"Beautiful Failure" (Part ONE)

[Teacher's Pet]

4am.

 

I can't sleep.

 

I want to sleep.

 

It's been 55 days since she left me. 49 days NC.

 

I'm trying to heal. Really, I am.

 

I want this nightmare to be over.

 

What have I accomplished in the last 55 days?

 

2 dates which totally disinterested me.

 

Stood up *twice* by the same girl.

 

One date I actually *liked*, but she rejected me.

 

One "semi-successful" date with an old friend, but she doesn't want a relationship, or at least not with me.

 

Quit going to therapy a week after my breakup, for no apparent reason, and still just don't feel like going back.

 

Watched my cat, my best friend, my "baby", deteriorate before my eyes, and am just praying the treatments she's on now will make her healthy again.

 

Watched a 5 year friendship get strained almost to the point where I had to walk away because of my ex and her "new found" friendship with her.

 

I thought by this point I'd be doing a lot better than I am.

 

When my ex of 5 1/2 years left me in 2000, I got over her a lot faster than I am getting over this one of only 6 months.

 

This one *was* the one. Maybe not at the end, but at one point, she *was* the one. I can't even put my finger on what it was, but something felt right about being with her.

 

Was it because she was arguably the best looking woman I've ever dated?

 

Was it the sex?

 

Was it because she challenged me on many levels?

 

I really don't know, but she gave me a feeling which I craved while we were together, and a craving which I have 55 days after losing her.

 

Except for those few dates, I've hardly left the house in 55 days, except to go to work.

 

I'm working 3 jobs now, just to distract myself from thinking about her, but it doesn't matter. Some things you just can't let go by punching a clock.

 

At my "day job", she used to send me "dirty text messages" and emails to get me through my day. She would text me just to say hi, tell me she misses me, or tell me how badly she wanted to f*** me when she sees me after work.

 

And she always came through on that promise.

 

"Working till 7? Well, you better be naked and ready to play by 7:30 then. Drive fast."

 

It wasn't all about sex, though. For the most part, she DID truly love me. I remember her asking me over for dinner on a Sunday night when I knew she had tutoring to do (she's a high school teacher, hence my screen name here, by the way) and when I replied that I didn't want to interfere with her work, her reply would be "I can reschedule them. I just want to see you." made my heart melt. I've never been the "reason" for someone to postpone or call out from work before. As a workaholic, I'd never take time off from work "just to have dinner".

 

We just had so much "closeness". We saw each other usually 6 nights a week, of which 4-5 of them, I'd sleep over her place. I would usually pack an extra set of clothes for work and the gym every morning, knowing the odds were I wouldn't be home until late the next day.

 

We cooked together, we shopped together, we shot pool, went to hockey games, clubs, shows, you name it. What started as a "summer friendship" (we met online last August and spent the summer and fall just meeting for coffee, drinks, etc.) became a "hot winter" (we "gave in" in December), followed by the most romantic New Years Eve you could possibly imagine (I still cry thinking about how perfect it was..).... I will never forget that night.......In fact, in our 6+ months together, we had 3 "perfect nights".....

 

*flashback, 12/31/05*

 

I was kind of nervous that day. Even though I had already met her parents, she still hadn't met my mother. I had no reason to be nervous. I was falling in love with a wonderful, gorgeous woman, and my mother knew how happy I was. I remember my ex (I'm just going to call her "B" from now on, since I don't like thinking of her as an "ex" still... I know, I know.. I'M TRYING).....being nervous about meeting my mother, so she wore her nicest outfit (B was not a "dressy" type, so she simply wore a nice sweater and dress pants), and she even brought my mother a gift of a small teddy bear and a box of chocolate... It doesn't take much to impress my mother, and she certainly did.

 

We had lunch at a local chinese restaurant, and then for some reason, we ended up at Target, shopping for a few minutes.

 

After shopping we took my mother home, and then we went back to B's place. B's friends were originally planning on going out for New Years Eve, but for some reason (and to our benefit), the plans got cancelled, so B and I stayed in.

 

We spent the early part of the evening just talking about love, life, family, things like that..... since we knew we were staying in, we took a quick trip to the liquor store to buy champagne, figuring that if we couldn't be at a real NYE party, we'd at least do things the right way at home.

