iffy" statements that imply they're questioning their feelings and/or feelings about being in a relationship... or you've had indications from other sources that your ex is not so happy with their decision.

 

Let's start with why begging and pleading for another chance doesn't work. Ok, it might work once or twice, but you know why? It's because you've administered a heavy dose of guilt, and chances are said ex still has feelings for you - and caved under the pressure. Now, if you've ever been guilted into doing something, you know you're not going into it wholeheartedly, in a sense it's emotional blackmail, albeit unintentional, and it leads to resentment just waiting to blossom in the first conflict that comes after. I know, you THINK you're just letting them know how much they mean to you. However, what's heard is "you're breaking my heart, you're hurting me incredibly, this person who loves you so!" Always, always, always try and think a step ahead - if you needed a break from a relationship for some reason and still had feelings for someone, how would this make you feel? Yep, approximately an inch tall and the lowest life form on the planet. Needless to say, this is NOT a good beginning to trying to rekindle a romantic relationship!

 

Step one - ok, you've all heard it, seen it advised, and wondered how the heck it helps when you're thinking you need to be around to remind your love of all the good times you've shared and how much they mean to you. Yep, the dreaded "no contact" rule. (Note: if no contact isn't completely possible due to work/school situation or shared friends, skip on to step 2 )

 

2) The reasoning that you need to remind your ex of your presence? First error in judgement. The hard fact is, you have to be noticeably "not there" for your ex to MISS you. The last thing someone who may rethink things wants is someone hounding their footsteps trying to influence them. The first thing they're gonna miss, assuming you guys have been together more than a few weeks, is that "person being around to share things with" that they've grown accustomed to. After you've been in a relationship for a while, think about it - when you've had a bad day at work, or done really great on a test, gotten a part in a play, a job promotion - the instinct is to pick up the phone and call that person to share it! That needs no reminder, and THAT is what you want working in your favor. You want habit and that emotional "sharing" bond working FOR you here, rather than giving your ex ammunition to stay strong against you.

 

Now, someone who is REALLY sure they're through - this may be the end of the road. There ARE no guarantees. You can't make someone love you if they truly don't. However, what you CAN do is to weigh the odds in your favor assuming there's some uncertainty, and tailor your actions to make them want to reconsider. If you think you're actually letting them talk themselves into it - you're absolutely right! But this way it's totally their decision - and the one person they can't hold out against forever is themselves!

 

Ok, now during this "no contact from you" phase - make SURE you stay BUSY. Bear in mind if/when your ex does get in touch with you - what kind of person do you want them to find at the other end of the phone, message, email, or "chance" meeting? A depressed, broken, morose husk of a person? Or that confident person they've had fun with and were attracted to? If you've seen problems in yourself that contributed to the breakup originally? Now is the time to get off your butt (mentally) and work on them! Use the time to make yourself someone you're happy with, someone you know is attractive, and yes, if you're up to it, even go out on some casual dates, or at the least, hang out with friends. A teasing grin is WAY more attractive than a morose frown or scowl - and how you think of yourself tends to show through any act you can put on.

 

Worst case, since it's not guaranteed - you'll be taking active steps to heal from the breakup and prepare yourself for a new relationship - and even best case - going BACK into a relationship, you want to do it as a whole, complete person. This no contact phase is likely to be one of the HARDEST things you ever have to do. If you feel yourself weakening - visit websites, call a friend, go for a walk, work out, ANYTHING. But try not to give in - or you'll have to start this step ALL OVER again. Now if knowing that isn't incentive, I dunno what is!

 

Step two - initial or casual contact. This can take MANY forms - it could be a casual call about something seemingly insignificant, an email asking you if you want a CD back that he or she JUST noticed they had in their car, ANYTHING.

 

Rule #1 - if it seems like a really silly reason to call, it probably is. In other words, take heart, it's probably an excuse to initiate contact without looking like a weak idiot who wants to talk to you. BIG DON'T - do NOT point this out!!!

 

BIG DON'T #2 - do NOT start off by thinking this is an open door to go into an emotional speech about how you've missed them so and your life hasn't been complete without them! Keep it cool, casual, comfortable. Don't bring up the relationship unless they do first. Don't bring up dating other people. Don't make a POINT out of saying how grand things are going - it should all be in the attitude, not in obvious points. DO respond nicely to "I've missed talking to you," but more with "yeah, it's really good to hear from you." Not with the impression you've been waiting weeks to hear it (even though you have!). DO take opportunities for light, flirty, "cute" comments and compliments, without overdoing it. The goal here is to make these contacts enjoyable, give the impression you still think of this person as an attractive member of the opposite sex, and keep it light and playful enough to avoid any pressure or discomfort. You want them to keep coming back for more, right? So make sure they end on an "up" note - and be the one to say you gotta go - nicely, but in a way that implies "I still have a life."

