I don't check back here too often anymore...

[uksurfer]

...but there seems to be a neverending supply of truly heartbreaking stories.

 

What the hell ever happened to love, commitment, honour, and integrity??

 

Jeez. What the **** is up with people?

 

[Outcast]

There have always been heartbreaking stories. It's just now we have the Internet to tell them anonymously.

[Pink Amulet]

Think about it logically; most people don't come on here to tell everyone how wonderful and smooth sailing their relationship is going!

[Alexandra]

Think about it logically; most people don't come on here to tell everyone how wonderful and smooth sailing their relationship is going!

 

And thank God/dess for that!

[Gunny376]

...but there seems to be a neverending supply of truly heartbreaking stories.

 

What the hell ever happened to love, commitment, honour, and integrity??

 

Jeez. What the **** is up with people?

 

 

 

What's up Bro! Good to hear from you!

[Lor]

Hey, UK. The relationships that have love, honor and integrity don't have a need for this site. LOL.

 

How are you and the Mrs. doing? Hopefully YOU don't need us anymore either.

[uksurfer]

Hey Guns, Hey Lor. How're you guys doing?

 

I'm moving forward, slowly but surely. One day at a time. I honestly believe she just wigged out and needed a break from 'life'. We're currently spending a hell of a lot of time together (weekends, workday lunches, 4 evenings this week, etc), and when we're not together (during work or a couple evenings a week), we're always texting/emailing. Like, last weekend, I went away by myself to visit friends for the weekend, and she spent half of her time emailing me (i can pick up emails on my phone), and texting me. Called me three times, too. Seriously, she really doesn't have the time nor the money for there to be someone else in the picture. Plus, she's slowly getting more and more affectionate and flirty with me - we cosy up on the sofa whenever she's here, and she stole a quick kiss from me tonight by surprise - AND whenever we talk about us getting back together, like we just did tonight, I'm getting a consistent "maybe" now. She's also been saying that she's sorry and that she hates what's happened, too.

 

I believe she needed (and maybe still needs) some space. At least I'm able to give the benefit of the doubt. Sounds nuts, but I think life just got on top of her. Fair enough. Some people cope better than others. I think she's learning that the reasons she had to justify all this in the first place don't actually exist in the real world.

 

And you know what - I feel GOOD for sticking this out, and handling things the way I have done. I could have done what she expected of me, been ****ty, told her to **** off, blah, blah, and that would have been the END of that. I think I've surprised her. In a good way, too.

 

Honestly, this is just like fishing, though. All I need to do is slowly reel her in.

[ilmw]

Thanks for your post... although not a "success story" it sounds like one in the making.. not to jinks you..(knock on wood)

 

It gives some of us a glimmer of hope that things can turn around... Reading your post... made me smile...

 

Keep in touch on LS.

 

Good luck mate

ilmw

[Lor]

Yeah!!! :bunny: :bunny:

 

here I was feeling down and hearing how things are going with you just brought me back up. I am soooo happy for you (both).

[dgiirl]

Hey UK I'm happy to hear things seem to be turning around. Keep up the good work!!

 

I hope once the dust settles a little bit, that the both of you have a serious heart to heart to find out what started this in the first place and to figure out how to prevent it from happening ever again.

 

Keep us up to date on your progress It is definitely inspiring to all of us that life can take us on unexpected turns, but that things happen for a reason and we can become better because of it.

[Lor]

You know, sometimes this site wears me down. Every day there's someone new on here.....

 

Someone posts with a problem and right off the bat people say he/she left? Forget about them! Move on! No need to try! Become the jerk that they think you are! They were wrong, not you--its not your fault. but sometimes it is our fault.......people need to "man-up", face their faults and mistakes and work on changing, instead of saying poor me. Everyone has faults, its what makes us human. Just thinking that maybe if we all tried harder from the start we wouldn't be here.

 

None of this is easy and sometimes it takes time and patience.....and sometimes it takes time to just let it all sink in before you can move on.

[ilmw]

You know, sometimes this site wears me down. Every day there's someone new on here.....

