After 10yrs she left because she don't love me anymore.

[MattN]

Well still taking things day by day but it really is hard. Sure I put on my happy face and act like nothing is wrong around everyone and her. When we talk I make sure I'm very pleasant and we talk about our son a lot. He has had a fever for a couple of days so she called last night around 10:45pm to check on him and I told her his temp was okay and he is sleeping fine etc etc. Of course the whole time I'm really wanting to ask her where she is and what she is doing but of course I don't I suck it up keep things focused about our son.

 

Its so hard though after much thought I know for sure I still love her and want to be with her forever and it just breaks my heart.

[Ladyjane14]

Right now I get him every other day but he starts school next week and with my work schedule and his school schedule its basicly worked out now that I will get him around 6:20pm on wend. nights and then drop him off at school early thursday morning then I get him friday after work around 6:20pm and I have to have him at her parents house Sunday by 10am so its close to 50% but not quite.

 

I still think you should get an attorney's opinion on that, Matt. You're setting yourself up for accepting less than 50/50 on custody. You'll end up paying her child support at this rate, and if she's able to pick your pockets from off-premises... she's got less incentive to come home.

 

Talk to a lawyer.

It might be better to provide after-school care on the days when your child should be with you. Maybe even to alternate weeks with your WW. Just because she has things worked out in a way that's convenient to you both right now, doesn't mean it won't end up biting you on the butt later.

[Gunny376]

I still think you should get an attorney's opinion on that, Matt. You're setting yourself up for accepting less than 50/50 on custody. You'll end up paying her child support at this rate, and if she's able to pick your pockets from off-premises... she's got less incentive to come home.

 

Talk to a lawyer.

It might be better to provide after-school care on the days when your child should be with you. Maybe even to alternate weeks with your WW. Just because she has things worked out in a way that's convenient to you both right now, doesn't mean it won't end up biting you on the butt later.

 

I'm saddling my horse up and riding with LJ on this one Matt. I wouldn't settle for anything less than 50/50 custody. Not to get out of paying child support, because its the right thing for you, and its the right thing for your son. The preception coming across the screen here is that you're not one of those Dad's that believes parenthood ends at conception. And, remeber everything you say and do ~ can and will be used against you in court.

 

And, while we're on that subject ~ I want you to think about something. Everytime you go to court ~ someone is going to lose something. How much you lose depends very much upon what you do day to day.

 

I want to see you take a more pro-active sense in all of this. You are in control of you! You are in control of your life! You make the decisions about your life! You are the one that makes the decision about your life!

You are the one that decides what to put in and to take out. You are the one that's in the driver's seat. And your son isn't just her son, he's yours as well. And, if she's got a problem with that then that's what it is ~ her problems.

 

Where is it written in stone ~ that the woman/wife/mother gets to make all the decisions about what's what and what's not? Me? I go for full custody! What's she going to do? Shave your head and make you enlist in the Marines and send you on a combat tour to Iraq? Use foul language? Leave you? Divorce you?

 

She's already played her trump card ~ and she's out of gas on an un-paved backroad in the middle of New Mexico in August.

 

She wants out ~ fine! Get out! But, I wouldn't make it easy on her. I wouldn't go out of my way to make her life miserable either. But, if I were you, I would be letting her know ~ you want out, fine! But with that goes a lot of things. Its a cold and cruel world out there, with a lot of not so nice people just waiting outside your front door to jump on your like a pack of dogs on a three legged cat ~ just to see the look on your face? And, Matt's not going to be there to pick you up off the floor.

 

I'm all about my children. They're both grown and on their own, and I've raised them to be self supporting and independent. And should the need ever arise ~ damn right ~ I'd take them back end with the understanding from day one that we're working on an exit stragety. And that's the way it has to be ~ because Daddy's not always going to be around.

 

She's ran home to Mommie and Daddy. Because life got tough ~ well you know what Life is tough. Its tough and a struggle no matter who you are.