 

In other words "oh man, I hate to run, but I told John I'd be at his house 5 minutes ago - it was great talking to you, hope to cya later!" says about 4 things at once - you had a good time talking, enough to be running a little late, your life isn't on hold, and you'd welcome hearing from him or her again. If you managed to hit that "fun and mood/ego boosting note" in the conversation - you've just made it almost a certainty the contact isn't going to end here. People come back for more of what makes them feel good, and feel attractive and desireable without being overwhelmed. This is a tentative "feeling out the vibes and mood" stage - intense can push away, completely aloof can be discouraging. So encourage their contact - without putting yourself on the line here.

 

Step three - meeting again, or less casual conversations, casual dates etc. The point where the ex starts openly questioning things about the breakup. Comments like "I've been thinking a lot lately about us," "Do you ever think about being with me?" "Have you started seeing anyone else yet?" Now, I know, this is what you've been waiting to hear! And impulse is to go with it and scream "oh thank GOD, I've been HOPING you'd consider going out with me again because I still love you as much as ever!" WHOA BUDDY!!! Apply the brakes here! Go with the flow - but let THEM lead the conversation and exploration here - you've got to find out what their "comfort zone" is as far as thinking about the relationship - and you're not gonna do that by taking control of the direction the conversation is headed in away from them!

 

By all MEANS be encouraging, "yeah, I've been thinking about it as well, I've missed being with you, penny for your thoughts?" Really listen to what's being said, encourage them to voice what they're thinking and feeling, respond honestly - but without being overwhelming about it. For example, they say "I dunno, I really miss some of what we had together," "yeah, me too, you think if we'd communicated better we could've worked it out?" "I wonder if it would be possible for us to figure out what went wrong in our relationship? Even if that means we don't get back together, that would help me tremendously in my next relationship." Remember, you NEED to know what the perceived problems were if you're going to build something better, don't get defensive, don't crawl on your knees begging forgiveness, make sure you get across you're going to really listen with an open mind, and offer suggestions and compromises you think might've helped. Blaming yourself at this point won't help, letting them blame themselves won't either. If they change the subject - even if you want to scream and bang your head into a wall because you still had questions - let them change it. Either they have enough to think on for the moment - or they've hit the end of their "comfort zone" before they feel pressured, so in either case, pressing the issue is going to work against you. Be patient, be encouraging that talking about it isn't going to make you defensive or lead to an argument, be encouraging you're interested in starting over again with them - without making it an issue you don't want to talk it out if they're not ready for that.

 

Stage four - getting back together. If you've worked all the way through stage three without jumping, you'll be in a good position to build a stronger, NEW, relationship with your ex if after all your conversations, you're sure that's still what you want. Of course there will still be bumps in the road - but hopefully by talking through the causes of one breakup, you'll be better at talking things out before they hit the wall again.

 

And always keep in mind - especially when it's them that's done the breaking up - they will be much more confident if they have to work a little to get you back - nobody wants a doormat they can take for granted, the things we invest some effort into, the things we work for, are the things we value the most.

 

Authors' notes: This should not be taken as "how to make someone love you," because while you can encourage positive interaction with someone who already has strong feelings for you, you can't make someone HAVE those feelings. This is not intended to imply you can control that. What you can control are your actions, which will either encourage or discourage someone from contact and involvement with you when their feelings are already involved. There's no magical solution, and no perfect bible of "how to." If you find yourself stuck - always try and put yourself in the other person's shoes and think what you'd find most encouraging in THEIR position.

[thekhris]

(original contributor GUEST)

Here are four strategies that

never work – yet people always try:

Which these strategies are you trying right now?

1. The first is to give them reassurance. “I've changed. I won't be controlling anymore. I won't lie to you anymore. I won't have another affair,” and so forth. The efforts to give them reassurance. This almost never works.

2. The second strategy is to tell them over and over again, “I love you.” That never works.

3. The third strategy is arguing, reasoning, trying to talk them into feeling different or doing different. That never works.

Always agree.

If you talk about where they are wrong, they become more wrong. And if you talk about where they are right, they immediately become less wrong.

