After 10yrs she left because she don't love me anymore.

[MattN]

Okay this is more of rant and I just need to get some things out. I know I am over reacting and probably reading to much into things but

 

I get my son right now every other day so I always call around 7pm to say goodnight to my son. Last night she doesn't wait for me to call and has him call me no biggie but still weird and the last 2 days she has called me at work to tell me stupid stuff she already has told me. Last night she tells me she had thursday off so I need to drop him off at her moms house before I goto work. No biggie I say ok. She goes out of her way to call me this morning at work to 'remind me' that she has thursday off and I need to drop him off at her moms. Um yes hello didn't we just talk about this last night? I dunno probably nothing but just seems weird to me thats all.

 

You know shes DONE so I was just under the assumption she would talk to me the least possible and if she does need to talk to me it would be when I call to say goodnight to my son.

 

Like I said though I just needed to get it off my chest and I'm sure I'm reading too much into things but it still stricks me as weird.

[MattN]

Oh and I have been following the 32. 2 days ago when I called my son I told her real quick "Your right I don't want to be in a marriage where theres no intimacy and I don't want to be with someone that doesn't love me or isn't happy with me, you were right for leaving me" and quickly moved on to safe subjects of our son.

 

Its probably over and I need to deal with that and getting me back on track but my heart still longs for her and its very hard being without her sometimes.

[Mz. Pixie]

Okay this is more of rant and I just need to get some things out. I know I am over reacting and probably reading to much into things but

 

I get my son right now every other day so I always call around 7pm to say goodnight to my son. Last night she doesn't wait for me to call and has him call me no biggie but still weird and the last 2 days she has called me at work to tell me stupid stuff she already has told me. Last night she tells me she had thursday off so I need to drop him off at her moms house before I goto work. No biggie I say ok. She goes out of her way to call me this morning at work to 'remind me' that she has thursday off and I need to drop him off at her moms. Um yes hello didn't we just talk about this last night? I dunno probably nothing but just seems weird to me thats all.

 

You know shes DONE so I was just under the assumption she would talk to me the least possible and if she does need to talk to me it would be when I call to say goodnight to my son.

 

Like I said though I just needed to get it off my chest and I'm sure I'm reading too much into things but it still stricks me as weird.

 

There's a couple of reasons for her wanting to talk to you. She's still getting part of her emotional needs met by you- not all of them though. She wants you for that part- but wants to be able to be free to get her other needs met somewhere else.

 

That's sort of fence sitting.

 

I think if you'd refuse to talk to her except about the kids then she might start to miss you just a bit perhaps??

 

That means- when she starts personal talk you say "Unless this is about the kids I have nothing to say" and then you politely let her go.

 

Don't let her keep tabs on you. When you show up to drop the kids off- look good smell good- be evasive about what you're doing.

 

She'll be curious, trust me.

[MattN]

Well the more I think about it she really just called to let me know about her having the day off and where I needed to drop him off at but I just found it weird that she called again at my work to tell me since she just told me the night before. She doesn't really talk to me other then about our son or some financial stuff we have to take care of.

 

Like I said I'm sure I'm just overreacting because of my feelings for her since she doesn't talk to me about anything else..

[dgiirl]

Oh I remember the frustration with that. My exh would do things like that and it would frustrate the hell out of me. I remember one night he drove 30 minutes out of his way to pick up a few open boxes of TEA he left at the house??? He hates driving anywhere, and although I do not drink tea, I still found it odd that he'd drive out to the house just for tea! Either he's pathetically cheap or he was checking up on the house or something. There's not much I could do about that. He didnt encourage any conversation between us, so I felt like he was kinda checking up on me, but he didnt have the nerve to follow through. He's also had friends spy on the house, and he visits my personal homepage time to time, yet he doesnt TALK to me. I really didnt know how to handle such a situation, so I just had to keep my poker face on.

 

It's frustrating, but please try not to read too much into it. I would always overanalyze everything he'd do and say, and I would always end up hurting myself more.