From what you've written and posted ~ she sounds like a spoiled little girl. Who quits whenever the going gets rough. That was my XW (I'm trying hard not to project here) but whenever it got too rough, too tough, she just quit and walked away. Wished I had that option. But, I don't. I've got me, myself, and I, and that's it!

 

I don't have a whole lot of sympathy for these kind of people. Life's tough! Its hard! Its so not fair! And, its a struggle no matter who you are! You're looking for sympathy (not you Matt) look it up in the dictionary between "sh*t and slyiphiss *sic*)

[MattN]

I definaltly plan on doing that but I guess I don't know how one tries and goes for 50/50 when theres 7 days in a week but again I will ask an attorney what my options are.

[RecordProducer]

she says she doesn't want to give me hope so not to think of it as a seperation but as it being final.

As a divorced (dumped) woman, I can tell you you better believe this is her final decision. Not giving up and hoping will only make it harder on you, but she isn't coming back, regardless of why she left.

 

She has sent mixed signals

They always do.

 

I guess I'm justing having a hard time dealing with it all and especially since there has been no closure and probably never will and I just feel betrayed and abandoned

To hit your head off the wall a thousand times in a search of answers will only leave you with a headache. The answers will come much later in life when you realize that this was better for both of you. I spent days and nights hoping, writing down the mixed signals, calling in the middle of the night, crying, and fantasizing about getting back together... but slowly I started realizing that he didn't love me, that the marriage was not good, and that the fact that it was cut in the root (after only a couple years) didn't make it more eligible for reconciliation, as time went by and nothing was happening.

 

I learned to live without him, I learned to feel good without him, and I finally (5 years after we split) re-married another man and am really content with my new marriage. My ex-husband never re-married or progressed in any aspect. His life just went downward and I can't even imagine being with him now. I would have been very unhappy with him. Were you actually happy with your wife? you know, it took me a couple years after the ex and I split for me to realize that I actually was not happy with him at all. I was very unhappy all the time.

 

I guess I really don't know where to go from here, I know I need to be strong for my son and I will be its just very hard.

You need to accept the fact that it's over, be strong, and move on. With time you will get over and your life will become better. It won't take long before you find yourself in a new loving relationship and feel stable and happy. This marriage is dead; bury it in your heart and mind and start from there. You'll be fine. I promise!

[Ladyjane14]

Not to get out of paying child support, because its the right thing for you, and its the right thing for your son.

 

Agreed. It's not that he should be motivated by avoiding child support, it's just that it's not fair that this guy should have his whole life disrupted because the wife flaked. If she wants to play... let her pay.

 

I've met a couple of guys who kept the family home and primary custody of the kids. Their attitude was simple.... Why should they lose what's important to them just because Miss Thing plays the "I'm not knee-slappin' happy enough" card?

 

There's nothing here that can't be worked out. But if he rolls over, he'll be paying out the nose... both financially and emotionally for years on end IMO.

[MattN]

Right its not that I'm trying to get out of child support but I want to take care of my son and be with him as much as possible. I am fully capable of caring for him and I won't accept less then 50%.

 

The plan when he starts school on the 28 is for me to get him wend/fri/sat every week but I'm gonna tell her that we are gonna have to alternate mondays every other week so then it will be 3 days one week and 4 days the next and that should be 50/50.

 

She acts now like she is gonna need money from me for our son because shes living at home and can't manage her money with all the bills she doesn't have? Not gonna happen I'm tellin you I have all the bills of the house and him also so thats gonna be her parents problem not mine.

 

I'm not gonna roll over and she is gonna quickly find out that her decision also means shes gonna have 50% less time with our son because I'm not gonna be a weekend dad.

[Ladyjane14]

She acts now like she is gonna need money from me for our son because shes living at home and can't manage her money with all the bills she doesn't have? Not gonna happen I'm tellin you I have all the bills of the house and him also so thats gonna be her parents problem not mine.