 

Someone posts with a problem and right off the bat people say he/she left? Forget about them! Move on! No need to try! Become the jerk that they think you are! They were wrong, not you--its not your fault. but sometimes it is our fault.......people need to "man-up", face their faults and mistakes and work on changing, instead of saying poor me. Everyone has faults, its what makes us human. Just thinking that maybe if we all tried harder from the start we wouldn't be here.

 

None of this is easy and sometimes it takes time and patience.....and sometimes it takes time to just let it all sink in before you can move on.

 

I was one of those people... poor me

 

Then after coming on here.. and lots of reading, aswell as self reflection.. I saw the light.. the error of my own ways..

 

On the other hand... It takes two to tango.. and I kept forgetting the steps and stepping on my DW's feet...... but... she could have asked me take lessons;)

ilmw

[Becoming]

I understand where you're coming from UK. I think one of the reaons why I come to LS is simply to provide hope because I've been through a spouse wigging out and hung in there and am living proof that redemption is possible if folks will work for it, as you are doing.

 

It's when the spouse won't work, as was the case with the others who've chimed in here, that things become impossible so that they have no choice but to end it.

 

Thanks for the update. All the best to you.

[dgiirl]

Lor, it's never one sided. If you come out of a situation with "It was their fault, not mine", then you learn nothing. And going through something this difficult, and this painful, and not get anything positive out of the situation is extremely sad and a waste.

 

However, having your spouse just up and leave without warning, is not something I can take responsibility for. To just leave, without trying, IS selfish, and has a lot more to do with him than me. However, everyone is selfish, and you need to be able to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else. If you make sure you have your own needs met (within reason), then you can meet other people's needs too. ie, if our spouses were unhappy, they should have been clear with what they needed to get their needs met. I would have atleast had a chance and input on the relationship. Instead, they thought they could handle it on their own, they naively and arrogantly thought things would get better in time, meanwhile they were falling more and more out of love.

 

On the other hand, I ignored too many other things, and need to take responsibility for that. And those are the things I work on and try to improve. It's just sad that he didnt stick around to see the changes. I've become a much better, confident person. On the other hand, I think I lost myself because of the relationship I was in, and who I was with.

 

Too many people have the "Forget about them" attitude, because they think it will help the person get angry enough to move on. And sometimes we need to get angry so that we can move on. There were a few times where I was very suicidal and without that anger to fight, I would not have been here today. So anger has it's place. So does false hope. Whatever you need to make sure you are here tomorrow to get through this. But as time goes on, you start to process more and more until you reach the point of being completely sick of processing and really move on.

 

Sometimes things dont work out. It sucks to be on the receiving end of it, but sometimes there's nothing else we can do. And I dont know of a single person who would honestly say they'd want to be in a relationship with someone who isnt happy to be with them. And I know for myself, if I wasnt happy with someone, I would probably leave too. Being selfish isnt a bad thing necessarily, it just hurts others sometime

[Becoming]

I didn't mean that I think the others didn't do all they could to salvage their relationships, if it came off that way. I know y'all did. It was your spouses who didn't.

 

Sorry if it came off the other way.

[Lor]

I know its not one-sided, how could it be? It takes more than one person to break down a marriage. And you're right, if a person comes out of a relationship never having learned or grown then its a waste.

 

When your spouse leaves you, you can't take responsibility for them throwing in the towel--please don't think I meant my post that way. I too am a better person, stronger, more confident, but I've also been humbled in a lot of ways and it bothers me when I read someone's post who has the poor me attitude, I didn't do anything wrong, I don't know what happened, they just up and left. There are signs leading up to it if we only look. The leaving is what comes as a shock, not what led up to it. And usually its the way they leave. a person needs to be introspectral (is that a word? ) right from the start but we always see that in hindsight. I agree with feeling like the spouse wimps out on a good relationship, or what could be a stronger relationship but yet on the other hand, you're right, no one should stay where they aren't happy.

 

Anger is a good motivator but it can be detremental when you are offering advice to someone else. We can't all use our experiences as the focal point in what we say and some in the throes of bitterness judge too quickly on others' situations. I guess that's what I was trying to get at.

