OmG what have I done? psycho me

[Mollyanna]

now why would he want to know that? that would definitely hurt him more. He is already so afraid of hurting me. If he finds out how much I am hurting this time, he will never want to see me again.

[Touche]

now why would he want to know that? that would definitely hurt him more. He is already so afraid of hurting me. If he finds out how much I am hurting this time, he will never want to see me again.

 

No, it wouldn't HURT him. It would only make him lose more respect for you than he already does.

 

Once again, I think you're a sweetheart, Ariadne but you give Molly the WORST advice you can ever give her.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

now why would he want to know that? that would definitely hurt him more. He is already so afraid of hurting me. If he finds out how much I am hurting this time, he will never want to see me again.

 

Well, is like you are afraid of scaring him away and sharing your feelings with him.

 

That's already a bad foundation for any relationship.

 

Like Osho says: When you love a person all fear disappears. And when you are afraid all love disappears.

 

Ariadne

[Touche]

Hi,

 

now why would he want to know that? that would definitely hurt him more. He is already so afraid of hurting me. If he finds out how much I am hurting this time, he will never want to see me again.

 

Well, is like you are afraid of scaring him away and sharing your feelings with him.

 

That's already a bad foundation for any relationship.

 

Like Osho says: When you love a person all fear disappears. And when you are afraid all love disappears.

 

Ariadne

 

 

She's already shared her feelings. He's not responsive. Time for her to move on and show some dignity.

[Mollyanna]

I have been sharing my feelings with him for a while now and it is getting me nowhere. And yes it will hurt him. He said when I am upset it makes him hate himself for what he has done to me.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

I have been sharing my feelings with him for a while now and it is getting me nowhere. And yes it will hurt him. He said when I am upset it makes him hate himself for what he has done to me.

 

Ough, well, but putting a facade that is not the truth is as bad. And I think I prefer the truth.

 

Argh, again I have to leave you... I have a gym class at 7:15? and it's 7:08 , and then fwb, this time he scheduled it right.

 

Hugs hugs hugs hugs,

 

Ariadne

[Mollyanna]

Hi,

 

I have been sharing my feelings with him for a while now and it is getting me nowhere. And yes it will hurt him. He said when I am upset it makes him hate himself for what he has done to me.

 

Ough, well, but putting a facade that is not the truth is as bad. And I think I prefer the truth.

 

Argh, again I have to leave you... I have a gym class at 7:15? and it's 7:08 , and then fwb, this time he scheduled it right.

 

Hugs hugs hugs hugs,

 

Ariadne

 

but if I don't talk to him, he won't know I am hurting. So it isn't a facade. I just need to let this pass and get better and THEN maybe I can talk to him again. unless i just give up. that's a possibility at this point. I wish the new guy would call while I am here or not on the line. I think he has called 4 times but won't leave a message!

 

Have a good night girl! Glad you are getting out of the house.

[ImmaBeAlright]

Hi,

 

I am really losing touch with reality right now. Sleeping all day, staying up all night.

 

Ack ack ack...

 

Well, you can tell him that. Tell him you are a total wreck or some.

 

Ariadne

 

 

 

Why? That will just feed his ego.

[ImmaBeAlright]

Hi,

 

now why would he want to know that? that would definitely hurt him more. He is already so afraid of hurting me. If he finds out how much I am hurting this time, he will never want to see me again.

 

Well, is like you are afraid of scaring him away and sharing your feelings with him.

 

That's already a bad foundation for any relationship.

 

Like Osho says: When you love a person all fear disappears. And when you are afraid all love disappears.

 

Ariadne

 

 

Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't they broken up? Am I missing something here? You seem to be enjoying this tragic trainwreck of a 'love story'.

[Ariadne]

Morning,

 

but if I don't talk to him, he won't know I am hurting. So it isn't a facade. I just need to let this pass and get better and THEN maybe I can talk to him again.

 

Well, as long as you believe that's the right thing to do, then that's the right thing to do. If you can wait for the feeling to subside, feel better, and don't make him feel bad, I don't see anything wrong with that either.

