The Best of: Winning Someone Back

[HGP]

This is a great thread with a lot of good advice. It's been rough for me lately with a situation with a girl - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t111500/ - and I realize I've done some things right and some things wrong. I decided on no contact pretty early when all that happened. After that we had a couple more conversations where I told her I'd fallen for her, that I wished I could go back and do things differently, and that she could call me whenever she was single again. And that I couldn't stay friends because I needed to get over her. I'm sure I came across as a little needy but considering our history and lack of communication, there were things that needed to be said on both sides. There was some tension too, and we got into a big fight on the phone at one point. My last contact was a text message, it was upbeat, saying no hard feelings and wishing her the best of luck in the future.

 

Well there's going to be at least once more where we see each other. She owes me some money, and in the fall she insisted on giving me a pair of earrings she got for her birthday until she could pay me back. A couple days ago she said she's going to when she gets paid next. So when I see her I'm going to be pleasant, no bringing up "us", maybe joke with her or tease her for a bit, and end the conversation. After that, no contact, and I can finally start to get her out of my mind.

 

This all happened not because she broke up with me, but because I pushed her away for like 3 months and, considering the circumstances, she figured she was fortunate that I was even friends with her and she moved on. Anyone think it was a good idea to tell her how I felt, why we couldn't be friends anymore, and that she could call me if she was single in the future? Or did that just serve to kill attraction? I'm undecided - going by her personality and what I know about her past relationships, once she commits herself to a guy, he's the only guy for her. So if she ever breaks up with the new guy, it won't be because of me. So I figure all I can do is be pleasant and confident on our next encounter, and then move on. Thoughts?

[thekhris]

how are you guys? I think someone is looking for me...

[Reactor]

When my ex and myself finally broke up (she dumped me). Her reasons? She couldn't give me the love I wanted/needed etc, typical stuff.

 

I gave her space. Two weeks later she contacts me, I go a bit wierd because everything in my life was upside down. I pour my heart out, she says "You shouldn't be doing this." I go "Ok" and log off (this was over MSN, DO NOT EVER TALK ABOUT A RELATIONSHIP OVER MSN!!!).

 

I go away again. Then when I get back I write her an e-mail saying I can't do this, I disappear, before I do she calls me and starts talking about her problems with her ex, ex boyfriend and stuff. She says she misses me and will miss me. Phone goes down, I haven't heard from her since. I write her an e-mail after 1.5 months of no contact saying I'd like to talk things over between us and that I miss her company. She doesn't even reply.

 

Now, looking back? I wouldn't take her back. She put me through more crap than I care to remember and changed me as a person. Your advice is all well and good, but to be honest I recommend to everyone that you come out of a relationship properly. Because trully only then can you see whats wrong even if you are the dumpee. What you do afterwards is completely up to you.

 

Rushing back in will only delay the inevitable.

 

My ex was a trainwreck. A lovely person, but a trainwreck and in the process of her trying to figure herself out she destroyed my self-esteem and my ability to love someone else. Sometimes, you have to be selfish and cut the cord. For your sake if no one elses.

[underpants]

I posted on this thread a long time ago as guest. I am on page 4, post number 62 for those that care.

 

I was in the middle of my 'Hello' video and mostly just reading posts.

 

Actually even in that unsettling time I think I sound like I was handling it ...pretty good.

 

[Curious139]

People place higher value what they can’t have or what they fear losing. When you are rejected or dumped, back off and you make their decision final. Don’t be taken for granted, don’t try to seduce them, NEVER try to explain or repair mistakes, don’t try to be friends, don’t change who you are or put on any acts, just cut them off and get on with your life. If they try to get in contact, be polite, but indifferent and don’t give them your time. Your time now is for other things and other people! Finally, if and when you do take them back, do so on your own terms and continue letting them know you can’t be taken for granted!

This is old advice and a golden rule, but hopefully the examples I’ve given have helped illustrate and emphasise this point.

 

Hi Thekris

 

You posted this over a year ago but this is the first time I've seen this thread. I just want to thank you for the sound advice.

 

I notice you took some strong criticism for what you said because it was termed manipulation but I think it is simple human psychology and there is nothing Machiavellian about it. Besides if going NC and getting on with life allows a person to heal then it is good therapy.

 

Thanks again for the thread.

[thekhris]

Cheers man!

