The Best of: Winning Someone Back

[luther]

Hey all, well I found this site about four hours ago, which was half an hour after my gf of 9 1/2 years called it quits.

 

To make a long story short, I did something that hurt her and she didnt tell

 

me that it did hurt her until after I found out she had been cheating on me

 

for the past month 1/2. When I confronted her about it she told

 

me that she fell out of love with me and our relationship could not be fixed,

 

that it was beyond hope. So she left to think things through. She ended up

 

coming back 2 days later and said we can try to make it work. I told her in

 

order for us to work she has to break off all contact from him and she

 

agreed. This was back in August. Every week since that day I caught her

 

either calling him, IMing him, meeting him at her sisters and once waking in

 

the middle of the night and finding her not in the house, went to his and

 

found her there. Happened every week like clock work almost to the exact

 

day of the week. Everytime this happened I either kicked her out or she left

 

on her own only to come back a day or 2 later telling me the same crap

 

about being done with him and how much she loved me. Like everyone else

 

I begged, cried, told her I would change, we could work on our problems,

 

dont throw away everything we have, sent flowers, wrote a poem for the

 

first time. Trying to do everything I could to win her back, to show her I

 

was sorry, that I cared, that I loved her. Well 2 weeks ago same ole same

 

ole and she left again. Said she needed time to be alone away from both of

 

us and needed time to think and to give her 3 weeks. Waited 4 days, wrote

 

her that poem. Two days later she stoped by to pick up some things. Few

 

more days went by I seen her in the store, told her I missed her, loved her

 

and she said she did too. So this morning I went and bought her flowers,

 

left them at her sisters and waited. Didnt hear anything from her so I went

 

over to see if she got them and there he was sitting there with her at her

 

sisters.

 

Me- "whats he doing here?"

Her- "I invited him over"

Me- " You cant call or come over to see me but..."

Her- " I cant do this anymore"

Me - "So this is it?"

Her- "Yes"

Me- "Cant we talk about this?"

Her - "No, not now I dont want to"

Me- "Will you come over tomorrow?"

Her- "I dont know"

Me - "Want me to come here?"

Her - " I might call you"

 

Then she closed the door. So came home a wreck because this whole time

 

of hers to get away and think I really felt she would choose me. So

 

anyways I read about 30 pages and decided to join the site and post. I

 

want to give NC a chance but I really think I blew it and after reading all

 

those posts I did everything to push her farther away. Especially today

 

with the flowers. So now she "might" call or come over today. How do I

 

handle this, since I asked her to come over or at least call me? The fact

 

that I hurt her, hurts me I think even more knowing I put her through so

 

much pain, to the one I say I love more than anything. I did this to myself.

[alwayshurt]

why would you want her back after she reapetedly cheated on you?

Yes you're right. By acting like a wuss you pushed her away and to the other guy arms probably because this guy is not being as clingy as you are.

However, the fact that she is gone, as hard as it can be for you, should give you the break you need to think things over and make the right decision once your emotional level is back to normal. In fact, I don't think it's her whom needs a break. You do. It is your ego that makes you feel this way because of rejection. Nobody looks forward to be together with a cheater.

So, stop begging, praying her, sending her flowere or writing her poems. Stop being a wuss or a doormat for her. Go NC right away and forget about this woman. She is not worth your attention. She is out.

[luther]

Because I feel that my actions led her to cheat on me and would have not happened otherwise.

 

So if she calls me like I asked her to do last night should I not answer?

 

What if she comes over instead then what?

 

We have lived together for 8 1/2 years, everything we have we got together. Should I pack her stuff and leave it outside and change the locks so she doesnt come while Im at work. Thats what I think she'll do. Or just leave everything as is and let her do it?

 

As far as talking to her I dont think I can play it cool. She will see the distress written all over me, even if I try to hid it.

[alwayshurt]

I think there are many ways to express disapproval to your partner for his/her behaviour toward you. But cheating is not a good way to show, that apart the current situation, there is still love there. It is a form of disrespect and to me she does not deserve second chance. If she had left you before she started with the other guy it would have been different but screwing with somebody else while sleeping in your bed and under your roof, to me, is not respec therfore not acceptable.

 

That being said, it is up to you how you'll handle this. I would just drop her stuff to a common friend, maybe her sister, while she is not there and then start healing myself with a good round of NC. I would make sure she doesn't know what I am doing or what I am up to.