 

unless i just give up. that's a possibility at this point.

 

That is.

 

I wish the new guy would call while I am here or not on the line. I think he has called 4 times but won't leave a message!

 

I don't usually leave messages either. Unless I absolutely have to. But good thing he's calling.

 

Have a good night girl! Glad you are getting out of the house.

 

Thanks. Yeah, feeling good this morning,

 

Ariadne

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

Why? That will just feed his ego.

 

Is that going to make him happy? Then I'd say that's a good thing.

 

That's already a bad foundation for any relationship.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't they broken up?

Am I missing something here?

 

The relationship that she would like to have with him. The one she hopes for.

 

You seem to be enjoying this tragic trainwreck of a 'love story'.

 

I enjoy anything that is related with love.

 

Ariadne

[Mollyanna]

Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't they broken up?

Am I missing something here?

Well we sorta do still have a relationship, just not the one I want. He says we are on a "break" and everytime I tell him what people say a break really is, he gets mad and says, well I will prove it to you, just wait and see.

[Guest]

Well, like alot of others said, at least you can laugh about it. And you are lucky that he laughed it off... soundz like a pretty nice guy. I don't think that you pushed him away by doing this. if he was mad about then there would be cause for worry.. I think you two will be fine..

[Ariadne]

Hey,

 

So how are you doing there today?

 

I'm having a really bad day again. I'm having one of those, this is unreal, I can't believe is happening, day.

 

It feels like someone has flipped the world around me and left me all confused, a nothing makes sense day.

 

Sigh,

 

Ariadne

[Mollyanna]

Hey, I am on a business trip so I am at least keeping busy. But then I tried to sleep and I have been waking up every hour with dreams about some guy falling in love with me and then I see him with another girl. The girl is usually someone I know.

 

Sorry Ariadne that you are feeling so confused. I just don't know how the heck we are supposed to get through this, but I know we will. I think you and I both need to find that "purpose" you were talking about in your other post. We need to focus our passion onto something besides a guy. Hell if I know what that is, but I am going to spend more time concentrating on that instead of D. Haven't talked to him since Monday, doing well so far. I think I am starting to accept it.

[Ariadne]

Hey,

 

(I'm still up).

 

Hey, I am on a business trip so I am at least keeping busy.

 

You fancy. At least things are going kind of well on that front. So, be glad for that.

 

Sorry Ariadne that you are feeling so confused.

 

I know. I mean, that guy, not only I read the gazillion emails we wrote each other, but thousands of his posts in different forums as well. How could be so wrong about him? Or maybe it is this distance has made it all weirded out and I'm being deluded again. I don't know.

 

But he was so honest, so good, so nice, such a nice person...and then to ignore me and ditch me in such a way (excuse or not) without saying goodbye even, is something I can't still get through my head. I know, it is the reality, but it feels like I'm not even talking about the same person. So bizarre...it seems like you have to be "me" to have these things happen to.

 

Is like Jesus was a killer, like the Pope is a pervert, like I don't know what.

 

(Btw, my birthday is going to be in a few days and I keep remembering that last year he shipped me a teddy bear with a beautiful card that arrived on "the" day, and this year it will be like he doesn't even know me).

 

I think you and I both need to find that "purpose" you were talking about in your other post.

 

Speaking of which, I thought before, ok, my purpose is going to be my son. I will make him into a great student. So I kept track of all his school work, homework, talked to all the teachers, etc. Heck, I even did his hw when he was too tired (all those math hws).

 

But then, after a while, I realized that I can't make my son into something he is not. He doesn't care much for good grades. He has his own interests.

 

So that purpose didn't work...

 

Haven't talked to him since Monday, doing well so far. I think I am starting to accept it.

 

Well, doing good. It's Thursday now. But you'll see him again, I'm pretty sure.