See, most people don't know that if you agree and sound sincere to the other person, do not defend yourself, do not explain yourself, they will defend you.

They will reverse their position.

Amazing!

It works like magic!

A person says, “You know, I want a divorce.”

“I understand. I agree.”

It looks you're moving faster toward a divorce, but you're getting at the roots of why they want a divorce. they want a divorce because you're always disagreeing with them.

They do not want a divorce from somebody who's always pleasant and is always seeing their side and always agreeing with them.

That's not the person they're pulling away from.

They're pulling away from the person who disagrees with them.

People don't want to be married to somebody who's holding a gun on them.

“You owe me love because we're married. You've got to love me because we're married.”

No, no. You've got to get rid of the hostility before their good feelings can show. And their hostility may seem to you like it's totally independent of anything that you do.

No!

You are supporting their negativism by your attitude of needing and pressuring and whining and complaining, and trying to argue for your way.

Just enthusiastically see it their way.

You're happy to do whatever they want.

Wow! That takes the props totally out from under their hostility. And so we want to continue this attitude.

You are acting secure now.

When you say, “You're the only one that I can love, you're the only one that I can be happy with, you're the only one,” you're really saying, “I'm a pea-brain. I can't really see that the world is full of beautiful women or good looking men. I can't see that. I don't have any confidence at all. Don't you want me?”

No, they don't.

“I have no self-esteem, no nothing. Don't you want me?”

And the answer is no.

4. Pessimism. We become addicted to our pessimism.

I once had a man say to me, “I know I can't win. You don't know my wife. She's very stubborn. She never changes her mind."

I say, “Never? About anything?”

“Well, maybe about minor things, but not things this important.”

I said, “Well, I think it's about something this important is precisely what she has changed her mind about. She originally said she was going to stay with you and love you forever. And now, she can't stand you. So obviously, she's changed her mind. So obviously, she does change her mind.”

But people fall in love with pessimism. That's one of the strategies that never work...but people always try them! Now, here are...

Three Things You Can

Start Doing Right Away To

Turn The Tide In Your Favor...

When one person is wanting a divorce or is pulling away, and the other one doesn't want it, there is a clash of wills.

There is tension.

There is stress.

So I've discovered the psychology of applying the jujitsu wrestling technique, where the wrestler uses the strength, energy and weight of his opponent to their own advantage, and to the disadvantage of their opponent.

We cannot get to the good feelings of your wife, husband or lover. We cannot get to those good feelings as long as this war is going on, as long as you communicate to them that you want something different from what they want.

I remember years ago, when I was using hypnosis. A woman was lying on the couch and I was suggesting muscle-relaxing all over.

And then I was doing the deepening and testing process of “your right hand and your right arm are getting light, like a feather.” After suggesting that for about five minutes, at the most ten minutes, the person's hand always begins to float upward because they're giving in to their imagination and following the suggestion.

This woman's hand didn't move at all after ten or fifteen minutes. So I said, “Are you feeling anything in your right hand and right arm?”

She said in a very relaxed, almost sleepy voice, “Yes. My right hand and my right arm are getting heavier and heavier.”

See, the opposite of what I suggested.

So I said, “Good. Your right hand and right arm are getting heavier and heavier. Heavier and heavier.” And I kept on that way.

In about two or three minutes, her hand was floating up in the air. And of course, this is what psychologists call negative suggestibility.

When the other person is pulling away from you or wanting a divorce or wanting separation, they are almost automatically on the opposite side of any fence that they perceive you as being on.

So use the jujitsu. Go with them.

Now here are three elements, three ideas, three strategies, all under the heading of the jujitsu technique.

1. Stop pressuring, stop criticizing, stop complaining, stop whining.

2. Agree with anything your mate says or does. Put a good name on it. Agree with their negative feelings.

You see, when one partner has a closed mind and is divorcing the other, they are in love with their negative feelings. So they put their negative feelings in charge of the door to their mind. And when you try to reason with them, you're telling them that their negative feelings are wrong. That causes their negative feelings to lock the door tighter.

Agree with their negative feelings – whatever they are.

“Yes, this relationship is hopeless.”

“Yes, you will never be able to trust me. That's exactly correct.”

Do not defend yourself.

Just agree, sound sincere, and shut up.

3. Act perfectly happy about everything as it is.

The status quo – as it is. Act perfectly happy. Enjoy your space. Enjoy your freedom. Tell them that they are correct – that you all were getting too serious too fast – or whatever their interpretation is that they've given to you. Agree with it, and act happy about whatever it is that they want.

