Is it "good" to have a list of qualities in a prospective partner?

[SadandConfusedWA]

I have been single for a LONG time now and whenever I get together with single friends we discuss relationships. They all seem to know exactly what they want as in have a list of qualities a person should have (both looks and personality). I on the other hand don't really know exactly what I'm looking for. I go more by a "gut feeling" and am looking for someone I will have that special connection with. Judging by the men I have been interested in the past - they have all been completly different to each other. Sure, I would generally prefer dark hair and outgoing personality - but I have known to fall for blonde quiet guy just as much. I guess my question is - what are your thoughts on making lists?

[P1xie]

I don't think it's really a list. I feel you have to be morally compatible. Share at least a few common interests. It's great to have your own interests too.

 

If you have certain things that are just a no you need to consider that too. Example you don't like drinkers or smokers, only go for one if you don't have expectations to change them.

 

There is nothing worse than someone liking you knowing up front your vices and then wants you to quit them.

 

I don't look at it as a list but more of a guidelines that you have learned from past relationships.

[lindya]

I think it's a good idea to have a basic model of the type of person you think you'd be happy with, and as P1xie says that generally involves considering past friendships (both romantic and platonic) and figuring out which ones had the most positive impact on you.

 

I think lists of "must haves" and mental pictures that identify details as specific as height, hair and eye colour that you'd like a partner to have can be a bit restrictive.

[Adunaphel]

I agree with P1xie and lyndia.

 

I think that a "must have" list can be an useful reminder when you get head over heels for a man that is not the right guy for you.

But having a list of physical qualities (not stuff regarding health, but in the looks department) is IMO quite pointless.

[katriel]

It can be very limiting to create a list of specific qualities you want in a partner. I'm sure you've known someone that would only date people that had certain criteria, ie, the girl that will only date men of a certain height, or the guy that wants a blonde haired, blue eyed swimsuit model. On the other hand, having a set of criteria can help you make sure you find a relationship that can make you happy. I've known people will fall for any member of the opposite sex that they find attractive who seems to show interest in them, which often leads to trouble. Having such a broad criteria has led people I know into some very unhappy situations. A set of criteria can serve to help you aim your sights on people that you are truly compatible with, which is very useful. What to do then? If having criteria can be so limiting, and not having criteria can be just as bad, what's the solution?

 

Personally, I find it can be useful to have a set of internal, experiential criteria. While listing the characteristics of your perfect partner is limiting, knowing how you want to feel with this person can help you to avoid settling for something that won't make you happy. So, ask yourself questions about how you want this person to make you feel. What aspects of your own personality would you like to have brought out in a relationship? Do you want someone that makes you feel adventurous, or someone with whom you feel calm and centered? Sometimes, a person wants a partner that brings out a quality that seems almost oppositional to there normal persona, a shy person wants someone that will make them feel more confident and outgoing, or somebody who is always on the go wants a partner with whom they can relax and enjoy doing nothing. If they don't recognize this, they probably won't find it. By knowing what you want in terms of these internal criteria, you can make certain that you are not going to settle for an experience that won't fulfill you without worrying about the specific characteristics of your partner.

[Outcast]

There are uses to having a list of 'must haves' to remind yourself not to make mistakes you've already made again. I'll not again end up with someone who's not spiritual and I avoid pessimists. And I'm steering a wide path around any guy who hasn't at least two of: job, car, home. And people who aren't cat fans.

 

I decided to go ahead with a couple of relationships despite guys not meeting those criteria - to my grief. So I'm back to having a list of 'must-haves' to which I stick.

 

However, I think 'must be blonde, 6' tall, and muscular' doesn't belong on a list. The set of criteria for what makes a good partner can be found in all sorts of shapes, sizes, and looks so to stick to the 'must be a megamodel for Hunk (or Beauty) Unlimited' could indeed mean that you miss out on someone who has the ideal mix of the truly important criteria.

[Poboy]

I once had this question in my mind and my best friend gave this advice which was priceless as i was a choosy kind of guy...

 

Have a list which contain qualities worth remembering in your mind for the potential 'to be' rather than in writing

[Green]

You should make a list just incase you find a magic lamp with time limits on how fast you need to make your wish that way you could create this perfect partner...