bkloos Posted August 14, 2006 Share Posted August 14, 2006 Hey All, My girlfriend and I have been talking about getting married for some time now. We have looked at rings together so that I could get a good idea of what type/style ring she want... Fortunately, what she wants is quite simple, a single round stone in a basic platinum setting. OK, so far so good! Now the problem. She wants a large stone. Let me add that I am in graduate school, and she is a school teacher in NYC. I make very little money, and don't have the ability to purchase a very big stone. I want to buy her a 1.25-1.5 carat diamond of high quality, which will cost a good amount... She says that she wants 1.7-1.8C, which is entirely out of my price range... So, yesterday I had a talk with her. I told her that if she wanted to get engaged/married soon, that she would have to get the smaller stone, as I can't afford to buy her a 1.75C diamond. She was clearly upset. Furthermore, all of her girlfriends are getting married and I think she wants to do the same. It's almost like a fad with them... Every time she goes home to see her friends she comes back VERY pusshy about marraige. Anyway, I thought that she would tell me to buy what I could afford (a 1.5carat diamond is NOTHING shabby in my mind) and we would continue to plan a future wedding. To my surprise, she asked how long it would take to save up the aditional 8-10K so that she could get a bigger diamond. I told her about 10-12 months, maybe more... She then said, "well, I guess we should wait." Damn! I am really hurt here. It seems to me that this is not about spending our lives together, about the promise to be there for eachother, but more a matter of showing off to her friends (none of which have a ring that big!!!). So, now I am very depressed, and feeling very hurt. I don't know what to do, but I can say that this demonstration of materialism is not something that I find attractive, and a quiality that I don't want in a wife and a mother of my children. So, what should I do? I love her very much, but I am also very hurt right now... Thoughts? Bryan Link to post Share on other sites
superconductor Posted August 14, 2006 Share Posted August 14, 2006 The size of the rock should be completley immaterial to your relationship as a couple. In fact, it probably is. She most likely wants a large hunk'o carbon on her finger so she can one-up all her other friends. Unfortunately, she's letting that competitive drive get in the way of your relationship. I'm sure you love her and want to make her happy. But, if I were in your shoes, I'd be having very serious second thoughts about spending the rest of my life with her. Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted August 14, 2006 Share Posted August 14, 2006 To my surprise, she asked how long it would take to save up the additional 8-10K so that she could get a bigger diamond. The additional 8 to 10,000 dollars?!! AND you're a grad student?! I don't know, but perhaps you should just cool down on the whole idea of marriage. This obsessiveness about a ring is pretty unsavoury. I don't know what to do, but I can say that this demonstration of materialism is not something that I find attractive, and a quality that I don't want in a wife and a mother of my children. Then maybe it's time to rethink your relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted August 14, 2006 Share Posted August 14, 2006 The size of the rock should be completley immaterial to your relationship as a couple. In fact, it probably is. She most likely wants a large hunk'o carbon on her finger so she can one-up all her other friends. Unfortunately, she's letting that competitive drive get in the way of your relationship. I'm sure you love her and want to make her happy. But, if I were in your shoes, I'd be having very serious second thoughts about spending the rest of my life with her. Exactly. Have you told her how it makes you feel? Maybe if you explained that it seems to you that she's more interested in the size of the ring that in you, and that you're questioning whether to marry her at all, she might wake up a little bit. If you MUST get her a big ring to keep her happy and you feel compelled to keep the peace, offer that you get her a ring of lower quality. She can sacrifice size for small imperfections that really can't be seen by the naked eye, or a slight difference in color that she also probably won't notice. BUT, I'm with superconductor. If this is soooo important to her, I'd question whether it's a good idea to marry her in the first place. Frankly, I wouldn't. Link to post Share on other sites
