The Best of: Winning Someone Back

[Lostandfound]

thanks for the advise, the thing is it is going to be his birthday the 11 th and i dont know what to do i would let him know i wish the best to let him know i care but without sounding desperate

what should i say?

thanks

 

Just say , if you must contact him , that i hope you have a great birthday, will be thinking of you, leave it at that.

 

You are bound to get a reply to that, of some nature or another, it may be the one you are waiting for

[theadventure50120]

thanks for the advise, the thing is it is going to be his birthday the 11 th and i dont know what to do i would let him know i wish the best to let him know i care but without sounding desperate

what should i say?

thanks

 

Say what you have to say without looking happy or sad , no emotions. Put the message across by just words.

 

Like 2 people have already said. "Happy birthday , have a good one".

[Guest]

i was wondering what you guys make of this situation... i have read these post,, so i get how it all works or what not to use no contact ,

here's my deal first off my boyfriend broke up with me back in oct. i

intiated no contact after he called me two mondays in row (after our break) i never picked up and stayed in NC till i texted a happy thanksgiving text. he responded with a text back (he used my nickname he made up for me) and said happy t-day... then he later texted a ambiguous txt saying- using again my nickname for me, then saying thanks for a wonderful yr ,, that i am a big part of it and a big part of his memory, and to have fun on my vacation...

 

but it seemed like a strange text did not know how to take it,, so i text him what he meant by that and all he siad was i did not mean to be ambigous... so that still did not make me feel any better. I waited a week and txted him.. i asked if we could talk via the phone he agreed,, so we talked and had a nice convo,, both of us decided it would be good if we tryed to work on being friends... he mentioned meeting up sometime in the new yr....for a drink sometime.. i said sure, and then he said to text him when i got back from my vacation back in dec... which i never did because he pulled a weird stunt right before i left town. he called my work( a bar) to see if i was working,, it so happens i answered the phone and he pretended to be someone else... .. he then text me back to say sorry about that he just wasnt sure if i was working or gone on my vacation,, he apoligized and said he talk to me in the new year...it is the new year now, and i have not heard from him,, and yet he was the one to bring up hanging out in the new year,, he never did say when thou?? i guess i was assuming sooner then later in the new year,,

 

but after that strange phone call i dont know what to make of him. But i have not contacted him since that weird call and that was back in the first week of Dec.. Why do you think he said he'd like to meet up ,but now i have not heard from him,,,,,?? anyone got some advice,, i know i guess i wont contact him till he does but really what is he doing?,, and is there a chance he will call adventually? i'd appreciate some feed back thanks guys so far all these post have been highly helpful,, i have been reading these since early december....he he

[thekhris]

Im glad this tread that I Compiled helped a lot people.Its been a while since I last ligner in this site..But I have one more advice that I should put in..

 

If youre undergoing this tips..AVOID FIGHTING AND AVOID ARGUMENTS...

 

Spread the tips on this site... Godspeed

[thekhris]

and one more thing..Print all the the advices on the first page of this tread to guide you and to keep you reminded..Specilally when youre loosing it...

 

 

BELEIVE

[Nanachu]

TheKhris, welcome back!!!!!!!!!!! I am a big fan of you!

I actually have a question for you. I would like to get your advice on my situation. If you do not mind helping me, what's the best way for me to post my question?

 

Thank you very much!

[chica_ny]

I have been reading this thread. I have been broken up with Ex for almost 4 weeks now and NC for 3 weeks. Our last conversation on the phone was very emotional. He broke up with me because he said that he was not happy. He is not in love with me anymore. He didn't know how to bring it back and it was gone. He said that he will always love me and that he has learned alot from me in this relationship (almost 2 1/2 years together). He said that this has been the Best relationship he has been in and I agreed that it was the same for me also. He said that somewhere we lost a connection between us. I said that I know and that I also felt unhappy lately. I noticed that he was pulling away before we broke up and he was not very attentive to me. I brought this up and he said that he was just stressed over a family member in the hospital and that he just wanted us to move in together and get back to us being us. We were supposed to move in together this year.

