Chance of Loving Cheating Partner Again, Or Cut My Loses?

[Guest]

Hi guys,

 

I have been dating a man for about a year and we now live together. During the very beginning stages of our relationship, I was flabbergasted by how immature he could be (i.e. telling me about which TV stars he was masterbating to, asking me to buy him alcohol when I don't drink because he didn't want to spend his money, critisizing me instead of complimenting me, making his mom reimburse him for buying me gifts, standing me up, yelling at me, stealing from me, etc)--I tried to end the relationship early, but he begged me to stay, saying he had never been in a real relationship and wanted to learn how to be a good committed partner. He pleaded for another chance.

 

I decided to stay, and was surprised to see, he really DID change--it was remarkable to see the difference in his behaviors! I thought things were going really well, and then, I noticed he got a phonecall at 2am. When I asked who it was and if everything was ok (I was worried it might be an emergency), he became extremely nasty. The story progresses a bit, and I was shocked to find out, that he was cheating on me with a drug addicted stripper who was already in a relationship of her own. He tried to blame his cheating on me, which was really hurtful. Needless to say, I was upset, and told him I needed to respect myself, and I was walking away--I would not speak with him again unless he got into counselling for a self-proclaimed "sex addiction". I was surprised to see, he did indeed get into counselling, was making some major improvements, and convinced me to give him another chance under the condition that he stay in therapy. He did have his redeeming qualities, and I cared for him very deeply, so I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt.

 

A few months later, I realized a story he was telling me didn't logically make sense, and it became apparent he was lying. I showed him the inconsistent logic, and he admitted to me, he'd cheated on me with a number of men as well as the stripper. He said that while he was with me, that he was trying to hook up with other women as well, and when we weren't physically together, he forgot he was in a relationship. I was disgusted at the betrayal and left for a few months.

 

Again, he started contacting me and begging me for friendship and for help--claimed he had no friends and nobody has given him a chance. He just wanted to learn to be good. He asked me to please take him to therapy sessions (his license was suspended and he was having trouble getting there), because he wanted to get better, and is seriously depressed by his lifestyle choices caused by an addiction. Again, I saw major improvements, and he convinced me to give him another chance. Our relationship improved even more, and I just loved his presence and what felt like a really strong connection--we'd worked through so much together by this point.

 

He then, one day, told me that he was SO sorry for all he's done to me. He told me how wonderful I've always been to him, and that nobody has ever treated him so kindly. He said he understands my boundaries that if he cheats again, I can't be with him (these have been set in stone since I found out about his sex addiction and acting out behaviors). I have felt really awful at times, thinking about the cheating--I try to keep it out of my mind and accept that he is making progress, and can't continually be blamed for some bad mistakes in the past. But about once a month, the betrayal will pop in my head, and I will just have to cry for a bit. He gets angry when I cry, and says that he has to already deal with the guilt of hurting me, and gets angry that he has to feel it again. It hurts me to know that I've been hurt, yet have no outlet--I didn't make the choice to cheat, yet I have to suffer with the aftermath. Oh well...

 

Anyhow, my boyfriend admitted that although he promises he won't cheat again (we have yet to see if he stands by this), he said that he, because of his addiction, sees women as objects. He said that he has already scouted out the hotties at his new job and that he is obsessed with women--that anytime he sees any female, he wants to have sex with her. He says that viewing porn, to him, is the same as cheating--he wants to be with those women. He said that he basically just loves women, and wants to have sex with all of them, and that by watching porn, he's still cheating on me in mind and spirit (I never saw it in this way before he said that!). I understand a lot of people say that men are visual creatures, but because of the extent of his fantasy world, he cannot have sex with me. He cannot get turned on in an intimate relationship (the same problem existed with every girl he's been with in the past)--her can only perform with strippers, prostitutes, or casual sex partners. He was so obsessed with porn that he got fired from his last job for using it at work. He said he masterbates 15 times a day, even in public.

 

Anyhow, we've been living together--I have seen such HUGE improvements, and he has been a very loving, caring, sensitive guy. He hasn't done drugs, drunken or acted out sexually in months. He has been treating me kindly. But over the past week or so, I suddenly lost feelings for him. I have no interest in him sexually anymore, I don't want to deal with the thought of him acting out, I am sick of harboring the pain from what he previously did. It almost feels like a delayed reaction to the trauma I went through! Whenever he talks to me, I just assume what he's saying is a lie, and the sad thing is, it's not a paranoid feeling--it's a feeling of ,"I just don't care anymore."

 

He's been telling me he wants to stay with me forever, and I just assume it's some ploy to use me. I don't trust him anymore. He wants to start doing things together to try to continue to build our bond, but I think, at least in my heart, that the bond might have broken...it feels like it might be permanent (although it could just be the fact that I'm going through a stressful period in life).

 

I'm not interested in anyone else right now--I have no reason to want to leave. I just lost the love in my heart. I don't know if I should try to fix it and make it work? Maybe I could get the feelings back? It's complicated by the fact that we both live together, and we aren't in a situation where we can move apart for another several months.

 

Any advice or sharing of similar experiences would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks.

[SoleMate]

Apologies in advance if I am guessing wrong...but this story may strike some as false. You describe a man and a r/s that are so horrible (masturbating in public?) that almost anyone would be able to see it and decide to leave. If this is truly the life you are living, then I recommend ending it immediately. If your feelings for him have faded, so much the better, because it makes the breakup easier.

 

Don't be surprised when you feel some sadness even when ending a r/s that clearly never made sense. It will pass.

[john2776]

Cut your losses? There are no losses to cut!! This BF of yours is seriously off the rails and is unlikely to ever have a forfilling relationship with anyone. Leave as soon as you can. I hate being judgemental, but I think your BF is a sicko.