a "friends" ex-girlfriend

[antihero800]

This post will explain a situation that I have come into recently that I just can't figure out. Now I am a strong believer in the whole thing that you don't date your friends ex's. Names for this have been changed.

 

Back 7 years ago im middle school Me, Matt, Jill were all friends...I knew Matt liked Jill but they ended becoming best friends. Me and Matt were best friends until halfway through highschool when things changed and we just grew apart. Now all these years later I get back in touch with Matt and find out he is moving back into town (we are all 21 now). My lease was just about up on my apartment so we got a place together. After all this time it turns out that him a Jill had just started dating a few weeks prior to him coming back.

 

So we move in and things are fine. I helped Matt out with money for rent till he could get a job...2-3 weeks after moving in he hadn't so much as even looked for one. Jill and Matt split for reasons I didn't know why. They only dated for 1.5 - 2 months and now they weren't friends anymore after 7 years of being best friends. I never talked to him about it really.

We have now been living here a little over 2 months and Matt still doesn't have a job. His debt to me is growing and I'm thinking of kicking him out. Rather then just act on my thoughts I talked to Jill about him, since I figured she knew him better then anyone. While we were talking it came out that she always thought I was attractive and I told her I thought the same of her. But Matt is a friend so I couldnt do that to him could I? But then I started to think about it and what kind of friend takes money from me by me paying his half of the rent and wont even go find a job. I pay for his rent and it takes a toll on my other bills but he doesn't know that. I just want what he owes me.

 

Anyways Jill tries to talk to Matt but he insists that everything is fine and he's doing good even though she knows from talking to me that he isn't doing good or anything for that matter. As me and Jill talk more to figure out some kind of solution we start to become close and talk in person instead of online. So close that a relationship is possible except for the barrier of Matt. We click, one day we hung out and just drove around or sat parked somewhere just talking. It was the most amazing conversation ever covering every subject possible. It went on for 12 hours without one awkward silence or pause. As we hang out more our focus is still on helping Matt but we would like to not have to hide our interest in eachother. This is extrememly difficult with him being my roommate. Jill really wants to be his best friend again and feels that 1.5 months of dating shouldnt ruin a 7 year friendship. He has to strong of feelings because he liked her the whole time they were friends. (I can relate because my last relationship was someone I liked since back in school but we never hung out till we randomly came in contact and started talking so my situation is a little different.)

 

So here are a few of the scenarios that me and Jill have come up with:

The best being her and Matt could start being friends again she could straighten him out and get him motivated to work and pay me back and then after some time (dont know how long) we could let him know that we were talking about him to find a way to help him and during that time we became close and feelings developed. It would probably still hurt him though.

 

Another is we keep it quiet forever but it's almost a gauruntee that no matter how careful we are about it (ie: her never being at the apartment) he will catch wind of it. We both decided if he knows it better be from us telling him instead of someone else telling him.

 

Or Matt could continue not doing anything and owe me more money and I will kick him out. I am the lease holder on the apartment. i think if i kicked him out our friendship wouldnt be too good anyways but it would be his fault. Then if he hears about me and Jill it would be a kick in the teeth to him and we don't want that.

 

So does anyone have any advice on what I should do. We really dont want to ignore our feelings and we have both expressed that to eachother. Lately I haven't viewed matt as too good a friend because what kind of friend can take and take but never reciprocate and show any effort at all to make things right. My view is why should i let someone stand in my way of something that feels so right (me and Jill) that really isn't a friend anymore. I mean he is a friend but he is on a fast track to not being one. We don't want him to think that he got kicked out or we arent friends anymore because of Jill. The only reason I talked to her behind his back was to get help with my situation. We just aren't sure if he will understand the whole situation is his fault. Is it just not possible to have Jill and also keep Matt as a friend? That is why Jill wanted to work on being Matt's friend again before he finds out about us. If it was me doing what he is doing I would understand. It would suck but it would be my fault and I would tolerate it.

 

I appreciate any advice that can be given or if you have been in a situation like this before then let me know the outcome. I have other friends that I would never talk to their Ex-girlfriend because they are my friends. But as you can see he isn't doing to much to convince me otherwise or really feel all that bad about talking to her.