Look, even if she called you, or showed up to you, crying she was sorry and bla bla bla (I doubt it will happen, though), taking her back now will only complicate your life and make your pain longer, because:

 

1)you are not emotionally ready

2)sooner or later, once the water is calm again, you will eventually bring up the cheating issue, have more fights about that, break up again

 

Do you really want to go through all this?

 

Just accept the situation and move on.

 

Good luck.

[frd150]

I think there are many ways to express disapproval to your partner for his/her behaviour toward you. But cheating is not a good way to show, that apart the current situation, there is still love there. It is a form of disrespect and to me she does not deserve second chance. If she had left you before she started with the other guy it would have been different but screwing with somebody else while sleeping in your bed and under your roof, to me, is not respec therfore not acceptable.

 

That being said, it is up to you how you'll handle this. I would just drop her stuff to a common friend, maybe her sister, while she is not there and then start healing myself with a good round of NC. I would make sure she doesn't know what I am doing or what I am up to.

Look, even if she called you, or showed up to you, crying she was sorry and bla bla bla (I doubt it will happen, though), taking her back now will only complicate your life and make your pain longer, because:

 

1)you are not emotionally ready

2)sooner or later, once the water is calm again, you will eventually bring up the cheating issue, have more fights about that, break up again

 

Do you really want to go through all this?

 

Just accept the situation and move on.

 

Good luck.

 

 

Yes and Yes!

 

There are so many things that are forgivable but imo cheating is not one of them. Do not waste your sanity on her anymore. No contact and begin to heal.

 

Your right if you talk now then your emotions will be hard to hide. I made that mistake along time ago I can see myself sitting there begging only to have that flood of emotions be ignored.

 

Once a cheater always a cheater,all bets are off. Sorry dude. I know the hurt of a ltr ending.

 

Let me ask you if I may...why did you never marry? It just seems like along time to be together. Looking at all this now maybe its for the best. Lawyers and whatnot are not fun.

[luther]

I understand what the both of you are saying, I really do. Maybe its my state of mind right now I dont know, but I want her back. Nine good years, 4 bad months alot more good than bad. Almost 10 years, my entire 20's gone, I cant accept that right now.

 

Neither of us believe in marriage is the simple reason. Until this happened things were good and no kids are involved so marriage wasnt necessary.

[can'tbuyabucket]

its been about an entire year since i last posted on this thread. i can easily say that i'm so much happier than back then. i've done no contact for good back in march and guess who called me on my birthday last weekend. not only that she has tried to contact me on numerous occasions by email. she has asked if i was seeing anyone. she basically admitted to looking at my online networking profile saying that she's noticed that i've grown out my hair and that it looks really good. she's gone as far as to say that the past couple months have been rough for her and it made her realize who her true friends are and that she cared about me then and she cares about me now.

 

only problem is that i'm so far past it that i don't give a ****.

 

and i'm pursuing someone, who in my eyes could probably treat me a thousand times better than she ever could.

 

i know how it feels and all i can say is go no contact. do it for yourself. time heals all. one can't appreciate joy if they never feel pain.

[luther]

Well its been a rough 3 days and I still havent heard from her and she hasnt come by at all to pick up any of her stuff. Im kinda glad since I dont know how I would react to seeing her so soon, what does her not coming to get her things mean?

[bigheartkindsoul]

The Best of: Winning Someone Back?

 

 

Don't

 

If it was meant it will be.

 

however keep in mind all the reasons it finished in the first place. Are they really what you want in life and for the rest of your life or just what you are missing at the moment?

[BetrayedMM]

I'm afraid I don't believe in metaphysical concepts like fate. I know that no harm is meant by the 'meant to be' advice, and I'm not trying to be abrasive, but the future is not predetermined, rather, every moment is a choice that leads toward many possible 'outcomes', or, to put it another way, potential 'fates'.

 

That being said, the 180 is pretty solid advice. It's a win-win path to take- either you learn to cope and move on, or you get your loved one back(well, that may or may not be a good thing)

 

But, my point is, nothing just happens all by itself (Newtonian, ain't it?), you have to make it happen, and inaction will accomplish nothing.

Unless it's the 'inaction' of a 180, which is far from actually being inaction at all.