 

We lay in her bed, watching the usual pre-midnight events on TV, even commenting on how awful Dick Clark was looking at his age, and then we started talking about our 2006 Resolutions. We both joked about having most of the "usual" resolutions, get in shape, do better at work, etc......and then we opened the champagne...

 

Innocently at first, we toasted our blossoming friendship, and our new-found love. The champagne wasn't particularly good, but since it's fun to drink champagne, we found other things to toast....

 

....our friends, and bringing them all closer together in the New Year....

....our families, and the hopes we all come together one day....

....our jobs, and the hopes that we are both successful in our fields....

....our country, and our soldiers at war, wishing them a safe return....

 

I don't really remember the others, but we found about 10 things to toast....by the last toast, tears were welling up in her (ok, OUR) eyes... It was a little after 11pm at this point, so we gave each other the "So now what do you want to do?" look.....

 

We did what came naturally.

 

About 12:15am, I remember her rolling over and noticing the time. She kissed me softly. "Happy New Year, baby."

 

Again, we did what came naturally. 3 or 4 times, if I recall.

 

Sadly, our "perfect evening" was hampered by the fact that I promised my part-time job I'd open in the morning, so I had to be there by 9am.

 

I work part-time in a restaurant, so you might say that day I offered "service with a smile".

 

 

*end flashback*

 

*flashback, 01/??/06*

 

B's parents live in PA, so she doesn't get to seem them too often. B would take a weekend here and there to visit them, but one day, they decided to come up to NJ to visit her. We went to dinner at a nice italian restaurant, then came back to B's apartment and sat around talking, and watching movies. I remember we were all watching "History Of The World Part 1", which turns out to be an all-time favorite for the 4 of us. We actually quoted the movie almost line for line between all of us. It was a LOT of fun.

 

B's parents were staying in a local hotel, so we wished them a good evening and we, also retired for the night....

 

That night we lay in bed, just talking about how great her parents were... I remember commenting that it was so obvious how much her parents loved each other, and her, and that true love like that is so hard to find, even in some families. B then put on some music. We both had odd musical tastes, ranging from hardcore metal to classic r&b.

 

This was definately an R&B night. She had just picked up Lionel Ritchie's Greatest Hits on CD, so she thought it might set a good mood for us......

 

And it did. When "Hello" came on, we both chuckled, remembering the scene from an old Seinfeld episode when Jerry was dating the girl who's stomach rumbled so much that it sounded like it was saying "Helllooooo!" We always laughed at TV references like that.

 

When the song ended, B hit the back button on her player, and we let it play again. This time, we used the song for it's intended purpose.....

 

It's amazing how much love 2 people can share in the course of a 4 minute song.....the music seemed to be non-existant after a few minutes, and all we heard was each other.....

 

*end flashback*

 

*flashback, 3/30(?)/06*

 

B and I had our problems. (I'm using this post to recall just the best moments of our relationship, because I'm trying not so much to remember how much I MISS these times, but to remember that I'm capable of finding them with someone, and that I can have it again, in time.....I will eventually post about the flip side of our relationship, but for tonight, I just need the chance to reflect and smile, even if a little.)....

 

No relationship is perfect, no matter what anyone tells you. It's cherishing the good times, and working through the bad that lets you know that a relationship is GOOD, or even GREAT, but "perfection" is non-existant.

 

It was a Thursday morning, and I woke up, in B's arms at about 5am. As a high school teacher, she had to be out the door by 7am. As a sales rep who deals with clients on the west coast, I had to be at work at 11am. My job was convenient in this regard, because I'd use the extra couple of hours I had every morning to go to the gym. The only problem was that the gym I belong to is quite distant from B's place, and of course, living just outside NYC, the traffic builds up in the area VERY quickly. Today, I decided to not go to the gym. B had given me quite the workout the night before. *chuckles*

 

Things were going really well in our relationship at this point. Work was going well for me, her job was going well. Her roommate (a very, very long story in itself) was planning on moving out within the next couple of weeks, something which was a great relief to B (and to me, since her roommate (female), never quite liked me anyway), so it seemed like everything was starting to really come together for us.

 

B knew I wasn't going to go to the gym, so instead we lay in bed just talking. By 5:30am, we were making love again. Something felt different though. We weren't a "boyfriend and girlfriend having sex", we were "a couple sharing intimacy". There's a big difference, and it was pretty obvious she felt it, too. We looked at each other, and we both had the same look on our faces, maybe it took over 3 months of being "romantic", plus 4 months of being "close friends", but we felt the same thing at the same time. THIS WAS THE FEELING WE BOTH LACKED IN OUR LIVES. I knew it, she knew it, WE knew it. And we acknowledged it.

