spouses who reject friends

[Guest]

I'm trying to decide what to do about a growing secondary relationship. When my W and I married over 30 years ago we decided to exclude monogamy from our vows, but have not cultivated any serious outside friendships because we’re shy and have been too busy with jobs and raising kids etc. throughout our marriage to want to take the time do that. Over the past six months I've gotten to know very well a single woman who is a respected administrator in a company that my company does business for (but she doesn't control this contract).

 

She is a self-honest and open person, perhaps the most compatible and interesting person (other than my W) whom I've ever met, and she enjoys her brief after-work times with me. But this time, although I've kept my W informed throughout and our marriage seems to be going well, my W is objecting and is wanting to veto my continuing this friendship even if it remains platonic. Because my friend lives very far away, I've been able to visit her for only a couple of days each month during a monthly business trip to her region. This will continue to be the case for another 6 months at which time my company will no longer be sending me there. Thus, for practical reasons our in-person friendship is likely to be time-limited, and has taken (and will continue to take) only a couple of days per month away from my time with my W. My friend and I email almost daily, at times that do not compete with time I regularly spend with my W.

 

I've done everything I can think of to reassure my W and explain why there is no threat to our marriage. But she feels very threatened, mainly because my friend is "only" 27 years old (and we're 50ish). For her this fires up all the embarrassing and societally-programmed stigmas about old-guy / young-woman relationships, as well as feelings of the futility of competing in the physical attractiveness category – which to me is not an issue because physical attraction hasn't been a major motivation for me in this platonic relationship, and the intimacy between my W and I has been mutually fine. Besides, my friend (a) has a steady boyfriend her age who's OK with our friendship, and (b) has stated frequently that she definitely doesn't want our friendship to threaten the continuation of my marriage, and © will continue to feel scared about being seen in public with me, after business hours, because of the invitable gossip and judgments from parents, friends, and her employer.

 

So what shall I do? I love my W and want to continue our otherwise happy marriage, but also continue my relationship with this very special friend. Given the unusual particulars of this situation (that would seem to create a low threat level), do my W's objections seem unreasonable? Does that matter? They feel suffocating. I wish we could just give this more time to work out, but my opportunities to see my new friend will end before my W can feel better about this, if she ever does. If ending this new friendship is my only recourse, I need to find and "own" a personal reason for ending it. Otherwise, I sense I'm going to resent the veto for a long time, especially considering how long it's taken to encounter such a rare friend and to cultivate the friendship. But so far I haven't come up with a good reason that feels like my own. Any ideas? Also, what criteria have other couples used when deciding whether to issue the veto, and how do they cope with the strained feelings that potentially follow?

 

SoloSoul

[CaterpillarGirl]

I personally don't like the word "veto" because to me this implies that one partner has some sort of power they exert over the other. Having said this, however, it is clear that your wife is very uncomfortable with this relationship. Her objections may be unreasonable, but her emotions will probably remain no matter what you say. These will need to be resolved in a way in which you show respect for them.

 

On the other hand, you also have a right to friendship outside the marriage. Have you asked your wife if there is a manner in which you may continue this friendship so that she does not feel threatened? i.e. taking the wife along when meeting with this woman, letting her view your letters/communication, etc. Friendships outside marriage have the possibilty to enrich both the individual and the couple. I can understand her hesitation, however, at allowing her husband to form an emotional bond with someone else. Look up all the post under "emotional affair" on this site and you may understand why.

 

Lastly, it sounds as if your friend is also struggling with the difficulty of maintaining this relationship. Is this likely to be a bigger issue in the future? Is she as interested in this friendship as you are?

[Annacabana]

Sometimes when we love someone we have to be willing to sacrifice what we want for the other person. You may have left the monogamy vow out of your vows, did you leave the till death do you part out also? Friends come and go but your wife is in it for a lifetime. The right thing to do is to not be friends with the woman anymore and cleave to your wife.

[TheSilentType]

I can understand your wife's concerns, and I don't see them as unreasonable. In 30 years you've only managed to make friends with a 27 y.o. woman? There are no men you could have become friends with?

 

In any case, if you feel you interaction with this woman is innocent, then include your wife in on this new friendship. Let her seem some of the correspondences you two have. If you have nothing to hide and there is nothing inappropriate, then you should feel comfortable letting your wife participate in this friendship and possibly also make a new friend with this girl.

 

At the same time, you should encourage your wife to go out and meet new friends. If she happens to meet a younger, handsome male as just a friend, just remember to not veto the friendship once they start e-mailing everyday. Otherwise, she could seriously resent you.

[Adunaphel]

I don't think your wife's requests are unreasonable, and I'd regard your friendship as inappropriate.

I am actually surprised that you don't find it inappropriate yourself.

 

 

(b) has stated frequently that she definitely doesn't want our friendship to threaten the continuation of my marriage,

 

Why and how did the subject came up?

Did you tell her that your wife was concerned about the friendship?

 

and © will continue to feel scared about being seen in public with me, after business hours, because of the invitable gossip and judgments from parents, friends, and her employer.

 

If gossip and judgement are inevitable even from her parents and friends, you can't really be surprised that your W feels threatened.

 

It doesn't sound like the friendship seems completely innocent even to your 27 years old friend.

Has she ever asked you to become friends with your wife as well?

It's what a real friend would do.

[Guest]

Thank you for your thoughtful reply!

Her objections may be unreasonable, but her emotions will probably remain no matter what you say. These will need to be resolved in a way in which you show respect for them.

 

Good point. Am trying hard to do that.

 

On the other hand, you also have a right to friendship outside the marriage. Have you asked your wife if there is a manner in which you may continue this friendship so that she does not feel threatened? i.e. taking the wife along when meeting with this woman, letting her view your letters/communication, etc.

 

I can't have her come along when meeting my friend because of the geographic distance (she can't take time away from job to travel). My friend is not comfortable with my sharing the emails verbatim with somebody (my W) who she doesn't know and hasn't had a chance to build trust with, because they contain some embarrassing details of her personal life (not related to her friendship with me).

 

Friendships outside marriage have the possibilty to enrich both the individual and the couple. I can understand her hesitation, however, at allowing her husband to form an emotional bond with someone else. Look up all the post under "emotional affair" on this site and you may understand why.

 

Yes, I can see that, too. But this situation seems a bit different than most, because my friend takes virtually no time or attention away from my relationship with my W., and the in-person part of the friendship will definitely be time-limited. And although she knows my W is struggling with this, we never discuss my marriage, because it would be irresponsible for me to complain about that to anyone other than my W.

 

Lastly, it sounds as if your friend is also struggling with the difficulty of maintaining this relationship. Is this likely to be a bigger issue in the future?

 

There won't be a future for long, because my business will stop sending me there in 6 months.

 

Is she as interested in this friendship as you are?

 

She seems to be, despite the practical limits that she understands well.

[Ladyjane14]

Whatever your reasons... you're hurting the person you've shared your life with for over 30 years and you're doing it deliberately. Your wife has said she's uncomfortable. That's all she should've been required to say.

 

A "friendship" doesn't measure up, not when it comes at the cost of hurting the one you love.

 

And for what it's worth... it sounds inappropriate from here. The litmus test is generally that if you wouldn't say or do something right in front of your spouse, you're doing it behind their back.