Kids' view of religious history

[superconductor]

These test answers come from a Catholic elementary school. Uncut, unfiltered, uncorrected, they may give you a smile:

 

In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

 

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

 

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

 

The Jews were a proud people! and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

 

Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

 

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

 

Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

 

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.

 

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

 

The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

 

Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

 

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

 

David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. he fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

 

Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

 

When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

 

When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

 

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

 

St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

 

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, a man doth not live by sweat alone.

 

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

 

The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels

 

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

 

One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

 

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

 

Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

[HokeyReligions]

Those are cute. In the same vein - here are some funny church bulletins: (I think some of these are made up, but who knows? Truth is stranger than fiction!)

 

1. Don't let worry kill you - let the church help.

 

2. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

 

3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

 

4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

 

5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

 

6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

 

7. Tuesday at 4:00 pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

 

8. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed accompanied by the pastor."

 

9. Thursday at 5:00 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.

 

10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

 

11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

 

12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.

 

13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

 

14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

 

15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

 

16. The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

 

17. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

 

18. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

 

19. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door.

 

20. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

 

21. A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

 

22. The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7p.m. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

 

23. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

 

24. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

 

25. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.

 

26. The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

 

27. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

 

28. Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."

 

29. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

 

30. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

 

31. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

 

32. Evening massage - 6 p.m.

 

33. The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

 

34. Ushers will eat latecomers.

 

35. The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

 

36. The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

 

37. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

 

38. Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

 

39. Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

 

40. Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"

 

41. The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

 

42. The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

 

43. 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

 

44. Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.

 

45. Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?"

Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett

Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding"

 

46. (During the minister's illness) GOD IS GOOD.

Dr. Hargreaves is better.

 

47. The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

 

48. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

 

50. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

 

51. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

 

52. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

 

53. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

 

54. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

 

55. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

 

56. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

 

57. The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals.

 

58. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."

The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

 

59. Youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

 

60. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

 

61. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

 

62. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

 

63. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

 

64. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir

[Adunaphel]

superconductor, Hokey, thank you for sharing.

They cracked me up

[blind_otter]

Hahaha. Ah Catholic school. memories.