 

I asked her now that we feel this way, what do we do? She asked me if I had any ideas. So, I did it.

 

(paraphrased) "This is too perfect to let go of. I never thought I'd ever be in this situation, but right here, right now, I KNOW I never want to live a day without you."

 

"What are you trying to tell me?"

 

"B, will you marry me?"

 

"Are you serious?"

 

"Would you say yes if I am?"

 

"Yes."

 

"Then I'm asking. WILL YOU MARRY ME?"

 

"Yes."

 

We both cried.

 

I remember then realizing something.

 

"Umm, I don't have a ring to give you."

 

"Don't worry about it. Yes, I want a ring, but please don't make a huge production of it. I'd be happy with a cheap ring from Walmart as long as I knew it was from you...."

 

We cried again.

 

We then started fantasizing about our wedding, and how awkward it might be (there is a lot of in-fighting in her family, which would make sending invitations to certain relatives of hers a little tricky), and she even opened up to me more about her family.

 

Coming from a very small family, I never had to worry about such drama as she has in her's, and I felt bad, but we also know that a marriage, and a wedding is a new opportunity for families to come together, and even fix the past, something we promised we'd do for her family.

 

We left at the same time (about 7am). Since I had 4 hours until I had to be at work, I went to a jewelry store in my area, and started pricing rings. I found the *perfect* ring for her, but something....just something, kept me from putting the deposit on it.....

 

*end flashback*

 

There was a 4th "perfect night" for us, but it involved Mardi Gras, some plastic beads, and her assaulting me on the couch while I was watching "Deal Or No Deal". You can just use your imagination for that one.

 

It's 6:35am. I started writing this post at 4am. I admit, I was watching TV while writing this post, otherwise I would have finished a lot sooner, but I suppose I was just reflecting a lot of the time.

 

I guess I wrote this just to remind myself of the kind of love I'm capable of having, which is a GOOD thing, but it's also tearing me up inside to know I lost it, as well. And not the first time, but as I've said, this breakup hurt more than even the one I had with someone I dated over 5 YEARS.

 

I know I'm capable of finding and sharing this kind of love, but now I'm so scared of it.

 

I'm scared of losing it again.

 

I've truly lost almost everything that ever meaned something to me in my life, and this is the one thing that may very well push me over the edge.

 

I can't stop crying. I wanted to wake up around now to go to the gym, but I haven't even been to bed yet.

 

I'm almost tempted to write part 2 of this post right now, all the bad events in our relationship.......

 

I know that dwelling on the bad parts are beneficial, because they will help me remember how letting go of her is the BEST thing I can do, and recalling the bad times should make it so much easier.....

 

But for now, I want to TRY to remain positive, at least to remind myself that I am a GOOD, LOVING man, and I know that I'll find this kind of love again in due time.....

 

.....even though I wanted it to be her, so badly.

 

Maybe Part II of my story will help me remember that moving on from her is the best thing I can do, as hard as it is.....

 

I'll write that post one day soon, and let you all judge for yourselves.

 

If you've actually made it this far through this self-serving, whiny post, I appreciate it. I love to write (as you can probably tell), I just wish I had better things to write about than my "beautiful failure".

 

6:43am.

 

Goodnight.

 

-tp

[loveinlife]

i understand how you feel Teacher's Pet. I know how it is when so many memories are still there and how it haunts you. I am sorry for what happened as somehow I was parallel to a situation most like yours. Its these memories that teach us the most about what we miss. I somehow theorize that people with good memories, actually who cherish the things we do, are the ones that get hurt the most. For me I've been trying my best to do things to forget my ex, like hanging out with friends and meeting new people. Things happen in life for a reason, a discussion that both me and my friend just talked about. We were both suppose to die some point in our lifetimes, but we were given our second chances.

 

We'll get through this one day and when we feel we are ready to move on, I bet we'll be so happy and confident about relationships. From what I see, I've always been a giver, but the next one I know for sure, I'll be the reciever bc I just deserve it. Maybe it's selfish but that is what I want to experience in my life right now. Good luck to you Teacher's pet. Meanwhile, try not to stress over a person who is not there for you anymore. They might miss you, as I have been in contact with my ex for about a year. I know my ex and I both have made mistakes. But its over, maybe she'll come back to me one day, maybe not. At this moment I just want to enjoy life an do what is right for me. Best wishes for you buddie.

