Husband's lying, porn addiction, EA and so on. I don't know what do anymore.

[Guest]

The last year of my marriage has been pretty rocky.

 

Last summer, my husband began having an EA with a classmate. They were doing a paper together, and began spending a lot of time with each other. He went out with her twice after work (to discuss the paper) without telling me he'd be going, and there was drinking involved. They were meeting up during the day to have lunch, text messaging each other, emails, long phone conversations and so on.

 

I realized things seemed to be getting inappropriate, and I told him I did not want the two of them to spend time alone anymore. That if they had to discuss the paper, they could do so via email, or over the phone. He agreed to stop, but very unwillingly, and become downright hostile towards me for asking.

 

I found out they went to lunch, talked, hung out at school after he agreed to stop. I was very upset about this.

 

As far as I know, the contact stopped a while ago. I had moved past it pretty much. A few weeks ago, my husband had been drinking, and the discussion of cheating came up. My husband announced he has had several opportunities to do so, and turned them down. I asked when, and with who. I then blurted out "with your classmate" and he said yes. He told me one of the times they went to lunch together, she made several passes at him. From this point on, he continued the "friendship" and invalidated me completely when I requested he stop the friendship, telling me I was worrying for nothing, and that I am insecure and jealous. All the while, he knew she was interested in him.

 

Around the same time as this EA was taking place, I found out from my step-father that my husband and him had went to a strip club when I was pregnant (long story as to why they went.) and that my husband disappeared with all the money (around $1000 was spent that night) and a particular stripper he'd been spending time with, for over two hours. When I confronted my husband about this, he denied it. However, my step-father has never lied to me, and I could tell it was very difficult for him to tell me this stuff. The reason he told me, is because of the EA, he was upset with my husband and what he was doing. He also told me when my he and my husband have hung out together on other occasions, my husband "doesn't act like a married man when I am not around"

 

Hearing this was quite unnerving.

 

On top of all of this we've had issues with porn for a while now. He has known from the day he met me I am not crazy about porn. Over the years his habit of looking at it grew. We had several arguments over his constant looking.

 

It came to a point, where last year I gave up. I stopped telling him it bothered me, I stopped bringing it up, and I even began watching it with him, as it felt like the only way to get him interested in sex with me.

 

He was looking at it every chance he could get, usually daily. He stopped coming to me for sex, and when we did have sex (usually after I complained it had been a while) he could not maintain an erection or ejaculate. I knew the porn had to go, and that it was the culprit for our failing sex life.

 

So early this year, I made it very clear how I felt about the porn, and that I wanted his looking at it to stop. He defended it, and told me he didn't have a problem with looking.. that is was just something he did when he was "bored."

 

However, he did agree to stop. But he didn't. I kept finding it, and he kept trying to make better attempts to hide it. After numerous instances of this, I finally got fed up, and I left him. I stayed with my parent's, and I told him he had to choose the porn or me, that I couldn't stay in the marriage if it continued.

 

He again agreed to give it up completely. I urged counseling, but he refused, stating he had no problem.

 

Since then, it is the same thing. I keep finding it, he gets angry, and goes to greater lengths to hide it. He even began making discs at work, so that he could watch it at home without a trace.

 

I made an appointment with a counselor for both of us. I asked him if he would please go with me. He became very upset, and we are no longer on speaking terms.

 

I don't know what to do. I do love him, and there are so many good things about him, but these issues are hurting me and our relationship. Some days I just want to pack my bags, and go. Others, I want to continue to try and make it work.

 

The lies, deception, and constant lusting after other women has done a number on me emotionally. I am at a point where I no longer trust him anymore, and it hurts.

 

I apologize for the long post. Any insight would be very appreciated.

[JadeStar]

It is good you made an appointment with a counselor. Even if he doesn't want to go, you still need to go. Someone that can better guide you in the right direction as far as what to do. Unfortunatly, you can not make him go if he doesn't want to. Until he really relizes there is a problem he wont do nothing about it anyway. He is in denial theres any problems right now. He doesn't want to own up to the fact he has a hand in whats going on. Hopefully the counselor can give you some advice on what to do. Hang in there.