Brittjean06 Posted August 14, 2006 Share Posted August 14, 2006 Marriage does seem to be the latest trend now and days. And like the advice given here I very much agree with revaluating your relationship. Marriage is really serious and its evident she only cares about two things. * what the ring looks like * and how her friends will react to it Please Please rethink things with your " future wife ". I really woulden't care to marry someone who cared more about the stone and what they're friends thought. I think girls are very competitive and when one of a girls girlfriends does something, the Other friend must have to do it too or simply do it better. For validation purposes only Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted August 14, 2006 Share Posted August 14, 2006 -- the bold got screwed up in my post & it won't let me edit, but I think you can figure it out -- Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted August 14, 2006 Share Posted August 14, 2006 Oh wow, that's disgusting! Sorry! Funny, but my husband is a professional who does quite well and we had an argument when we were engaged because he wanted to buy me a diamond and I didn't want a REAL diamond. It's a waste of money. I still proudly wear my very high quality marquis cut 1 carat cubic zirconia with 2 baguettes on the side. Total of 1 1/2 carats set in 14 kt. gold. I've proudly worn it for 12 years almost. No one has ever known or questioned it. I even took it to a jeweler's and he couldn't tell without pulling out the loop thing. What did we do instead of purchasing a real diamond? Took a fabulous European honeymoon that we'll never forget. My husband thanks me to this day for that decision. You've got a spoiled, immature brat on your hands. It might REALLY foreshadow things to come. What if you told her no? Would she cancel the wedding and your whole lives together over the size of her rock? You are SO right to question this type of behavior. I'd put off the wedding. Link to post Share on other sites
Adunaphel Posted August 14, 2006 Share Posted August 14, 2006 I find the whole thing so ridiculous. I don't think that women who would rather have a big ring are necessarily materialistic... or are necessarily deeply lost in Fairyland, but while one thing is asking for a big stone when your fiancè has money to trow away (and will spend a lot on himself), or when she has been spending/will be spending a lot of money on her partner or on the marriage herself, asking for an overly expensive jewel in such a situation makes your gf sound very self centered. If I were a guy and in your situation I'd be certainly hurt and upset! So she decided that she'd rather wait. If while you wait you change your mind about marrying her, I guess that would be her problem. Any idea why she would like to flash such an expensive stone? Could it be related to her cultural background? (in some countries it's traditionally the women's family that pays for all the wedding expenses, while the guy pays for the ring and very little else). Are her parents very rich? or she just feeds one romance novels? Perhaps she is just so insecure and is so unlucky in the friends department that she needs to flash a big ring? Link to post Share on other sites
destination_unknown Posted August 14, 2006 Share Posted August 14, 2006 Ugh, that type of money is disgusting to expect from a grad student. I'm sorry, but this is one of the things I will get on a soap box about. Commitment in a relationship should not depend on the material. This would be a big red flag for me. Will she leave if she isn't happy with the square footage of the house your breaking your back at work everyday to afford? I understand that many little girls have precise ideas about their wedding, the ring the dress etc (k, I've never had them so I don't truly understand) but does that mean she just wants her dream wedding day or that she wants a lifetime shared with you? Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted August 14, 2006 Share Posted August 14, 2006 Oo, just thought of another option. You can suggest that if it's that important to her to have a specific size ring, perhaps she can pay for the extra $8-10k, while you cover the rest. Or converse to what Touche did - offer to cancel the honeymoon (or have her pay for it) so you can pay for the ring. Marriage is a team effort, right? Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted August 14, 2006 Share Posted August 14, 2006 You are the prize to be valued, not a ring. If she doesn't feel that way, then you might wish to rethink your situation. She sounds very young or very shallow if she values someone in dollar signs. Link to post Share on other sites
genegri Posted August 14, 2006 Share Posted August 14, 2006 if she wants a big diamond that bad, maybe she should work hard and save up the extra 8 to 10k Link to post Share on other sites
Craig Posted August 14, 2006 Share Posted August 14, 2006 Bryan, you should run from this woman. But if you insist on 'trying' to make things work then do a search on synthetic diamonds. They are real diamonds but man made and cheap like dirt. I've heard that 9/10 gemologists can not tell if it's real or synthetic. If a gemologist can't tell the difference then she isn't going to be able to tell the difference either. And it will be a REAL diamond. But really you should run from this woman. She's wants to get married for reasons that will not provide comfort to either of you in just a few years. Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted August 14, 2006 Share Posted August 14, 2006 If a gemologist can't tell the difference then she isn't going to be able to tell the difference either. And it will be a REAL diamond. I was just having a discussion about synthetic diamonds last night. You need some kind of mass-spectrometer(?) to determine if they're real or not. Apparently the crystalline structure is different, too uniform or some such thing. Mining companies are trying to enact some kind of code to make all synthetic diamonds stamped so that they are easily identifiable. Back on topic - yes, run. This time without the bold: The additional 8 to 10,000 dollars?!! AND you're a grad student?! I don't know, but perhaps you should just cool down on the whole idea of marriage. This obsessiveness about a ring is pretty unsavoury. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted August 15, 2006 Share Posted August 15, 2006 i find it surprising that she (well it sounds like it) expects you to pay for the ring. Is she paying for your wedding band? Why can't you pay for it together? Or upgrade at some point in the future..... if it's that important to her. The ring shouldn't be the important thing but the person and the relationship. I think you need to have a talk to her, serious one, about materialism and why exactly she wants to get married. Hell maybe even do those 100 question books and find out if you're really on the same page as each other. I would want to pay for half of my engagement ring (i think - not engaged so can't tell exactly how i'd feel) and I'd also like to have some choice in it - but that's because I'm particular about my jewellery not because I didn't love the guy. I'd want him to choose his wedding band too... you need to tell her that your hurt by her actions and why your hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted August 15, 2006 Share Posted August 15, 2006 She might not even realize how selfish she sounds and if/when it hits her it will surprise her. Some women have a dream/fantasy that they've had since they were children and when they are that close to realizing it - common sense, compassion and logical thought can go out the window. It doesn't mean she is necessarily a totally selfish person. Peer pressure can play a huge part too. We all try not to care what others think, but if one's friends and/or family are making negative commets it can hurt. One way to counter that hurt may be with a big flashy ring. She may not have enough self confidence or self esteem to stand up to her friends and say with total conviction "He's a grad student and we are playing it smart right now so a smaller ring is what we want - the larger diamonds will come later" and not feel hurt if someone makes a sarcastic remark about the size of the ring. Tell her how this makes YOU feel (women love to hear about how their men feel about things because we relate more to feelings!) and tell her that you are hurt and that you are now wondering why she wants to marry you - is it true love or is it 'keeping up' with her friends? Ask her to think about it for a while and get back to you - not to answer you right away. She may not know herself and will need some time to think about it herself. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted August 15, 2006 Share Posted August 15, 2006 Hey Guys, So, here is the update... I had a talk with her yesterday and told her that her words hurt me, and that i was confused and a little mad. She became a little defensive, and then told me that she misunderstood what I was saying, and that at the end of the day the size is not important to her... I personally think she is just saying this to avoid the bigger problem, which is why she feels the need to compete with her friends and have such a large ring. With respect to some of the questions you have all asked: She comes from a modest upbringing. Her father is a teacher, and her mother works part-time as an assistant to a lawyer. They don't come from money. She is usually very confident. She is a beautiful woman, and very loving and caring. She has self esteme. Since movinng to NYC, she has been caught up in fashion and trends... She is always looking for Louis Vuitton and Marc Jacobs handbags on ebay, as she cant afford the real things. She buys $300 eyeglasses etc etc. When asked why she needs such an expensive handbag (1K+), she says "because everyone has one..." I know if she was not living in New York City (where we do not plan on staying.. I'm just here for Grad School) whe would not be this caught up in this crap. I agree about the fairy-tale wedding and her expectations. I've often mentioned to her in the past that if she wants such a big ring, that she could "chip-in" and help with the cost. She wants nothing to do with that, saying "This is something that you should want to do..." At the end of the day I would LOVE to do it, but unfortunately I can not financially. I honestly think she genuinely loves me, and wants to spend her life with me, and start a family with me... I also think she is a little immature (just turning 27 this week), and I think she is too caught up in vanity and bling! At the end of the day I think things will be fine. She has a little growing up to do, and I need to be more clear about life expectations with her... I am currently a Grad student, finishing my PhD and hope to enter into In Vitro Fertilization in the near future. I will be able to buy her big stones (though I would rather put money into a house) in the future. Until that future is here, we are broke, and should not try to live beyond our means. I am only trying to be practical and responsible here.... Time will tell, but I think with some good old-fashioned commmunication and discussion about practicality and goals and kour future TOGETHER, she will see the light and we will be fine..... Link to post Share on other sites