 

One last thing I might add is that when me and my last relationship were off and on he would e-mail and text back and forth to her just innocent conversation. He never told me though and I found out by my Ex showing me the e-mail chain and seeing him say that we shouldnt be together even though he knew that i wanted to be with her and we were trying to work on things. If anything I think a friend should help me out and encourage her to stay with me. He didn't even know us when we were together just at the end of the relationship when we moved into this apartment so I didn't think he should be giving her his opinion.

 

I read back over this and it's obvious what I think most of you will say. I think he isn't a good friend so why not try out me and Jill but as you all may know it just isn't that easy.

[bluechocolate]

I'm not exactly sure what it is you 'owe' Matt after all this time. You were good friends in high-school. Big deal. High school is over & has been for quite some time now. Sometimes past friendships are best left in the past.

 

And I must say, all this ruminating & discussing & planning sounds rather like high school. Is that where you want to be?

 

First thing - get Matt out of your apartment. The more indebted he becomes to you the less chance you have of getting any of it back. I suppose you could try setting a deadline (something you should have done from the beginning), but either way you might want to resign yourself to never seeing that money again.

 

I pay for his rent and it takes a toll on my other bills but he doesn't know that.

 

Oh, I'm pretty sure he does now, even if you're not saying anything.

 

He never told me though and I found out by my Ex showing me the e-mail chain and seeing him say that we shouldn't be together even though he knew that i wanted to be with her and we were trying to work on things.

 

What more do you need to know to convince yourself that Matt isn't the friend you think he is?

[antihero800]

And I must say, all this ruminating & discussing & planning sounds rather like high school. Is that where you want to be?

 

I never thought of it like that. it's just she was his best friend for so long and we care for him. I see what your saying though...as much as I don't want to hurt someone I gotta do what I want to do. Live my life. Not him live my life. Either he is not hurt by me and Jill deciding against it, or I am disappointed for not getting the chance with Jill.

[bluechocolate]

Jill dated him for 1.5 months - hardly a long romance, though I understand the complications for Matt if he's still interested & has like her for a long time. However, Jill should probably realise that as long as he feels/felt that way he wasn't really a 'friend' in the first place.

 

As to you scenarios - this is the worst one:

 

The best being her and Matt could start being friends again she could straighten him out and get him motivated to work and pay me back and then after some time (dont know how long) we could let him know that we were talking about him to find a way to help him and during that time we became close and feelings developed. It would probably still hurt him though.

 

All that will do is lead Matt on & then yes, it will still hurt & a hell of a lot worse. Anyway, it's not Jill's responsibility to motivate him to work & pay off his debts, especially if the entire time there's an alterior motive playing in the background.

 

I think you both need to go 'no-contact' with Matt!

[antihero800]

However, Jill should probably realise that as long as he feels/felt that way he wasn't really a 'friend' in the first place.

 

Thanks again for clearing that up...again I realize now he was probably such good friends with her and always there for her and supported her because of deeper emotions. He'd do anything for her because she is the one he wanted. She probably took it as we get along so well and he is so nice and always there for me no matter what. He is my best friend. She admitted to me that she dated him because of something that happened after one night of partying after all these years and she just went for it and assumed that maybe it would work out since they were such good friends.

 

You have given me new ways to see my situation and I can't wait for her to get off work so I can show her this. It will be hard but life is about making the hard decisions to better yourself.

 

I see now that the situation that we thought best sucks. But my question is the easiest way to have no contact with him would be him continuing his way and not meeting my deadline. What if he does step up and pay me back? Then he still lives here and it's gonna be hard.

[bluechocolate]

Normally I would say that you should stay away from a friend's ex, but in this case I'm not entirely convinced that Matt is the friend you think he is. More that you want him to be the friend he once was. If you were such good friends don't you think you should be able to talk to him about all of this?

 

As to the living arrangements, personally I think you've enough reason to get rid of him, but then I can be a hard ba$tard!

 

No matter how this pans out someone is going to get burnt. You & Jill have to decide what is more important - Matt's feelings & your friendship with him or your chance with each other.

[Hitman10000]

Yeah, would people post a max of 3 paragraphs (5 sentences in each paragraph.) We got lives to live.

[norajane]

OMG! This is SOOOOO high school.

 

First, grow up and talk directly to Matt. Tell him he's not paying the rent, and he hasn't been looking for a job. Ask him what his plan is? If he doesn't have one, tell him you can't afford to pay the rent for both of you and he'll have to leave within X weeks, and that you'll be looking for a new roommate in the meantime.