This uses jujitsu, and it always works.

Now, you can't do this for a week or a day or a month, and then switch back over to the old pressuring self. It's not going to work for you. And you can't do it partly in one part of the conversation and then slip back to explaining yourself about what you want and why you did what you did.

You've got to practice consistency with this. No pressure at all.

Now, this does not mean no contact.

If you're separated, you can call and say hi, do small talk and happy talk. Small talk. Happy talk.

You and professionals encourage, generally speaking, that you've got to do serious talk.

Serious talk hurts the relationship most of the time.

Small talk, happy talk, friendly talk. Make it brief.

You can call. They will not feel pressured if you do that kind of talk or stick to practical things.

“When do you want me to pick the kids up?”

Or, “Do you want me to bring the check by or do you want me to mail it?”

These strategies work immediately to reduce the feeling that there is a clash of wills.

Her negative or his negative attitudes towards you are being supported by you communicating what you want.

Every time you say to them, “But, I love you,” you are saying, “but I want something different than what you want. You want to pull away, but I want you to come closer. I don't really care what you want. It's what I want that's important.”

Lots of times men tell their wives, “I've changed. I've changed. Let's get back together. I've changed.”

I tell the husbands that “Every time you say, ‘I've changed,' you're communicating to her that you have not changed.”

“Really? Why is that? How is that? I don't understand that.”

“Of course, you don't understand. But what's your motivation? Why are you telling him or her how you've changed? What's your purpose? Isn't it to get your way?”

“Yeah, I want her back.”

“That's your way. It's not her way, right now. She said she may consider it later, maybe, but not right now. And every time you say, ‘I've changed,' you're saying, ‘Give me my way! Give me my way! Give me my way! What I want is more important than what you want. I don't give a hoot what you want.”

And subconsciously, she says, “He hasn't changed. He's still the neurotic, selfish, pressuring guy he always was. There's no way I'm going to go back to him, or feel positive to him as long as he is this way.”

Agree with them, quickly.

Why?

Because it saves your nerves. Saves your pride. Saves your energy. And you end up getting your way, much more than arguing or rebelling or disagreeing or pressuring.

If you want to win somebody back, the worst thing you can do is disagree with them. Never do it!

[thekhris]

Here's a list of what NOT to do if your girlfriend is

breaking up with you.

 

1) Do NOT fight with her. Fighting ALWAYS creates

tension and kills attraction. Fighting with a woman is useless.

Even if you win the argument, you will still lose the war.

2) Do NOT try to use logic to show her why she should

come back to you. Love is based on FEELINGS, not logic. No

matter how brilliant your logic is, she's still going to leave

you.

3) Do NOT reassure your ex that you have "changed" so

things will be "different from now on". It's like trying to

bail water out of a sinking boat. It won't work. The hole is

still there and your words are not going to mend it.

4) Do NOT keep telling her you love her. She won't

care. All a woman cares about is how much SHE loves YOU...not

the other way around!)

5) Do NOT beg her to come back. The more you beg, the

more she will ignore you.

6) Do NOT try to make her feel guilty about leaving you.

(Examples: "I can't work without you." and "Don't break up

with me during exam period...") It won't work. It will only

make her DREAD being with you even more.

7) Do not act depressed so they will feel bad for you.

Sympathy does NOT equal ATTRACTION!

8) Do NOT talk to her friends to win their support. All

she cares is how SHE fees about you. Even if her friends love you,

they can't make her love you forever. External pressure never

lasts longer. If your girl decides to stay with you, her motivation

has to come from WITHIN.

9) Do NOT spend money on gifts and flowers for her. You

can't buy her heart back with money.

10) Do NOT push her into getting back with you. The more

you push, the more she will PULL AWAY.

These are the most common mistakes guys make during a

breakup. Trust me, you don't want to do ANY of these things.

If you do, I can guarantee you your relationship will be doomed.

You probably won't even get a chance to kiss your girlfriend

goodbye, let alone get her back.

[thekhris]

WHAT TO DO IF SHE DUMPS YOU

see there are still a lot of guys digging themselves into deep holes every time they're dumped by their girlfriend or rejected by someone they’ve been involved with. They want to know how to win them back, but don't have a clue how to do it.

Rather than write this as an instructional tip, I decided to share a number of true examples in which the advice speaks for itself.

