dnpayne Posted August 14, 2006 Share Posted August 14, 2006 My wife and I were highschool sweethearts and dated for about 3 years. We got married when she graduated highschool and have been married for 4 years now. She recently said she wanted some space and moved to her parents house. She has been there for about 3 weeks. I realized why this happened and have done everything I know how to do to tell her I am sorry and I can fix our problems. The problems are my short temper and controlling issues. I recently went to the doctor and am taking some medicine for anxiety and I also have lightened up on lots of things. I have said some things in the past that I shouldn't have and have tried to say I am sorry in every way. My wife is the most important thing in my life and this is killing me. She doesn't really have any responsibilities now and is going out and having fun all the time. We have been going to a counciler and it doesn't seem to be helping. I have admitted everything and am willing to do whatever it takes. I even want to go on a weekend marriage retreat next month that I think could really help. Our biggest problem is that we don't communicate very well. She holds everything in until its to late. And I say things and get upset when I shouldn't. I have a completely different outlook now and I want to do everything to get us back together, but she says I am not trying. That couldn't be farther from the truth. We have only seen eachother for about 4 hours in the past 3 weeks. I just don't think that is enough time for me to show her. I don't know what to do. We all make mistakes but apart of me thinks she is doing this for revenge. Any advise? Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted August 14, 2006 Share Posted August 14, 2006 Stop apologising. You've done that already. Stop telling her you've changed. She's heard it already & probably doesn't believe you right now. The problems are my short temper and controlling issues. This may sound perverse, but if you insist on telling her you've changed & want an opportunity to show her then you're displaying that you are still trying to be controlling. I recently went to the doctor and am taking some medicine for anxiety and I also have lightened up on lots of things. I'm not a doctor so really know jack $h!t about this, but I'm thinking that medicine & 'lightening up' isn't going to get to the bottom of your issues to do with anger & control. Continue seeing the counsellor, with or without your wife, & ask your counsellor what else you can be doing to address your problems regarding anger & control (which I suspect are closely related). Link to post Share on other sites
ALLALONEAT35 Posted August 14, 2006 Share Posted August 14, 2006 Wow how simlar your marriage sounds compared to mine. Doesnt it make you mad that her parents allowed her to move in and have no responsiblities. My husband lives with his parents, he doesnt even have to pay rent, or buy food. It makes me mad just thinking about it... Here I am struggling to keep it all the bills paid, while he gets to be a free loader. I feel in my heart if the parents of our spouses make it alittle hardier for them, just maybe and I do mean maybe they might see what we are and were to them. I can admit listen to you say your a controling person makes me wonder alittle bit about your true intentions: Meaning your telling her you have changed but in a sense i get the impression you are begging her to see the change in you, its sorta a control thing... Just let her miss you and just maybe she will come around, I am learning that, its tuff trust me, begging and pleading doesnt get you anywhere. I have made the mistakes of telling my husband everything I thought he wanted to hear, but really I am not so sure I meant all of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Lor Posted August 14, 2006 Share Posted August 14, 2006 Hey there. okay, you were really generic on the problems you two are having? Can you spell them out a little clearer to give us a better idea of what's going on? A weekend retreat is not a good idea. That's too much forced time together. Ask her if she's willing to start off very slow to get to know you now. Maybe a movie or dinner? Not both--that's too much. And only once a week or every two weeks. Don't call, don't email. You can let her know how much you care but also let her know that you are giving her the space she's asking for. Don't get overly mushy--Gunny'll tell you; women don't like wimps. The meds for anxiety--that's great to hear. Hopefully it'll be temporary but you may be a lifer like me. you've recognized the problem and taken steps to fix it, that will serve you better in the long run, no matter how this comes out. Good luck to you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author dnpayne Posted August 14, 2006 Author Share Posted August 14, 2006 I can understand how me wanting to show her how I've changed is being a control thing. I never really thought of it that way. I'll have to work on that too. This is very hard to deal with. I just want to make it right and if you think about it, that is a way of controling the issue. I don't really call her or anything as much. I do send her a text message in the morning and in the evening just saying that I love her. Its hard to even get any quality time with her right now. I want to do activities that allow us to talk and focus on eachother. With a movie you are focusing on the movie. She just doesn't want to give me the time of day at all right now. The meds are helping tremendously with the irritability. I assume my new state of mind has something to do with it too. Link to post Share on other sites
Flutterby74 Posted August 15, 2006 Share Posted August 15, 2006 Give her a little space and she may be willing to see you. Good luck! I commend the fact that you accept you have issues and are willing to work on them. Link to post Share on other sites
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