 

Second, Matt is probably really depressed right now because he lost his dream girl/best friend. Which is probably why he can't bring himself to look for a job or help himself right now. You could have maybe been his friend and shown a little compassion and talked to him rather than going behind his back to conspire with Jill. You are as selfish and self-centered as anyone else in this scenario, so don't lose sight of that.

 

Third, the last thing Matt needs is for Jill to be yanking his chain by trying to be friends with him while you two carry on behind his back. Either put it out there in the open or back off from her. Keep in mind she could drop you as quickly as she dropped Matt.

 

Finally, the part about Matt telling your ex that maybe you and she shouldn't be together? You said that Matt didn't even know you when you and your ex were together, and that he was HER friend. He owed you nothing, and if he saw that she was miserable going off and on with you, as a friend he gave her his opinion. Get over it.

[Citizen Erased]

Have you spoken to him about paying you back? Does he realise the effect it is having on your financial state? Don't you think if he realised you were unable to support the both of you then it would give him motivation to find a job?

 

You cannot handle his rent each month, food etc and then complain about it if he is unaware of how it is affecting you. It is also incredibly cruel if you kick him out with no warning of the reason why you are kicking him out. Communicate with him your feelings, sort out a financial plan, help him search for a job if you want. But don't kick him whilst he is down with no warning whatsoever. You have been a good friend and it is always a shame to lose a friendship.

 

As for his ex. If you were absolute best mates then I would have to say no, you just don't go there. However, it doesn't appear that you are so approach it with some tact. Sit him down and explain that you and her have been speaking lately and have deveoped some feelings. Ask him his opinion, explain that you do not want to hurt his feelings etc. In the end it is not up to him who you pursue an adult relationship with, but it would be best if you let him know yourself and speak about how it affects him. He may slap you on the back and congratulate you both or he may never speak to you again. You cannot determine how he deals with this, but you can act like an adult. This is indeed not High School anymore and you need to gain some courage to deal with adult situations.

[norajane]

an adult relationship

 

:lmao:

 

I don't see any adults here.

[Citizen Erased]

:lmao:

 

I don't see any adults here.

 

ah touche.

[antihero800]

In an attempt to include every detail I forgot to mention more about the money situation...since i was concentrating on the relationship part. I have told Matt time and time again that he needs to be up doing something. I try to get him motivated. Ask if he wants to just drive around to different places for applications. I couldn't get through to him so I turned to Jill.

 

As for his ex. If you were absolute best mates then I would have to say no, you just don't go there. However, it doesn't appear that you are so approach it with some tact. Sit him down and explain that you and her have been speaking lately and have deveoped some feelings. Ask him his opinion, explain that you do not want to hurt his feelings etc.

 

That was my original plan until the previous poster had warned that it was a bad idea. And he had a point to so now I'm lost again.

[bluechocolate]

However, it doesn't appear that you are so approach it with some tact. Sit him down and explain that you and her have been speaking lately and have deveoped some feelings. Ask him his opinion, explain that you do not want to hurt his feelings etc.

That was my original plan until the previous poster had warned that it was a bad idea. And he had a point to so now I'm lost again.

 

Previous poster being me I assume.

 

But that wasn't you plan, was it? Your plan was to have Jill motivate him to get a job, him paying you back and THEN you were going to sit down & explain the situation. Slightly different, no?

 

Third, the last thing Matt needs is for Jill to be yanking his chain by trying to be friends with him while you two carry on behind his back. Either put it out there in the open or back off from her.

Pretty much what I said about your first option.

 

I know you want to have this end up with Matt working, his debts paid & everybody happy & being friends but sometimes life just doesn't work that way.

[Guest]

Oh My Goodness....

 

This is all a bunch of drama.

 

Don't FEED the drama, sweetheart. Talk to Matt directly and get things in the open.

 

Let the chips fall where they may.

 

You are wasting valuable energy on situation that can be handled with few words.

 

Matt needs to contribute financially. Period. If that means taking a job at Mcdonald's, so be it. Why are you catering to his laziness?

 

Your friend Jill and you are adults. If you care about each other, you have every right to explore a relationship. You should be honest with Matt and he needs to grow up and face reality.

 

Sometimes friendship isn't easy. There are times you need to confront your friends about lazy, slacker-ish behavior or tell them uncomfortable news.