 

Example #1

Earlier this year I met a girl in a 3 year LTR. She admitted she was attracted to me and started developing feelings for me. Things with her boyfriend were turning stale and in the end she decided to break up with him and pursue a relationship with me.

I felt flattered and rather cocky knowing I had just won this girl from her long term boyfriend. Things were going well, she didn’t want to talk to him and every time he called she brushed him off. Her friends praised me, she was proud to be with me and things were developing fast.

However, her ex-boyfriend suddenly changed his attitude and instead of getting jealous of me or upset over being dumped, he gave us his best wishes, told her there were no hard feelings and he moved on. He started hanging round with his friends more and stopped calling her. After two weeks of not hearing from him she started calling him to check if he was ok and see what he was upto, only to find he was fine and enjoying his free time. Soon she started pushing him to remain friends and asking him to meet up with her. He postponed, cut his calls with her short and even stood her up a few times. Yet she persisted more.

All this time I could see it was getting under her skin and that I was losing her affection. I could have been the perfect guy, but he had the upper hand and there wasn’t a thing I could do about it. Every time he made an excuse not to meet her or ignored her call, she would get uptight and keep moaning about him. Sure enough she told me she wanted him back. She left me and started pursuing him all the time, but he continued backing off. She became obsessed and depressed, wouldn’t look at another guy and even burst out crying if he didn’t answer her calls. Next thing I hear, they’re back together under his terms. He had her in the palm of his hand, even cheated on her and she still stuck with him and remained loyal.

 

Example #2

During my wuss guy days, I was brushed off by a short term girlfriend. She told me she needed time to herself blah blah, but she wanted to stay friends. I took that to mean I could win her back, so I called her and text messaged her regularly, only to keep getting brushed off. I asked her to meet up and she refused or stood me up.

I then found David DeAngelo’s Double your Dating and started applying some things I learned. I tried being more cocky and arrogant with her, tried being a jerk, tried being more bold, started standing upto her and eventually it scared her away completely and she completely ignored and avoided me. She even told her friends I was acting weird and it was freaking her out.

 

Example #3

I had a few dates with a girl some months ago. We didn’t hit it off particularly well, but there was some physical attraction. After the 4th date she sent me a text message telling me she felt no chemistry and we should stop seeing each other. I replied by telling her “You’re right. No hard feelings”.

The following day she contacted me again asking if we could give it another try. I told her no, she was right there was no chemistry. She called me to have a go at me and insult me, then called me a few hours later to apologise. I told her it was no problem, but I was on my way out so I couldn’t stay and chat. She started sending me flirtatious text messages and emails, suggesting we get together for sex. I ignored them. Soon I started receiving anonymous calls and text messages (which I suspected and later proved was her). Almost a year later, she still sends me occasional emails asking if I want to meet up.

 

Example #4

A female friend of mine was in a relationship for 2 years with a typical “nice guy”. He’d buy her gifts, pay for her and do anything for her. She flirted with guys in front of him and he’d just sit there like a goof and say nothing. Then she finally accepted he was “too nice” and decided to break up with him.

At first he cried and took it really badly. He confessed his love for her and asked how he could change. Meanwhile she started ****ing another guy in secret. Every time this new guy was mean to her, she’d call her old boyfriend and he’d take her out and buy her gifts etc. Then she’d ignore him for weeks after.

Next time she tried to contact her ex- he finally acted like a man. He told her it was over, he wasn’t interested in being friends any more and she should stop calling him. She did the exact opposite and started calling him more. He started ignoring her and she started getting upset and moaning to her friends about how she regrets leaving him and she was stupid for letting him go.

Months have passed and she still tries to contact him. She recently found out he has a new girlfriend and since then she has been crying herself to sleep at night, looking through old photos and listening to their favourite songs. She has said she would take him back within a second, has begged him to give her another chance, but he has refused.

 

Example #5

I started getting interest from a very attractive girl and so I decided to ask her out. She seemed very keen and we arranged our date. The day came and she flaked out on me, sending me a last minute text message saying she was too busy. I never replied.

Next time I saw her I was polite, showed no hard feelings, but I spent the night talking to her friend. The flakey girl kept trying to get my attention, kept glancing at me all night and looked really uncomfortable. Eventually she left and I casually waved bye to her and continued talking to her friend.

Two days later, she called me (I missed the call), then emailed me a dramatic apology, telling me how she regretted not meeting me and wanted another chance. I waited two days then sent her a text message asking if she wanted to meet. She replied within 10 seconds and her friend told me she had been moping for days, checking her phone and her email to see if I would get back to her. We did go on our date, but I’m seeing someone else now so I didn’t pursue it further than that.

