Author Mollyanna Posted August 22, 2006 Author Share Posted August 22, 2006 what else can I do, actually, he is the highlight of my day That is entirely our problem. We need to find new highlights to the day. Right now, my highlight is curling up in a blanket and taking 2 hour naps. Did I tell you that yesterday I told D that if he really liked me, the relationship thing would not be an issue because he wouldn't want to let me go. He said liking me is not a problem, that he purposely holds back. Why can't I believe him though? Why does this turn in my head to be - "What did I do wrong?" "What can I do to fix this?" "Why I am not loveable?" "What can I say to convince him to try?" This hurts all over again. I haven't heard from the guy yet that I met on Saturday night. But there are 3 missed calls from the town he is from. weird but no messages and they are all 3 different #'s. one of them says pay phone. Strange. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted August 22, 2006 Share Posted August 22, 2006 Hey, That is entirely our problem. We need to find new highlights to the day. Right now, my highlight is curling up in a blanket and taking 2 hour naps. Yeah, but nothing like a guy though (The smell, the touch, etc) And the worst part is that I don't care for many things. I'm so apathetic, kind of like that girl. Everything is stupid. I go visit someone and I can't wait to leave. Sigh, I wish I liked "something." Ah, even the keyboard thing is getting old I take naps too, but then I wake up and noooooo.... ok, is like I don't even want to wake up (not a good day today as you can see). "What did I do wrong?" "What can I do to fix this?" "Why I am not loveable?" "What can I say to convince him to try?" This hurts all over again. Yeah, I went through some of that with Denver guy too. And the worst part is that he didn't want me in favor of someone ruthless and mean (but kind of pretty, I guess). If she were a fountain of virtues I guess it'd make some more sense. (Kind of like that other X of yours that went with that mean girl you hated, and didn't want "you" that you'd give him the world). I haven't heard from the guy yet that I met on Saturday night. But there are 3 missed calls from the town he is from. Yeah, if he is interested he could be your next fwb. The problem is you fall for them (I don't even do that). Ariadne Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mollyanna Posted August 22, 2006 Author Share Posted August 22, 2006 yeah i am like that with sleeping right now. i wake up and think what am I possibly going to do today that is going to be better than this? I don't want the new guy to be a FWB though. I want to be in love. I wish I could take all my feelings for D and transition them quickly to someone else, someone who feels the same way about me and sees a future for us. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted August 22, 2006 Share Posted August 22, 2006 Hi, I don't want the new guy to be a FWB though. I want to be in love. Yeah, that's the trick. You know, I found that they have that movie, The Butterfly Effect in the Central Library. Maybe I'll go there one of these days to get it. I really want to see it. And I guess I can pick up some other rare movies that are hard to find like The Sheik with Rudolph Valentino, and some of the Marilyn Monroe ones that I haven't seen yet, that happen to be there. Ariadne Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mollyanna Posted August 22, 2006 Author Share Posted August 22, 2006 I can't get into anything right now. I am truly depressed Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted August 22, 2006 Share Posted August 22, 2006 Well, I think I'm going to force myself to the gym again. I don't really want to go now, but usually that makes me feel better afterwards. I'll give a ring to the fwb from there, I guess, since he has that smoke from Jamaica me Crazy too, that helps Ariadne Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mollyanna Posted August 22, 2006 Author Share Posted August 22, 2006 i keep forgetting it is 3 hours earlier there! Have a good time. I smoked with D yesterday. damn everything reminds me of him. I am hurting all over again. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted August 22, 2006 Share Posted August 22, 2006 Hi, damn everything reminds me of him. I am hurting all over again. You'll see him again, I guarantee. Don't you worry I'm stepping out of the house now, bye, Ariadne __________________ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ Link to post Share on other sites
Teacher's Pet Posted August 22, 2006 Share Posted August 22, 2006 i keep forgetting it is 3 hours earlier there! Have a good time. I smoked with D yesterday. damn everything reminds me of him. I am hurting all over again. *hugs* It gets easier, you crazy DS. :) You know how to get hold of me if you need me! -tp "SB" Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mollyanna Posted August 22, 2006 Author Share Posted August 22, 2006 Thanks you guys! I know today is difficult because I just spent the last 2 days with him and we had a really good talk last night... and then today all he cares about is that damn bike. I was missing him already but if you could have seen the way he looked at me yesterday... the minute he walked into the party and saw me he gave me the biggest smile. my heart jumped. Even the way he talked about me to our group of friends - telling stuff about me that only he would know. And he was teasing me and complimenting me and being silly with me, every comment in every discussion, always eye to eye with me as if I was the only one in the room. And the goodbye in the driveway. whoa... It was too soon for us to see each other. I want to run out and do it again though. How stupid is that? I feel like we just broke up today... but he still says BREAK. what the hell DOES that mean for us? Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted August 22, 2006 Share Posted August 22, 2006 Argh, I'm back. I had an argument "again" with that fwb. He told me to see him today, but that it'd have to be "late" because he had some stuff to do whatever, and that he'd call me to let me know what time. So I went to the gym, and by the time I was done with the class, shower and so on it was 10pm. I called him to ask what's going on, and no answer. So I left him a message, "It's 10pm, I'm just off the gym, I don't know if I should go to my house or yours, but I guess I'm going to head to your place." (The gym is right in the middle, and his house is not that close) Ok, I'm like 3 blocks away from his house and he calls, all furious, "See what I mean that you suffocate me!?" Ugh? What am I supposed to do? Sit in the gym maybe he'll call back? He invited me, and I figured 10pm was late enough. But I guess he doesn't like me to go to his house without the proper instructions etc. So I said, "Ok, I'm going back now. Bye" And made a "U" turn and here I am. The hell with him. What a pest that guy . Ariadne Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted August 22, 2006 Share Posted August 22, 2006 Sigh, Ok, so he calls (10:50pm) that "now" he is home, and if I want to come over. I guess he wasn't home when he called? I told him no, that now I'm back home. Men... (or me being crazy, I don't know) Ariadne Link to post Share on other sites
AriaIncognito Posted August 22, 2006 Share Posted August 22, 2006 *hugs* It gets easier, you crazy DS. :) You know how to get hold of me if you need me! -tp "SB" Aww, DS, you know SB and FW (was that mine i forget lol) love ya. I'm here if you need to message... :-) Jennifer Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mollyanna Posted August 22, 2006 Author Share Posted August 22, 2006 Sigh, Ok, so he calls (10:50pm) that "now" he is home, and if I want to come over. I guess he wasn't home when he called? I told him no, that now I'm back home. Men... (or me being crazy, I don't know) Ariadne I don't think it is you being crazy, maybe just the guy you picked - the guys we are all choosing... I am so sick of chasing after some idiot for him to not appreciate me. When I list out all the things about him that I don't like, I know I am better than him. I can do better than this. So can you. We need men who will realize that and will chase us! You going to his house didn't allow him to chase you. I think that is all they freaking want. They want a challenge and we are not being a challenge anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mollyanna Posted August 22, 2006 Author Share Posted August 22, 2006 I have been sitting here crying writing this letter to D. Doubt I will give it to him but this is what I am feeling right now: Everything I really want to say seems to just stick in my throat. I need you to understand me, but the feelings I have are so intense that I don’t know how to express them. One smile from you, one teasing word, one loving glance, one soft touch, and I am hooked. And I don’t know what to do now about these feelings. You don’t want them and I don’t want to just keep them inside any longer. It hurts me to not be with you, but it also hurts to be with you and feel I must hold all my feelings in so I don’t scare you away. I miss you. I know I say that quite a bit, but it isn’t just the time we spent together that I miss. I miss someone really getting to know me. I don’t want to let go of this connection we have and slowly just fade out of each other’s lives. I have never felt as safe and secure as when we are together. It’s like nothing can get me as long as you are there. So now what do I do? I can’t even imagine loving someone else right now. Everyone tells me to find someone else. And I have met a few people, but I don’t want to give up on YOU. But it is like you have just looked me over and said “nah, I’ll pass”. I try to make myself believe that you really do care about me, but you are just too afraid of your feelings. But all I end up feeling at the end of the day is that you just don’t want me. You don’t care enough about me to keep me! And it is that feeling that makes me not want to hold on to all these emotions I have about you anymore. I want someone who will love me as much as I love them. I want someone who welcomes what I can bring to his life. Link to post Share on other sites
Teacher's Pet Posted August 22, 2006 Share Posted August 22, 2006 That was a beautiful letter, sweetie.. But as a guy, DON'T give it to him. My "Guy Senses" are beeping "PSYCHO! PSYCHO!" I KNOW you aren't a psycho, just hurt, but sometimes in the heat of frustration in a relationship, a person can be perceived as such....... My biggest problem in relationships is no different, that's why I proud of my nearly 2 months of NC with my ex. I bet you anything she was expected me to become a psychopath. I haven't. I've kept to myself, and for the most part, cried myself to sleep every night over the "perfect love I had" with her. Maybe it helped me feel better, maybe it didn't, but as a guy, I didn't SHOW weakness to her. In her heart, that might actually count for something, that suddenly she looks back and I'm NOT there chasing her........ Just a SB's 2 cents worth. -tp Link to post Share on other sites
