Why will I never be enough

[delrey]

Some of you may remember me. I am the girl who's boyfriend can not stop going on porn. Well he broke up with me because he said that he didn't want to hurt me with his problem of going on anymore. I sent him to the website that Tony suggested and he read all the stories of marriages falling apart because of porn, and he decided he didn't want to put me through it. What's wrong with me? The two of us were so good together and now I am stuck here knowing that I was never worth giving up stupid videos for. I feel like my life is over now that I don't have him. What can I do now. I want him back but I don't want him going on porn. This is so hard for me because he was my first real boyfriend and the only man I ever gave myself to and I really thought we would be together forever. Why wasn't I good enough???

[kirsty]

darl,

 

i know that this must feel like the end of the world to you at the moment but this feeling isn't going to last forever. a number of months ago i lost my first boyfriend with whom i was madly in love with. there are many more guys out there . never think that you are not good enough for this guy because it sounds you have done nothing wrong. u loved him with all of your heart and he has shown that his addiction to porn would be a burden on your relationship . he obviously broke up with you because he loves you to much to hurt u. what he had seems like a serious addiction and ending the relationship may help him to sort out his problems

 

there is definitely NOTHING wrong with you and you should not feel guilty about this

 

you can talk to me at any time if u need any more advice

 

stay happy , love kirsty

[Tony T]

This is not a question of you not being good enough. Not that at all. He could be obsessed with alcohol, drugs, overspending, and all other kinds of addictions and obsessions that would cause him to neglect you or want to leave you and none of those would indicate that you aren't good enough.

 

Yes, this is painful now. But he has chosen to leave you rather than deal effectively with his addiction. If you will scroll down, you will see what I advised him. I gave him many resources to help him deal with his problem and told him he could either let you go or keep you to be supportive through his recovery.

 

Yes, if what you say is true then he has chosen to keep his addiction and not deal with it at this time. If that's the case, you are so much better off. You don't see that now because you are hurting but go to those same sites that he went to and you will see the terrible impact that porn addiction can have on a relationship. Obviously you are more tolerant than most women would be right now about something like this but after a while, this would wear very thin on you.

 

You are certainly going to feel loss and it may take some time for you to get through this. Keep yourself busy and get support from family and friends.

 

In the not too distant future, you will look back and wonder why you spent so much time with a guy who preferred to look at nasty pictures than to have and nurture a relationship with you. Just on the face of it, in my opinion that's grounds never to see somebody again as long as I live.

 

You will be fine. I think what happened is for the best and in your long term best interests. That doesn't diminish the hurt but if anybody who seeks true love has to experience hurt a time or two...or more.

[witchbreed]

The question is not you being good enough or him being good enough. Porn can be an addiction, on the other hand, if someone does like porn and wants to see it once in a while, without neglecting his partner - I for one see nothing wrong in that. Would be another thing, if he went cheating or seeing prostitutes.

 

Sometimes porn is a way out for someone who has a stronger sexual drive then his or her partner. A way not to burden the partner with wanting them too much, more then the partner can deal with.

 

On the other hand, a relationsship is only going to work, if you can take your partner as he is, with all his strengths and weaknesses - if you feel, there is things he has to change, you take the chance, that he doesnt want to or is not able too and then you will loose that relationsship.

 

Sometimes I do think Americans overrate porn, you seem kind of prudish to me in that respect (I am European). To me it would not be viewing porn itself which would put me off, but certain kind like violent porn, porn with kids, porn with animals - I could not deal with that. The father of my kids used to like some porn, not going overboard though, and that was never a problem in our relationsship since it was all straight, "normal" porn. Better him living out some fantasies like threesomes on screen, then asking this of me anyway. We broke up for other reasons.

 

You have to know for yourself, what you can and what you cannot deal with.

 

All the best.