 

Conclusion

People place higher value what they can’t have or what they fear losing. When you are rejected or dumped, back off and you make their decision final. Don’t be taken for granted, don’t try to seduce them, NEVER try to explain or repair mistakes, don’t try to be friends, don’t change who you are or put on any acts, just cut them off and get on with your life. If they try to get in contact, be polite, but indifferent and don’t give them your time. Your time now is for other things and other people! Finally, if and when you do take them back, do so on your own terms and continue letting them know you can’t be taken for granted!

This is old advice and a golden rule, but hopefully the examples I’ve given have helped illustrate and emphasise this point.

[spinnelli]

I'm sorry but this is all bs and stupid games to me...no offense!. There is no one sure strategy to get over an ex, it's emotions and feelings not mathematical equations for crying out loud. You are dealing with people, complex human beings and you want to turn it into a science experiment.

 

Look if you want to pour your heart out to your ex, do it, if you want to beg and plead and try to repair what was broken, do it. Just go with your heart. If you don't suceed, it won't be for lack of trying. If you want the relationship to work and you've changed your ways or you want to try and change your ways, then tell your ex that. And even if all your promises doesn't change his/her mind, at least you tried and you put it out there. I'm not saying you should turn into a crazy stalker. But if you have a love that you think is worth something, fight for it.

 

We all (including the oh so desired EX)fall in love and we get our hearts stumped on, it's life. You go through the pain, you do what you can to make the pain go away and then you move on from it. If my ex wants to stand on his pedalstool and call me desperate or clingy or a wuss just because I happen to be in love with him and I want him in my life, then let him do that, I'm only human and I do what I can. And you know what? so is he, and one day he will have to beg and grovel over a woman, and then he will know what it really feels like.

 

I'm sick and tired of hiding my pain and putting on stupid, fake, brave face, putting on a stupid act, acting indifferent when I'm suffering. Enough already!!!! I am a human being and dammit! I hurt, and I am not ashamed of that. I am not ashamed that I'm not perfect and I don't always say the right things or do the right things. I would like to see anyone who's never gone through a broken heart tell me that I'm weak or I'm a wuss just because I sent a long "please take me back" email.

 

Just be yourself and don't be afraid to love and be scared to actually admit that you love someone. sheesh!!.

 

Real love is not a power struggle, it's not a stupid game about who has control or the upper hand. And believe it or not, its' not about a stupid chase either. I want easy love, love that gives me peace, love that I don't have to walk on eggshells to keep. Oy!

[LaraV]

I'm sorry but this is all bs and stupid games to me...no offense!. There is no one sure strategy to get over an ex, it's emotions and feelings not mathematical equations for crying out loud. You are dealing with people, complex human beings and you want to turn it into a science experiment.

 

Look if you want to pour your heart out to your ex, do it, if you want to beg and plead and try to repair what was broken, do it. Just go with your heart. If you don't suceed, it won't be for lack of trying. If you want the relationship to work and you've changed your ways or you want to try and change your ways, then tell your ex that. And even if all your promises doesn't change his/her mind, at least you tried and you put it out there. I'm not saying you should turn into a crazy stalker. But if you have a love that you think is worth something, fight for it.

 

We all (including the oh so desired EX)fall in love and we get our hearts stumped on, it's life. You go through the pain, you do what you can to make the pain go away and then you move on from it. If my ex wants to stand on his pedalstool and call me desperate or clingy or a wuss just because I happen to be in love with him and I want him in my life, then let him do that, I'm only human and I do what I can. And you know what? so is he, and one day he will have to beg and grovel over a woman, and then he will know what it really feels like.

 

I'm sick and tired of hiding my pain and putting on stupid, fake, brave face, putting on a stupid act, acting indifferent when I'm suffering. Enough already!!!! I am a human being and dammit! I hurt, and I am not ashamed of that. I am not ashamed that I'm not perfect and I don't always say the right things or do the right things. I would like to see anyone who's never gone through a broken heart tell me that I'm weak or I'm a wuss just because I sent a long "please take me back" email.

 

Just be yourself and don't be afraid to love and be scared to actually admit that you love someone. sheesh!!.

 

Real love is not a power struggle, it's not a stupid game about who has control or the upper hand. And believe it or not, its' not about a stupid chase either. I want easy love, love that gives me peace, love that I don't have to walk on eggshells to keep. Oy!