 

Take him back-to-school shopping yourself and get him what he needs. If you've never been a 'receipt keeper'.... NOW is the time to start.

 

And if Miss Thing holds her hand out, smile to her sweetly and remind her she's got a home to come to. As long as you're doing 50% or better with your kid... she's not got much of a legitimate complaint. She'd have to take you to court and get a judgement against you to get money.

 

Never forget though that until you make other arrangements, she can be all over town.... running up debt in BOTH of your names.

[MattN]

So she tells me shes coming over yesturday to get the rest of her stuff and while she is at the house I'm not bothering her but just checking to see what she is taking. I pretty much told her to take whatever so she leaves almost 2 hours later but I still find stuff in the closet like her coats etc. Like how long are you gonna prolong this I'm thinking so I know I'm gonna have to box up the rest of her crap. She told me we will have to go over our pictures later and I said thats fine but any pictures of us wedding, vacations etc I will be keeping so we really only need to go over pics of our son.

 

When she is upstairs her mom tells me that I'm gonna need to help her with our son because she is only gonna be able to so much. I'm like I don't see how thats my problem I have our son just as much as she does and I need to provide for him here and take care of all the bills she basicly left me with. If he needs a pair of shoes or whatever then I'll split them with her or something but other then that its not my problem and pretty much ended it at that. Shes in for a big surprise if she thinks I'm gonna roll over.

 

I'll know alot more once I talk to a lawyer this week and find out what I need to do from here but I will not settle for less then 50% of my son. I'm not saying I'm gonna try and pull custody from her but I'll see my options. Hmm I can provide a nice home for him and his own room etc and she has him stuffed in a small bedroom with her and she has no plans of getting her own place.

 

Then I found out she called my 16yr old daughter last week and told her she would pick her up today(sunday) and maybe goto the mall. So when I go to pick my son up today at 1pm of course she hasn't even got ready for the day yet and as I'm at my car ready to leave her mom (she walked with my son out) told me yeah we called your daughter today and told her we would get her some friday so she can spend the night here. I gave her a look of like WTF? I didn't say anything because I didn't want to make a scene in front of my son but WTF is up with that? Why stay in contact with my daughter and why make plans with her just to break them?

 

I know my daughter calls her mom now but seriously shes not gonna be around anymore so why keep in contact with her? I don't know whats going on in this womans head anymore shes done but she apparently doesn't know what that is and Mr Reality is gonna be paying her a few more trips. Its sad really because despite any of her faults I do love her but I need to protect myself and move forward but nothing she is doing makes any sense.

 

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger I guess.

[norajane]

Don't forget to talk to your lawyer about those credit cards your wife is using at the mall. You don't want to be responsible for the bills she's racking up while you're separated.

[Gunny376]

To hit your head off the wall a thousand times in a search of answers will only leave you with a headache.

 

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

 

Who volenteers for this kind of stuff?

[Ladyjane14]

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

 

Who volenteers for this kind of stuff?

 

Wait.... I think that was ME, posting on a super-long thread in the Infidelity section!!!

[Ladyjane14]

Btw Matt, don't forget that your situation is not necessarily hopeless. You want to stick to your guns when it comes to financing your wife's poor decisions, that's true. But remember to keep it pleasant. You're just a guy doing what he needs to do. No harm. No Foul.

 

Keeping your attitude positive and your overall demeanor ATTRACTIVE... buys you both TIME to think this thing through.

[Mz. Pixie]

Here is another one who says you need to be getting your son more.

 

Here is the schedule that we use. On Fridays I pick my kids up at daycare. They are with me until Monday- then he gets one night. Then they are back with me until Friday- at which he picks them up from daycare. Then I get one night during his week. That way they see the other parent at least every 3-4 days.