[Hero2Zero]

Hi Thekhris, my gf wanted a break 11 weeks ago, and I gave it to her. The thing is, she didn't want to break up, just take a break to figure out what she wants for her future. There are lots of stressors, such as an overcontrolling mother, need to move out to get away from that, feeling that buying a house is the only way she is going to do it and of course, if I'm the one she really wants. She said she loves me, but is not in love with me. A lack of doing new things, going to new restaurants, etc. I did have a hand in it though, since I was in a figurative coma since I started work in January, she said she started not being happy in January. My fault, but then she should have told me something. A lack of communication on her part also led to this. This break is a big wake up call for me, of how I took her for granted , etc.

 

Since it was a lack of communication on her part, and a general letting the work tiredness take over on my part. Is it smart to go NC? I tried to have no contact, but she sends me an AIM everyday, pretty much, just with random news or funny videos. She got offended once when I didn't answer back. The thing is, she keeps telling me to find my own happiness separate from her, because she brings me down. But then she keeps contacting me. She can't make up her mind, she sometimes asks IF we get back together, not that it is the decision.... of IF we didn't get back together, not that it is the decision....

 

I'm getting mixed signals and I can't read her. She did say that it's more like being suspended from a job, but not leading to a termination, rather just a suspension. I wonder if that means she just needs more time. She is a great person and she is not the type to play people. I know she is being honest with me that she is confused and needs the time to figure herself out.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t129048/

My story there and here:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t127899/

 

Any advice?

[thekhris]

yes it is wise to do nc right now.keep clinging on her will only push her away even more Females are strongly influenced by their feelings than logic.When they feel that they dont want it anymore, they just wont do it.

 

now those struggles, stress and tension both you undergo destroys attraction.

 

and what the f#ck what are we talking about here?

 

the point here is making her want you to be with her...

 

and saying things to her to make her come back will not make her go back to you..like i said females do certain things based on what they feel not on logic..

 

so instead talking to her, giving reasons why she would go back to you throwing lot of logic to her to make her come back to you..make her feel that she needs you and the only thing that she will feel that way is for you to be out of her life..now girls are born with the instict that guys cannot handle the break up or they think every guy that they dump will still want them they actually believe it that its impossible so try your best to show that you really meant it..because whn she caught you that youre just bullcraping around youll be in a big trouble. even girls they admit that they dont understand their selves.. so in short make her feel that ... value equals love.. no value no love ...youre not valuble if youre just there pampering her around while she breaks up with you...why on earth she will go back to you? youre just there.she can pick you up every time while she is waiting for some guy that will bring her much more fun and enjoying life...

 

youre not a loss for her...

 

so make her feel that she loss somthing...

 

by

 

making youre self better......

 

and not being with her anymore.....

 

she will defintly look for that lost sheep and turn her back on that 100 sheeps is her farm...

 

relax...

[Hero2Zero]

Thanks Thekhris. Now do I just abruptly do NC? Or should I let her know that I don't want to have contact while I clear my head?

[hurt&lost]

thekhris, do you have any advice for girls? i read through your advice and they are tips for men. many thanks

[Hero2Zero]

At first, she didn't want to talk. Then later she was ok to meet up for dinner and what not. It seems like I"m making progress according to your advice. The only thing is, I never successfully got to do NC. I don't think she's ready to talk about us. But she is ok with going out to dinner and even going to karaoke with our friends. She didn't even want to go before. I don't know what's going on, but I don't want to bring us up yet. Any ideas?

[CaliGuy]

yes it is wise to do nc right now.keep clinging on her will only push her away even more Females are strongly influenced by their feelings than logic.When they feel that they dont want it anymore, they just wont do it.

 

now those struggles, stress and tension both you undergo destroys attraction.

 

and what the f#ck what are we talking about here?

 

the point here is making her want you to be with her...

 

and saying things to her to make her come back will not make her go back to you..like i said females do certain things based on what they feel not on logic..

 

so instead talking to her, giving reasons why she would go back to you throwing lot of logic to her to make her come back to you..make her feel that she needs you and the only thing that she will feel that way is for you to be out of her life..now girls are born with the instict that guys cannot handle the break up or they think every guy that they dump will still want them they actually believe it that its impossible so try your best to show that you really meant it..because whn she caught you that youre just bullcraping around youll be in a big trouble. even girls they admit that they dont understand their selves.. so in short make her feel that ... value equals love.. no value no love ...youre not valuble if youre just there pampering her around while she breaks up with you...why on earth she will go back to you? youre just there.she can pick you up every time while she is waiting for some guy that will bring her much more fun and enjoying life...