[dgiirl]

I agree with you totally. I get really frustrated at people who've become bitter. Mainly men who accuse women of being greedy and selfish and all we want is money and stuff. I've found it hard not to take it personally, because I was a woman who was not like that in the least, yet had a husband who never really appreciated or acknowledge this fact, and then had my husband cheat and leave me. Some people are so wrapped up in their own pain to realize that not all women are like that, nor are all men.

[ilmw]

Anger is a good motivator but it can be detremental when you are offering advice to someone else. We can't all use our experiences as the focal point in what we say and some in the throes of bitterness judge too quickly on others' situations. I guess that's what I was trying to get at.

 

True..

I have been given advise from people I know who about what is happening in my life..

My step father was giving me advise (not asked for) but... he went through a very ugly divorce.. and his ex is a real piece of work... (witch) to say the leaset.. met her several times.. and she was very ugly inside!!!! He wa giving me his point of view.. based on that experience.. The situation is only similar in that there is the word "separation" and that is about it.

 

Others have attempted to give advise.. but once again.. it is from their point of view. If I gave myself advise from what I only knew.. lets say in January.. my insight..and /or point of view would be different.. If I gave my self advise just after my last LTR break up in 96.. I would be screwing my self totally if I took my own advise... boy did I not have a clue back then:laugh:

 

I think this made sence:confused:

ilmw

[Mz. Pixie]

Someone posts with a problem and right off the bat people say he/she left? Forget about them! Move on! No need to try!

 

I'm of the opinion that when the spouse that left is involved with another person and wishy washy and the spouse has done all the can, then yeah, it's time to man up.

 

But guys I could have really used your help with Rosalie- who has left her husband because he's bipolar. I don't believe one person but me told her to try and work it out. They all said leave- and this is something he cannot even help!

[Ladyjane14]

But guys I could have really used your help with Rosalie- who has left her husband because he's bipolar. I don't believe one person but me told her to try and work it out. They all said leave- and this is something he cannot even help!

 

Oooops, sorry... I'm one of the guilty ones.

 

My concern for Rosalia though was that her husband's judgement was very affected. The theft of her father's guitar seemed pretty 'out there' to me. And even though alot bipolar personalities respond well to treatment, the patient has to be willing to persevere and work hard.

 

There's a safety concern, in that there's a potential not just for suicide, but occasionally homocide as well in severe depressive episodes. http://www.emedicine.com/med/topic229.htm

In some cases psychosis is a possibility. These are marginal risks in the grand scheme of things, but raising kids with an untreated manic-depressive in the home make it difficult to set normal routines and standards.

 

It's not that I don't feel sympathy for Rosalia's husband, and for the potential break-up of her family dynamic. It's just that she's the only one on the scene reliable enough to take care of her family. She's got to stay healthy and strong herself if she's going to get the job done.

 

I'm with you though on just about every other topic.

I've noticed in myself that my initial response to alot of guys lately is to "man-up" with an initial, pleasant but alpha-male, Mr. Reality based, opening salvo. And then to soften up and work on ENs via 'beta male'.

 

The classic MB "plan A" doesn't seem to work for alot of these guys. I'm thinking it's because they're all 'carrot' and 'no stick'. Too often, they're just soooo worried they're going to make a mistake that they can't break through the fantasy bubble. They end up running out of gas while the WW is just hitting her stride.

 

I'm wondering if introducing a BIG dose of reality at the onset could introduce an element of doubt for the WW whose experiencing what Gunny refers to so colorfully as... Flakey Broad Syndrome.

 

I'm not talking about women who are at their wit's end, dealing with 'drunken wife-beating porno/sex addicts'... but rather the one's who have just "flaked" out and decided what-the-heck.

There's been a ZERO-TOLERANCE FLAKE POLICY for my entire marriage. Hell yes... I'd have been more than happy to test the boundaries if they weren't fixed in granite. But they were... so I didn't. I knew I wouldn't be able to repair it if I did.