penkitten Posted August 21, 2006 Share Posted August 21, 2006 shes gonna make you keep up with the jones' forever. and just for the record, i would have married my husband if all he gave me was a cracker jack box ring Link to post Share on other sites
MrsHellFire Posted August 21, 2006 Share Posted August 21, 2006 Damn! I am really hurt here. It seems to me that this is not about spending our lives together, about the promise to be there for eachother, but more a matter of showing off to her friends (none of which have a ring that big!!!). So, now I am very depressed, and feeling very hurt. DO NOT CAVE IN, unless this is the type of life you want forever: living up to everyone else's standards just to show off. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted August 21, 2006 Share Posted August 21, 2006 At the end of the day I think things will be fine. She has a little growing up to do, and I need to be more clear about life expectations with her... I am currently a Grad student, finishing my PhD and hope to enter into In Vitro Fertilization in the near future. I will be able to buy her big stones (though I would rather put money into a house) in the future. Until that future is here, we are broke, and should not try to live beyond our means. I am only trying to be practical and responsible here.... Time will tell, but I think with some good old-fashioned commmunication and discussion about practicality and goals and kour future TOGETHER, she will see the light and we will be fine..... I suggest you have these financial discussions and goals discussions NOW and make sure she's totally on board before you marry her. No matter where you move, there are always others who are better off than you will be and if she's so easily caught up in this now, she's not likely to change later. Materialistic women stay that way...the materials just keep getting more and more expensive - cars, houses, vacations, kids' clothes, schools, etc. Be very specific in your discussions. "For the next 5 years, I expect, if both of us are working, that we will be able to afford $xyz house and vacations will be limited to Lake Wobegon. If you want big stones, we can't afford to buy a house and will have to rent for the next 5 years. In about 10 years, if we're both working, it's likely we'll be able to afford $xyz, but not if we have kids..." You have to make sure she understands how you view money and what's important. Don't assume she'll 'be fine' at the end of the day. Financial disagreements cause Many, Many divorces. Link to post Share on other sites
MrsHellFire Posted August 21, 2006 Share Posted August 21, 2006 She sounds way too immature for a 27 year old. I guess people stay children longer these days. If image and facade is more important to her than reality, then imagine how messed up your marriage will be in 10 years time! Not good. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted August 21, 2006 Share Posted August 21, 2006 Wow, your post smacked of denial. I'm pulling for you BUT you need to really talk before you set a wedding date. "Ihad a talk with her yesterday and told her that her words hurt me, and that i was confused and a little mad. She became a little defensive, and then told me that she misunderstood what I was saying, and that at the end of the day the size is not important to her... I personally think she is just saying this to avoid the bigger problem, which is why she feels the need to compete with her friends and have such a large ring." So you don't believe what she told you? You think she loves you but you don't believe that she's being honest in her statement here. Watch it. A good marriage and a true love don't start out like this. Wake up! Date her but you don't have to marry her. Link to post Share on other sites
britchick Posted August 23, 2006 Share Posted August 23, 2006 I have to agree with everyone else here. If she wants a ring like this she should help pay for it. I can't imagine postponing a wedding to someone I love in order to get a bigger engagement ring. My engagement ring is fake and cost about £25, it was receiving it that was so wonderful, not the ring. BTW we're still not married after 10 years because anytime we save up any money we decide to go on holiday instead! Link to post Share on other sites
BentSpine Posted August 23, 2006 Share Posted August 23, 2006 and just for the record, i would have married my husband if all he gave me was a cracker jack box ring That was the most romantic thing I have heard in a looong time. Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted August 23, 2006 Share Posted August 23, 2006 I've often mentioned to her in the past that if she wants such a big ring, that she could "chip-in" and help with the cost. She wants nothing to do with that, saying "This is something that you should want to do..." She sure has that manipulation routine going there! This is how it is going to be with her. You need to realise that. If you can live with that then good luck to the both of you. Link to post Share on other sites
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