my weight is killing my marriage

[alibelle]

i have been with the most wonderful man for 11 years. we've always had a good sex life, but it was never the most important thing. over the last 4 years, i have put on about 70 pounds. i guess i just never considered it a big deal, because my husband never considered it a big deal. even now, he says there's nothing wrong with the way i look. but over the last year, our sex life has become almost nonexistent. i know he would never say he's not physically attracted to me, he's not like that. but when i try to initiate sex, he's too tired, doesn't feel well, etc. i can't seem to develop the motivation to work out, and i don't eat much. but when he turns me down time after time, i just want to eat and not stop until i feel better. counterproductive, i know. how can i motivate myself to work out and lose the weight so that maybe my husband will want me again?

[blind_otter]

You have to do this for yourself, not to make your husband want you -- that's just a positive side effect. Try with small steps at first.

 

Try to keep a fod journal. Write down how you feel and what time it is and what you ate. Try to be specific with quantities and portions, but if that's too much just write down what you eat and work on getting more specific. Also write down if you did any physical activity. Don't pigeon hole yourself into thinking "exercise", b ut try to incorporate more physical acitivty into your daily routine. Park further away from the store. Walk more.

 

When you clean house, really get into it. When I have to mop the floors I scrub on my hands and knees just so I can get some extra calorie burning in. I practice yoga because it soothes my mind and my body! Not just to burn calories.

 

As you look back over what you've been eating figure out the patterns. Do you eat when you feel unhappy? Think of an alternative activity to do. Try it for a week and see how much more energy you have, how much more confident you feel. As you become happier with yourself you'll exude that positive energy that draws people to you!

 

You can do it! I believe in you!

[Touche]

I completely agree with BO about doing it for yourself. You'll have a greater chance of success. Try to imagine what you'll look like with the weight off. Think about what clothes you'll buy to reward yourself with...things you might not wear now. Think about how you'll feel...confident, energetic, etc.

 

Focus on doing it for YOU first!

 

Good luck!

[brashgal]

There is a good article in the current Prevention magazine about being kind to yourself rather than being self-indulgent in regards to eating. It's by Geneen Roth and she has written some great things about the relationship of your emotions and overeating. I subscribe to the magazine primarily to read her column.

 

She has some books published too on related topics - she helps me, she may help you too.

[superconductor]

Tried and true method of losing weight:

• Eat less;
  
• Exercise more.
  

That's all there is to it.

[blind_otter]

Tried and true method of losing weight:

• Eat less;
  
• Exercise more.
  

That's all there is to it.

 

Well, yeah. But I am of the opinion that lots of people have difficulties with this because of how they cognitively frame those basic concepts. To someone who has an eating disorder, whether it be anorexia, bulemia, or your basic run of the mill emotional eaters -- "eating less" can be a difficult issue because they have all these other overwhelming emotions that they dealt with erroneously by eating food rather than facing their emotions and accepting them.

 

And I am convinced that our Obese America cannot comprehend the fact that it shouldn't even be considered "exercise" -- like it's some weird activity you do on its own and solely for the purpose of exercising. Physical activity can and should be incorporated into our DAILY LIFE. Otherwise the whole process can be viewed with drudgery and anxiety. Who wants to run on a treadmill like a hampster for an hour every day?

 

It's a lifestyle change, it's not about taking these separate elements and plugging them into your exisiting lifestyle.

[Lennox]

Those pounds are very sneaky the way they creep on ya aren't they? Well, you've gotten to the first step, and that's recognizing that you're using food as a medication. I'd suggest that you find an Overeater's Anonymous meeting in your area. You can find it at oa-dot-org, just write the web address correctly

 

Now as far as your diminished sex life, it probably has NOTHING to do with your weight. I say this because Im sure he would have at least made suggestions to you that you lose weight for this purpose. I know if my husband had gained 70 lbs, it would not decrease my physical attraction for him. That's because my physical attraction is based on my love for him, not his physical appearance. Is there something going on in his life that you perceive is replacing sex with you? Im not talking affair or anything like that, just something that time and energy is being used up on rather than sex with you?