 

So, these days I'm wondering if it's possible to poke the fantasy bubble with a stick good and hard... and THEN do the "plan A" thing. I'm wondering if it will magnify the crisis to the point where adopting an alternative status quo isn't quite so desirable to the WW.

 

I honestly think that most garden-variety marital problems can be solved. Maybe the trick is to redirect the focus so that there's appropriate incentive for BOTH parties to get on the same page. Then... do the work.

[Gunny376]

I'm of the opinion that when the spouse that left is involved with another person and wishy washy and the spouse has done all the can, then yeah, it's time to man up.

 

But guys I could have really used your help with Rosalie- who has left her husband because he's bipolar. I don't believe one person but me told her to try and work it out. They all said leave- and this is something he cannot even help!

 

 

My problem was his being a bi-polar thief! Sorry, we can stand out here in the hot sun all day and you're not going to get me to buy off on that one. Right is right, wrong and wrong and evern someone who's bi-polar knows that.

 

We start slidding down that slipipery slope, and the PMS defense and a whole bunch of others gets crediability. (PMSing = I shot and killed my husband because I was PMSing really bad)

 

No, the line has to be drawn in the sand somewhere, and everything has a breaking point. I see and fully comprehend your point MzP, its just that I also believe in accountability.

 

You've got a mental illness ~ that's fine, I "feel" for you, I really do. But, what are you doing about it? I understand your addicted to crack or "ice" but that doesn't give you the right to break into my home and steal what I've worked for and scarificed for. I may even be "in love" with the person ~ but how many times can I afford to let them run my credit cards up to $15,000, from a zero balance? If my SIL was stealing there would be severe consequences. And, I don't know that they he would be welcomed back in my house. When you invite someone into your home ~ you shouldn't have to lock up everything you own and then take inventory when they leave?

[dgiirl]

Sorry Mz Pixie. I didnt comment on Rosalia's post because I was really torn on the issue. On the one hand, he has an illness. On the other, he's done some really wacked out things. And although he has an illness, he's also at risk of doing some damage to her as well. It's not quite the same as someone who's suffering from cancer. It's more similar to an alcoholic. Alcoholism is a "disease" and one should not just abandon someone else in their time of need, but on the other hand, if staying is going to bring you down the slope with them, you need to rescue yourself first. In Rosalia's case, I think if she stays, she might slip down that slope with him, which will not be good for either of them nor her kids. And who knows, if he realizes what is really at stake, it might give him the incentive to get help and to stick to it.

 

I've also started to question whether Plan A or B really work. And wonder if there was anything I could have done to save my marriage after the bomb dropped. In my case, he just simply left, and there was very little chance of talking. I dont think going pscyho on his ass would have helped in my situation, so I tried to keep the lines of communication open, I've tried to show him a pleasant confident person, yet simply let him be. I didnt come up with excuses to be around him, I didnt actively pursue a friendship with him. He didnt come back. Did I make a mistake somewhere? Could I have saved my marriage? I dont fricken know, and frankly I dont give a damn anymore My life has been so much better since I've been alone, and I barely remember who I was just 1.5 years ago. I do know that our relationship broke up over something that could and should have been solved if both parties were committed. He simply never valued marriage or our vows. I recall him telling me just a week b4 him dropping the dbomb that getting married in a church meant nothing to him and the only reason he did it was because I wanted too. It just shows his frame of mind b4 he left.

[Mz. Pixie]

You've got a mental illness ~ that's fine, I "feel" for you, I really do. But, what are you doing about it? I understand your addicted to crack or "ice" but that doesn't give you the right to break into my home and steal what I've worked for and scarificed for. I may even be "in love" with the person ~ but how many times can I afford to let them run my credit cards up to $15,000, from a zero balance? If my SIL was stealing there would be severe consequences. And, I don't know that they he would be welcomed back in my house. When you invite someone into your home ~ you shouldn't have to lock up everything you own and then take inventory when they leave?

 

There's a huge difference Gunny between CHOOSING to smoke that crack pipe the first time and becoming addicted than having no choice over the issue.

