The Best of: Winning Someone Back

[Pink Amulet]

sorry,

 

but i love my ex and it's not just my fault we broke up...she could not open up to me about how she was feeling so this has happened.

 

i have told her i love her, begged her to come back, sent flowers to her work, rang her, txt her, promised it would be different...that i have changed.

 

NOTHING WORKED.

 

if the nc rule helps me win the love of my life back then who the hell are you to crush mine and others hope that win can get a loved one back.

 

have you ever been in love?

 

Yes I have. Very deeply. For many years.

 

I am angered by this because my ex is trying to pull the same bullsh*t on me that you are trying to achieve with your ex's.

 

Unless she is a complete idiot- it won't work.

 

The only thing that will bring her back, is her desire to come back. No amount of games, or 'NC' will work.

 

The fact that you are still refering to her as your ex basically just affirmed what I have been saying anyway

[Guest]

question to thekhris:

 

how does all of this great advice apply for long distance relationships? Would anything different apply? Whenever I read these advice things, they always seem to apply to couples that dated in person.

 

The no contact rule is already too easy as it is (since there is no chance of bumping into them and the rest takes just will power), but possibly agreeing to get together casually is way harder becuase, distance is an issue. Distance is a barrier in general. Plus the money it costs to do it (we lived in two totally different states). I understand that if they really want you, they will find a way to make a get together happen. But a casual get together is near impossible. It would basically have to be a "trip" which may be too much too soon if the feelings are there.

 

Just curious if the same rules generally apply and any advice on what I can do to compensate in a similar way if need be. Thanks.

[thekhris]

ok lets me simplify this to you..

 

this are the rules and its only four

 

1.if your girl never really loved you from the beguining this tips wont work for you.

 

2.If youre in rebound relationship this things wont work with you

 

3.If youre 100 percent completely jerk this things may not work for you

 

4.if your extremely not attractive this tips wont work for you.

 

its only four... remember its only four.....

[Guest]

what? That didnt answer my question at all. And Im neither of the four. why would you answer me like that? I didnt do anything to you. Im just asking a question on one of the basic rules since distance is an issue.

[flowerpot]

thekris,

I to have been in no contact W my STBXW, Not really by choice though.

The last time I saw her we discussing school for her daughter and then I was being questoioned about what her D was telling me, so I told her that right now she hates you. I feel terrible that I had to be the one to tell my wife, but I believe It hit a nerve and she is paying more attention to the kids now.

I think in time she will realize I was'nt trying to hurt her or make the kids hate her. She knows better than that! I just made a big mistake, foot in mouth!

I did email her yesterday, asking if she was doing O.K.,that I think of her often & miss her.

I am out of ideas,so it's NC untill the dust settles for now.

[thekhris]

what? That didnt answer my question at all. And Im neither of the four. why would you answer me like that? I didnt do anything to you. Im just asking a question on one of the basic rules since distance is an issue.

 

dude i think i answered your question..if your situation is not on all those four... what ever your scenario is those tips might have 95percent chance to work on you..whether you live at eskimo island or what..

 

follow those advices 100 percent..

[Guest]

well then my apologies, your answer confused me.

[migs]

Please view my post on

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=912216#post912216

 

I don't know how to copy and paste on here, but I really value your opinions and ideas--and moral support.

[migs]