 

Also, the idea that this is a form of manipulation doesn't sit right with me... If getting on with your life affects someone else, then it does, but the point is to do it for YOU, whether they come back or not.

For that matter, every conversation, every word of communication between any individuals on any level is a form of manipulation- after all, by communicating at all you are only trying to convey a message, to get someone to 'see it your way'.

The problem with manipulation is when you cross an invisible, vaguely defined line into destructive behavior, or when your intentions are deceptive and misleading.

 

There is nothing destructive about a 180, although it can be argued that it is a bit deceptive- acting happy when you're not.

 

However, isn't it true that if you can change your behavior and stick to it, your heart follows? Looking at it that way, it's not deceptive at all, because, isn't the goal specifically to BE happy?

[thekhris]

Hope this this thread would help you guys same as it did to me:o

[0hpenelope]

Hope this this thread would help you guys same as it did to me:o

 

How did it help you brother and did you get your ex back? We need a review here, this is like 30 pages long!

[Movingthrough]

Its funny because most of these things that the OP is right. The dumper usually goes nuts when you ignore them and wants to come back into the light.

 

BUT like many other posters have said, it sucks that all these games are played, in reality they seem to work but some of me thinks its not worth it.

 

Unless you have some sort of mindset where you want to get them back or just hook up, you might as well move on.

 

I see all sides of what people are posting but overall i think its pathetic how any of this works.....but it seems to be very accurate if you read on here.

[thekhris]

The first page of this thread only matters.You dont need to read all of the post.

How did it help you brother and did you get your ex back? We need a review here, this is like 30 pages long!

[0hpenelope]

The first page of this thread only matters.You dont need to read all of the post.

 

I love old threads! Looking back on the old timers is really amusing for me. LS is like a "living" time capsule.

 

You're awesome for taking a pretty unpopular stand on LS. That's something to be appreciated. You, Ruff Ryder, and the others who took the time to answer questions, even the criticisms and the posters who somehow skimmed the first 4 posts of the thread that basically answered their questions (meaning if they only read it, then they wouldn't have asked!), you guys are very awesome.

[LifeIsGreat]

What the OP suggested DOES work. I have been able to win back every woman that I broke up with, or who broke up with me.

 

BUT..... here's the thing in my experience:

 

I am no longer with any of those women. We broke up for a reason- we weren't good together. Even when I did win her back, it was never the same. A break up can cause significant damage to a relationship in the way of anger, resentment, etc.

 

IMHO, in the vast majority of cases (maybe not all), it is best to simply move on, and do so with your dignity. I promise you, the tips of the OP will allow you to move on like a mature adult. Your ex WILL remember how you handled the break up. Handling it correctly will make you a better person.

[Duckduckgoose]

If you spend enough time NC and you have time to really reflect on the relationship, you might decide that even though you are lonely and miss the person and the relationship, that its better off as memories.

 

To expect someone to change drastically is almost setting the "new" relationship up for failure. Behaviour problems can be worked on, but basic personality things take a real shakedown of the person... and they might not do that.

[thekhris]

The best thing that happened to most of the people that followed the first page advices is that they did not fall to the trap or did the same mistakes that most people that been dump will do, (mostly doing destructive things to their selves), yeah you can win your ex back same as it did to me even though I dumped a few girls myself after we got back together. I realized in the end that those advices really did good thingz to me, I didnt loose my composure, I did not self destruct like drinkin, begging and became a totaly pathetic figure after I was been dump.It really saved my skin. The advices is not about playing the game its about discipline and controling or getting hold of your self. The advices on the first page will totally might help you have your ex back but Im 100% sure it will help saving your own self.

[Sugarkane]

Hi I have a question. I've done everything right, been in NC since day 1, never begged, pleaded or anything and it hasn't worked at all. My ex dumped me completely out of the blue. He dumped me by phone and then insulted me by text, listing all my faults. Great way to dump someone hey?

 

I don't know if there's anyone else, he turned all of our friends against me and no one would tell me. I've done everything right and he still hasn't contacted me, not even once. Why? I did everything right even though he was callous and rude. Why hasn't he contacted me? Its been months. Should I regret not begging and pleading? Doing nothing didn't work in my favour.

[depplover_1980]

Hi I have a question. I've done everything right, been in NC since day 1, never begged, pleaded or anything and it hasn't worked at all. My ex dumped me completely out of the blue. He dumped me by phone and then insulted me by text, listing all my faults. Great way to dump someone hey?