[bkz]

I also realize I can't believe anything she says but she tells me

 

Maybe I was too young

Maybe I settled

Maybe things went to fast

Maybe there was never anything there

 

I mean there was something there when we decided a kid. I guess the hardest part for me really is to try and accept that my last 10yrs was a mistake, someone settled for me, that it may not have been there. I can't believe that I just feel that there was something more there. Don't get me wrong I know eventually I can and will move on and if what she says is true then I do deserve someone who appreciates me and my love but I married this woman and I made vows to her for better or for worse and through sickness and through health among others and I knew we would have hard times how can 2 people not but I just feel as if she gave up.

 

Then theres our son and what he has to go through which is the worst part because he is understanding a lot more then what I thought at 5

 

Sometimes I wonder if she didn't have mommy to fall back on so easy would she have bailed so easy? If things were so bad for so long then why is everyone so surprised and not just me?

 

I dunno and probably never will..

 

Matt, first thing is im so sorry your going through this right now.

Second thing is PLEASE listen to what these people are telling you, they really know what there talking about. I've been going through a pretty rough ordeal and if I would have wised up and listend earlyer (espessially to Mz P) I would have probley been better off now although I did manage to pull my head outa my ars soon enough fortunately.

 

The stuff you W is saying to you and doing sounds way too familer to me, espessially the stuff above like:

Maybe I was too young

Maybe I settled

Maybe things went to fast

Maybe there was never anything there

 

Dude my W said the EXACT same things after she moved out. Believe me at this point id like to tell you it was true and thats why we're getting a divorce but in reality its MUCH more hurtful than that. My W was having an affair for the last year and a half and moved out to be with him.

 

Mz P and others tried to tell me what was going on but I just couldnt believe shed do that and I was unwilling to accept there advice. I was also told of other things she may be doing and they turned out to be true as well. Now after the fog has cleared from my head I can truely see what was/is happening with her and I NOTHING she could do would surprise me.

 

Im not trying to say shes cheeting on you or anything else that im not sure of but.........Never underestamate what they're capable of doing and really try to take the advice here to hart.

 

One more thing that I do know of.

I have 3 small children and my boys are the same age as yours. Im not sure what state you live in but if its not Calif. you could have alot more problems than you think with custody. Ive made sure I had my kids at least 50% of the time since she left. Ive kept a journal for the last year when this all started and ive kept track of all her meds (shes on my insurance so this is easy for me to do). All I can say is document EVERYTHING!!! Make sure to document when you had your son and what you did with him. Read books on parenting and keep them to take to court with you if needed. Your gonna want to make sure you can show yourself to be an execellent father.

 

I hope things work out with you and your family but no matter how hard you try and how bad you want it sometimes it just doesnt and you need to be prepared for that, espessially with your son.

 

Theres a website called dadsdivorce.com that you may want to check out, its full of good information. Good luck to you.

[bkz]

Oh one other thing about the documenting. I posted on here quite a bit in detail about what was happening over the last year. Ive recentley been able to go back and use all that DATED information to my benafit and in my journal. This is a good place to keep track of what happend later on as you moved into differant stages of this prosses.

[Gunny376]

Leave the paper trail from Hell!

 

Document, document, document!

 

Documents are lawyers silver bullets

[MattN]

Believe me I do realize there may be someone else involved and I'm doing my best to mentally prepare myself for that but if its true I still haven't found any evidence yet and she hasn't revealed it yet which I find strange since shes gone now I don't know why she would still hide it but shes probably just waiting for everything to set in and everyone can better handle it I guess. I've been cheated on before so I know its possible and she is no different but I really have no choice but to wait it out because she doesn't stay with me so I can't track her down or anything.

 

I guess time will tell because she can't hide it forever..

[MattN]

I think my best bet right now is to just assume there is someone else involved so I'm mentally prepared and I will buy a journal today and just track everything.

[Ladyjane14]

I think my best bet right now is to just assume there is someone else involved so I'm mentally prepared and I will buy a journal today and just track everything.

 

A plain old spiral notebook will do. Just make sure to handwrite your entries in INK, and date them. BKZ is right. Show what you're actively doing to be a good parent to your child, not just whatever bad stuff you catch your wife doing.

