friends without benefit

[loose_end1975]

Hi. I'm new here but i'm just going to dive right in. I need some objetive advice.

I'm smart, funny and decently attractive but I've never been good with the guys. I can never tell if someone is interested in me and I have no idea how to let someone know i'm interested in them. So I've never been in a relationship. Actually I've never even been on a date. I've had a few random make outs but nothing to write home about. And I'm 30.

 

Well anyway a while back i got to know a guy thru some common friends. He lived in another city but visited often. He seemed interested but we didnt get together and eventually he started dating another girl (in my city) though he'd call me whenever he came to town.

 

Well a few months into that, I hung out with him (and his girlfriend) when he came to town. The next day, they broke up and he went back. Since then we started chatting on the phone regularly sometimes twice a day. He was funny and nice and he didn't judge me cause I'd never been with anyone. Somewhere along the line it got clear and stated that the next time we met, we'd hook up and while I'm pretty prudish I was ok casue he was comfortable.

 

Anyway finally we did meet and hook up and it was ok and we seemed to be doign fine. I was ok with the fact that we were not instantly 'with' each other cause I didn't want to force a relationship if we weren't compatible but I didn't mind letting things develop if they did.

 

But then things kind of changed. We'd never set any terms like this was definately supposed to go somewhere but all of a sudden he started droppign little disclaimers everywhere...like oh i'm so glad we're just friends etc... It hurt. I mean I'm apparently good enough to **** but anything more long term is OUT of the question. As if I was just dying to land him and drag him off to the altar. At that point I wasn't even sure he was dating material let alone marriage material.

 

Also he started being exaggeratedly 'neutral' with me, going out of his way to treat me 'not specially'. I wasn't to expect any compliments (even innoccuous ones liek you look nice) cause he was not my boyfriend. I wasn't to mind the silly lewd nicknames he gave me cause we'd had sex. Going somewhere together liek for dinner or even coffee was out of the question.

 

Then he went back to his town and for a brief while he was nice again. Attentive and flirty and almost emotionally accessible, though the disclaimers still cropped up. Then I found myself starting to play games. seeing if he'd call first going crazy wonderign if I should call consequently the phonecall schedule got erratic. He's still nice when we speak but I can't count on his phonecalls liek clockwork like i did earlier.

 

So here's the thing...he was good as a friend before we had sex but I felt a lack of respect as soon as we went into the sex buddies space. that rankles. it's uncalled for.I dont mind continuing the sexual relationship only not if it means he's going to act liek a jerk.

But will i lose him as a friend if the sex is out of the equation. And is that fair to him cause it's liek saying oh ok now I changed my mind and the rules with it too.

I'd miss him if he wasn't in my life not just because of the attention he represents and i'm not sure i'm ready to give him up yet. I'd liek him to love me but I'd rather he respect me. I dont know what to do. What do i do?

[bluechocolate]

I'm going to cut & paste something I wrote a few hours ago to someone in a similar situation -

 

OK, I'm going to be blunt:

 

he thinks you're an easy lay;

 

he thinks you're smitten & will do anything just to be with him;

 

he now knows he doesn't have to work at this at all;

 

and,

 

no, he doesn't respect you.

 

What do I do?

 

Don't call him.

 

Don't sleep with him.

 

Make him 'court' you

 

and

 

don't hold your breath.

[Guest]

being in a similar situation loose_end....

 

I love the attention and feel very special when we're together just to two of us... but as Blue Chocolate said....

 

cut the strings... see if he wants anything more, don't accept less than what you want... you'll make new friends and get attention from other people who will make you feel equally if not more special without the crap.

 

he will continue to act this way until you're ready to do something about the situation and let him go. Only you can change you can't make someone else change and you can't make someone else love you...

 

don't hold your breath that he will change.

 

Good luck - to you and me!!

[Tony T]

If you value his friendship, just plain have a talk with him and see just where his head is at. Insist that he be honest with you. Frankly, I think right after a break up is a very bad time to start a relationship. He needs just a little bit of time to get his balance before another relationship.

 

There's nothing like a piece of strange to help a guy get over somebody...but it's not a complete healing. Remember this for the future. Don't even get near guys romantically who are just out of a relationship.

 

It seems that at least some time passed after his previous relationship before he got physical with you. Nevertheless, the emotional stuff began right away. Not good!

[Rossco]

"Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough"....Patti Smyth & Don Henley

[loose_end1975]

Thanks everyone for the advice. Thing is, I know this stuff...how did I let myself get painted into this corner? I know i'll work him out of my system but i just wonder if i need to lose the friendship as well. Thing is he's not a bad guy but i just played myself intot he oldest, stupidest trick int he book.

Btw, BlueChocolate, Any tips on how I can get them to 'court' me? Rememebr I can't even get them to notice me at this point.

And anyway is that any guarantee, that after the 'courting' is done they won't turn around and act like jerks again. What are you supposed to do when most of the opposing team won't play fair?

[pricillia]

Thanks everyone for the advice. Thing is, I know this stuff...how did I let myself get painted into this corner? I know i'll work him out of my system but i just wonder if i need to lose the friendship as well. Thing is he's not a bad guy but i just played myself intot he oldest, stupidest trick int he book.