 

 

 

Jade

[Guest]

It is good you made an appointment with a counselor. Even if he doesn't want to go, you still need to go. Someone that can better guide you in the right direction as far as what to do. Unfortunatly, you can not make him go if he doesn't want to. Until he really relizes there is a problem he wont do nothing about it anyway. He is in denial theres any problems right now. He doesn't want to own up to the fact he has a hand in whats going on. Hopefully the counselor can give you some advice on what to do. Hang in there.

 

 

 

Jade

 

Thank you for your reply, Jade.

 

I know I can't make him go. I've learned this the hard way.

 

He did agree to go, but not without a fight, and not without becoming and staying very angry with me. His view is that couseling will only make things worse, that we will end up rehashing over old issues, and become even more angry than we are now.

 

I disagree. I don't think there is a reason to be so angry about all of this. After everything that has happened, I am not angry with him, I am hurt and frustrated however.

 

I feel like even if he does go, his attitude towards it is going to make things less likely to really help. But it is a step in the right direction I hope.

 

I am not 100% confident he will actually go. If he does not, then I think that I am fighting a losing battle here. I know I can't change him, he can only do that. But I can't live my life this way forever.

 

I don't want to throw in the towel, before I feel like I have exhausted all the possibilities. I want us to stay together, I want us to raise our son together. I just don't know when that point is. Sometimes I think maybe I have long passed it.

[JadeStar]

don't want to throw in the towel, before I feel like I have exhausted all the possibilities

 

 

This is good. I feel people should give it their all, and try everything they can before ending things, Ending things should be the last straw. I think people throw in the towel to quick these days. I hope he goes to, but remember if he goes he will go becasue he wants to go. If he goes just becasue you asked him to, but yet he doesn't want to, then chances are things will get worse. I know of spouses who go to counseling simply to shut their spouse up, not becasue they wanted to go themselves and they ended up holding resentment for it. He is not wanting to give counseling a try becasue he doesn't want them to know his business, or deal with the fact he has done some damage to the marriage. However, it takes two to make or break a marraige and one can not do it alone.

 

 

 

Jade

[Lennox]

Good for you for standing up for yourself and for your relationship. Yes, his sexual addiction (and the porn use is a symptom of it, along with the stripper incident) is what is killing your intimate relationship. You can expect him to use the old "Im angry with you, you took my toy away" tactic, but it's just an immature tool for manipulation. He's using "anger" to deflect your attention and bully you into backing down. He's hoping that his anger will intimidate you into changing your position.

 

Unfortunately, with someone that has this much of a serious and deep addiction, there is virtually no chance that he will overcome it. He needs to realize there's a problem first, which he is afraid or unwilling to do. There are some people that just won't do what it takes to manage their addictions.

 

All you can really do is try your best to get him to see the light. Document things now everytime you catch him in a lie, and make him acknowledge it in writing. This is because I guarantee you that a month, maybe not even that long, down the road, he's going to deny he lied to you. At least you will have paperwork to show him to his face that his problem has become unmanagable. Addicts are usually so adept at lying that they even believe their own lies. At some point, you'll either get somewhere and he will seek recovery, or you will have to be forced to dump him because he's incapable of living an honest life with you which you will consider the marriage invalid because it was all based on one lie on top of another. All in all, take care of YOU first. You didn't ask for any of this, it's not your fault, it's his character defect.

 

If you get to that point, make sure you get as much child support as you possibly can for your son, because I guarantee you, if he doesn't spend that money on your child, he's going to spend it on strippers. Better it go to your kid.

[sanchito]

I don't understand why men are so addicted to porn. My husband is, and several men I know. When they are asked why, it's always the same thing "they are bored". But if you were addicted to porn, it would have to go! It's accepted for men to act like dogs and lust after women. I am still trying to figure this out. I recently just started throwing them out. Every time I find one of those disgusting videos it goes right in the trash. I find it disrespectful. I'm not suggesting that, it is wrong and I feel terrible when I do it. But I can definitely understand your frustration with it. I hope things work out for you.