 

Ariadne

[Mollyanna]

Ariadne:

you said you tried to make your purpose your son - that is still transferring your attention to someone else. You have to find something that makes YOU happy. Don't live for other people. I'm not saying you shouldn't be the best mom you can be, but you have to live your life for you.

 

actually work is not going well, it is kind of ho-hum. I am very bored of it. I do not want to be here at all. Stood in front of those students all day yesterday thinking how the hell am I going to get through the next couple days of this. I NEED to find something else.

 

Yes, I am sure I will see him again. I don't plan on cutting him out of my life completely. It is just the last couple of days I have been angry at him. He didn't do anything recently to make me mad at him, but I am. I don't understand it. Suddenly he has lost some of the "sparkle" in my eyes. I am looking at him a little differently now. I guess I have removed my rose-colored glasses. Maybe you should do the same!!!!!

 

As for everything seeming unreal, maybe you are just coming to terms with who he really is? Kind of what I am doing. D and I's whole relationship seems like some freaking soap opera story to me right now. I am suddenly aware of all the drama that happened and wondering who was that person I had become?

[Ariadne]

Hey,

 

Thanks for the reply.

 

You have to find something that makes YOU happy.

 

Sigh...

 

Stood in front of those students all day yesterday thinking how the hell am I going to get through the next couple days of this.

 

Omg, I think I'd just run away. The only students I'd want to be in front of, are 5 years old telling them how to make a snake with play-dough.

 

I NEED to find something else.

 

What are we going to do...

 

Yes, I am sure I will see him again. I don't plan on cutting him out of my life completely. It is just the last couple of days I have been angry at him.

 

Angry because of the frustration of the whole thing?

 

Suddenly he has lost some of the "sparkle" in my eyes. I am looking at him a little differently now. I guess I have removed my rose-colored glasses. Maybe you should do the same!!!!!

 

Well, I've been doing that with the betrayal thing. But every time I do that I get confused. Because is like making him into something he is not. Is like thinking, Mollyanna is a bitch. Ok, you can say that a million times, but it doesn't make it so.

 

So either I think he betrayed me, which in a way I think he did. But then I wonder who am I to question him. Besides, every time I did so, it turned out that he was right. He was always a notch above me in the spiritual scale.

 

Besides, when he stopped talking to me I understood him completely. In fact, I didn't expect any less than that. So why don't I understand now? I think I'm just letting the hurt of not talking to him get in the way and obscuring everything .

 

As for everything seeming unreal, maybe you are just coming to terms with who he really is? Kind of what I am doing.

 

Yeah, but they are nice...

 

D and I's whole relationship seems like some freaking soap opera story to me right now.

 

Yeah, this one, and the X one, and the one with the guy at work that went with the other coworker. I mean. Me too, I've been married twice even, and still can't get it right. But the soap operas always end up with the girl getting the guy, this soap opera has a horrible ending.

 

I am suddenly aware of all the drama that happened and wondering who was that person I had become?

 

Yeah, I was just having lunch today with my ex husb 2, and he was telling me that I was the biggest waste he's ever seen. That it is such a shame because I have so much potential.

 

Everyone tells me that I have "potential," but it stops right there. I don't know what to do with it, or who I have become anymore either.

 

Hope you are having a nice day today and heading back home,

 

Ariadne

[Mollyanna]

Is like thinking, Mollyanna is a bitch. Ok, you can say that a million times, but it doesn't make it so.

hey that worked! I am a bitch now. I feel like one anyway. god I am mad at him today! all of a sudden I am thinking, why would I want to be with someone like that? How dare he not want me? I mean, come on - on paper I am out of his league.

 

Yeah, I was just having lunch today with my ex husb 2, and he was telling me that I was the biggest waste he's ever seen. That it is such a shame because I have so much potential.

 

Everyone tells me that I have "potential," but it stops right there. I don't know what to do with it, or who I have become anymore either.

 

oh come on, what a jerk to even say that to you. Who the hell does he think he is?? Ignorant bastards like that, you shouldn't even be having lunch with!