[Winfield]

Why count the days since you broke up? What good does it do (apart from make you more depressed)?

 

Beating yourself up over the dates that didn't work out and the "what might have beens" with your ex doesn't do you any favours either.

 

Memories are memories - we all have good and bad times during our lives. I bet everyone's ex did something / said something which they loved when they were together...but it doesn't mean that everything will be happy ever after!

 

Some things in life just aren't meant to be!

 

I hope your cat gets better - I guess she will need you a lot right now, so focus on her as your priority, instead of focusing on the good and bad times you had with your ex.

 

Time for you to let go of the past and look to the future. The sooner you let go, the better. You're not your ex's "pet" any more, so getting that screen-name changed would be a start!

[Adunaphel]

I'm sorry you are feeling so bad.

Is it any good to you to re-live all the beautiful memories?

I wonder if you would heal faster if you found a way not to think about those moments.

 

It's great that at least you are dating - hey, the dates might have not been that good, but at least you ARE doing something.

 

Keep looking. There are many "the one"s around. All you need is not to shut yourself out from the dating world, be open to the possibility of meeting one of those gals you could fall in love with (things you seem to be doing)....and a bit of luck.

 

I hope your cat gets back to full health.

Sorry to read about the friendship.I hope it can be fixed. If the bond was strong and true, it will.

[Ariadne]

Hey teacher,

 

I even read your humongous post.

 

It seems like you guys had a really nice, fun, relationship.

 

(And why is it I believe more the girls, when I read this type of stuff).

 

And it sounds like you were very much in love with "B."

 

Why did it all go wrong? Was it too fast?

 

Ariadne

[Teacher's Pet]

What we had was a VERY fun relationship, but mixed in were a LOT of problems, too, which I've never truly understood.

 

I guess eventually I'll post Part 2 of my story and explain them...

 

I already know the responses I'm going to get from it!

 

"OMG you should have walked away" will be the most common, I know.

 

Part of the problem was the fact that things moved too fast, but it was much more than that....

 

Hopefully my second post on this will show the entire picture....

 

-tp

[AriaIncognito]

While that post was filled with great times, TP, you know that it wasn't perfect. If it were, she wouldn't have left you like 4-5 times over that 6 month period...and I know you're aware of that.

 

It's common to think back to all the good times, and wish you had those again, and be scared of never finding them again with someone else, but it will also keep you from moving forward if you can't disassociate the possibility of good times having to be coming from her. Trust me on this one, I understand. I'm afraid of the same thing. But I'mtrying to put things into perspective where that's concerned, and you need to do the same thing, else drive yourself insane.

 

As they say, everything happens for a reason. People come in and out of our lives to serve a purpose. If your ex's purpose is done, well then, it's done. If it's not, well then she'll be back, but in the meantime you aren't supposed to sit around dwelling on her because that won't bring her back. Maybe I'm a sap to believe the whole "if it's meant to be, it will be" thing, but from what i've witnessed around me in others, it really seems to be true.

 

I hope your cat is doing better

 

I looked for you online all day yesterday but you weren't on...since I had to go on friday night since it was late...

 

Jennifer

[Teacher's Pet]

Trust me, Jennifer, I know it. lol

 

I guess deep down I feel that the "good times with her" weren't finished, even when the relationship was, but I'm learning........

 

I know she's not the only woman in the whole world capable of making me happy.

 

In fact, I have another of my infamous dates this afternoon, hopefully better than the last few!

 

This one I'm seeing today..lol.... she is soooo making my act, whether we "click" or not. (For those of you who don't know, I do standup comedy)

 

I'll get through this, it's just taking longer than I thought it would...........

 

-tp

[Ariadne]

Hey,

 

"OMG you should have walked away" will be the most common, I know.

 

That seems to be a pretty common answer around there, true.

 

Ariadne

[Mollyanna]

Good Luck with your act and your date today TP.

 

I read through your post and it reminds me that I also tend to only remember the good things at the beginning of a breakup. Once I stop re-living those memories and stop reading every text message and email ever sent between us, THEN i start feeling better. It has also helped me in the past to make a list of things I need in a relationship that he wasn't providing. I hope your next post does talk about the bad side of the relationship so you can get it out and then let it go.