nfidelity, I'm very loyal but did take her for granted). One day it was just "I don't want to be your wife or lover, I will be your friend if you want". There were some problems, as her daughter adores me as her dad and my wife is strongly physically attracted to me. Although I showed my wife very little affection outright, I did so in other ways. She moved 300 miles away under her older daughter's urging (babysitter and housekeeper), and visited me every other month. My stepdaughter (I don't normally refer to her as that, just for clarification) stayed with me for the summer. I have a son who is 27 and autistic. He adores my wife and lives with me. I bought a fairly large home that she loved, but when she moved she wanted me to sell the home and uproot my son (who doesn't do well with changes) and live with her. Her son in law is part owner of a very large dairy farm, she is on workmen's comp for her back, she was offered an office job on the dairy with the condition that when her back became to painful she could have permission to leave, and after an argument with her older daughter that was her fault she was offered a rent and utility free place on the dairy. Since we have separated she has played many childish games, she was calling three times a day and started acting like it was an obligation, cutting into her lunch hour--so I told her not to call so much. She started taking me for granted and being very disrespectful. She still brings up the three times she was mistaken for my mom even though we are the same age and it bothers her even though she knows my love has nothing to do with that. Anytime a topic came up that she was uncomfortable with, it was "off the table", I was being too negative, she threatened to leave the discussion. My normal way of handling this would be to tell her to "go ahead" but I allowed it because I felt guilty (after looking at this objectively I observed that I had little to feel guilty for, and dropped it, but not before I allowed her to play some childish games). When I complained of the lack of respect, she said "I just won't talk to you anymore" and hung up. When she visited me and I wanted to spend time cuddling, she said she could not get close to me without wanting to have sex and that's what we did. She started calling once a day and then her daughter would call and say "my mom won't be calling tonight because she's walking the dog--a new chihuahua--or a TV show was coming on that she wanted to see so she couldn't call, not even for a few minutes. She is living in a small farming community and I am everything she desires--very attractive, intelligent, well-educated, big heart, great dad--and my moral code precludes me from being unfaithful, something I have never broken--and I'm 52. After being told she would be late in calling on the weekend and not calling, I stepped back and looked at the big picture objectively. She has mentioned (after watching me reject a pickup attempt right in front of her) that "we always want what we can't have". She's very critical of her older daughter because her son in law works very hard and she sits in front of the computer all day spending money. The kids are not taken care of, the house is filthy, she rarely cooks, and this guy works long, hard days. Then I observed an ironic hypocrisy--she want's to stay married to me, claims she's always been in love with me, but what is she doing for me? A lot less than her daughter is doing for her husband which is hardly nothing! She wants me to jump thru hoops by selling the house, uprooting my son and living in that free house on the dairy, at least until we found another home. My job is here....I bought this house and paid it off....here. She stated that she'll never move back here. Several months ago after we argued, she suggested that I should move over there and we can "date". She has literally used me as "arm candy" when she lived here, something I resented. Now she has a single-minded goal of wanted me to move into the dairy house after I sell this one (people are so much nicer in smaller communities, and it's so peaceful there, etc.) and uprooting my son which is very difficult for someone with autism (Oh, but "he'd just love it here"!). My daughter works as a model and is a dead ringer for Angelina Jolie--and her and my wife literally hate each other. I think some of it is jealousy, as my wife has said she'd sell her soul to look like my daughter--another childish statement. After looking at the big picture objectively, I started NC without any explanation or warning. At first she called repeatedly and complained that she couldn't reach me because I must be busy, then she had my stepdaughter call and angrily state that her mom called five times and I wasn't here (she knows my stepdaughter is an achilles heel, but I resent her being used like that), then she called twice to tell me that she was worried about me and had no way to check on me to see if I was alright. I truly don't want her to worry, but I do want her to get the message: if I'm not given more priority than her new dog, TV shows, etc., than I'm walking (even though she understands that I've done this before with my last wife, I think she believes her relationship with my son will prevent me from divorcing). She's doing nothing for him right now, so this is flawed logic. What she "threatened" in the "I'm not going to talk to you anymore" phone call, click, I'm now actually doing with no threats, warnings or explanations. I deserve more than playing second fiddle to whatever. My first step is walking away NC, the second will be divorce papers. It's been seven months, and I don't recall ever signing up for the priesthood and taking vows to become celibate. I want her to see that living in a house on a dairy that's running in the red is not preferable to living in a home that is yours. I allowed her to get away with the childish games (things we played in high school) but that I won't anymore, and that I have enough spine to walk away like I did in my last marriage when I realized it wouldn't work. Why didn't I explain myself? She would have turned everything I stated into a childish, manipulative control game. I want her to wake up, see what she has and convince herself one way or the other with a little practicallity and logic, and I'm stepping back and out so she can do that.

[thekhris]

man so hard to read it

[swirly27]

Migs, I really think it would benefit you more to start your own thread on this if you haven't done so already.

[whir]

Yes I have. Very deeply. For many years.

 

I am angered by this because my ex is trying to pull the same bullsh*t on me that you are trying to achieve with your ex's.

 

Unless she is a complete idiot- it won't work.

 

The only thing that will bring her back, is her desire to come back. No amount of games, or 'NC' will work.

 

The fact that you are still refering to her as your ex basically just affirmed what I have been saying anyway

 

 

No your ex is not trying to win you back... and he is not playing games with you he did not read this tread or what..he just dont care about you anymore

[D-Lish]

Well, after three weeks, the guy that broke my heart finally contacted me to come get his things. He came by this evening for a couple hours and I finally got a chance to begin the journey of wininng him back...I hope.

 

I tried my very best to be at the top of my game. I was light-hearted, we joked with one another, I got a chance to say my peace.... That being that I understood his decision. He apologized for the manner in which he broke up with me (over the phone). I was able to apologize to him sincerely for the way I had been acting that caused the break up. I emphasized that it wasn't a "take me back" apology, but a sincere gesture for my part in the undoing of our relationship.