Btw, BlueChocolate, Any tips on how I can get them to 'court' me? Rememebr I can't even get them to notice me at this point.

And anyway is that any guarantee, that after the 'courting' is done they won't turn around and act like jerks again. What are you supposed to do when most of the opposing team won't play fair?

 

 

Be a confident woman... You know I love that scene from grees when Olivia Newton John changes her appearance for John Travolta... You dont have to go to extreme but...

 

I mostly get attention from men when I am just being myself... all men will not notice you all of the time. It is also the signals that you are giving them even if you don't notice you are doing it.

 

There are other men out there... just don't let him take advantage of you

be strong and confident... Do what is good for you.

 

May I ask was he your first...

[pricillia]

Wow I can't spell today

 

Greese is the word is the word...

[loose_end1975]

Yes he was my first. the only reason being he took the time to talk to me and get me to be comfortable with him so i dont regret that part.

The weird thing is i am strong and confident and friendly and i never put on an act of being somethign other than what i am but guys NEVER approach me..as far as i know.

[pricillia]

I am like you too in some ways I have to feel comfortable with a man in order to be that close to him. None of us want to feel used. I hope I am not wrong in saying that some men are shy when asking women out. I encoured my man to ask me out I opened the door for him and it worked.

 

I would not feel bad about yourself with being with this man at all

Sex and intamcy is natural and fun, it sounds like you are still getting intouch with your sensual side.

[fun_robot_guy]

I'm a guy and say this with all honesty. Women need to make us work for their affection. If we don't have to work for it, we don't respect it.

[Cherokee21]

I'm right there with ya... I'm in a similar situation.

 

I would not put it all out on the line with him if I were you. I understand that you might have once been good friends, but it has gone well past that now. Its not the same anymore, and it seems to me you have overcompensated enough. The only reason why I stress this is because you have mentioned you would still like his attention. You have to give him something to chase, otherwise he will forget about you as he has confidence in the fact that you will always be there. I'm not trying to tell you to play games to mess him up or hurt him. I have just learned that most men like the cat and mouse game. They want a women they have to work for. He doesn't respect you right now. I know he might make you feel on top of the world at times. But you have to wonder how a person who cares about you so much can make your emotions jump from such extremes. Pure bliss to devestation in a blink.

 

What I learned from my situation is that really what I was looking for was my own self acceptance. I let my guard down and I had no self respect at the time. I basically killed myself over this guy who didn't deserve me. If he is making you feel bad about yourself or guilty about something, maybe you should look into it a little deeper. You can't blame yourself for trusting him, and getting comfortable. Thats just natural. But you can blame yourself for not showing enough self respect. Don't continue to let him treat you this way if you aren't happy. You don't have to be a bitch. You can actually get to him more by being quite casual. He might be a little shaken up by your new confidence. It might get him wondering a little. If he has to earn your attention, it will mean so much more to him. I'm not going to tell you that your relationship will ever be the same. But I feel like you can switch things around and do it the 'right' way. And if he doesn't like it then you definitely do not need him. who knows a guilt trip could set in on him and he could realize what a d*ck he was.

 

I will also tell you that if you push off sex/any of your normal activities right away he may not react how you would like. It sounds like he is used to having sex with you every time he sees you. If you change that he might sense inconsistancy which will turn him off immideatly. Based off my judgements, I would not see him unless you plan on having sex again. I would just understand his intentions right now.... Let him think he has some control of the situation but know in your own mind that you are really in full control of yourself and your actions. Slowly make him work harder and harder for you and you will almost be like his little prize. Which in turn works out well for both of you. Show more respect for yourself, never let yourself continue doing something that makes you feel guilty or bad about yourself and you will do well with anyone. I hope you can regain as much as your friendship as you can and end up happy reguardless.

 

I'm glad I got to share my thoughts, it helps me to do it!

[loose_end1975]

Hi all, have been using the advice and there have been small victories. The stupid nicknames have stopped and off colour topics dont really feature in the conversations anymore. The phone schedule is not as erratic anymore but it is still sparse. Any tips on how I should be playing it during the next phone conversation? breezy and unconcerned, distant and disinterested or, friendly and casual though pleased

Alo I'm just wondering, Fun Robot guy, where does the line between makign guys work for our affections turn into playign mindgames with a person. As in what's good strategy and what's outright deciet?

[TJettman]

where does the line between makign guys work for our affections turn into playign mindgames with a person. As in what's good strategy and what's outright deciet?

 

The way it should work is he takes a step you take step. If he gives a little, you give a little. That's letting him work for it and not really screwing him up too much. Now if he takes a step and you take two, that's just being a pain in the ass and guys will only take that for a short time before they just say **** it and move on.

[loose_end1975]

Ok Make him work harder seems the consensus. How?

At this point, being in two different cities, the only contact with him is through phone conversations and IM. I don't call him anymore. but that means we only speak maybe twice a week or so and maybe 2-3 IM conversations or so. So to get him to work harder (at this point, call more often) what do i do? Do I start outright avoiding his calls, periodically not take them or calling him back if I miss his call, or act disinterested when he does call?

 

I'm not really great at playing games and I don't really liek to but I realize being open and available and 'what you see is what you get' hasn't helped my cause either.