 

Bravo!!!!!!!

[mboston1]

wow, that was dead on.

 

Exactly where I am right now.

[mboston1]

Are you female, beause that would be a common perspective.

 

You can't make someone care for you. If they do they will contact you.

 

Yes,make your feelings be known, apologize if you did something wrong,tell them your crazy about them. etc

 

But put the ball in their court and not destroy your self esteem by stalkng and begging.

[mboston1]

If someone cares for you, they will miss you and make contact, its that simple.

 

That's all TheKhris is saying.

 

I think he is dead on.

 

Again, cry out your feelings to your ex, but only once.

 

And wait.

 

If they still care about you they will approach you first,

 

that's reality 101 Meanwhile, get on with your life, its just too f---ing short

[spinnelli]

It is NOT about making someone care for you. You can't do that with anybody anyway. But if you care for them, and you want to make it known, then do so. It's not going to guarantee that they'd come back to you, you'll only be voicing what you feel, "hey just so you know, I still love you and I miss you", period!. They may come back, and they may not.

 

Enough with the silly games. First of all, the whole concept of "winning someone back" is silly. You can't win people back, a person that wants to be with you will make the decision on their own, either you grovel or you don't. Grovelling or not grovelling has never played a role in me (as the dumper) going back to an ex. I go back because I still love and miss him, not because he begged me or didn't beg me to. I don't look at a dumpee as pathetic because they broke NC. I look at it as someone who lost a love and is grieving for the loss. Grief has different stages and eventually you will move on and get over it.

 

Note that I DID NOT say you should turn into a crazy stalker and trust me, YOU yourself would know when you are pushing it. But if you have something lodged in your heart that you want to tell your ex, just say it, in an email, in a letter, whatever, just say it and be done with it. All the false dignity and pride makes no sense. It's not a crime to love someone and it's not something to be ashamed of.

 

A dumper that wants you back ONLY because you started acting indifferent towards them is just interested in the chase. And believe me, you would have to keep up that indifference even when you get back together because once they have your full attention again, they will get bored and dump you again!.

 

A good thing to ALWAYS keep in mind, either you are in a relationship or not is that you cannot, under any circumstances make someone love you. As soon as you understand that one basic thing, you would know what actions to take, either talk to your ex or to walk away and never look back.

 

All I'm saying is, it's not about the games..."if I act this way or do this, then he/she will take me back". It's not about getting your way. A loving relationship is NOT a power struggle.

[Pink Amulet]

Arrghh I hate all of this ****. It's always the same guys too... You guys don't need your ex's you need a reality check.

[thekhris]

yep and the reality is we end up getting our ex back..thats the difference between us those who stubornly fights againts it..

we end up getting our ex back and were trying save other peoples butt too..

 

weve been there we tried it we prove your wrong...and we end up getting our ex back..

 

if you dont want to follow this tips well its up to you no one is forcing you,

 

put your own thread or own methods.. but what puzzles me is why are you guys so pissed off to this tips when it help us so damn great and were only tryng to help other people..

 

weve been there and we tried it and it work..now since we know how painfull it is and we can relate to it we also try to save others paoples butt... like those other people who gives us advices and save our butts back then..

[Pink Amulet]

Why would you want someone that left you?!?!

 

Honestly, if it takes all these bull**** mind games to get them back, why would you want them back at all?!

 

Obviously some thing was not right in the first place or the relationship would not have ended.

 

It is different if you both agree you should give it another shot. But it sounds like you are constantly trying to manipulate these poor girls to take you back.

 

LET

IT

GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[thekhris]

of corz that was im saying! that was this tread is saying let it go..

 

pls read the post first..there is no way you could say that its manipulation or somthing...

 

pink amulet wev been through a lot of issues and honestly i admire your wits and honesty....

 

read the post of the contributors first..

 

wish could edit it so eveyone can read it easily...

 

and the will to win som1 back or totaly forget their ex is up to them..and we should respect their decision..

 

im glad there are two kinds of group of good advcers here..

 

those who advices and helping som1 to move on and those who gives advices to win som1 back..

 

and we dont need to argue with that

[InaPanic]

I actually found the advice to be inspiring. I'm afraid I've done about every classic mistake mentioned & it has demeaned me & made me lose my self-respect. Reading this made me see what an idiot I was making of myself & how I should be dealing with this. I agree games are stupid but sometimes it's the bull you gotta do if for no other reason to get you by.

