tropicana Posted August 11, 2006 Share Posted August 11, 2006 After about a year of dating, I broke up with my gf. Was being a bit of a commitment-phobe at the time. We stayed friends for a while but she started seeing someone else and we broke contact for 2-3 months. Their relationship fell through and she contacted me shortly after. We talked for some weeks but it seemed I was only in the picture to fill her void and all she wanted to discuss was the other guy. At that time, I told her I had feelings for her still and that it was hard for me to comfort her in this. We ended up fighting and then going NC for another 3 months or so. About 2 weeks ago, I saw her online and left her a message asking how her summer was going. She responded and since, we've been in contact more and more. She calls each night, we've gone to the movies and hung out alone at her place. All just ending in hugs goodbye, nothing serious. She's asked if I'm single and has gotten mad when I've talked about or commented on other girls. To be completely honest, when I first contacted her about her summer, it was just that. I've always cared for her and never liked not having her around. I think we've both made mistakes in the past. At first, I naively thought being friends and having her around would be nice. But who am I kidding, I love this girl and the more time I spend with her, the more I'm certain I would like a second chance. I'm just scared she might not feel the same way. I don't want to be a place holder for her until she meets someone else and then my time goes away again. She's single now and seemingly has been for a while. All of her friends are becoming serious in relationships which I guess could be good for my chances. I don't know how I would handle just friends, especially if she finds someone else. Obviously nobody can give me surefire outcomes, but does anyone have any advice on the situtation or think she may be giving signs that she too is interested in trying again. The only thing I know now is to take it slow and not rush/force anything. We've been having a lot of fun and her B-day is coming and I'd like to do something nice for her. I was foolish and a bit immature last time around and I would really love to show her that things would be different now. Thanks for reading everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
bella_girl Posted August 15, 2006 Share Posted August 15, 2006 Ok what exactly do you want because I'm confused here.... You said when you first contacted her it was just to see how she was. Now you want her back but wondering if you can handle the friends thing? If you want her back then tell her and make your actions match your words. If you want to just be friends then accept that she is going to meet other people and let her live her life. If my commitment phobic ex-boyfriend decided that he wanted me back he would have to show me that he was no longer commitment phobic and willing to accept the relationship and whever that might lead. Not just an off chance that he thinks I'm great and forgotten what it was like to spend time with me. If it were me in her situation I would be very wary of your motives but I would need to know you how feel - I'm not saying that she'll take you back or not (I don't know her) but you gotta put your heart out there man and accept the consequences. If you're not willing to do that then move on and let her be. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tropicana Posted August 16, 2006 Author Share Posted August 16, 2006 Sorry if I've confused. I DO want her back. When I say I don't know how I would handle being just friends, I mean that I know I'd always want more and its rather torturous being around something you want, but can't have all the time. I can't MAKE her love me again. But I am hoping I can show her slowly that I'm not in the same place as I was when we originally broke up. My biggest fear is pressing the issue too soon and driving her away. She has every reason to be wary of trying 'us' out again. And if I never get the second chance, I would understand. I guess right now I'm just trying to let her know I'm interested, but more importantly just being someone she can count on and trying to make her happy. Her birthday was yesterday. I sent her flowers and am taking her out tonight for dinner. Hopefully she sees that as a sign of 'interest'. Link to post Share on other sites
AriaIncognito Posted August 17, 2006 Share Posted August 17, 2006 Just wondering how her bday and the dinner went. I think you should just be open with her. If you're spending time together again and whatnot, it will only hurt you if you end up being on different pages. You need to be honest with how you're feeling, and she'll need to decide whether or not you can prove to her that you are no longer afraid of commitment. It definitely won't be an easy reuniting, because she'll constantly doubt you, if you get distant for a minute. I know this from experience. Once you plant that seed of commitment phobe, it's hard to forget it... Good luck, i really do hope that she gives you another chance. Gives some second chancers hope. I do have one question for you though. You said you broke it off with her. Then you were no contact for 2-3 months, is that right? I wasn't sure if that meant you went NC then talked again for 2-3 months for resuming NC, or what... Jennifer Link to post Share on other sites
AriaIncognito Posted August 19, 2006 Share Posted August 19, 2006 Bumping since I'm still curious about the outcome of the dinner hehe Living vicariously.... Jennifer Link to post Share on other sites
Author tropicana Posted August 22, 2006 Author Share Posted August 22, 2006 Sorry to not get back. The dinner went ok. That's all I can give it. The situation is extremely confusing to me. She calls all the time. Multiple times a day and always at night, i.e. the last phone call of the night. Conversations are friendly but she's always upset if I end them. We've hung out multiple times. Last night, I went to her place to help her with some work she was doing. Had a great time, talked and smiled about a lot of stuff. Even gave her a leg rub, something I would completely associate to being a little more than friends. No kiss yet, or serious talk about the relationship. I'm really having trouble reading her. For example, she goes out the other night, gets a little tipsy and calls me at 4AM asking me to come over. So yeah, I go over there. But by the time I'd gotten there, she must have fallen asleep because when I called her to buzz me in, she asked what I was doing there so late and I ended up just leaving. Totally crazy. We joke around now about her wanting the "total package." I kid and point out qualities that I possess that would be part of her total package. I joke but there is underlying seriousness to it. And she jokes back. I'm just totally confused and not confident yet that if I were to try a kiss or talk about second chances, that she would be on the same page. And if she isn't, it would get a little weird. Anyone else confused or am I just totally missing something either way? Link to post Share on other sites