 

I agree with MzPixie that the most likely scenario regarding the frequent phone calls is that she's getting a "fix", fulfilling her EN for contact with you. You can use that to your advantage by being attractive, polite.... and BRIEF much as MzP has said. Keep your wife wondering, and leave her wanting more.

 

While I don't want to encourage you to be paranoid, the other scenario is that she's checking to make sure you're really where you're supposed to be. Alot of times, cheaters will contact their spouse just before meeting up with their affair partner so that they can reassure themselves that they won't be unexpectely interrupted.

Again, I don't want to get you 'worked up', but it's probably best that you keep your guard up.

 

Cheaters who plan on divorce REALLY DO tend to keep the plan on the down-low, in order not to prejudice the court against them at settlement, as well as to keep friends and family from thinking poorly of them. Even in 'no fault' states, judges are human beings who might be influenced by sympathy. So yeah... there's often a deliberate "plan" at work to keep the BS in the dark and then to ACT like the WS has just met someone after the separation.

 

You were wondering why cheating makes a difference if you're separated anyway?

I'll tell you... you can't solve a problem until you know exactly what it is. Depending upon your personality, you might elect to divorce or to attempt reconciliation, but either way.... the better your data, the better satisfied you'll be in your choices.

[Ladyjane14]

Read Devildog's thread when you get a chance. See that attorney, and get your wife out of your pockets until she straightens up.

[bkz]

All states are no falt states so an affair has really no bearing in court USUALLY. In my case the W had my children around this OM for the entire time and told them not to tell me cause id get mad. Well eventually they slipped up and told me. Because I have proof of there relationship, that my kids were around him and being told to lie to there father the affair will matter in court.

 

You should really check out dadsdivorce.com if you havent. Theres alot of good info there.

[Gunny376]

Has your wife shown less interest in having sex with you in the last three months?

Has your wife said something like "I love you but am not in love with you"?

 

Has your wife recently suggested or had cosmetic surgery?

 

Has your wife shown an increased interest in her health and/or dress appearance in recent months?

 

Are there substantial periods of time when you cannot reliably account for your wife's whereabouts?

 

Has your wife developed a meaningful "friendship" with another man?

Has your wife been working more late hours recently without justification?

 

Has your wife become protective of phone conversations or other communication such as email?

 

Have her friends and/or co-workers started behaving differently when you are around?

 

Has she suddenly stopped talking about problems and seeking your advice?

 

Has she recently started to talk about hypothetical life scenarios that exclude you?

Have you noticed an increased number of occurrences when she is not wearing her wedding ring?

 

Are there increasing amounts of times where she provides excuses to leave the house for long periods?

 

Has she set up a separate account for cell phone, email or finances?

 

Has she lost interest in activities relating to your home and/or family?

[MattN]

Has your wife shown less interest in having sex with you in the last three months?

 

Her libido has been down since the baby really and she hasn't had much physical intimacy in a few years but we still regulary had sex probably more so for me she just wasn't intimate during it.

 

Has your wife said something like "I love you but am not in love with you"?

 

Not really more of I care about your well being but I'm not in love with you

 

Has your wife recently suggested or had cosmetic surgery?

 

Not really no her stomach is pretty bad from the baby so she would sometimes mention she wanted a tummy tuck but shes mentioned every once and awhile since the baby. It has never bothered me though but I can understand why it would bother her.

 

Has your wife shown an increased interest in her health and/or dress appearance in recent months?

 

No she has always been a very nice dresser and buying clothes but no she hasn't like intensified it recently

 

Are there substantial periods of time when you cannot reliably account for your wife's whereabouts?

 

Before she left nope not really nothing I can think of..Frankly most of the time she would rather just lay on the couch and veg or sleep.

 

Has your wife developed a meaningful "friendship" with another man?

Has your wife been working more late hours recently without justification?

 

Nope and nope

 

Has your wife become protective of phone conversations or other communication such as email?

 

Nope and she doesn't have email. I'm the computer guru and I have already checked her internet stuff etc

 

Have her friends and/or co-workers started behaving differently when you are around?