 

Please stop counting days - that has to make it even more depressing. When you went to buy the ring, you said something stopped you. See - your self-preservation instinct kicked in. I hope that instinct is still functioning...

 

Take care of yourself. Hey, at least you are getting dates. Good for you.

[burning 4 revenge]

TP, you should never cry in front of a woman, that's one lesson you should learn from this.

 

I've cried numerous times over Gigi, but never once in front of that sl*t. Many women take it as weakness. Case in point, she called my sister making fun of her boyfriend for crying about being denied visitation to his children ,a consequence of her prying him away from his family.

 

Never, ever, ever cry in front of a woman! I just say that, because you seem like a good guy not to berate you.

 

Mark

[Ariadne]

Hey,

 

Never, ever, ever cry in front of a woman!

 

Hmm, if I were a teacher I wouldn't like a teacher's pet guy very much.

 

Ariadne

[burning 4 revenge]

Hey,

 

Never, ever, ever cry in front of a woman!

 

Hmm, if I were a teacher I wouldn't like a teacher's pet guy very much.

 

Ariadne

 

I'm not sure what she's saying, but I think she's agreeing with me

[Ariadne]

I meant,

 

I'd prefer a guy that cries in front of me, well, it depends on the circumstances but is ok I guess.

 

But then, a teacher's pet, I'm not sure how I can work around that one.

 

Ariadne

[Brittjean06]

I love stand up comedy, thats awsome TP, I didn't know that. If your anything nearly as funny as the ones on comedy central than hands up to ya . I'm sorry your not getting over your break up I think you know you can find a great gal out there just the moments of finding this person are hard. Maybe you should stop trying to date around and work on your self a bit, turn this in too a comedy stand.

[AriaIncognito]

I'm a woman, and I definitely don't see it as a sign of weakness nor a turn off if a man cries in front of me. If a man cries, it proves to me that he has feelings. That he's like me. I'd rather feel that connection with him, then have him try to be "manly" and supress it.

 

Jennifer

[Mollyanna]

and if I am bawling my eyes out, he better at least blink back a tear or something and show me he cares! i have no problem with a man crying - unless it more than I cry!

[Teacher's Pet]

Thanks guys...

 

And Britt... I'm better than those Comedy Central hacks.

 

 

So..how did my date go?

 

Actually went pretty well, until her "problem" kicked in.

 

I did say before this chick is getting in my act somehow...

 

Well.... she's sweet, attractive, funny, intelligent, and has irritable bowel syndrome.

 

The date had to be cut a little umm... short.

 

We were lying in her bed (dressed, don't get excited, people) watching a movie, and then she had to run to the can....

 

She spent most of the next hour and a half in there.

 

You can't make this stuff up. Welcome to my love life!

 

Britt: I think we found "stinky poopoo girl".

 

At least I met someone I can fart around and she can't say anything about it! haha

 

-tp

[AriaIncognito]

Oh good lord lol

[Teacher's Pet]

I don't make this stuff up, either!

 

This is my fate! Going from a woman who sh*t on me..

 

...to a woman who might? haha

 

-tp

[burning 4 revenge]

I don't make this stuff up, either!

 

This is my fate! Going from a woman who sh*t on me..

 

...to a woman who might? haha

 

-tp

:lmao: At least you have a sense of humor about everything.

 

Please tell me you did'nt hear noises coming from the bathrooom. How awful for her.

[Touche]

:lmao: At least you have a sense of humor about everything.

 

Please tell me you did'nt hear noises coming from the bathrooom. How awful for her.

 

How awful for HER? How awful for HIM!

[the_alchemyst]

I don't make this stuff up, either!

 

This is my fate! Going from a woman who sh*t on me..

 

...to a woman who might? haha

 

-tp

 

You are cute. I love your humor.

 

Would you like to go out on a date with me?

[Teacher's Pet]

How awful for HER? How awful for HIM!

 

 

Tell me about it!

 

I mean, I'm kinda freaky...but..um....... not THAT freaky!

 

-tp

[Teacher's Pet]

You are cute. I love your humor.

 

Would you like to go out on a date with me?

 

Next time you are in New Jersey, you got yourself a date.

 

 

-tp