 

He was taken aback by my apology and accepted it- even made excuses for me and admitted his own faults. Then he asked if he could continue seeing my hairdresser that I introduced him to.... to which I said I was okay with. Even though I am not!

 

So, we left it on a good note. I couldn't read him though...so I didn't push it with the "I love you" or "I miss you". I didn't want to put myself out there in case he wasn't looking to hear that from me. Now I am unsure as to what to do.

 

Should I send him an e-mail in a week saying it was good to see him and I'm glad we ended things on a good note?

 

I just couldn't read him. I don't know if when he left he was relieved to be going, or whether he was feeling sadness and perhaps had some thoughts of reconciliation. We hugged when he left, and told one another to take care.

 

Should I just wait and see if he ever contacts me again? Should I just wait and let my heartfelt apology sink in for a while? He's so hard to read. We were laughing and joking and there was not a lot of awkwardness between us- although there was a little bit. And I just kept the mood light.

 

He asked a lot of questions about how things were going for me. It was like he was trying to figure out if I had made some positive changes. I could tell that he still cares for me. And he did say he would like to be friends, although it would be hard.

 

I'm just not sure how to proceed at this point so I don't blow it with him.

Any advice would be great.

D

[Ezydriver]

I just read all the advice at the start of this thread. Just want to share my experience.

I did most of this when my ex contacted me after 3 months. It was the most exciting thing ever to happen and I knew she wanted reconciliation. I played it cool etc even though I wanted to SCREAM my happiness out to her. I didn't though.

I went back, the day was amazing. We were back together. However, with all my mistakes learnt from the first time, all the baby steps and slow moving we were taking, all the pain of the first breakup in our memories I thought we would surely work out this time.

 

WRONG!! She started cheating on me with an ex of hers. To this day she still hasn't admitted it. Its definiely over now regardless of if she comes crawling back.

My advice is, if they do come back be VERY VERY careful. Dont get caught up in some romantic fantasy that you'll live happily ever after. There is a very very good chance they'll break your heart again but even worse than first time.

 

Just a word of caution, my life was temporarily screwed up because of this horrible nasty piece of work. Its very slowly getting back on track but I still miss her terribly. If I'd ignored her reconciliation attempts first time I'd be over her by now.

[swirly27]

I think its great that you finally got to have some closure, say what you wanted to say but kept it light, hopefully you feel better about how everything went down. Now, the hard part - I really think you need to just move on and let it go. This is good for alot of reasons - it gives you time to grow and take time for yourself, it does the same for him, it makes it possible to be friends sooner rather than never AND IF IF IF there is a chance for reconciliation, it'll be when he's had time to think and grow - not saying if he contacts you to ignore him, but let him make any contact and keep doing what you're doing and keeping it light and not putting on expectations - you are a great person and you don't NEED him. Let him realize again how great you, on his own.

[thekhris]

I just read all the advice at the start of this thread. Just want to share my experience.

I did most of this when my ex contacted me after 3 months. It was the most exciting thing ever to happen and I knew she wanted reconciliation. I played it cool etc even though I wanted to SCREAM my happiness out to her. I didn't though.

I went back, the day was amazing. We were back together. However, with all my mistakes learnt from the first time, all the baby steps and slow moving we were taking, all the pain of the first breakup in our memories I thought we would surely work out this time.

 

WRONG!! She started cheating on me with an ex of hers. To this day she still hasn't admitted it. Its definiely over now regardless of if she comes crawling back.

My advice is, if they do come back be VERY VERY careful. Dont get caught up in some romantic fantasy that you'll live happily ever after. There is a very very good chance they'll break your heart again but even worse than first time.

 

Just a word of caution, my life was temporarily screwed up because of this horrible nasty piece of work. Its very slowly getting back on track but I still miss her terribly. If I'd ignored her reconciliation attempts first time I'd be over her by now.

super exactly!!!!!

 

thats what im talking about ..I always warn this guys who follewd

my advice... dont be comfortable if you get them back ibcoz its more dangerous on the 2nd time...IF you get back of your ex there will be only one freakin rule you should follow...DONT EVER BE TAKEN FOR GRANTED!!!!

[D-Lish]

I think its great that you finally got to have some closure, say what you wanted to say but kept it light, hopefully you feel better about how everything went down. Now, the hard part - I really think you need to just move on and let it go. This is good for alot of reasons - it gives you time to grow and take time for yourself, it does the same for him, it makes it possible to be friends sooner rather than never AND IF IF IF there is a chance for reconciliation, it'll be when he's had time to think and grow - not saying if he contacts you to ignore him, but let him make any contact and keep doing what you're doing and keeping it light and not putting on expectations - you are a great person and you don't NEED him. Let him realize again how great you, on his own.