 

If she's living at her parents and not paying rent she shouldn't need your financial support! Any time someone tells you that, gently remind them that she has a home to come home to and she can- whenever she's ready but that since she's living with mommy and daddy you'll make sure your son has what he needs at your home- and she can make sure he has what he needs at their home.

 

Right now, she's using you as her weekend babysitter- which isn't right. If she has to stay home a bit on her weekend that might curtail her partying and having a good time, eh?? Not that you don't want to be with your kids- but make it more fair for yourself. You deserve a free weekend too!

 

Talk to the attorney and let us know what he says!

[Lor]

On a side note, your daughter is 16. Its up to her if she wants to keep contact or not, step-mom or not, not you to decide for her. That is her little brother, step-, half-; doesn't matter.

 

If your W calls your daughter, its up to HER to decide if she wants to go or not. Don't try to control this or it'll backfire on you. In your defense, your W should have at least asked you your opinion first.....

 

my 2 cents.

[bkz]

On a side note, your daughter is 16. Its up to her if she wants to keep contact or not, step-mom or not, not you to decide for her. That is her little brother, step-, half-; doesn't matter.

 

If your W calls your daughter, its up to HER to decide if she wants to go or not. Don't try to control this or it'll backfire on you. In your defense, your W should have at least asked you your opinion first.....

 

my 2 cents.

 

Lor, im not too sure this is accurate? From what I understand......until HIS daughter is 18 the step parent has NO parental rights to her unless its ok'd through him. I could be wrong but what ive read on step childred this is the case.

 

Matt, my visitation with my kids is:

I get them on Sunday at 3 PM till I drop them at school/daycare on Tuesday morning.

She picks them up from school/daycare on Tuesday and I get them back Friday after school/daycare till Sunday at 3 PM. and back and forth.

Its exactly 50% and works out as every other weekend.

Since my kids are school age I will be requesting week on week off in court and from what I understand thats something the courts (at least in calif.) encourage with 50/50.

 

I made up a schedule and gave a copy to my STBX, her parents, the kids teachers and my work to make sure it was in righting and EVERYONE knew who/were the kids would be. The more organized you stay and the more you put in righting on the custody stuff the better. She will have to pretty much be in agreement at this point on the custody of your son. The only thing she could possibley do is try and get a court order for temporary custody but im not sure she'll be able to.

 

Remember if this does go to divorce, when you file you should file for full custody. Whether you get it or not is gonna be up to a judge but once you file for joint you cant go back and ask for full so your better off going for the whole thing to start with, thats what I did.

 

Like someone mentioned here. Go school shopping for you son and take care of his stuff for when you have him. Its her responsibillity to make sure hes taken care of when she has him, no going halvzeez on stuff!!! Your stuff is yours for him and her stuff is hers. I took my kids (all 3 of them) back to school shopping and got them all hair cuts, back packs, lunch boxes, cloths and everything else they need even umbrellas. Also like suggested before, keep the reiciepts.

 

Hope you doing ok? You seem to be handleing things well with her getting her stuff out and all, that had to be hard for you.

[Lor]

bkz, that may be the legal aspect of it but the human aspect is his daughter and her feelings. She may want to continue the contact and 16 is old enough to make that kind of decision. Take the parents out of the scenario and remember her little brother and his feelings, too.

 

As far as splitting everything halfway, what is the harm in that? My stbX and I have 50/50, Mon to Mon, and we are splitting the cost of everything from school to clothes to activity fees. There's no child support involved this way. I pay for haircuts, the next time he does. I bought school clothes, let my kids pick out 1 for dad, 1 for mom, 1 for dad, etc...and that way we don't send clothes back and forth either, just what they wear on Mondays. I'm not taking care of doing this stuff for my H but for my kids so they have what they need.

 

Maybe my situation is friendlier but it sounds like Matt's is heading down the path to bitterness. And with kids involved, it doesn't need to be that way, if you are both adults about it.