 

youre not a loss for her...

 

so make her feel that she loss somthing...

 

by

 

making youre self better......

 

and not being with her anymore.....

 

she will defintly look for that lost sheep and turn her back on that 100 sheeps is her farm...

 

relax...

 

I agree to a point. If you're clingy and needy with a woman, that is an istant turn off for reasons that go far deeper than I can explain here.

 

But just walking away and making them miss you isn't enough. You have to pick yourself up off the floor and rebuild your confidence and self-esteem. And even then, there's no guarantee they'll want you back. Kind of like spoiled milk. Once they get a taste of a bad relationship with you, they're not likely to come back.

 

Women make rational decisions to leave a relationship that for all intents and purposes was irrational to begin with. What I mean is, women do not make decisions as far as who they date based on logic. They base them on feel as was mentioned earlier. How you make them feel is how much they'll be attracted or not attracted to you.

 

Men on the other hand tend to make irrational decisions to leave where the relationship to them was very logical. This explains why men are much more likely to desire a second chance and women are not.

 

Men don't confer with other men before they break up, they just do it.

 

Women confer, ponder, talk to their friends and rake the relationship over the coals for a long time then emotionally detach themselves before eventually breaking off the relationship.

 

For women, all they have to do is move on and start dating someone else. That usually sparks jealousy and can sometimes ignite a second chance though that reason alone can often mean second chance failure.

 

For men, the odds are extremely slim for a second chance. The best thing to do is rebuild your confidence and self-esteem and make yourself as happy as you can possibly be. No begging, no calling, no flowers, no email, no calls, etc. Start dating as soon as you feel ready but don't commit or be a man wh*re. Just get yourself adjusted to meeting and going out with women again.

 

Once your confidence and self-esteem are rebuilt and you have some time to reflect you'll soon realize the breakup was necessary and probably a good thing for you. And odds are you won't want the ex back. Every one of us experiences heartbreak at one time or another. No one is immune. It's how we handle the breakup that determines how soon we recover and find the RIGHT one for us.

[Scorpio13c]

yes it is wise to do nc right now.keep clinging on her will only push her away even more Females are strongly influenced by their feelings than logic.When they feel that they dont want it anymore, they just wont do it.

 

now those struggles, stress and tension both you undergo destroys attraction.

 

and what the f#ck what are we talking about here?

 

the point here is making her want you to be with her...

 

and saying things to her to make her come back will not make her go back to you..like i said females do certain things based on what they feel not on logic..

 

 

 

so instead talking to her, giving reasons why she would go back to you throwing lot of logic to her to make her come back to you..make her feel that she needs you and the only thing that she will feel that way is for you to be out of her life..now girls are born with the instict that guys cannot handle the break up or they think every guy that they dump will still want them they actually believe it that its impossible so try your best to show that you really meant it..because whn she caught you that youre just bullcraping around youll be in a big trouble. even girls they admit that they dont understand their selves.. so in short make her feel that ... value equals love.. no value no love ...youre not valuble if youre just there pampering her around while she breaks up with you...why on earth she will go back to you? youre just there.she can pick you up every time while she is waiting for some guy that will bring her much more fun and enjoying life...

 

youre not a loss for her...

 

so make her feel that she loss somthing...

 

by

 

making youre self better......

 

and not being with her anymore.....

 

she will defintly look for that lost sheep and turn her back on that 100 sheeps is her farm...

 

relax...

 

Thank you very much for originally posting this thread Thekhris, i'm sure it has & will continue to help a lot of hurting people here! It has made me feel better too )

I am very happy you are back posting, you are a true Humanitarian to your fellow humans, I wish you well !

 

Scorp

[Scorpio13c]

I agree to a point. If you're clingy and needy with a woman, that is an istant turn off for reasons that go far deeper than I can explain here.

 

But just walking away and making them miss you isn't enough. You have to pick yourself up off the floor and rebuild your confidence and self-esteem. And even then, there's no guarantee they'll want you back. Kind of like spoiled milk. Once they get a taste of a bad relationship with you, they're not likely to come back.

