everlong Posted October 13, 2006 Share Posted October 13, 2006 Haven't read this whole thread yet but wanted to comment on Lori's post #31 "If she said that you wouldn't open your eyes till she left, then that's what happened. Sometimes that's what it takes. And you're right; sometimes its too late by that point but its never too late to step up to the plate." Just thought I would add something in here because my situation was similar. When I was with my ex, she worked really hard to get me out of my depression and she realized that wasn't working so the only other option was to let me do the 'fixing' myself. And sometimes I think we both have forgotten that part, and let everything else over shadow the fact that DOING THAT WAS THE RIGHT DECISION. things that happened because and during that are cause and effect stuff but the main thing we wanted to accomplish [both getting healthy again] we actually have done. anyhoooooooooooooooo...lol Link to post Share on other sites
KieraM Posted October 19, 2006 Share Posted October 19, 2006 Hi Matt. I hope things get better for your son. It must be hard for you to see him go through this. Just know that you've done everything right by him. Don't dwell on the wife. It sounds like your wife is really sheltered by her parents. My parents were kinda like that. They sheltered and helped me and did so much for me, I didn't know how to help myself. I had to hit rock bottom, in a situation that my parents could't fix, before I learned to help myself. Maybe serving her the papers will make her open her eyes. Matt, you just take care of yourself and your son. You just keep on doing the best that you can and trust that everything else will work itself out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MattN Posted October 23, 2006 Author Share Posted October 23, 2006 Thanks Kiera I have been doing much better lately. I don't worry about what shes doing or not doing anymore and am focusing on myself and my son. I finally got out and got some new clothes and have been getting out more. I'm not really sure if anything will snap her back into reality. I can sit here and think of just about anything to explain how this has happened or maybe what I have done wrong but I truly believe I could have done everything right and would still be in the same situation. She completly acts like we never exsisted and we are best friends when it comes to our son which I will admit I am very thankful she is very thoughtful and keeps me involved and gives me no problems about our 50/50 split. Although I know it has alot to do with the fact that she enjoys the time away from him so she can hang out and have fun. Theres many situations in the past, present, future and even on how she left where she is clearly not putting our sons bests interest first so I really had no chance. I have 5 yrs of stuff our son has made over the years that we kept and she hasn't even mentioned it. She never came by and split family pics so I just went ahead and did it and kept all the family, wedding,vac pics and just split the rest of him etc the best I could. Leaving me in fine etc but my god this is your son and his stuff and he is only young once so I just wish she would get her head and ass wired together for him. I'm not saying shes a bad mother by any means because she is a great mother but she doesn't put him first anymore like she used to before the paxil. Kiera your also very correct about her parents and them sheltering her which has only worked to my advantage in the sense that she asks less from me and I know my son is safe there. So we'll see how that works out for her. Everything really changed with her towards myself and our son after she got on the paxil and the doctor just keeps writing the prescription for her. I wish I would have been on that more and made her get help but she always acted like it was working etc. Link to post Share on other sites
poodlelover5 Posted October 23, 2006 Share Posted October 23, 2006 I am so sorry.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MattN Posted November 2, 2006 Author Share Posted November 2, 2006 Well she got the certified papers last week from me filing. I kinda felt she was being short with me and I guess thats why. I was talking to her mom about Gage Monday and she mentioned that the papers came to the house last week but nobody was home and she still needed to take her down to the post office to pick them up. Not sure why her mom needs to take her down there but I didn't say anything except that this is what she wanted and I'm moving on with or without her and she just needs to sign the papers and get it done with. I would say since Monday my WW has been pretty nice to me. Not that she wasn't before but now she seems to actually enjoy talking to me. She laughs and actually trys to just be involved in talking with me and our son. I'm not reading into too much or anything just something I noticed. We had our first counseling session for our son on Wednesday and we met there since it was his evaluation. He is doing fine really and not having too many problems just a few things here and there. We agree mostly on everything so the questions went pretty fast. Although I didn't expect questions to be about the split but I can see why the counselor would need to know. She eventually asked my WW if theres any chance, hope of reconsiliation and she mummbles i dunno what with a mummbled no at the end or something. Again I'm not reading too much into anything but its hard not to notice those things. I had to leave for a bathroom break since it was the end and when I came back the lady is telling her that she can not counsel her individually because she can only do families or children and she would have to go across the street at the adult center and she could get her the info. I didn't say anything of course because its not my business. It is nice to know that she is trying to talk to someone. Like I said I'm not expecting her to come back but she does need to talk to someone for herself and for our son. I'm doing pretty good and just keeping myself busy and taking care of my son. The house is pretty big so it can be tiring but well worth it..I know I deserve better and won't allow myself to be treated this way. I know its her lose and if it was meant to be then it would have been. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted November 2, 2006 Share Posted November 2, 2006 Like I said I'm not expecting her to come back I have a sneaky feeling that when she has her "freedom" and she sees you enjoying herself, she will be back. Unfortunately, you may no longer be interested. I have been following your story. Hang in there. I can only imagine the pain you must be going through. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MattN Posted November 6, 2006 Author Share Posted November 6, 2006 I dunno as much as I would like to believe that I can't. I'm sure everyone else is right and there is someone else shes just hiding him very well for right now. Which doesn't make a lot of sense to me but the holidays are coming up so I'm sure that will change.. Its been 3 months and nothing has changed . If anything it seems to have gotten worse if thats possible. She so desensitized to everything I just don't understand why she isn't open about getting the papers just go down pick them up sign them and tell me she did. She wants me to move on and sending that clear message would help. I just assumed she would at least tell me she got the papers or something you know usually when you find someone else your in a hurry to end things with the other person. It would make it easier for me to move on. Hell she was the one that told me she would file but yet I still had to do it. It wouldn't surprise me in the least if shes stalling to try and change her mind about the 50/50 split we have with our son. I just don't want it to get ugly thats all. I know we will always be co-parents but shes not thinking clearly if she thinks our relationship is gonna stay how it is now. Her mom and I are the ones that mostly take care of him financially as it is now. I do everything I can to move forward, keep my mind off of her but sometimes I feel that for every step I move forward I take 2 steps back. I just need this divorce to be done to help me realize that its over so I can stop hanging onto hope that isn't there. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted November 6, 2006 Share Posted November 6, 2006 I just read your post and the best thing I can offer you, is next time she calls or you see her just tell her 'If you ever want to talk, I'm here'. Then just leave it at that. That at least gives her the opportunity to talk to you if she wants to. It shows that you are not hostile towards her and you are 'still there' for her in certain ways. Just keep going the route you are, what you are doing is make her *think* which is the most important part. It's to the point that she wants counseling for herself. She's at least giving herself the opportunity to get her head on straight. You both are way in front of alot of couples on here who are in this situation. Until she admits that she has a problem nothing will change, I think she has though and knows what she needs to do. I don't know what the future holds for you, but take this time as well and do some soul-searching, go way back (months, years) and be honest with yourself on what you did wrong in this marriage. The blame is not all on her. Whenver she confronts you about what you did wrong, the best thing to say is 'I understand', since anytime you try to convince her otherwise she won't hear any of that. What she'll hear is 'He still doesn't get it, he won't listen or understand so he'll never change'. You might have to bite your tongue very very hard, but that's something you need to do. Read my link in my signature, it might help. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MattN Posted November 9, 2006 Author Share Posted November 9, 2006 Well I talked to a mutual friend that lives in florida and my wife called her at a few weeks after she left and they didn't get too much time to talk but she told her she was unhappy and she had been talking to a 'friend'.. So that pretty much sums everything up and it all makes sense now. She just doesn't have the balls to come out and tell me herself. What a coward!!! I sure am glad I filed for divorce and didn't chase after her and look like a fool..I'm not gonna give her the satisfaction of telling her I know shes gonna have to do that herself. At least I know for sure now and I can stop wondering. Sure I'm pissed off beyond no extent but I know I have to be civil for my son and be the bigger person. This is not my fault she decided to turn away from me and go outside the marriage. Instead of turning away from me she should have turned towards me. I hope its all worth it to her and she is happy. How selfish Everything happens for a reason and whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Maybe when she talks to the counselor if she can go over how happy she is. Link to post Share on other sites
Billy Bob Posted November 9, 2006 Share Posted November 9, 2006 Matt, Good for you, filing the divorce papers puts you in control of the process... Maybe she will default on the papers? I'm in a similar situation. Be very very nice to her until the divorce is final, play smart, don't confront her about her special "friend", act depressed and wanting her back.... at least until you get the divorce papers finalized hopefully in your favor. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer! Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted November 9, 2006 Share Posted November 9, 2006 Matt, I'm sorry that I ended up being right. Take care of yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Rooster_DAR Posted November 9, 2006 Share Posted November 9, 2006 Well I talked to a mutual friend that lives in florida and my wife called her at a few weeks after she left and they didn't get too much time to talk but she told her she was unhappy and she had been talking to a 'friend'.. So that pretty much sums everything up and it all makes sense now. She just doesn't have the balls to come out and tell me herself. What a coward!!! I sure am glad I filed for divorce and didn't chase after her and look like a fool..I'm not gonna give her the satisfaction of telling her I know shes gonna have to do that herself. At least I know for sure now and I can stop wondering. Sure I'm pissed off beyond no extent but I know I have to be civil for my son and be the bigger person. This is not my fault she decided to turn away from me and go outside the marriage. Instead of turning away from me she should have turned towards me. I hope its all worth it to her and she is happy. How selfish Everything happens for a reason and whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Maybe when she talks to the counselor if she can go over how happy she is. She will come sniffing around again I bet. Sounds to me she has some issues to deal with. You deserver better, and sounds to me like you are on the right track. My EX has not come back around and wants to reconcile not, but she is still in a relationship with the guy she had/having an affair with. Seems like there is way too much of this in today's world. Good luck.! Link to post Share on other sites
