Cousin living my childhood dream & me getting misunderstood

[lostgirl123]

If you read my diaries back when I was about 11 up till I was 18, most entries were about how I hope and wish that one day I can be famous, then everyone would start to pay attention to me. I told this to my parents a few times when I was 11, only to be laughed in the face and tell me to stop dreaming. I never told anyone again until a couple of years ago, I told my parents again only once again to be laughed in the face and tell me it's not ever going to come true for me. I tried to achieve them anyways, but failed.

 

My cousin is currently the famous one, and all the attention is focused on her. After so many years of living un-famously, I've gotten used to not getting the attention I've longed all my life. But now that my cousin is living my childhood dream, not only is the attention focused on her, but I'm also getting misunderstood as wanting to get close to her so I can get benefits off her fame.

 

My cousin and I have been close our entire lives...yes, we grew apart as we got older, but we're still friends. I have relatives now who point at me and say that I didn't show up at this one event (I had an exam the next day so I couldn't make it to the event) to show my support for my cousin, and now that she's famous I'm trying to show up to events now. These relatives are literally preventing me from showing up at these events (post cousin's fame).

 

Yes, my cousin is living my childhood dream. Yes, I envy her. But yes, I'm also very happy for her and proud of her as well. And no, I don't want to get benefits off her fame. I've somewhat surrendered my childhood dream to my mundane life. I've already given up what was the most important thing to me for more than 10 years of my life - do I have to be punished by being misunderstood too?

 

I suffered clinical depression as a result of my childhood dreams during my teenage years - it's gotten so much better ever since I decided to move out to my parents' home country and move away from my childhood country. Why do these depressing events have to follow me wherever I go? Am I destined to be living in depression, alone, and never being able to achieve my dreams for the rest of my life?