[bkz]

Lor, your absolutely right about his daughters feeling being most important in this. Guess I just think of things from a legal aspect cause of my situation and I do see his heading down the same sorta path like you mentioned (not civil).

 

I agree that best thing for the kids is to be adults but I apperantley didnt marry nor am I getting divorced from one at this point, oh well!!!!

[Lor]

Lor, your absolutely right about his daughters feeling being most important in this. Guess I just think of things from a legal aspect cause of my situation and I do see his heading down the same sorta path like you mentioned (not civil).

 

I agree that best thing for the kids is to be adults but I apperantley didnt marry nor am I getting divorced from one at this point, oh well!!!!

 

Its sad when a divorce gets bitter--the kids are the ones who suffer for it, and they didn't cause it. Mom and Dad are gonna start arguing over little Johnny's clothes and school supplies? Get a grip!

 

I thought I'd married an adult, but at least I am one.....

[norajane]

Mom and Dad are gonna start arguing over little Johnny's clothes and school supplies? Get a grip!

 

Part of the point is that his wife is wanting out of this marriage because she's 'not in love' and may be expecting life on the other side to be all rosy while he continues to support the all of them. A little dose of reality on what it takes to support two households when she has to pay for some of it might be good to wake her from her fantasy.

[MattN]

I'm not bitter and I have been very reserved in what I say I usually just agree with her. I talked to her today about doing the 4 on 1 week and 3 on the next week with our son and she agreed. Its not easy being this way but one of us has to have some sense and its obviously not her. I think shes going through some kinda crisis or something wants to be free and see whats shes missing but who knows really I just need to start accepting shes not coming back. Well fine I'll move on eventually (pretend most of the time) but my main focus is my son. I have an appt with a lawyer just to see my options tomorrow but from what I have read it doesn't look good for me in the state of Indiana.

 

I told her today that she doesn't need support from me because we will be splitting everything and I have to buy food for him when he is with me etc and anything else he needs for when he is here or school I'll buy it myself and she is pretty much on her own and she agreed.

 

One of the things she wanted from the house is this very nice sleigh bed we bought thats worth over a grand. Its really nice and I know shes was probably gonna sell it to the first person who offered her money so I tricked her and told her that depending on how much she wants my mom may know someone interested. She immediatly jumped and said oh $200 I was like OMG for that price let me check my finances and I'll see if I can swing it so she jips herself down and tells me oh I'll sell it to you for $100

 

Umm okay you need money that bad? Sold!!!

 

I love that bed...

 

Shes not like causing me any problems really but of course I'm upset over what she has done but hey if that makes her happy and the grass is greener then so be it I'll eventually really move on and find someon who appreciates me and it wasn't a complete failure because I have a wonderful son from the marriage..

[Gunny376]

is to set precedance. What goes on now ~ often determines what comes out of the divorce court. A sort of pre-divorce trial run ~ that's what Lady Jane has been trying to get across.

 

I was reading Devil Dog's saga ~ and one of the things that's come up was Brithday, and holidays such as Halloween, which was not spelled out in the original divorce decree and now they're (or have by this time) going to go back to court.

 

Law is established one of three ways ~ common law, which stems from hundreds of years of Old English Law, (except Lousiana whose common law stems from Napoleoniac law) legislative law, and statutory law. Legislative law is passed by legislature or Congress of course and then signed into law by the Governor or President.

 

Statutory law arises out of court cases. Thus it use to be legal to shoot and kill your spouse and their lover in Texas, in so long as you shot and killed both of them. If you just shot and killed one of them, it was murder or manslaughter.

 

There is statutory law on the books, whereby step-parents can sue for not only visitation, but custody. I personally had a bud of mine in the Marines that went through this in the State of Ohio.

 

In the State of Neveda, the non-custodial, non-adoptive, step-parent can be compelled to pay child support for the step-children, if the biological equivalent of that step-parent cannot be located and compelled. I believe this is both statutory and legislative law.