 

I'm with ya- it doesn't give him the right to break into anyone else's house or do these things, but come on really?? Shouldn't she have already restricted his money access way before now??

 

If charges would have been pressed originally wouldn't he have been admitted somewhere and perhaps someone might have looked into the issue. Hmmmm, upstanding business owner stealing from his parents but no drugs involved because he's passed a drug screen. What might be going on here?

 

I have to wonder how much co dependency on her part contributed? I'm not blaming her but if I see my spouse has a problem with money then ummm sorry you don't get access to it! But hey, that's just me!

 

You may feel differently if this was your adoring spouse you'd love for a long time who suddenly became bipolar or your sister or aunt.

 

Addiction is a choice that someone makes to begin the drugs. He didn't just up and decide whoooooaaaaah I think I'm going to become bipolar today. That's kind of like someone being sexually molested and then being told it was their choice to be so.

 

Ladyjane-I know there are violence issues to be taken into consideration- absolutely- which is why I said they should be separated until he had his symptoms under control.

 

Yet he is deciding to get treatment now that he knows what the problem is.

I think it was a huge shock to everyone and I think they all deserve- the kids especially- to be given a little time to deal. Him, her, the kids, the extended family.

[Gunny376]

So he get carte blache to do and say anything and not be held accountable for it! Wow! I think I'm going to start being bi-polar.

 

Sorry officer, I'm not responsible ~ I'm bi-polar. Here's my "Get Away With Murder Bi-polar Card"

 

And, yes Ma'am if were a closed and most beloved loved one of mine ~ I would hold the accountable for their actions, and hold their feet to the fire.

 

And in this particaular case, if I were her I could forgive. But, you'd better believe that this Marine wouldn't be signing up for a lifetime of this nonesense. Even rats know when to get off a sinkning ship.

 

Mind you, I'm not necessarly saying you're wrong in this and your opinion ~ I'm just stating my perspective on the subject ~ that and $1.09 will get you a cup of coffee down at the Waffle House.

 

Me? Personally, I've got a "personal code" that I go by and use as my moral compass. And with that comes personal boundaries. Pretty much anyone that doesn't have my name apperaring on their birth certificate, can hang it up with me. You get one and only one shot at this, so get it right. You get with me, your azz had best have it together ~ because I'll kick your to the curb quick. I've already wasted 12 years on one flakey broad ~ I'm not about to waste one single more.

 

You steal ~ you are a thief! You've always been one ~ and you are always going to be one in my eyes.

 

You cheat ~ you are a cheater.

 

You lie ~ you are a liar

 

When you dance with the Devil, you don't change him ~ he changes you.

 

That's not to say that you will ever steal, cheat, or lie again. But, then I will never know ~ becaused you and I aren't going to be together.

 

Great! I'm glad you've identified your problem and you're doing something about it, and getting that part of your life handled. Wonderful! That's great news! Now, you can get your act together and go find true love and happiness with someone else ~ because its not going to be with me!

 

Personally for me, once the trust is gone ~ and there's no getting it back. Once the crap's out of the bull, there is no putting it back in!

[dgiirl]

I donno Gunny. Sometimes people make huge mistakes, it doesnt necessarily mean they'll always make them. Sometimes they make them and they learn from it and know how to never let it happen again.

 

For example, cheating is a very complicated situation. If a couple is having problems with communication, it's extremely easy to find yourself vulernable and not use your head in situations. I've had it happen to me, where I couldnt predict what would happen and found myself in a very difficult situation, not sleeping, but kissing. It only happened once, and I learned from the situation. I really learned how to prevent it in the first place cos I can now spot the warning signs. Mind you, I was pretty young and naive at the time too. So from that experience, I grew up a little.

 

I like to give people one second chance. Once they know I wont put up with that sh*t, and if they THEN choose to repeat the same mistake, they're out of there. But you have to look at the circumstances of why they made that mistake.

 

I can appreciate Mz Pixie's POV. She's not saying stay with him just because he has this illness, but she's saying give him ONE chance to redeem himself because he just found out about his illness and is now getting help for it. She does have a valid point.