 

Women make rational decisions to leave a relationship that for all intents and purposes was irrational to begin with. What I mean is, women do not make decisions as far as who they date based on logic. They base them on feel as was mentioned earlier. How you make them feel is how much they'll be attracted or not attracted to you.

 

Men on the other hand tend to make irrational decisions to leave where the relationship to them was very logical. This explains why men are much more likely to desire a second chance and women are not.

 

Men don't confer with other men before they break up, they just do it.

 

Women confer, ponder, talk to their friends and rake the relationship over the coals for a long time then emotionally detach themselves before eventually breaking off the relationship.

 

For women, all they have to do is move on and start dating someone else. That usually sparks jealousy and can sometimes ignite a second chance though that reason alone can often mean second chance failure.

 

For men, the odds are extremely slim for a second chance. The best thing to do is rebuild your confidence and self-esteem and make yourself as happy as you can possibly be. No begging, no calling, no flowers, no email, no calls, etc. Start dating as soon as you feel ready but don't commit or be a man wh*re. Just get yourself adjusted to meeting and going out with women again.

 

Once your confidence and self-esteem are rebuilt and you have some time to reflect you'll soon realize the breakup was necessary and probably a good thing for you. And odds are you won't want the ex back. Every one of us experiences heartbreak at one time or another. No one is immune. It's how we handle the breakup that determines how soon we recover and find the RIGHT one for us.

 

Great post, thanks Caliguy, you too have given a lot of insight to the hurting as well !

 

Scorp

[Hero2Zero]

So, I tried not responding to AIM for the past 4 days. Today she said "hi" in the morning. I still haven't responded. So at 3:45pm today, she says "I'm getting the hint, I won't bother you anymore."

 

We've had great rapport and contact this whole 12 weeks that we were taking a break. But it didn't seem like anything was happening. The last time I talked to her was Friday of last week, on AIM. Am I doing the wrong thing right now and being a jerk? Or am I right in doing this since I don't think the other way is making progress..? I'm really confused.

 

I'm so confused right now. I'm trying to be nice and not have her hate me, because that's the last thing I want. I don't want to hurt her. She seems to have been more and more ok with going out to dinner or talking than before, but it seems like I'm still where I was yesterday. Is it the right move on my part to have no contact? I know it risks any type of progress that the past 12 weeks has made, if there is any at all. Or is NC the way to go to get actual progress. The end result of what I'm trying to do is get her back. But that's something only she can decide on. By the way, we never had NC this whole time, until this week, when I did it. What am I to do?

[Hero2Zero]

Or do I continue to talk to/see her and keep it light and happy as if nothing is wrong, and try to give her an escape from all that she is dealing with?

[CaliGuy]

So, I tried not responding to AIM for the past 4 days. Today she said "hi" in the morning. I still haven't responded. So at 3:45pm today, she says "I'm getting the hint, I won't bother you anymore."

 

Let me translate for you:

 

She said: "Im getting the hint, I won't bother you anymore."

She meant: "I'm immature and when you don't come running to me when I call, I pout like a baby."

 

She's testing her strings on you. Not answering her is a GOOD thing.

 

We've had great rapport and contact this whole 12 weeks that we were taking a break. But it didn't seem like anything was happening. The last time I talked to her was Friday of last week, on AIM. Am I doing the wrong thing right now and being a jerk? Or am I right in doing this since I don't think the other way is making progress..? I'm really confused.

 

How are you being a jerk? By being BUSY and having a LIFE that doesn't include her? That's called being a man. Did you dump her? I don't see how you could be the jerk here.

 

I'm so confused right now. I'm trying to be nice and not have her hate me, because that's the last thing I want. I don't want to hurt her.

 

So only her feelings matter and not yours? That's not a healthy way to view things. If she's the one who broke it off, you shouldn't be feeling guilty about moving on with your life. That's what everyone SHOULD do when they've been dumped. Stop worrying about her feelings for the time being and focus on yours.

 

She seems to have been more and more ok with going out to dinner or talking than before, but it seems like I'm still where I was yesterday. Is it the right move on my part to have no contact? I know it risks any type of progress that the past 12 weeks has made, if there is any at all. Or is NC the way to go to get actual progress. The end result of what I'm trying to do is get her back. But that's something only she can decide on. By the way, we never had NC this whole time, until this week, when I did it. What am I to do?