crazy_grl Posted August 22, 2006 Share Posted August 22, 2006 Mollyanna, don't send him that letter. I'm pretty sure he already knows how you feel, so there's no point in telling him again. It just makes you look needy. Too much of your life is wrapped up in this guy, and it's not healthy. Hanging onto him and trying to talk to him and see him is just drawing out the pain longer. I'm sorry to say this, but calling him so much and sleeping with him is making you look desperate. If he's going to decide to be with you, he'll do that no matter whether you're around all the time. Actually, if you're not around it might show him what he'll be missing out on without you. You're clinging. That's not attractive, and it doesn't win guys back. You seem like a beautiful and sweet person. You don't need this guy or any other, and if he's too dumb to realize what he's giving up, then forget him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mollyanna Posted August 22, 2006 Author Share Posted August 22, 2006 You guys are right. I do look desperate. I FEEL desperate. If he would tell me he isn't interested in me and doesn't have feelings for me, I could maybe give up. But the fact that he says his feelings for me scare him, that is what makes me hold on. Sometimes I think I am just pushing at him so he will tell me to get the hell out of his life and then I can move on, without worrying there was something else I could have done. The woulda coulda shouldas just kill me! NO i decided last night not to send it. In fact the letters to him have become a journal. It stopped me last night from calling him. I am hoping that the next time I come close to pouring out my feelings to him, I will type another letter in the journal and feel that emotional release I need and that will be good enough. Crazygrl, you hit the nail on the head - he does know how I feel. I have already told him. Me saying it is only serving to make me feel better. It's not helping our situation. It is probably just scaring him more because he doesn't want to hurt me. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted August 22, 2006 Share Posted August 22, 2006 Hey you, That was the most beautiful letter. I would send it right away, but then, you shouldn't be listening to me because is like the blind leading the blind. If he would tell me he isn't interested in me and doesn't have feelings for me, I could maybe give up. But the fact that he says his feelings for me scare him Yeah, the mixed signals. Aren't those the killer? They tell you one thing, but they act like they are smitten when they see you. My "Guy Senses" are beeping "PSYCHO! PSYCHO!" -tp (Everything is psycho for them, they can't take it) I will type another letter in the journal and feel that emotional release I need and that will be good enough. Yeah, that a good way to express your emotions. I haven't found that means to express myself yet playing Jingle Bells in the keyboard Well, good luck there, hope he calls today, Ariadne __________________ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mollyanna Posted August 22, 2006 Author Share Posted August 22, 2006 he's not going to call. Our friend called me a while ago. She said D doesn't want to be with me because he is afraid of pulling me down with him. he wants to get his act together, not take me into that life. He really really cares about me.... I need to let him go and do what he needs to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted August 22, 2006 Share Posted August 22, 2006 Argh, D doesn't want to be with me because he is afraid of pulling me down with him. That is the most killer for someone like us to get. Sigh.... tough tough tough, Ariadne Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mollyanna Posted August 22, 2006 Author Share Posted August 22, 2006 I do get it though, at least today. This weekend when I get back into town and want to run to his house, that will be a different story... Now I understand why he called last week wanting me to play tennis with him this week. He is trying to spend some time with me outside of the partying scene. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted August 22, 2006 Share Posted August 22, 2006 Well, As long as you are in the game you are in. (Not like me that the guy won't talk and is engaged, eek) Good luck there, Ariadne Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mollyanna Posted August 23, 2006 Author Share Posted August 23, 2006 I don't think I can afford this game anymore. I am really losing touch with reality right now. Sleeping all day, staying up all night. no fun, no activities, nothing except going out once a week in a drunken stupor and maybe watching a few hours of bad 3 am television. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted August 23, 2006 Share Posted August 23, 2006 Hi, I am really losing touch with reality right now. Sleeping all day, staying up all night. Ack ack ack... Well, you can tell him that. Tell him you are a total wreck or some. Ariadne Link to post Share on other sites
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