Cathy1 Posted August 23, 2006 Share Posted August 23, 2006 I think it would be smart to say generally how you would like to have a stable relationship now, that you feel ready at this point, bla bla, without mentioning that you want it to be with her. I have been in a similar situation, but on the other side… My ex BF who dumped me and acted irresponsible at the time, started saying such things after 3 months of our NC..... I think this is a great and very efficient method, because you show that you have changed and you spell out your intentions and that you have changed, matured, etc, but, on the other hand, you are "protected", because you never said that it should be with her, you are not wearing your heart on the sleeve, I mean, in case she is not interested, you will not look like an idiot in the end.... Bcs you never offered HER anything…. You have just been talking generally about how you feel. And if she is interested, such a statement on your part will definitely help things work out…. Bytheway, I'm sure she wants you back too..... :-) She is just being careful and making you wait, building friendship in the progress, as a solid basis for a more stable relationship later on (clever girl :-)) and wants YOU to open this subject and initiate things. I'm pretty sure this is the case, as at the moment, I'm in a situation similar to that of your ex GF :-) And this is how I feel... Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author tropicana Posted August 23, 2006 Author Share Posted August 23, 2006 Thanks Cathy, your advice is definitely encouraging. We hung out again last night and had a great time. Its funny you mention "testing me" because she LOVES to test people, especially me or "boyfriend-like" material. She has tested me since the day I met her. Sometimes I can see the test, other times I am blindsided. I guess my biggest confusion comes from comments she makes. For example again yesterday..... I'm at her place, we're hanging out watching TV and talking. She asks me to come sit by her which leads to physical contact. I rub her shoulders and we play those little hand games that everyone knows about but is embarrassed to mention. But then she'll make comments while watching TV like "I want you to say that when you go out on a date." That totally throws me. I mean I don't react to it but in the back of my head I wonder what is behind that. Is it another test? Or does she just consider me a "pal" and really wouldn't care if I went out with other girls? Funny thing is, last week I met a friend (girl) at the mall when I was shopping. I've known the girl for a long time and she's starting to date my buddy as I've introduced them. Bottom line, when I told my ex/interest that, she reacted VERY strongly. "Have fun on your date" and "I hope you guys are happy together", etc. Totally got mad and jealous. I'm completely on board for taking it slow and really showing this girl I love her and that I want to be with her and welcome everything that brings with it. I wouldn't want something hasty to happen and jeopardize what I think could be really great. And I would want her completely over any worries about me and breaking her heart again. I guess as many of you have felt, I just fear I won't get the chance again. Link to post Share on other sites
bella_girl Posted August 23, 2006 Share Posted August 23, 2006 Tropciana - I agree with Cathy I think it might be time to tell her how you feel. I too would be quite reserved with my ex and take things slowly if he wanted to get back together I would be looking to see if his feelings were geninue or just taking advantage of the situation. I think Cathy's approach is a good one. However I would look out for words that she might use like 'Your such a good friend'... (with emphasis on the friend) 'i really think that you and x would make a lovely couple.' 'What do you think of her, she'd make a good girlfriend for you... etc' these maybe signs that you are more of a friend to her (and possible emotional support) than boyfriend. The touching is a good sign, as is playing around - tug of war etc, good flirty games. But massages can just be massages. And a late night call might have seemed like a good idea while pissed but not in the cold light of day, especially when you have a connection with someone its easy to do. So be careful what you read into things. The clearest way is to spell out how you feel. Maybe in this joking around part you could say 'actually in all seriousness I'd really like you to be in my life again.' and see what she says. Link to post Share on other sites
Cathy1 Posted August 24, 2006 Share Posted August 24, 2006 Also, if you open up to her in a way my ex did: «I'm ready for a real relationship, serious, bla, bla...» kind of thing, without mentioning it should be with her, there's also an extra benefit: she will start to panic that since two of you are «only friends» for now, that you, looking for a relationship, might try to find your luck with some new girl..... I'm telling you from my experience... and this is clear and simple truth..... I saw my ex 3 weeks ago before going on my holidays, he said all that, but we have now been in the phase of renewed contact and friendship.... just a beginning.... So I went for a holiday..... We have not been in touch for a while..... I've been half crazy thinking that he may have started a relationship with some new girl, just because I have been thinking about what he said that now he is «ready» and willing to try............ The «friendly» comments she makes........ I do that too.... Since my ex is a professional athlete, due to his career, he is prone to moving and changing cities where he plays, so I tend to say things like «It would be great if you would move to xy city, so I could have a place to sleep over when I come there for a shopping trip...» things like that which communicate that I don't have «plans» with him and I do not worry that he might move soon..... Which, of course, would be an obstacle if we plan to renew our relationship... And things like that. But I never say too much of that, only 1 thing or 2..... But I think that your ex GF has maybe more temper, and that’s why she provokes more, and also shows jealousy openly.... Which is contrary to the tactics she chose, but I guess she cannot help herself.... Don't worry about her «friendly» comments... I shouldn't worry... I mean, she is obviously interested, she is hanging out with you, she is letting you touch her, she is jealous.....and it was YOU who dumped her..... In love affairs, this balance IS important after all and makes difference... But she will continue to torture you and play games.... :-) Be ready ;-) Link to post Share on other sites
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