Author MattN Posted November 10, 2006 Author Share Posted November 10, 2006 Ok I couldn't keep my mouth shut. I said something to her and to make a long story short she is trying to go with she just 'happen' to meet the guy after she left me because she has at least admited she is dating someone. It was just a coincidence that it happened after she left. It amazes me cheaters keep up the lies even after they are busted. She really expects me to believe that. She can't even admit it and it makes me sick. I can't count how many times I called her a coward. I feel sooo much better now that it is out in the open and she knows I know. One day shes gonna have to fess up.. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted November 10, 2006 Share Posted November 10, 2006 One day shes gonna have to fess up.. Nah, sorry, probably not. And why should you care?? She doesn't want to be with you- okay- now you'll be free to find someone who does. People do bad things and sometimes bad things to do not come back to them-they end up being really happy. That is the way life is. Instead of focusing on her, start focusing on yourself and you son. On being the best person and father you can be. Join the gym- exercise- get out and meet people (not to date just to have fun). Work on you, so that when the time comes you can find someone worthy of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted November 10, 2006 Share Posted November 10, 2006 Quit wasting your time and energy on this woman ~ she's a loser. Life's just too damn short! Link to post Share on other sites
Author MattN Posted February 1, 2007 Author Share Posted February 1, 2007 Wow I can't believe its been almost 3 months since my last post..Update..We went to court November 24 and I got temp 50/50 joint/shared custody where we both have equal say and time in everything.Since I make so much more then her I had to agree to $300 child support a month. She did not get any spousal suppport(nor did she ask for it). All this stuff is temporary of course until the divorce is final. Now all I have left to do is we need to have a 4-way conference call with her and her lawyer and get the papers drawn up. Plus we also have to goto 1 parenting class together(its a law here)..Has any of those 2 simple things been done since Nov 24? Nope....Shes obviously stalling it out and I don't know why probably my health insurance but at this point it doesnt matter to me I just want her legally out of my life off my insurance and everything.Frankly her new boyfriend can have her and all that comes with it..Other then that things are exactly the same except I'm actually pushing for this divorce......The problems I'm starting to have is more with her and our son and thats the only thing thats my business anyway and the only thing I worry about when it comes to her now. I was sooo mad at her at x-mas because she didn't even take him to see Santa. I picked him up from her mom and dads and she told me she was taking him that weekend but as we are driving down the road he is almost crying because he didn't get to see Santa. So of course I immediatly took him to the mall and waited in line for 2 hrs so he could see Santa.How in the world can you not take your only child to see Santa?....He doesn't even like to go over there anymore and is always asking me who is picking him up from school etc and if he isn't coming home with me he gets mad and starts talking about hating it over there etc etc Kinda sad but I can't force her to do things with him.......I have dated a few times and while its kinda fun I'm actually much happier just being single and by myself and focusing on my son. I think as long as I get myself in order etc love will come naturally so no need to force it..I called my lawyer the other day and told him to get on her lawyer about this conference call because I want this divorce final ASAP......I just want to tell everyone that told me to file for divorce immediatly THANK YOU!!!!!....That was the smartest thing I ever did and while my custody and all that is only temp it will pretty much take an act from God for her to go in and try to take 50/50 custody from me.I think back 6months ago and I am so glad I didn't chase her and make myself look like a fool and while I still have a long road ahead of me its not as bumpy as I thought it would be......oh and I have tried putting spaces in my paragraphs but they won't take so sorry for it being hard to read it must be my work internet or something.. Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted February 2, 2007 Share Posted February 2, 2007 oh and I have tried putting spaces in my paragraphs but they won't take so sorry for it being hard to read it must be my work internet or something.. hehe you need the enter key a few times, not spaces It sounds like you've got a lot accomplished! Good job! I dont know why WS say they want a divorce and then take their sweet time getting things done. But I hope it will be over for you soon! It sounds like you've done a great job so far Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted February 2, 2007 Share Posted February 2, 2007 Thanks for the update, Matt. It's good to hear that things are working out for you. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 2, 2007 Share Posted February 2, 2007 Good for you and I wish you and your son a happy life. Good riddance to bad rubbish! Link to post Share on other sites
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