 

Now, I can't get something out of my head since we last spoke. He said " I still want you in my life" and " I think we were supposed to meet and learn from each other or that maybe the timing was wrong for us". I don't know what to think. I just said to him that I love him enough to let him go. I told him that I still care about him and that I don't hate him. He thought I hated him and he said that he just needed time before he called me. I told him that I understood. On our last conversation, he was crying when he told me what went wrong with our relationship and I also was crying as I told him what went wrong. We were talking about why it came to this and it hurt both of us alot that we broke up. We talked about us and we joked around a bit and got some laughs. It was a very emotionally charged talk, it was very open and through all this I was very hurt and now I understand that BOTH of us is to blame for this.

 

I understand that I needed to communicate better and he also agreed that he should have also.

 

I still love him and we still want to have each other in our lives. I don't want to call him yet. I still need time and I believe that he needs time also. It was very hard to hang up with him. I just don't know what to do.

He said to call him if I need to talk and I said the same to him. What does this mean???

 

I haven't called him and he hasn't called me. I am trying to heal myself before I speak to him again. We hurt each other and I understand that this is not a healthy way to continue in a relationship.

 

I miss him!

 

Thank you for hearing me out.

[mishy]

A female friend of mine was in a relationship for 2 years with a typical “nice guy”. He’d buy her gifts, pay for her and do anything for her. She flirted with guys in front of him and he’d just sit there like a goof and say nothing. Then she finally accepted he was “too nice” and decided to break up with him.

At first he cried and took it really badly. He confessed his love for her and asked how he could change. Meanwhile she started ****ing another guy in secret. Every time this new guy was mean to her, she’d call her old boyfriend and he’d take her out and buy her gifts etc. Then she’d ignore him for weeks after.

Next time she tried to contact her ex- he finally acted like a man. He told her it was over, he wasn’t interested in being friends any more and she should stop calling him. She did the exact opposite and started calling him more. He started ignoring her and she started getting upset and moaning to her friends about how she regrets leaving him and she was stupid for letting him go.

Months have passed and she still tries to contact him. She recently found out he has a new girlfriend and since then she has been crying herself to sleep at night, looking through old photos and listening to their favourite songs. She has said she would take him back within a second, has begged him to give her another chance, but he has refused.[/i][/b][/i]

 

This is an absolute classic. I love it. Serves her right

[thekhris]

TheKhris, welcome back!!!!!!!!!!! I am a big fan of you!

I actually have a question for you. I would like to get your advice on my situation. If you do not mind helping me, what's the best way for me to post my question?

 

Thank you very much!

 

Okay man..since i sedome visit this site..you could email me to [email protected]... Title youre message " need advise from you khris"

 

see you there..

[shockandawed]

Thekhris,

 

Thank you so much for putting this on here. I am somewhere between stage 2 and 3. This is so timely and helpful. Without it, I am sure I would be breaking down the door to let her back in. Willpower and faith......

[thekhris]

me too back then;)

[kimba]

there has to be something in all this, all these techniques, they make my head spin. Thekhris would do well to put a book out on it. Or better still, how bout a forum on LS called No Contact??? I think it needs its own forum. Its high time.

[Guest]

i'd just like to say thanks for making this thread it realy helped me out and saved my relationship that i dearly love, i learned i was being to possessive and well just flat out annoying.

[changwang310]

ok , just got done reading all 35 pages of this thread, its great stuff i've gotta admit

 

i've got a question for all you breakup gurus, how does someone (the dumpee) all of a sudden come out of nowhere to say "miss you, i sorry, i want you back" if you've done NC for a month cuz i told her we can't be friends. Doesn't the atrraction need to be build up first from the ground up beginning with friendship/acquaintences? Women have pride and egos and i think it gets in the way of them just come crawling back to you after a month NC

 

Has this all become a game between the dumper and the dumpee of who will crack/breakdown first?