 

Thanks Swirly,

 

I agree, the closure was good to have after the initial break up was an angry one. I handled myself well, held my composure with him- it was soooo hard to keep the smile on my face- but I did it.

 

I guess him asking me if he could continue seeing my hairdresser - who incidentally has her salon right behind where I work- and he would have to make a 45min drive in from a different city to come to her... well, it made me wonder if he was keeping a door open for a possible reconcilation.

 

I guess I have to treat this as the end, and start moving on as if it is. I have to let go. He may or may not make contact with me again- and I can't live my life waiting for a call that may or may not ever happen.

 

At least I know I said my peace- perhaps that needs to sink in with him for a while. For now, I will move on and not initiate contact with him.

 

Plenty of fish right?

Thanks for the advice.

Dee

[Confuggled_one]

question regarding playin the NC game:

okay so my gal always talks to me after sayin "I NEVER WANNA ****IN HEAR YOU AGAIN! YOU GOT THAT?!". it frustrates me and sometimes she comes to my class, hugs me, and kisses me. she txts me, calls me, and talks to me on MSN and AIM. what do you think she wants from me? what can i do? I still really love her but she always tells me she doesnt want a new relationship. now im keeping it cool, being laid back. she just doesnt seem to know what she wants. it frustrates me so please help me out.

[thekhris]

play it cool... always look like your unphased by the break up..ok what makes a man attractive and unresistable to woman is his character..Imagine brad pit for an example what do you think would he do if he's in your situation?

 

if she hugs you text you be friendly with it etc.. dont open up romantic things unless she do it first.. be happy happy in front of her stay busy and your enjoying youre life even without her..ignore her ones in while like youre you dont giv a fck if you loss her for good...if she approach you be polite..if she became sweet be friendly..if she gets mad and frustrated be polite and friendly and walk away dont appologise or anything,,,

 

mostly girls cant handle the emotional roller coaster of completely cutting ties..that's why mostly after the break up girls put the guys on the friedzone so she can eat her cake screw any guys she want's while your in her string..if she knows youre so in to her and just an old clothes in the closet that she can pulls out anytime..she can be strong to have a new life without you..

 

this are the 2 most dreaded mistakes that can end a relationship for good

 

1. too clingy, needy, she thinks you have no ability to let go, she knows youre still be there for her in case she fck sups.. yore just a second choice and not that valuble... if she know youre not a loss and can have any time youre actually helping her to let go totaly to the relationship and making her comfortable to her life without you..

 

2. Extreme fights, extreme excahnge of cuzz words, ...

[Confuggled_one]

well for the breakups... we had both. sometimes i become irrational, which i have changed now, and sometimes she is too. but that doesnt matter.

she said she wanted to go out with me and my friend tomrorow, but we havent talked about it for a day. do you think i should call her tomorrow? or just leave her?

[thekhris]

dude read the first page of this tread i post 4 good dvices from 3 different people... the answer your looking for is on 2nd and 3rd and 4th advice..

[whir]

The same principles apply whether you are trying to get back an ex boyfriend or an ex girlfriend.

 

Some people find this surprising but, as I've discussed in previous posts, the ex back plan works because it deals primarily with recreating attraction. The principles of attraction are tied more to human nature than to male versus female nature.

 

If you think of some of the more common principles of attraction, you'll see that they apply the same way to men and women.

 

For instance:

 

- The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence

- We desire that which is just out of reach

- We tend to seek relationships with physicially healthy people

 

I could go on, but the point is made.

 

The aspects of attraction that are specific to gender type have already been taken care of - the fact that you and your ex were at one time both attracted to each other means that those aspects of attraction are already there (though they probably need to be boosted).

[Stamford]

My girlfriend has broken up again with me. i say again as this is about the 5th time in about 1,5 years.

We've been together for just under 4 years and the first years were great. Than I did some stupid things. No, no cheating but telling lies mostly about money.

 

I don't know why I did all this as I love her deeply. Every time we broke up I was pleading and begging her to take me back and everytime it worked.

 

No this time is different. This time she told me she doesn't love me anymore nor care about me.

 

Do you think this nc methode will work for me? I do absolute everything for her

[thekhris]

ok before i answer that ..pls try to read the first page on this tread i put 4 advices there fro 3 different people..try to read the 2nd, 3rd advice and specially the 4th from don pepot..if you still hAVE questions and still need some advice on your situation ill gladly to help..but try to read it first so you can understand me better when your second questions shoots....

[whir]

CELEBRATE WITH ME GUYS I WIN MY EX BACK!!!!!