 

No not really but we aren't really around them much. She works at a Daycare center down the road from our house that our son goes to also.

 

Has she suddenly stopped talking about problems and seeking your advice?

 

Hmm thats a hard one. Only really for the last month but e still talked etc.

 

Has she recently started to talk about hypothetical life scenarios that exclude you?

Have you noticed an increased number of occurrences when she is not wearing her wedding ring?

 

No and no she took off her wedding ring for good 2 days before she moved out but before that I never seen her with the ring off.

 

Are there increasing amounts of times where she provides excuses to leave the house for long periods?

 

Nope

 

Has she set up a separate account for cell phone, email or finances?

 

Nope and she still uses our account.. I have a seperate account that I pay bills with that she never had access to.

 

Has she lost interest in activities relating to your home and/or family?

 

No as a matter of fact 2 months ago she had new end tables, tv center etc picked out and wanted to repaint the rooms. Its like in the last month she just bailed.

[MattN]

Well she called me today before I left work letting me know our son had a fever and she was taking him to the clinic to make sure. He was alright he just needs some motrin but she trying to act like she don't want him to stay because she thinks I can't take care of him and that he won't want to stay. Makes me mad because I do know how to take care of my son and I have been there for him and we do have a bond. So shes asking him if he wants to stay and he is saying yes.

 

Shes like well are you sure you can do this and that because I always normally taken care of him when he is sick. Of course I can take care of him and its something I told her shes and he is gonna have to get use to since she has decided to bail out. I'm beginning to think she is more dependant on him then vise versa. Shes like I'll call back later to check on him and if he is crying for me then I'll come get him.

 

So I asked her if she got all her stuff she wanted since its been 2 weeks since she dropped the bomb on me and shes like well I have a few more things I need to get here and there but I said okay we can make arrangments on when you can get the rest of your stuff just go ahead and give me my keys and garage door opener back. She was surprised because shes like right now? I was like yeah well you bailed theres really no need for you to have them. Screw that I'm not coming home everyday wondering what she has taken or if she has been to the house because well she bailed and she has made her bed so go lay in it.She has had 2 weeks to get what she needs. Besides if there is anyone else she sure in the hell isn't using my place to meet up while I'm at work but frankly I really don't think its about that.

 

The woman is lost and I'm really beginning to wonder if the person I thought I married is even in there anymore I mean her thought is I haven't been happy in a few years and you have known you have just been in denial. Well yeah sure I have known we had some problems but nothing so serious that couldn't have been worked through but how can 2 people work through something when the other one doesn't communicate them and isn't even willing to try. Marriage takes hard work and its not easy and its like she expects things to be easy I guess because why else would someone just bail. I had to walk away from the conversation because theres no talking to her she just deals in absolutes. I'm not happy its your fault and you should have known and I'm done.

 

I'm more sad for my son then anything else because he hurts the most from this but I know he will be okay in time. So anyway she calls back later to check on him and his fever has went down but still doesn't feel good. Shes asking him if he is okay and if he wants to stay and I could litterally her the surprise and upsetness in her voice when he is tellimg her yes I'm okay bye see you tomorrow. I believe she was fully expecting him to be crying for her and he wouldnt make it without her. News flash hon he is okay he does have a bond with me and I do know how to take care of him. I have a bigger bond with him then she thinks because in her mind I didn't spend enough time with him and I really did.

 

I still find it hard to take my ring off though and I do love her or at least I love the person I thought she was but I don't think her depression problem is being fixed and theres nothing I can do for that and I really do hope that she comes out of her fog before its too late but it probably won't happen and I need to mentally except that its just sad.

 

Okay enough venting for me.

[Gunny376]

Shhhhhh! BE QUEIT! Did you hear that? That's the sound of someone "manning up"

 

Like I said, balance ~ taking charge of yourself, your life, your wants, your needs, owning up to your part ~ but not letting her dump it all on you.

 

" I'm not happy its your fault and you should have known and I'm done." Oh Hell NO! That comes from the same school of thought of if the husband cheats ~ its his fault, but if the woman cheats ~ its still his fault!