[Guest]

So, these suggestions read like a complete list of everything I have done wrong in the past month since she left me. Does that mean that the damage is already done, that she is gone? Or can I still have a chance, by changing my behavior now?

[Dubb]

So, these suggestions read like a complete list of everything I have done wrong in the past month since she left me. Does that mean that the damage is already done, that she is gone? Or can I still have a chance, by changing my behavior now?

 

Well put it this way... Did your behavior the last month get her back? It didn't work right? Fall off the face of the planet. If she wants you she will contact you.

[CaliGuy]

ok , just got done reading all 35 pages of this thread, its great stuff i've gotta admit

 

i've got a question for all you breakup gurus, how does someone (the dumpee) all of a sudden come out of nowhere to say "miss you, i sorry, i want you back" if you've done NC for a month cuz i told her we can't be friends. Doesn't the atrraction need to be build up first from the ground up beginning with friendship/acquaintences? Women have pride and egos and i think it gets in the way of them just come crawling back to you after a month NC

 

Has this all become a game between the dumper and the dumpee of who will crack/breakdown first?

 

 

You are missing the point of NC. It isn't to "make them miss you and win them back", it's to get over them completely.

[Star Gazer]

You are missing the point of NC. It isn't to "make them miss you and win them back", it's to get over them completely.

 

Ah, not quite. It's really 2 pronged: EITHER (1) they miss you terribly and come back, or (2) you're able to get over them. Either way you're the winner...hence the importance of NC!

[CaliGuy]

Ah, not quite. It's really 2 pronged: EITHER (1) they miss you terribly and come back, or (2) you're able to get over them. Either way you're the winner...hence the importance of NC!

 

But if you're using NC as a means to manipulate them back into your life, you're not healing and getting over them. You're still sitting around pining for them, you're just not calling them and begging.

[Am4Real]

But if you're using NC as a means to manipulate them back into your life, you're not healing and getting over them. You're still sitting around pining for them, you're just not calling them and begging.

 

If you impose it and stick with it then it cannot be called manipulative. If you impose it with the intent of having a deadline or breaking it on impulse or when one "thinks the time is right", then yes it's absolutely a manipulative tactic.

[Am4Real]

there has to be something in all this, all these techniques, they make my head spin. Thekhris would do well to put a book out on it. Or better still, how bout a forum on LS called No Contact??? I think it needs its own forum. Its high time.

 

I think a lot of people confuse "hope" and "expectation". You can impose NC and "hope" that one day your ol'flame and you might find each other, but if you set expectations the point of NC is being missed.

 

Much of the beginning of this entire thread is about manipulative tactics to set one's expectations for a reunion. Although I am sure some of them have and do work under certain conditions, I would think the percentage is small (IMHO), therefore anyone with false expectations and a lot of time on their hands could be setting themselves up for a secondary crash of their emotions. Especially if after going through all these techniques the results are not only the same but possibly worse.

 

[highlight]Most dumpers have been dumped themselves at some point and completely understand both sides of the fence, keeping that in perspective I think it's best to go through the pain and healing of the breakup and move on -- I think it's okay to carry with you any hope you might want to, just keep expectations out of the equation.[/highlight] These are my two-fifths of a nickel anyway!

[CaliGuy]

If you impose it and stick with it then it cannot be called manipulative. If you impose it with the intent of having a deadline or breaking it on impulse or when one "thinks the time is right", then yes it's absolutely a manipulative tactic.

 

 

Heh, that was my point. You implement NC with the absolute intent of moving on. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

The problem is the many, many messages on LS where the dumpee is asking "How long do I have to stick to NC before they contact me?!"

 

All I am saying is they're not using NC to heal in those instances. They are simply hoping that NC causes their ex to miss them and reconcile.

[Am4Real]

Heh, that was my point. You implement NC with the absolute intent of moving on. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

The problem is the many, many messages on LS where the dumpee is asking "How long do I have to stick to NC before they contact me?!"

 

All I am saying is they're not using NC to heal in those instances. They are simply hoping that NC causes their ex to miss them and reconcile.

