Marriage

[Scatena]

My husband came to me and said that he wasn't in love with me but was in love with a friend of his from work. They are both teachers and this started to get heated in the summer while they were on break and I still had to work. I was asking him about the appropriatness of this "friendship" for months and he assured me he loved me and they were just friends. My husband is minimizing this relationship saying he hasn't been as happy as he should have for 5 years, we've veen married for 3 and just bought a house 3 months ago. (he told me he loved me 2 days before,h e know says he only said that because he felt bad.) He has agreed to go to 6 counseling session, we have 4 left, to see if if wants to work it out, I desparately do. He is still talking and seeing this other woman and doesn't think its a big deal. Though he says its different now. He acts like he doesn't want to be around me and is always at another couples house that he, the other woman and him are friends with. It is very painfull to be around his indifference toward me, especially since that there are times when we have good times and he is affectionate, yet he always minimizes this the next day. My question- do you believe asking him to move out, which I know he would go running to them, would be the beginning of the end or help him realize he should give a real effort to wokr on his marriage.

[Walk]

Tough situation. It doesn't sound to me as though he has any desire to work on your relationship. If he did, he would've stopped any contact with the other woman. He's just going through the motions so he doesn't look so much like an a-hole.

 

I don't know if it would help the marriage, but I think at this point you should ask him to move out. Actually, I would pack him a few things and set it by the door. And when he gets home, ask him for the key and tell him to get out. That until he honors the promises and vows he made to you and God on your wedding day, that you don't want him anywhere near you.

 

He needs a wake up call. And right now, I think he knows that you'll continue to want him no matter what he does. He feels safe. He feels that he doesn't want you because you're still there if he should feel like he wants you for a while.

 

It might not work, as far as making him want to work on the marriage.. kicking him out won't "drive" him to the other woman because he's already driven there out of lust in the first place. All you would be doing is pulling the safety blanket out from under him. That nice cushy landing he's planning on. The sudden realty of not having a "home", a safe harbor, and a woman who he's known and loved for years waiting for him.... kind of like falling off a cliff. She may be new and exciting.. but you have a stronger pull on him if he truly loved you at any point.

 

You need to demand respect, and do it now. He using you as a saftey net. If this thing with the co-worker isn't what he thought, then he'll come bouncing back, knowing you'll be there to cushion the blow. He's too secure in your desire for him. Basically, he's standing on you to get to his ice cream.. it's not fair to you. And you aren't doing him any favors by holding him up. Sometimes a person has to touch the burner, to know how bad it hurts. Let him touch it by kicking him out of the loving, accepting relationship you had built for him.

 

If he can't appreciate what you gave to him... he doesn't deserve to continue getting it. You bust your ass working, and he's off galavanting around, lying to you, and he KNEW he was wrong yet still did it.

 

My vote: kick him out, and do it today.

[debs]

I am sorry your going through this...I feel like I am going through the similar circumstances from 3 years ago all over again reading your post!

I didn't hold on to mine and let him go and I can say it was the best decision of my entire life!

Just let him go and be done with this as fast as you can!

It is easy for us to tell you that but I can say It does get better!