 

When the son decided to stay with you tonight, did you faintly hear a hissing sound? That was the sound of the air being slowly released from her "fantasy bubble" Mr "R" (Reality) will be around shortly from time to time to put a hurtin' on that azz!

 

When you asked for the keys and garage door opener back ~ "What, you mean now!" Man! Reality truly is a beautiful thing ~ isn't?

 

Firm, fair, friendly, balanced in your verbal and non-verbal responses, confidence ozzing from your every pore. Being in control ~ not of her, but of yourself, your life. Not coming across as some seriously PO guy ~ not coming across as some desperate, needy whimp.

 

You did good Matt! I'm proud of you! Didn't he do good folks!

[Gunny376]

your bunnies, (Our way around here of handing out 'at-a-boys")

 

:bunny: :bunny:

[MattN]

Thanks Gunny its really hard though but I'm doing my best. I dropped him off this morning and was very nice and talkative about our son and let her know I will be getting him friday after work.

 

I took my ring off this morning and put away any pictures of her and I in the closet. When we go over pictures I'm gonna ask her for all the wedding pictures nicely since according to her it was all a mistake. They mean something to me so if they mean nothing to her then I feel I should have them.

[Mz. Pixie]

B- good to see you. I'm glad you came back to help someone else out!

 

Why don't you post an update on your sitch for us??

[Gunny376]

Thanks Gunny its really hard though but I'm doing my best. I dropped him off this morning and was very nice and talkative about our son and let her know I will be getting him friday after work.

 

I took my ring off this morning and put away any pictures of her and I in the closet. When we go over pictures I'm gonna ask her for all the wedding pictures nicely since according to her it was all a mistake. They mean something to me so if they mean nothing to her then I feel I should have them.

 

The "place" your putting yourself is a good place. You can't do anything about the DW, but you can "do" something in and about your life, and the situation, You can be "pro-active" iinstead of "re-active"

 

Good job on reducing the number of "triggers" you've got laying around and are exposed to, you can take them out when you need to and the occassion arises. I think you realized that moving forward emotionally and mentally is more important than hanging on to what may have been and what may be over.

 

Don't think she won't notice your not wearing the ring ~ be prepared for her to try and flip that on you as well, and put you thorugh a guilt trip over it. Be prepared.

[Lor]

Guilt trips?? We women don't do guilt trips!! :lmao:

[Gunny376]

are the freaking Zen~masters of "guilt trips"

[bkz]

Hi Mz P, I'll try and post an update soon. Its just so much has happend I dont know where to begin!!!! But most important me and the kids are doing good.

 

Matt, hope your doing ok. Im sure this is a really hard time for you, trust me I can relate.

 

I know I said this before but........Make sure you get at least 50% of your son while this is all going on. Beside the fact that im sure you want to spend as much time with your son as possible there are presedances being set here while you guys are split up and if things dont work out you'll need to show your capable of being there for him as much as her. Its good you didnt let her keep him when he was sick, you proved to her and if your documenting to the court that your able to take care of him on your own.

 

Taking the ring off was a real difficult thing for me as ive allways worn mine since the day we got married. It represented so much to me I just couldnt bring myself to do it. One morning about an hour after I woke up I noticed I didnt have it on. I found it on the nightstand next to my bed, guess subcontiously I knew it was time or god was telling me something? I dunno but I left it off and that was that.

 

Anyways, hang in there and just enjoy your son when you have him. Thats allways been my happy place through all this, my kids.

[MattN]

Right now I get him every other day but he starts school next week and with my work schedule and his school schedule its basicly worked out now that I will get him around 6:20pm on wend. nights and then drop him off at school early thursday morning then I get him friday after work around 6:20pm and I have to have him at her parents house Sunday by 10am so its close to 50% but not quite.

 

Doing the best I can day to day but it is very hard but I keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason and its in gods hands now so hopefully this is for the best.

 

thanks everyone for all the support I really don't know what I would have done without it and I'm sure I'll need more as time goes on