[Outcast]

You will LOVE how your body feels without the extra weight. You will love how easily it is to move sensuously when you're not so heavy

 

Don't look at it as doing without or making yourself exercise. Look at it as finding new, healthy ways to live because you want to be healthy for a long time (just see folks in old folks homes and scare yourself). Look for tasty foods that are not full of fat and sugar - there's LOTS! And walk. Find nice places to walk. After you've walked for a week or two, you start noticing that you're stronger - and that feels awesome! After a while you WANT to walk because it feels so good! Or run if you prefer. Maybe dance - take a belly dancing class or another sort of class. Or swim. As you feel yourself getting stronger and more fit, the motivation to keep feeling that way will carry you through maintaining the new fitness levels

 

I found Dr. Shapiro's Picture Perfect Weight Loss books were pretty cool - there are photos of how many low-cal things you could eat instead of a high-cal thing. They're really impressive. For instance, instead of a half-cup of cashews, you would get the same calories from FOUR baked potatoes with salsa! The point being you can fill up on low-cal foods and not suffer the consequences

[amaysngrace]

I would suggest you see a doctor to rule out possible medical conditions that cause you to gain weight. If you don't eat very much, as you said, but have still gained 70 lbs. in 4 years, that may mean something's going wrong inside physically.

 

Please, see a doctor. Good luck!

[Guest]

I completley understand how you feel. I was 68 pounds heavier 1 1/2 years ago.

 

 

My husband who is the greatest, has always assured me that he loves me no matter what size I am as long as I am healthy, however I didn't see it that way and so it affected our sex life. I was too embarrassed to initiate sex with my husband because of my size and when he initiated sex I would for the most part deny him. Our sex life eventually was almost non-existent.

 

 

I can't really say what triggered me to do something about it, maybe the fact that I was not able to participate as freely as I would like to with my childrens daily activities, my big clothes were getting too tight on me (size 18),

mistaken for a much older person than what I really was, aches and pains that would not go away etc......

 

I woke up one day fed up with feeling sorry for myself and decided to to do something about it.

 

1. I threw out all the junk food in my home including all processed foods

2. bought some walking/running shoes

3. stocked up my fridge with fruits and veggies

4. breakfast was my biggest meal of the day

5. ate dinner no later than 6pm every night (very important)

6. drank at least 8 glasses of water each day

7. no carbonated drinks

8. green tea daily

9. multi-vitamins

10. cut down on my carbs and limited my sweet intake

 

****most importantly I began a walking program****

 

first three months I started out with 20-30min. of walking 4-5 times a week at a 18 min. per mile pace and then moving up to a 15 min. per mile walking pace.

 

As the pounds began to come off I began to run, very difficult at first, because of knee problems due to my weight, but got much easier as the months went by. The pounds really started to shed much faster as I built up endurance. I was losing 2-3 pounds per week, felt really alive again and had lots more energy. I even got brave enough to enter a few local races. such an accomplishment as you cross the finish line!

 

I am now a size 10, I still have a ways to go. I am able to run 4-5 miles 4-5 times a week now. I don't think you have to do as I did, but believe me half of what I did will definitley get you results. By the way my sex life is through the roof, most of the time I initiate.

 

You have to be ready and tired of the way your life is in order to be able to make excersise and proper nutrition a way of life. I responded to this post because I felt you just might be at that turning point. I hope it helps. Good luck and keep us posted

 

Before you start anything, make sure you get a complete physical exam with your doctor.

[November-Rain]

I agree, you do have to do it for yourself. Everything will fall into place as you lose weight, including your sex life.

 

After having children I sort of let myself go. I wasn't feeling well for a long time, I guess I did not feel very motivated to do anything about my weight. Somehow I woke up one morning and decided enough is enough. I too changed my eating habits and started an excersise regime which included walking, running, and now swimming. I feel great now and have lost quite a bit of weight.

 

I hope these posts inspire you to get motivated and make excersise and good eating habits a way of life. Your body will love you for it, and so will your hubby!