him again

[lost]

I posted my situation with my ex awhile ago. I thought things were completely done and over with. After 8 months of constant on again off again....i said no more. I blew him off completely...would not call or talk to him.

 

Well about 2 weeks ago I stopped by his mom's house to drop off some stuff..hoping he would not be there. He was he begged me to come talk to him for a minute so being the nice girl i am, trying to make a freindship of over 8 years work, we talked. I filled him in on my troubled life with my family he filled me in on his life. He gave me a hug. I sad thanks i needed that. He said our not the only one. I said thanks for being there for me and left.

 

I figured that he would call every once in a while just to remain friends. I was wrong. He's called everyday since then telling me things like he loves hearing my voice, how i always make things better, i'm the only one who understands him, how he really wants to be with me.

 

So now i'm confused. He's been telling me all along that he cares about me but had commitment issues due to his abondonment as a child and can not be with me. I understand that...that's why we can only be freinds. He tells me he want's to get back together with me but he needs help first. He's made an appointment to talk to someone so that's a good step. I"m just confused as to what i should do. We've been through this for the third time now. Should i stand beside him even though he gave up on me?

 

Any thoughts would be helpful!

 

thanks!

[Tony T]

People with abandonment issues seldom get completely over them but the work they have to do is long and arduous. Don't expect him to go to a counsellor and come out just fine after three or four visits. It could take two or three years for him to clear this hurdle. He didn't get this way overnight and what happens in a person's childhood leaves very deep wounds on the soul.

 

You have to make this decison all by yourself. The odds are against you having a great relationship with this guy, at least anytime soon. It is great that he knows he has this problem and that he's willing to get help. He'll have to be committed to doing the required work. Meanwhile, it will be a tremendous gamble on your part that he will be ready to devote himself to a close relationship within the next few years.

 

Another gamble you take is that passing time can do all kinds of things. Suppose you stick around, he gets better, and he meets somebody else. Let's say he works on himself and changes in ways you are not comfortable with. Break ups occur often because people change in different ways.

 

You'd be a whole lot better off finding a guy who is OK right now and who doesn't need to be fixed. Why is it that so many women go for guys who need fixing? Find out why you would want to wait around for this man rather than open yourself up for real love from someone who is ready and capable of devoting himself to you.

 

I don't know, what do you think? Should you stand by him? Do you want to take the chance? Do you have the time? Don't you have better things to do? Why should he deserve this kind of devotion on your part?