 

Cali, I agree wholeheartedly with you, we’re saying the same thing. I was adding clarification (hopefully) adding the word deadline. Like you, I see many posts where there is an implied “ending” of NC.

 

In reality there could be and end at some point, but we’re both saying you go into NC introspectively with only one expectation – to heal thyself.

 

p.s. THANK YOU for finally responding to one of my posts – I was concerned my responses/comments were not good enough (smiles).

[CaliGuy]

Cali, I agree wholeheartedly with you, we’re saying the same thing. I was adding clarification (hopefully) adding the word deadline. Like you, I see many posts where there is an implied “ending” of NC.

 

In reality there could be and end at some point, but we’re both saying you go into NC introspectively with only one expectation – to heal thyself.

 

p.s. THANK YOU for finally responding to one of my posts – I was concerned my responses/comments were not good enough (smiles).

 

Nine times out of ten if I don't reply to a well thought out post of yours, or anyone else's for that matter, it simply means that I didn't feel I needed to add anything to it.

 

I agree with you. NC without a deadline is ideal. The only deadline should be for when you feel you really need to start moving on. For me, I wish I had set mine sooner. I think I allowed myself far too much time to grieve and not enough time enjoying the moment. I screwed up with a few really good women because I wasn't over the ex yet.

 

You live, you learn

[Am4Real]

 

You live, you learn

 

 

 

Isn’t that the truth?

 

As a testament to life itself, this would be my third break up of significance and as you would expect they do not get any easier just because one is experienced. However, I found because of the scaring and the long drawn out process of the second one (she was a real heart breaker) I entered and concluded the Five Stages of Grief or Crisis Response quicker and wiser than previous occurrences. Actually, I skipped the bargaining step altogether on this one which in itself I reflect as experience being the teacher (Five Stages of Grief": Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.).

 

For others in this process, I found this great article on the net at http://www.counselingforloss.com/article8.htm (permission to use their material is granted within the footnote appearing on the WEB page) and have extrapolated this small analogy as a common day example. Its funny how closely relationship terminations or better said (being dumped) resembles this:

 

So, are the 5 Stages without value? Not if they are used as originally intended, as The 5 Stages of Receiving Catastrophic News. One can even extrapolate to The 5 Stages of Coping With Trauma. Death need not be involved.

 

As an example, apply the 5 stages to a traumatic event most all of us have experienced: The Dead Battery! You're going to be late to work so you rush out to your car, place the key in the ignition and turn it on. You hear nothing but a grind; the battery is dead.

 

DENIAL: What's the first thing you do? You try to start it again! And again. You may check to make sure the radio, heater, lights, etc. are off and then..., try again.

 

ANGER: "%$@^##& car!", "I should have junked you years ago." Did you slam your hand on the steering wheel? I have. "I should just leave you out in the rain and let you rust."

 

BARGAINING: (realizing that you're going to be late for work)..., "Oh please car, if you will just start one more time I promise I'll buy you a brand new battery, get a tune up, new tires, belts and hoses, and keep you in perfect working condition.

 

DEPRESSION: "Oh God, what am I going to do. I'm going to be late for work. I give up. My job is at risk and I don't really care any more. What's the use".

 

ACCEPTANCE: "Ok. It's dead. Guess I had better call the Auto Club or find another way to work. Time to get on with my day; I'll deal with this later."

 

This is not a trivial example. In fact, we all go through this process numerous times a day. A dead battery, the loss of a parking space, a wrong number, the loss of a pet, a job, a move to another city, an overdrawn bank account, etc. Things to remember are:

 

Any [highlight]Change Of Circumstance[/highlight] can cause us to go through this process.

 

We don't have to go through the stages in sequence. We can skip a stage or go through two or three simultaneously.

 

We can go through them in different time phases. The dead battery could take maybe 5 to 10 minutes, the loss of a parking space 5 to 10 seconds. A traumatic event which involves the Criminal Justice System can take years.

 

The intensity and duration of the reaction depends on how significant the change-produced loss is perceived.