 

I don't know if there's anyone else, he turned all of our friends against me and no one would tell me. I've done everything right and he still hasn't contacted me, not even once. Why? I did everything right even though he was callous and rude. Why hasn't he contacted me? Its been months. Should I regret not begging and pleading? Doing nothing didn't work in my favour.

 

Why on earth would you want someone so callous and cold back into your life? Get some self respect.

[wbr4p]

thank u thekris, u are dead on. im fully wide awake and my heart is beating fast reading this article

this actually happened

 

female: i dont wanna be friends with u, u hurt me

guy: why wouldnt u wanna be friends with me?

female: because its useless

guy: ok then lets not be friends

female: wait!!!

[dextm]

Worked once for me, but don't think I can pull it off again. We did last longer the second time though.

[packers393]

So, I guess i'll start from the beginning. im 19 years old and a freshman in college. I started dating this girl last year, a little over a week ago I went over to her house, to pick her up for my soccer game, when I got there I already knew something was wrong. I ended up skipping my game in order to figure out the problem, she was barely speaking, and the kisses just seemed Blah. After a while, she blurted out something about not being happy for the past two weeks or so. I asked her why, she said she didn't know. my grandmother also passed away about a week before this, so maybe my sad mood was bringing her down. For the next few days we didnt speak much. We went on a date a few days later, it was awkward we barely spoke, I didn't attempt to touch her or anything. But when we go to the car, we talked, alot. There was crying, kissing, talking, but she still said she wasnt happy, and she didn't know why. By the time we got to her house, we stated talking more about what was wrong, more crying, kissing, she said she was feeling a bit better. We went inside and talked more, I mentioned something about when we first met, kissed her really hard, and she was all of a sudden happy... Like REALLY happy for the rest of the night. She then warned me that, due to the fact that she became happy so quickly, she could quickly become unhappy again.. This left me worried, I called her that night when I got home (stupidly) to talk more, she seemed fine. The next day(two days before we were to go out for our one year) she said she woke up feeling the same way, and that if I agreed to it, we would take a break. When i said I didnt want one, she said well, I feel like if I don then later one i'll just want to end it all together. I reluctantly agreed. She wanted to stay as friends for the time being. I tried to not contact her, but she contacted me, telling me she had been accepted to the same college as me, and was going... I called her, congratulated her, and that was it. By that saturday I caved, I called her very upset, asking why we needed this break, and why we couldnt just work through it(bad idea). She got mad at me. One thing i forgot to leave out is that her step-sister who has alot of influence over her is jealous of the time I spend with her, and suggested the break, as well as told her that "Relationships at this age should be ALL fun and NO stress". I asked the girl if I could come get my things, and she replied, Idk yet. I have not contacted her in 4 days, and have been working out and trying to keep busy as much as possible! there is alot more details that i could throw in but frankly, im confused and tired! she did also mention earlier on, that she wanted me to "help her" or "fix her" I didn't know how to respond. Saturday she said it was still a "break". Also alot of people have been questioning her on Facebook and not being very nice, I told them to stop, but she just got a bit angrier at me :./ Meanwhile I have gotten a nice haircut new clothes ect.. and have realized why she was feeling unhappy.

[selena_cat]

Hi I have a question. I've done everything right, been in NC since day 1, never begged, pleaded or anything and it hasn't worked at all. My ex dumped me completely out of the blue. He dumped me by phone and then insulted me by text, listing all my faults. Great way to dump someone hey?

 

I don't know if there's anyone else, he turned all of our friends against me and no one would tell me. I've done everything right and he still hasn't contacted me, not even once. Why? I did everything right even though he was callous and rude. Why hasn't he contacted me? Its been months. Should I regret not begging and pleading? Doing nothing didn't work in my favour.

 

 

You did the right thing by not begging and pleading or you would have felt like a fool for doing so. He would've probably ignored you if you tried reaching out to him. So good for you! Unlike me who probably dated your ex's twin brother who's just as callous,I pleaded,reached out to him and he ignored me and its been months.

Had I taken the NC route,after one olive branch,not three I wouldnt feel foolish. Youve doing the right thing even though he shows no honor.

 

I do like your username I should change mine to to sugar_cat.

[thekhris]

if your reading this, youre probably on the wrong page... So go read back the 1st post on the 1st page.