[sexyLMC]

pink thats so right!!!!!!

[thekhris]

I actually found the advice to be inspiring. I'm afraid I've done about every classic mistake mentioned & it has demeaned me & made me lose my self-respect.

dont worry its not that too late you can still save your dignity if you start to follow those advices from now on...

[RecordProducer]

we end up getting our ex back and were trying save other peoples butt too..

You're saving her potential new lovers from the misery by getting her back?

 

That's really altruistic of you!

 

Why would you want someone that left you?!?!

Tell this to the millions of people who are trying to win someone back right now! I used to belong to that group also when my ex-husband dumped me.

 

You're totally right. But I think it's a matter of vanity and blind, stupid love.

 

I didn't read the tips for winning someone back as I don't need them. I do believe that various strategies can work in certain circumstances though. People are playful, curious, sensitive to rejection, attention, compliments, insults and many other emotional tools that can be used against them in order to manipulate them. But in general, I think it's love that wins someone back.

 

When my husband got cold feet and left, I said I didn't want to hear from him ever again and refused to pick up the phone when he was calling. It worked, but it's not the game that made him marry me - it was love.

 

You can be mean to your darling then buy her flowers and apologize, but it's not the flowers or the apology that will soften her heart - it's her love for you that will encourage her to forgive you.

[whir]

of corz its love that makes them back... but in break up scenarios saying "i love you" wont make them love you and saying "Ive change and things would be better from now on" wont make them love you again..its the taste of loss that will make them wake up to the java beans and realize things that you want them to realize and relate to your pains..

 

Courting a girl to win her heart to love you to beguiin a new raltionship and winning som1 back to love you again is a completely different world..

 

But still same..they will comeback bcoz they realize that they love you..its just different on method on how you will make them feel that..

[Pink Amulet]

All your incoherent explanations are just running circles around the issue here... YOU CAN'T MAKE SOMEONE LOVE YOU!

[Lostgurl]

Spinelli, you wrote:

A good thing to ALWAYS keep in mind, either you are in a relationship or not is that you cannot, under any circumstances make someone love you. As soon as you understand that one basic thing, you would know what actions to take, either talk to your ex or to walk away and never look back

 

Sorry , im in the wrong thread to be posting this, but i would really like her opinion on this one.

 

What are your thoughts if a guy told you this?

 

"You made me love you" "You made me who i am today"

[SoCalCatman72]

What are your thoughts if a guy told you this?

 

"You made me love you" "You made me who i am today"

 

If a girl said that to me, I would run for the hills as if there were a 60ft tall tsunami headed inland.

 

Seriously, that's just whacked thinking. It smacks of desparation, need, and lack of identity.

 

Now if they say "You make me want to fall in love" and "you make me want to be a better person". then I probably would stick around to listen.

[spinnelli]

Spinelli, you wrote:

A good thing to ALWAYS keep in mind, either you are in a relationship or not is that you cannot, under any circumstances make someone love you. As soon as you understand that one basic thing, you would know what actions to take, either talk to your ex or to walk away and never look back

 

Sorry , im in the wrong thread to be posting this, but i would really like her opinion on this one.

 

What are your thoughts if a guy told you this?

 

"You made me love you" "You made me who i am today"

 

 

I'm not sure I understand what you are asking here, In what context did he say that?

[spinnelli]

You're saving her potential new lovers from the misery by getting her back?

 

That's really altruistic of you!

 

Tell this to the millions of people who are trying to win someone back right now! I used to belong to that group also when my ex-husband dumped me.

 

You're totally right. But I think it's a matter of vanity and blind, stupid love.

 

I didn't read the tips for winning someone back as I don't need them. I do believe that various strategies can work in certain circumstances though. People are playful, curious, sensitive to rejection, attention, compliments, insults and many other emotional tools that can be used against them in order to manipulate them. But in general, I think it's love that wins someone back.

 

When my husband got cold feet and left, I said I didn't want to hear from him ever again and refused to pick up the phone when he was calling. It worked, but it's not the game that made him marry me - it was love.

 

You can be mean to your darling then buy her flowers and apologize, but it's not the flowers or the apology that will soften her heart - it's her love for you that will encourage her to forgive you.

 

 

ding ding ding! Thank you!!!!. Love brings a person back to you not because you play hard to get or you grovel or you get over them. Blah....

A person who has made up his/her mind about you will not change it for all the grovelling in the world or all the "hard to get" head games you play.