[Citizen Erased]

I don't understand why men are so addicted to porn. My husband is, and several men I know. When they are asked why, it's always the same thing "they are bored". But if you were addicted to porn, it would have to go! It's accepted for men to act like dogs and lust after women. I am still trying to figure this out. I recently just started throwing them out. Every time I find one of those disgusting videos it goes right in the trash. I find it disrespectful. I'm not suggesting that, it is wrong and I feel terrible when I do it. But I can definitely understand your frustration with it. I hope things work out for you.

 

Not all men have an addiction to porn, it really does differ from the person. From the sounds of it, the OP's husband has an addiction. He is doing it so much that it is affecting their sex life and gets angry and sneaky when he is asked to leave it alone. That is when there is a problem.

 

Please refrain from saying the generalisation that "men watch porn so they are dogs" etc etc. My boyfriend watches porn and I do not like to think of him as a dog. Then again I don't really have a problem with it.

 

I do sympathise with you however, as I have seen many people who have had a broken relationship because of the issue and I think it is indeed a silly thing to break up a relationship over. Porn should only be used when in a relationship if both parties are fine with it. If one has an issue with it then it is disrespectful to continue to indulge. I myself do not watch it as it seems crude to me and takes the fun and excitement out of sex. That is me personally, not my boyfriend. But if he started to constantly watch it, snuck around, stopped having sex with me etc then I would definetely have a problem with it.

 

OP: I commend you for sticking up for yourself in dealing with this matter. Counselling should work, but if he does not agree to deal with this manner in an adult fashion then can you really see yourself saddled with a pouting middle aged boring man jerking off in front of the computer rather then spend his life with you like he should? Him going to strip clubs and flirting with other women is just not aceptable for someone who is married. He really needs an attitude change.

[Guest]

6Well, we went to the counseling session. It was mostly just getting some history of the problems we're having.

 

When we got out, he was very upset. By the time we got home, he seemed okay. He gave me a kiss, and we agreed for now we'll put past conflict resolution, and simply focus on rebuilding our relationship (spending more alone time together, going on dates, having fun basically.)

 

But shortly after, he became moody and he didn't really look or speak to me for the rest of the evening. When we lied down for bed, I asked him if he was upset. He told me to "leave him alone" and to "give him space."

 

I told him I couldn't understand why he was upset. He replied "I don't know how I feel anymore" and a couple of other comments which lead me to believe he is considering leaving.

 

He grabbed a pillow and went to sleep on the couch. I got up, went into the garage to smoke, and began sobbing. I heard his car start up, and he drove off. He didn't come home until early this morning and I woke up to him getting ready for work. He saw that I was awake, but said nothing.

 

I got out of bed, and told him as he was out the door to not come home. That if he needs to come home to pick things up, he would need to contact my mother or father to arrange it, so that I could be out of the house. I told him he would need to do the same if he wanted to see our son. I told him I do not want to see him anymore, and that he needs to make arrangements for a new place to stay.

 

He of course, said nothing and walked out the door while I was mid sentence.

 

I don't understand why he is so upset. In the counseling session, things didn't really get heated at all, and nothing that hasn't been said recently was said. Yet, he is incredibly pissed off. I even told him before the session that I really didn't want him to go if he was going to resent me for it, and that it was up to him to go, that there were no ultimatums, and that I wasn't going to try and force him. All I ever did is ask if he would, because I thought it could be good for our relationship.

[Guest]

[i just wanted to say I sympathize with you! I know exactly what you are feeling! Sounds like you are married to my ex husband! He was the exact same way with the porn! It was not the fact that I had a problem with porn, it was the fact that he would rather be with his porn than with his own wife! For example we had sex one night and I woke up and hour later and he was in the bathroom with his porn!!!! Makes you feel really horrible!!!!

 

SO, I completely understand where you are coming from! Good luck with the counseling thing,, I really hope he will go with you! I do believe you should try everything you can before end it!! Good luck and I wish I could give some better advice, but the only advice I have is to always remember you are who you are and no one defines you except you! And it okay for you to feel the way you feel about the porn! I hope it all works out for you!!!!