 

Yeah it sounds like we need to find outselves Ariadne. Is this a midlife crisis ALREADY?

 

I am really proud of myself after the day I have had, that I did not call D. I called a friend instead. This is the end of Day 3, where I caved both times before. I wonder why I am so damn angry all of a sudden. Is there a stage in grief for this? Does this mean I am almost through with it?

[Ariadne]

Yeeeee.....

 

I'm excited!

 

I went to the therapist today and she told me that I already have a job...

 

That my job is to look for a job, and she wants me to see her on Tuesday with the resume done and a list of 10 prospect employers.

 

Alright! Because if it is not like this, homework like, I'm never going to do anything to get a job.

 

So, seems like the therapy is working already. That's exactly what I wanted from it, more than to solve my issues etc, I wanted it to be practical.

 

So, I'm happy already about that

 

Ariadne

[Ariadne]

Hey,

 

all of a sudden I am thinking, why would I want to be with someone like that? How dare he not want me? I mean, come on - on paper I am out of his league.

 

Is he cute at least? Well, I know he is all smooth to talk. I just think that when guys see that we are so crazy about them, they freak out and think we are psychos. That's why I think things go better with the guys that I "don't" like, because I don't obsess over them so they feel more at ease. But I can't help making the guy I love my world, and they run.

 

Someone would have to be very understanding of the nature, but those are hard to find.

 

oh come on, what a jerk to even say that to you. Who the hell does he think he is?? Ignorant bastards like that, you shouldn't even be having lunch with!

Oh no no... (I sound like you now). But he is the nicest person I know. He is like a brother to me, the nicest. He said that with sorrow, because he tells me that I'm this and that and a bag of chips, and to be wasted like that, doing nothing with my life. He just doesn't get it.

 

I told him today that I wanted to be like he unabomber. He said, you are so crazy, see, if someone hears you say that he'd think that you are an imbecile! Come on, be real. Etc etc etc... like a big brother.

 

Yeah it sounds like we need to find ourselves Ariadne. Is this a midlife crisis ALREADY?

Oh well, with my therapist I'm going to find me a nice job nearby, that I don't have to commute 3hrs a day like the other, and I'm actually excited about that. So, if I'm happy with my work ,then that'd be some improvement with my crisis.

 

This is the end of Day 3, where I caved both times before. I wonder why I am so damn angry all of a sudden.

 

Becaaause, 3 days is the day that you "talk". Isn't that the pattern? So you are in deep craving mode now I'd say.

 

Is there a stage in grief for this? Does this mean I am almost through with it?

 

Nah, that means you have to talk, or he has to text, or something. And then you'll be all happy again

 

Ariadne

[Mollyanna]

Well I think your "brother" sounds mean, but only you know how he meant it. I really don't understand the unibomber comment though, can you elaborate? Maybe i don't know enough about that guy, but I can't imagine wanting to be like him could be a good thing...

 

Yes, D is cute in a hard-ass kind of way. Everyone is always surprised that is who I am dating. They think he is cute, just not really my type. But I do like the bad guy image and yes he says all the right things.

 

Well if getting angry gets me through the days, I guess I accept it. Maybe I need a therapist to give me some homework. I really admire that even when you are going through this, you keep trying. You seem to have no problem getting out of the house to shop for keyboards, go to the gym, visit FWB, sign up for school, and go to the therapist. I can't seem to do anything with ease.

[Ariadne]

Hey,

 

Good morning

 

Well I think your "brother" sounds mean, but only you know how he meant it.

 

He's been my good friend for over 10 years now. He kind of scolds me I'd say, but he'll do anything for me.

 

I really don't understand the unibomber comment though, can you elaborate? Maybe i don't know enough about that guy, but I can't imagine wanting to be like him could be a good thing...

 

I meant because he went to live in a cabin in the forest and became a hermit. (Not in the bombing part)

 

And I share some of his ideas that he wrote in his manifesto (from the wikipedia):

 

After resigning his position at Berkeley, he held no permanent employment. He lived a simple life in a remote shack on very little money, occasionally worked odd jobs.