 

NC is implemented as the quickest means for you to move on, not as a wayt o manipulate someone back into your life. If you want to be down forever, keep in contact with her. Unless she says the magic words "I made a mistake, I am sorry, I want to try again" I wouldn't even reply to anything she has to say....

[Hero2Zero]

Actually, she didn't ask for a break, I was the idiot who suggested it, and she took it... Does that change anything?

 

The reason I feel like I'm being a bit of a jerk is that I was supposed to call her last weekend and I didn't, then this week, I just decided to not contact her. I feel like I pulled the rug from under her feet because we were talking last week and even said we should go do something and we were both cool about it, and all of a sudden, bam!, I'm not talking to her. That's why I feel like I did something wrong. She's never tried to cut me verbally or anything bad, she just said she's not ready yet. So I don't really harbor ill feelings, just a feeling of being rejected and not being let in, but I don't hate her and I'm not mad at her.

[Hero2Zero]

"How are you being a jerk? By being BUSY and having a LIFE that doesn't include her? That's called being a man. Did you dump her? I don't see how you could be the jerk here."

 

I feel like I'm being the jerk because I'm going out of my way to not answer back on AIM. I just don't feel like I'm THAT busy right now, and I keep looking at that window...

 

I need AIM for work, so it's not like I can just close it.

 

And here's a curveball - We're both in my sister's wedding party in October. Not the guests, but the actual wedding party...

[CaliGuy]

Actually, she didn't ask for a break, I was the idiot who suggested it, and she took it... Does that change anything?

 

Yeah.

 

The reason I feel like I'm being a bit of a jerk is that I was supposed to call her last weekend and I didn't, then this week, I just decided to not contact her. I feel like I pulled the rug from under her feet because we were talking last week and even said we should go do something and we were both cool about it, and all of a sudden, bam!, I'm not talking to her. That's why I feel like I did something wrong. She's never tried to cut me verbally or anything bad, she just said she's not ready yet. So I don't really harbor ill feelings, just a feeling of being rejected and not being let in, but I don't hate her and I'm not mad at her.

 

Then maybe it's time to be honest with her about what you want...

[Hero2Zero]

Care to expand? What does it change? I've told her before that I would like us to give it another shot. She said she's not ready at that time. I think I'm being honest...

 

Care to explain more? I'm confused.

[CaliGuy]

"How are you being a jerk? By being BUSY and having a LIFE that doesn't include her? That's called being a man. Did you dump her? I don't see how you could be the jerk here."

 

I feel like I'm being the jerk because I'm going out of my way to not answer back on AIM. I just don't feel like I'm THAT busy right now, and I keep looking at that window...

 

I need AIM for work, so it's not like I can just close it.

 

And here's a curveball - We're both in my sister's wedding party in October. Not the guests, but the actual wedding party...

 

Then just tell her what you want and deal with it. Why is this an agonizing decision for you? If you think you screwed up, tell her and then let her decide what she wants to do and be at peace with her decision.

[CaliGuy]

Care to expand? What does it change? I've told her before that I would like us to give it another shot. She said she's not ready at that time. I think I'm being honest...

 

Care to explain more? I'm confused.

 

Well you probably hurt her. She isn't going to come running back to you. Trust has been lost.

 

In your case, you've told her how you feel. You just have to wait things out. Reply if you feel you need to reply but going NC with her won't necessarily force her back to you.

 

I'm not the expert though because when I dump someone I generally move on and don't regret it because at that point I've mentally checked out of the relationship.

[Hero2Zero]

I hurt her by not responding? Or by offering to let her take a break if she needs it? We never made solid plans over the weekend, so it's not like I stood her up. She's the dumper in this case, and I do feel that even if we gave it another try, it would be like starting over, or at least there needs to be time to regain trust on both sides.

[CaliGuy]

I hurt her by not responding? Or by offering to let her take a break if she needs it? We never made solid plans over the weekend, so it's not like I stood her up. She's the dumper in this case, and I do feel that even if we gave it another try, it would be like starting over, or at least there needs to be time to regain trust on both sides.

 

I meant when you broke it off.

 

She doesn't trust you anymore. You're the one who has to earn her trust. You've made it known you want to work things out and she is staying her distance.

 

You either decide to press her (bad idea) or give her space (better idea) but in your case going NC is not what I would recommend. To earn her trust back, you have to be talking and sharing time together.