 

In so far as going 50/50, that's fine. If both parties are and act and behave like two mature adults, and the child support is actually being spent on the children and not on Mommy's new Mustang.

 

Locally, I know a 38 year old woman who's getting child support for two children by her first husband, three by her second, and just got pregno by another man not her husband. Figuring roughly 20% of net income for each child x 5, we're talkiing the equivalent of another full time job. Mama looks fine, has her hair and nails ($30 a pop) done each week, goes to the tanning bed regularly. Meanwhile the kids dress like a poster child for Goodwill store and eat a regular diet of Oddles of Noodles, and their eyes are starting to turn slant-eyed.

 

Hawiai got it right when they set up their child support laws. All child support check go through the family court. The custodial parent gets a check for about 2/3's of the amount for food, housing, groceries, etc. The rest goes into a high yield interest bearing account. The CS needs money, they tell the Clerk of The Court, they cut a check, they mail in the receipts. Whatever money is in the account over and above, goes toward the child's after HS education. If there isn't any after HS education ~ it goes back to the father.

 

Part of the problem with child support, is that its mathematically skeewed. The wife rents a $900 three bedroom place, has two children ~ you think that the way to do it would be to divide it three ways.

 

But the difference between renting a one bedroom, two bedroom, over a three bedroom is an incremental increase in cost. Thus ~ while you could get a three bedroom for $900, a two bedroom goes for $800, and a one bedroom goes for $700. So the incremental increase in cost from a one bedroom to a three bedroom is $200 ~ not $300.

[Mz. Pixie]

Locally, I know a 38 year old woman who's getting child support for two children by her first husband, three by her second, and just got pregno by another man not her husband. Figuring roughly 20% of net income for each child x 5, we're talkiing the equivalent of another full time job. Mama looks fine, has her hair and nails ($30 a pop) done each week, goes to the tanning bed regularly. Meanwhile the kids dress like a poster child for Goodwill store and eat a regular diet of Oddles of Noodles, and their eyes are starting to turn slant-eyed.

 

 

That's terrible. And it pisses me off. The lady in question is making it hard on the rest of us that have had to work our asses off to support our kids and who are being punished by their ex's because "you wanted to leave". Well I don't need a damn thing from ya-jerky- but your kids certainly deserve support-especially considering you make three times what I do!

[Lor]

from what I have read it doesn't look good for me in the state of Indiana.

 

Don't know what you've been reading but Indiana is a no-fault state, which means nearly everything is 50/50. Check out the in(dot)gov/judiciary/selfservice website for advice, forms, legal assistance, so on....they have forms on there for child support also. What would happen with your house is say, you paid $50k for it before you were married, now it's appraised at $75k--your wife is entitled to half of the difference (ie: $25k / 2 = $12.5k).

 

 

Norajane, I'm not saying that she shouldn't pay her share--I'm saying they should both pay equally for the child. Mommy wants a new Mustang? She pays for it herself. Daddy wants a new big screen? Fine, he pays for it himself. Johnny needs braces? Mom and Dad both pay equally. Johnny needs new shoes, pony-up, both of you.

 

Getting back to your daughter again--don't know if your feelings have changed on her keeping contact or not but, you can't expect her to turn her feelings off for the woman she's called Mom for the past 10 years. You want to pull her away and into your corner and that's wrong. You need to separate the kids from your W. Put the shoe on the other foot; if she was your step-daughter, you'd helped raise her for 10 years and all of a sudden W says nope, no more, she's not your daughter, your parents aren't her grandparents.....think of the damage that would do to a child.

[MattN]

No I have no problems with her keeping in contact with her but I don't want her calling up and telling her shes gonna get her to do this and that and then never do it like she has been. She called her last week and told her she would get her sunday and goto the mall. So she calls her sunday and tells her that now she will get her on a friday and she can come over and stay the night. So will see come friday but its an ongoing thing..