 

He stated that the only alternative to technological subjugation in the near future was to completely reject all technology as an ideological first principle. This would involve arguing for a return to a life close to nature and in which the "power process", a psychological need he described as the ability to solve one's own problems and have power over one's life, is fulfilled.

 

Kaczynski argued that it was necessary to cause a "complete social collapse" in order to prevent a politically correct technology-dominated society from taking away the freedom of the great majority to experience the power process, thus enslaving humanity, with individuals having the freedom of domestic animals in a society dominated by machines...

 

Anarcho-primitivism Political doctrine of the Unabomber

 

------------

 

Well, enough of that. But I do think that people are like working machines enslaving their lives to corporations.

 

That's why I don't want to go to work and spend the whole day locked up in a lab typing code.

 

But I think it is because of the situation that I'm in now...Maybe if I get a job that I like, I would be more tolerant of the slavery it implies. I don't know.

 

Yes, D is cute in a hard-ass kind of way.

 

Well, as long as he is smart...But he is smart enough in the talk part at least.

 

But I do like the bad guy image and yes he says all the right things.

 

Oh good, we could be friends. Because I like nerds.

 

I really admire that even when you are going through this, you keep trying. You seem to have no problem getting out of the house to shop for keyboards, go to the gym, visit FWB, sign up for school, and go to the therapist. I can't seem to do anything with ease.

 

Woohoo... Thank you! Well, my problem is more mental than other. With the "purpose of life" problem that I don't know what the heck I'm doing here... and the "I want to be a hermit" problem... and the "Denver guy" problem that is not talking to me and is hurting me badly.

 

But at least you can do your job! I couldn't do that when I worked. Instead of showing up for work at 8 or 9am like everyone else I went to work at 2pm. I'm telling you, I was pretty bad.

 

Ariadne

[Mollyanna]

believe me, there are many days where I don't "go" to work as early as I should. I am lucky because I work from home, but some days I don't start until 11 or Noon and I have been taking a lot of naps. Then I have to work all evening or on the weekends to catch up.

 

Well it has been 4 days and I haven't called him YET. But I am going to. My fingers are dying to dial that phone. But only because I want to tell him what my friend called to tell me. It is about his brother. His brother doesn't like ME. He said if she wasn't going to hang out with me, he was done with her because when she and I get together we are stupid drunk and obnoxious. OK, I have met him 3 times and yes all three times was when she and I were drunk. But if he had known me for the rest of the year I have lived here, he would know I am usually very quiet and reserved. She can't convince him of that.

 

OK so I told you now, maybe that will stop me from calling D and telling him that. MAYBE. Maybe I will just call him and tell him and then quickly get off the phone.

 

Ariadne, I really don't think hiding away in the woods anywhere is going to help your life. Believe me, I hide myself away enough and it is making me WORSE.

[Ariadne]

Hey,

 

My fingers are dying to dial that phone. But only because I want to tell him what my friend called to tell me.

 

Yeah, that's a good excuse.

 

It is about his brother. His brother doesn't like ME. He said if she wasn't going to hang out with me, he was done with her because when she and I get together we are stupid drunk and obnoxious.

 

Well, you said that he was kind of jealous and cocky. Nah, is ok. He just doesn't know you very much.

 

OK so I told you now, maybe that will stop me from calling D and telling him that. MAYBE.

 

No, any excuse is good. Are you back in Florida? Tell him you want to see the bike or just bring up the bike subject

 

Maybe I will just call him and tell him and then quickly get off the phone.

 

(Not quickly)

 

Ariadne, I really don't think hiding away in the woods anywhere is going to help your life. Believe me, I hide myself away enough and it is making me WORSE.

 

I just don't want to work, hermit, housewife, whatever. Sigh.

 

Well, later you. Spent the afternoon with the fwb, and had dinner with ex husb 2 (I had to give him a ride). He was nice this time.

 

Good luck if you call,

 

Ariadne